Between sand and Stars 4

It was the small hours of the night when I woke up bathed in cold sweat with a scream on my lips. My heart pounded in my chest as though I had just been chased through Beggar’s Canyon by Tuskens. For a long terrible moment the nightmare, which had me shaking, sank its claws deep into my brain refusing to let me go but the raspy tongue of a jax licking my hand brought me back into the real world. I sighed and sat up, reaching to scratch Khavi between the ears and smiled as she purred softly, rubbing her head against my hand. She always seemed to know when I was in distress and it was always she who was first at my side when I woke from a bad dream.

I got out of bed stiffly dislodging the other jaxes who had curled up around my body. I was still tired but I knew there would be no going back to sleep so I decided to go make a cup of tea instead. Khavi and Sja followed me up the stairs, their tails high, making little chirping sounds which meant they hoped to be fed.

“It’s two am.” I told them as I wandered into the kitchen, surprised to see my uncle there.

He smiled. “Jaxes know nothing of time, Lei’lei they know only love and food. You can give them a little as a treat.”

I nodded stifling another yawn and dropped a handful of food in their bowls.

“Bad dreams?” Uncle Vahlek asked as he poured me what looked like a brandy.

I nodded again as I sat at the table across from him and cupped the glass in my hands.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

With a shrug I said, “It won’t help.”

“Are they about Jyrki?”

“No. I don’t dream about him anymore, at least not that I remember.” I said. “No, now my dreams are about the Emperor and sometimes about Za’ar.”

“The Emperor?”

“I see him sometimes, but he’s not the same man, I mean he is but he’s different as well. I know it’s Palpatine the aura is unmistakable but the face and the body are younger, changed.” I sighed and downed a mouthful of the brandy.

Uncle Vahlek watched me for a moment then nodded. “Cloned?”

“Maybe, I don’t really know. It’s possible. Using the force the way he did destroyed his physical body. There were rumours that he used to change bodies, transferring his consciousness into a new cloned body but that always sounded so very far fetched to me.” I shrugged and toyed with the glass, “The dreams are fragmented and when I wake I don’t actually recall a lot of the details. I just know that he’s as powerful as ever and he keeps telling me he will find me and finish what he started.”

“I can see why that would keep you up.” He nodded.

“Why are you up? You should be resting, Zte’sa.”

“Can’t sleep.” He said, “Time in the bacta tank has messed up my internal clock and I keep thinking about Kit.”

I watched his face for a moment. It seemed to me as though he had aged and he looked every bit as tired as I felt. “I miss him too.” I said after a long moment of silence had passed. “I keep thinking about how I could have changed the outcome, about how I could have….”

He put up a hand and silenced the run of thoughts. “It wasn’t your…”

“…Fault.” I finished for him, “I know that, really I do, but I still go over and over it all in my head. Wondering if there was anything different I could have done.”

He sighed. “Lei’lei sometimes very bad things happen. It’s just the way it is. I hope that this will end the string of bad things that have happened to you. You need to let this go before you become obsessed with the past and turn into Jyrki. You cannot turn back time and no amount of ‘what ifs’ will change things.”

I scrubbed my face with my hands. I was so tired and the mention of Jyrki’s name brought a flash of anger which scared me a little. I took a deep breath to get that under control. Jyrki was dead. I had killed him but it didn’t lessen my fury at him any.

“How are you feeling?” I asked switching the subject.

“The wound has healed well enough but my body isn’t what it used to be you know. It takes longer to get back to where I was. I’m not twenty any more.”

“Are you in any pain?”

He shook his head, “Not really. I am mostly just stiff.”

I made a face. “I’m grateful for what you did but it was stupid.”

“Well, we all do stupid things.” He said with a wry smile.

“Why didn’t you wear armour?”

The question surprised him. “Armour?”

I nodded. “Navaari was wearing armour weave under his clothes. Why weren’t you?”

He frowned, “I never use armour, Lei’lei. It hampers my movement and I don’t, as a rule, need it.”

I frowned. “Well that’s a silly reason. It would have saved you the dip in the bacta tank.”

“Perhaps but I don’t wear it, I never have. Part of the Bunduki training is to not rely on such things, you should know that. The Tze’yusha’Jin do not rely on armour, they rely on craft and training . We are supposed to move like shadows and be faster than those who would do us harm.” The expression on his face told me he meant those words with a touch of irony.

“Navaari wore armour weave and he’s part of your brotherhood.” I said crossly.

“Yes, he is.” My uncle agreed, “But he came to Nar Shadda looking and prepared for a fight. I did not. I came to Nar Shadda to eliminate Jyrki Andando by means of stealth. I had hoped to get to him before you arrived.”

I gave him a look which said I don’t believe you.

He sighed. “The truth of the matter is I have never needed body armour, I have never used it and to be perfectly honest it didn’t occur to me to do so.”

“So pride almost got you killed?” I grumbled.

“If that’s how you wish to see it, I suppose so but I don’t see you wearing any either.”

“Well, do me a favour next time wear armour. I almost lost you and I don’t want to go through that again.”

My uncle laughed. “I hope to hell there will never be a next time for something like this. And if there is I am certain your Ta’kasta’cariad will throttle you long before I have anything to do with it.”

I let out a noisy sigh. “I’m sure he would and if he didn’t Navaari would.”

“Yes, Kirja’navaar’inkjerii did mention something about keeping you safe on Hjal.” There was a catch in his voice when he spoke Navaari’s name.

There was a long pause and then I asked, “How do you know him? From before I mean, because you do know Navaari from before, right?”

“It’s a long story, Lei’lei.” He said quietly as if that would end the conversation right then and there.

I drew a deep breath and let it out slowly as if that would ease the frustration I felt. “You know what I have learned Zte’sa? Saying an explanation is a long story is another way of avoiding having to explain it. You understand Cheunh, you know of the Dantassi and their ways and you know Navaari from before. Thrawn greeted you like a member of the clan, something he has never done before, he said things had changed but he also said it was your story to tell. I never actually told you about Navaari, only mentioned his name once or twice and I haven’t said that much about my time with the Dantassi yet you know things about them no one else outside their kind does including some of the more obscure bonding rituals. Stop keeping secrets from me, especially about my friends and family, it’s what got us all into this mess in the first place.” This wasn’t exactly true but close enough that he winced when the words tumbled out of my mouth.

“We keep these secrets to protect you.”

“And a fine job it’s been doing at that.” I snapped. I was tired. “Did you know Thrawn from before as well?”

He shook his head. “No.

“So tell me how you met Navaari.” I pressed.

I didn’t think that he would answer me because he was silent for a very long time. “It was a very long time ago.” He said quietly.

“Why did you never tell me you two knew each other?”

He sat back against the chair and drew a deep breath. “Because I swore never to reveal to anyone what I knew about the Bone Traders and up until I actually laid eyes on the man I was not sure your Navaari and the man I knew were one in the same.”

“Sworn to secrecy? How come?”

“Because it would have endangered Kirja’navaar’inkjerii’s life if any one ever found out what he had done.”

I frowned. “What do you mean by that?”

Uncle Vahlek’s stare bored into me and when I didn’t budge or look away he sighed. “If we are going to speak of this then let’s move to the living room where it is a tad more comfortable.” He said with a frown. He poured brandy into both glasses and with a move that dislodged Maddy from his lap he got up and headed for the comfort of the next room.

I settled on my favourite chair and before I had finished dragging the spare blanket over my lap Khavi had made herself quite comfortable as if she too wanted to hear the story my uncle was about to tell. Uncle Vahlek sat adjacent to me and propped his legs on the table in front of the couch. He sat still for a long time, contemplating his drink. I had learned enough to know it was best not to say anything while he gathered his thoughts.

“By telling you this story I am breaking a promise to Navaari, you understand this yes?”

I nodded, meeting his pale green eyes with mine. “I need to know, he’s family for me and I don’t think he’ll mind.”

For a very long moment my uncle held my gaze and then he nodded. “I know.” He said. “He dotes upon you as though you were his own. You are as precious to him as you are to me but I don’t think you understand that do you.”

“I have some idea.” I replied a little crossly. “But he is important to me too, as are you. Now you are all connected and I need to know how, I need to try and understand it because it is just too weird of a coincidence.”

“The Dantassi say nothing ever happens by chance.”

“I know, but still… it’s a huge galaxy and still some how, in spite of the odds, you know Navaari.”

“Well, it seems to me that your life is full of such strange coincidences.” He replied with a shrug, “The galaxy works in odd ways, I stopped questioning it a very long time ago. Now do you want to hear this story or not?”

“I want to hear it.”

He smiled and then began, “When I met the man you know as Navaari we were very young, in our teens, and what happened, what took place did so long before I met your father, long before I met the woman who would give birth to Jyrki Andando and long before Darth Vader became the second most feared man in the galaxy.” He said. “I was in training, on my way to becoming an apprentice to the Brotherhood of the Tze’yusha’Jin and part of their initiation rites was survival training. Initiates in the brotherhood were taken individually to a planet that was harsh and unforgiving, essentially dumped on the surface with nothing and told to survive for a given time period and if they accomplish this then they will be picked up at the end of the trial. There are no rules just a lot of frustration. So, there I was, alone on a planet whose name I didn’t know with nothing except the clothes on my back and the knowledge in my head.”

“That sounds a bit….cruel.” I told him, frowning.

He shrugged nonchalantly. “Perhaps but this fraternity is selective and exclusive. Only the very best are ever accepted into its fold. I wanted to be the best of the best. After what my father had done, how he had treated me I desired to become the one thing I knew would hurt him, which was an assassin for the most secretive organization in the galaxy.” He paused for a moment, considering his words with great care. “I had witnessed the death of the man I had loved as a child, the man who had taught me the foundation of the Bunduki arts and had become in many ways a father figure for me where my own father remained a stranger.” He shrugged ever so slightly, “I came from a wealthy family and as the eldest legitimate son I was expected to follow in my father’s footsteps and learn the family trade, to become like him. So you can imagine the outcry when I walked away from it all.” He smiled slightly at the memory, “I don’t tell you this to gain sympathy. Everyone has hardships in their lives Lei’lei and their childhoods mark them, scar them forever. In my case mine made me hard, made me learn to hate everyone and everything for a very long time and it was because of that desire that I wished to join the brotherhood. What better way to get back at the galaxy than to sign on with the most notorious killers around?”

I had a hard time seeing the man I adored so much in the role of a cold hearted killer and I began to understand a little better why he had never wanted to speak to me of his past, of his profession. I nodded to let him know I had gotten the point.

“The Tze’yusha’Jin tend to find those who truly wish to become one of their kind. Word of mouth, the right questions asked in the right places eventually reach the right ears. One day they found me in a tavern on Malastare betting on pod racing. I never saw them coming and no one noticed when they removed me from the tavern right in the middle of a crowd. They were and are that good. I found myself in an interrogation room, where I sat for what felt like days. I saw no other person, was given no food and no instructions. I understood that I was being watched and it became a battle of wills. Eventually I suppose I passed this test, though by the time I was released I would have welcomed death. This was the beginning of what would turn out to be the hardest training I had ever done in my life. I loved every moment of it because through the pain and the punishment I understood I was becoming the very thing my father hated.”

“Why did you hate him so much?” I asked unable to stop from interrupting.

Uncle Vahlek sighed. “That is also along story, Lei’lei and one I don’t much wish to talk about. Will it suffice to say that he was a cruel man and that what he did in the name of power and profit disgusted me to the core? What he did to his family was inexcusable and when my mother killed herself to get away from him because he had sworn he would never let her go I understood that even though this man had fathered me, I wanted nothing to do with him. I left home and I never looked back.” He stopped to glance at my face for a moment and when I didn’t say anything he continued. “I drifted around for a while, got into some things better left unsaid and eventually was found by the brotherhood. The training I had undergone as a boy served me in good stead, word got around I suppose and before I understood what had happened I found myself marooned on a planet with just the clothes on my back.”

“And that’s where you met Navaari?” I pressed.

“Yes.”

“So what, he saved your life?” I asked.

He chuckled, “No, quite the contrary, Lei’lei. I saved his when I was supposed to kill him.”

“What?” I could not keep the shock out of my voice and my exclamation made Khavi jump and dig her claws into my thighs. I hissed in pain and gritted my teeth until she settled back down, glaring at me in the process.

He smiled. “We were supposed to survive when I found Navaari he was wounded. I should have just killed him but instead I saved his life.”

“That doesn’t sound like a cold hearted killer to me.”

He laughed, “No not really but partially it was a reaction against my own father’s xenophobia which was rampant and destructive. I knew it would have annoyed him greatly if I, his son, saved the life of an alien rather than took it simply because he was at a disadvantage.” He made a face, “I know how silly this sounds and believe me, looking back it feels just as ridiculous but then I was passionate, stupid and determined to be as different from my father as I possibly could.”

“And becoming an assassin was different how?”

“Ah, well my father hired members of the brotherhood on occasion to eliminate some of his competition. I remember one time after a meeting with one of these men how he had scorned them, ridiculed them even saying they were scum and worse than bounty hunters. Paid thugs with no brains were his exact words. It was something I did not understand. He hated them but he hired them to do the work he would not touch. When I asked him about this he told me never let your own hands get dirty, boy, if you don’t need to. I was puzzled by this so the next time he hired one of these men I made it my goal to speak with the man and find out if they really were as my father had said. The man, a Zabrak named Sohli seemed amused at my clumsy attempt to follow him and had granted me an audience. After answering my questions honestly and intelligently I had come to the conclusion that my father was very wrong and that the reason he had scorned members of this assassin’s guild was that in fact he was scared to death of men like them. The conversation I had with Sohli lasted no more than five minutes, ten at the most but it was enough. He saw in me potential and I understood that my father, as ruthless and as brutal as he was, was also a coward completely without any honour. He hired these men to eliminate his competition because he feared losing to them. He brutalised my mother to terrorize her into staying at his side, she was the daughter of a wealthy shipping magnate and she brought status to my father who was common born. When it was discovered that she would be unable to bear him any more children after me he was unspeakably cruel to her, all the while having affair after affair with various influential women who bore him children willingly. I was his legitimate son and heir but I wasn’t the only child to carry his bloodline. When I ran off he had me disowned me and I was happy for it.”

“No offence, Zte’sa but this sounds like a really bad Holloway story.”

To my surprise, he laughed, “Yes I suppose it does at that. I am so grateful you never knew a home that was like mine which was part of the reason when we found you I wanted to take on the role as guardian.” He sighed. “My father, he was a bad man in every sense of the word, it happens sometimes. I don’t get too broken up about it but it is what it is. I did not want t0 be like him so I decided to become like that which he hated and feared. When I asked Sohli about the brotherhood all he said was they watched out for potential candidates and I would know if I was worthy.”

“So they watched you?”

He nodded, “It would appear so.”

“And you saved Navaari’s life?”

“Yes.” He said. “Although we didn’t know it at the time, he and I were tracking the same animal and unluckily for him he missed his first shot at it. The beast came after him and was in the process of mauling him. He would have died had I not killed it first. Seems somewhat anticlimactic to speak of it in this way but trust me at the age of seventeen it was a big deal.”

“You were only seventeen?”

He nodded. “As I told you, I was young and stupid.”

“And Navaari?”

“Not much older I don’t think but he never told me his exact age and it’s hard to tell with his kind, they age differently from humans but he, too, was quite young.” He sighed and sipped his brandy thoughtfully. “The beast we had been hunting had raked him pretty good and he lost a lot of blood. I should have killed him right then and there, eliminating the competition, making it easier to survive but I didn’t.”

“Why not?”

He drew a deep breath. “Because when I looked into his eyes I saw myself in more ways than I could count. I swore I would not kill just to get ahead, that was what my father had done and I had sworn I would not be like him, so instead of taking Navaari’s life I dragged him to my camp, treated his wounds and took care of him. And,” He added, “I wanted someone to talk to.”

“I find it hard to picture Navaari getting mauled by any creature.” I said quietly.

That made my uncle smile. “You’ve seen him undressed, yes?”

I nodded.

“Have you ever asked him about the scars on his chest?” He dragged his fingers in a claw like fashion across his chest above his heart.

“I never asked but I always wondered.” I murmured. The first time Navaari had stripped off his clothes in front of me I had stared in shock at the vivid scars which were almost white across his pale blue skin. The look on his face had told me not to ask so I hadn’t, I assumed an animal of some sort had done it but the story remained a mystery. He wasn’t the only one with scars on his body he didn’t want to talk about so I had let the matter lie.

“He was lucky his heart wasn’t torn out.” My uncle said.

I sat back in the couch and stroked Khavi absently. “So you saved his life, why all the secrecy?”

“He is Dantassi and is supposed to be masked to strangers. I saw his face. He thought he was alone on the planet so he stopped wearing his mask. By being seen he risked being shunned by his tribe or worse being put to death should it ever be known that he had not only shown his face but had shared his clan's knowledge.” He said, not telling me the entire truth. There was something more behind this but I didn’t press because I suspected it had more to do with the Tze’yusha’Jin’s rules than Dantassi law.

“Navaari likes to bend the rules when he can.” I said. “You saved his life, which meant he would have felt you were now responsible for him in some way.”

“Yes but I waved that right.” He said, “I didn’t want that responsibility or what it meant. So he taught me his language and some of his people’s customs in return for my silence. That was our deal. He teach me as much about his kind as he could and I kept it a secret. I had always known about the Bone Traders, who does not know of their kind, and had always been fascinated by them so to learn from one meant a great deal to me.”

“How is it that he was even in this brotherhood trial thingy anyway? I thought he was in training from an early age to be Jhal’kai.”

“That is his story to tell you, Lei’lei but as you pointed out; he does not always obey the rules.”

“So this all happened before Thrawn ever went to Hjal?”

“Yes, the invasion of his home world was some years later and we had mostly forgotten about one another. It was only when I saw your mask did I think of him but even then I didn’t know it was the same man, I wasn’t sure of that until I met him in person on board the Judicator.”

“How did you recognize him? I mean it’s been years right?”

He chuckled, “Yes it has indeed been many, many years still one does not forget. We spent almost seven months on that damned planet together and an awful lot of things happened to us. There are some things about a person you never forget, no matter how much time has passed.”

“So how is it that Za’ar can greet you as one of the clan warriors now, he never did that before?”

“You.” My uncle said warmly, “Apparently you bind everyone together.”

“Huh?” I said making a face. “How do you figure that?”

“I don’t know Lei’lei but somehow you manage to bring people together. If I understood it correctly this is because you and your Ta’kasta’cariad are bound and Navaari is part of that because he fostered Thrawn and then you. I believe some of the rules are relaxed because Thrawn is actually tied to a different clan, one on Csilla if I am not mistaken. I, by virtue of being your guardian and having saved your life, am now included in that circle as well because I am responsible for you, peripherally at least. Dantassi rules are complicated as is their clan structure. I always wanted to be a part of it and now, to some extent I am. I owe that to you.”

“Now this really does sound like a bad Holloway novel.” I grumbled.

“Perhaps it does at that.” He nodded with a smile, “But it isn’t as if your life, till now, has been dull and quiet either.”

I only shrugged in response, “So do you get to wear a mask?”

“That has not been discussed as of yet but it does allow Navaari to bear his face in front of me and for me, should I ever go to Hjal to be allowed to see as well as be seen within the confines of the enclave once it has been approved by an elder. As I said, Dantassi laws are complex but between you and that Admiral of yours you have managed to bend them in some interesting ways.”

“Yeah, I get told that frequently.” I said with a sigh. “Do you think Navaari told Za’ar this story?”

My uncle shook his head. “No, I know he has not nor would your mate ask, unlike you, he understands that some things must be kept hidden. I have a place in your tribe, in your other world because of what happened very recently not because of what I did all those years ago and should that particular tale ever make it to the wrong ears then the fallout for Navaari would be messy.”

I nodded. “Then your secret will stay safe with me.”

“I appreciate that.”

“So how did you learn Cheunh because the Dantassi version of that language is different yet you understood Thrawn and me when we spoke with each other when you brought him the Mandalorian Armour?”

My uncle gave me a slow smile. “You think you are the only one who has ways of getting such information?” he asked. “Part of my later training was to infiltrate the Unknown Regions and spend time learning the ways and customs of the peoples who lived out in that area of space. I knew enough Dantassi to understand the Chiss, as you well know the two languages are very similar, so learning Cheunh was not that hard.”

“Can you speak it?”

“Not as well as you but I would get by.”

I sighed. “That’s a hell of a story, Zte’sa.”

He gave a short laugh. “I am quite certain when your children ask about your life and you tell them all that has happened to you they will reply in much the same way.”

“Maybe, though right now it doesn’t seem as fantastic as it does insane.” I nodded thoughtfully. “So what will you do now? I mean now that the hunt for Jyrki is over? Did you ever find out if he was your son or not?”

Uncle Vahlek looked at me for a moment. “Even if he was born of my seed he was never my son and no I don’t know but I also no longer wish to either.” He sipped at his drink, “As for what I will do next, well I have work. In fact work that will take me away fairly soon so if you plan on staying here until that art auction Bedi was mentioning, I’d be happy if you’d look after the kids for me.”

“What sort of a job?” I asked.

“The sort of job I do not discuss with nosey young women no matter how much I may love them.”

“Are you working for Thrawn?” I pressed.

He sighed. “I will say no but you will know I am lying so you have your answer.”

I stared at him for a second while pieces of a puzzle suddenly clicked into place. “He’s asked you to go to Wayland for him hasn’t he?”

There was a very long moment of silence and then my uncle downed the last of his brandy. “It’s late, I’m tired and I am not discussing this with you.”

“Wayland is dangerous.”

This statement earned me a hard stare. “You never answered my question about looking after the jaxes.”

I heaved a very large sigh and gritted my teeth then nodded. “Yes, I will take care of them.”

“Thank you.”

“We’re not going to talk about this at all?”

He got up and cupped my face with his hand. “No.” He said as he kissed the top of my head. “I have divulged enough secrets for one night. Go to bed and get some sleep, child.”

I watched as he left the living room but I stayed where I was. My head was buzzing with everything he had told me and this last little piece of information was like a knife dragged through my chest. Wayland was a bad place, it had been cropping up in my dreams and I didn’t want my uncle going there. I didn’t want anyone I loved going there but I didn’t think that what I wanted played any part in what was going to happen and I didn't know what to do about it.

Between sand and Stars 3

For three days I had both the house and Thrawn to myself. I cherished every moment of it knowing that soon enough I would see very little of him and there would be a chance maybe I would lose him to the campaign he was planning. It was bittersweet. We spent as many hours talking about what was to come and how to deal with the possibilities as we did in the bedroom working on our tactile conversational skills. His plans were extensive and the tasks he had set for himself and his people were daunting.

In the moments were he wanted to be alone and had sequestered himself in my uncle’s small, private work room I had strayed outside and let the quiet of the desert sweep over me, as though the winds which shifted the grains of sand across the dunes could somehow scour the pain and the hurt from my own skin. Over the course of the three blissful days we had together I healed. I was more than sad when they had come to an end, marked by the arrival of an unmarked shuttle returning my uncle home early on the morning of the fourth day.

He looked better than when I had seen him at the funeral, less drawn, less pain ridden. He had not said a word as he had wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a slow, solid embrace which stole my breath and made me remember what it had felt like to be a child in his arms. His sorrow was plain to see, the loss of my father had hit him hard. They had been close friends for a very long time. I suspected that Uncle Vahlek had always believed of the two of them, he would be the first to die and not the other way around.

Thrawn had greeted my uncle solemnly in the manner of a Dantassi warrior which had surprised me but neither man had offered any explanation. Instead there had been some sort of silent understanding which had passed between them, shutting me out. I recognised this sensation from my time on Hjal, where the males, especially the warriors and hunters had their own language and codes. There were just things in the galaxy of men that no matter what, women were excluded from.

There had been banter over a late breakfast and then my uncle had passed on to Thrawn the dispatches he had carried with him for the Admiral to deal with before the shuttle returned shortly after sundown to take Thrawn back to the Judicator, from there he would return to the Chimaera. I did not want him to leave but kept silent about my feelings. I was quite certain he knew and even understood what was going through my mind but how I felt was irrelevant in this matter. He was the leader of the Imperial navy and he had work to do. I might have been bound to him by word and mark but in the end it would always be his work, his mistress who held his sway. My uncle who had sensed that restless unease which comes with a parting between lovers, retired to his bedroom to “take a nap” so that Thrawn and I might spend the last hours of our time together alone.

In the quiet of my bedroom we had shut the rest of the galaxy out and loved as though the end of everything we knew was about to crash down upon us like a terrible storm. Only after the frantic passion of coupling passed and I lay, quiet and melancholy in his arms did we talk in hushed tones about the what ifs to come. I was scared and I didn’t bother to hide it. I had lost too much too soon and the prospect of losing him as well frightened me to death. I was grateful that he did not try to coddle me with lies by telling me, as he stroked my hair, the skin of my back and the curve of my waist, that everything would be alright and that this story would have a happy ending. He was preparing for war and death was always his ghostly dance partner waiting in the wings for her turn on the floor. He knew it and I knew it but we didn’t speak of it. Instead we spoke of inconsequential things, small talk to fill the enormous gulf which was widening by the minute as he pulled away to concentrate on the tasks at hand.

“You greeted my uncle like a Dantassi warrior but he’s not part of the clan.” I said, breaking the heavy quiet which had blanketed us.

“Yes, I did.” He said with a slight smile.

“You’ve never done that before, did something change?” I asked.

Thrawn’s expression was warm. “That is something you will have to ask the Tze’yusha’Jin. It is not my story to tell.” He said.

I nodded. Men and their secrets, I thought, there was no end to them. I sighed and twisted about so I lay on my stomach to look at him, my chin resting on crossed arms.

“I will return for the art auction.” He said after a while, as if that made his up coming departure easier to swallow. “Especially if the painting listed is genuine.”

“And I will get to see you then, yes?” I asked.

“If time allows for it.” He shrugged casually, teasing.

I glared at him. “You will make time.” I said.

He just smiled without dignifying my words with an answer and instead asked, “So you’ve decided to remain here for the next two months then?”

“Yes. I need to be with my family.” I nodded.

“And they need to be with you, my dear.” He finished for me, “I would feel better knowing you had spent time with them instead of heading straight back to Nirauan. There’s nothing on the base that requires your urgent attention.”

“There is a lot of paperwork to sort out here, with the docking bay and stuff plus I need to help Bedi go through papa’s things.” I explained.

He nodded. “I am quite certain she will be glad of your company while going through what must be a painful experience. I am relieved to know that you won’t be alone either.”

“Well...that and Uncle Vahlek will need someone to baby him even though he won’t admit it.”

Thrawn smiled. “Your uncle is a strong man but I am quite sure he will appreciate your company, just don’t cook for him.”

“Ha very ha!” I said, pinching him. There was another moment of quiet then I changed the subject away from my cooking, “Uncle Vahl brought you good news today didn’t he?” I asked.

Thrawn nodded. “The warlord Zsinj has been defeated by the New Republic which means one less predator in the pool to deal with. The dispatches he brought carried that information.”

I frowned and picked fluff from the blanket I was lying on, “I thought that he was an Imperial Admiral.”

“He was until after Endor, then he decided his chances were greater if he struck out on his own. He gathered his fleet and took on the galaxy, he did very well.”

“That doesn’t surprise me, he is a clever man.”

“Was. He’s dead now.”

“Oh?”

“Mm.” Thrawn nodded, “Seems tangling with the New Republic did not agree with him.”

“How did he die?”

“If the information I received was correct his ship the Iron Fist was obliterated by concussion missiles.”

I rolled back over onto my back with a sigh. “Did you know he spoke over sixty different languages?”

“No, that I did not know.”

“He told me once at one of the palace parties. We had a very long conversation about the nuances of linguistics. He was very clever.” I said smiling as Thrawn reached to run his fingers through my hair and then wincing as he caught a knot. “So now that he’s dead…does that mean it’s your turn to step up and scare the rebels into submission so we can get back to some semblance of order?”

“I would not call what I am doing scaring so much as worrying. They don’t know who I am, they don’t know who it is that is causing the problems they think they do but really they do not. They are aware that someone is stirring up things in the Outer Rim, and the Unknown Regions and they have heard rumours of a few battles that have been quite decisively won. They are concerned, they are worried but they are not scared, not yet.”

Zsinj had kept the New Republic hopping for at least the last four years. He had taken his fleet and waged a private war on them, declaring himself a warlord and forsaking the Empire, or what was left of it. I had heard bits and pieces about his escapades but had not paid much attention. I had had other things to worry about and for the most part I didn’t really care. He had been just another greedy megalomaniac trying to get his piece of the galactic pie and he had been fairly successful as well, by all accounts.

At one time he had been a so-so graduate of the Imperial Academy and, as he had told me himself, had been told that he should go into support where his tactical genius could be of use because he would never have what it took to be a real leader in the Navy. He showed them all how wrong they were in thinking this way and when he managed to effectively deal with a Nightsister threat for Palpatine the Emperor had taken notice and promoted Zsinj to Admiral, giving him his own ISD to command in the process. After the fall of the emperor, Zsinj had stayed quiet and out of the spotlight, not wishing to cross Isard. I don’t think he feared her so much as he was biding his time and when that time came he jumped at the chance to take over as leader of the galaxy. From the accounts I had read at the time, Zsinj’s attacks were quite clever and well thought out and he harassed the New Republic for several years. I was a little sad to hear of his demise but not all that surprised.

“So what happened to his fleet? To his men?” I asked.

“They scattered and joined up with various smaller warlords.” He answered thoughtfully. “And continue to pick at the New Republic’s fleets.”

“Why don’t they join with you?”

“They do not know I exist.” He said matter of factly.

“So now the stage wide open for you.”

He smiled. “Yes, in a manner of speaking.”

“So you could recruit Zsinj’s left overs?”

He laughed and shook his head. “It doesn’t work that way.”

“So what is your way?” I asked.

“You know more about that than you should.”

I frowned, “Well it’s not enough.”

His expression changed. “Don’t.” He warned.

“Was this part of your plan?” I insisted.“Waiting for him to be eliminated?”

“Not at all, I simply have my own agenda,” His lips tightened. “Why are you pressing me about this?”

“So will you go to Wayland now?” I didn’t answer him instead I got straight to the point.

Thrawn’s sigh told me he was tired of this question from me. “I have told you before, I will go to Wayland when the time is right and not before. One does not simply drop into the Emperor’s top secret storage facility to scavenge through the bones left behind without planning first.” He chided, “And first I have to find the exact location, your instructions on how to get there were a little vague.”

It was my turn to sigh. “I want to go with you when you do head out there.”

“No.” Thrawn said coldly, “I have said this before and I shall say it again. I do not want you anywhere near that place. I have my reasons so do not push the matter or you will not like the consequences. It is dangerous and there are a myriad of precautions that must be taken before even I step foot on that world.”

I glanced at him sharply. “What do you know about it that I don’t?”

His red eyes fixed on me with a hard, almost unforgiving stare. “Plenty.” He said sharply letting me know that any further discussion on this subject would be met with much resistance.

“Fine!” I snapped back.

He sighed and continued to stroke my hair, “Listen to me, tekari, do you think I say these things simply to order you around? Have you not realised by now that when I ask you to stay away from something it is because I wish to protect you from harm? Wayland is a place that is dangerous. When you were there you were under the protection of both Vader and the Emperor, if you were to show up at the facility tomorrow that would not be the case and if I recall correctly being there scared the hell out of you. Do you think that Palpatine would not have defences in place to protect this fortress of his, especially one full of his secrets? Do you think you are a skilled enough warrior or force user to go up against what ever he left in place to protect these secrets?”

I blew at the lock of hair covering my eyes noisily. “No, probably not.”

He nodded. “There are forces at work you know nothing about.”

I glanced at him. “Then explain it to me.”

“No.” He said, then relented speaking more gently, “Your curiosity will be the death of you. So I am asking you, as your mate, as the person who shares your bed with you, to please, please leave this alone.”

I sighed, “Okay.” I finally said after a very lengthy silence.

“I have your word you will not go there at all, ever.” He pressed.

I made a face and hesitated but the look in his eyes and the expression on his face told me there was only right way to answer this request. “Okay, damn it, Yes, you have my word.” I mumbled but I wasn’t sure I was telling the truth.

He nodded, however there was a wariness in his eyes I rarely saw. He didn’t believe me. “I mean it Merlyn, leave Wayland be. It is not for you.”

A moment wavered between us then, something angry and stubborn. I didn’t like being told what to do and I didn’t like the fact that he was keeping secrets from me even though I knew he kept many things from me and it had never bothered me before. This time it did, but I wasn’t sure why. There was something beneath his words which scared me as though the spectre of the Emperor had suddenly reappeared.

“What about Myrkr?” I asked as though that topic would be any different.

He sighed. “What about it?”

“We went there for a reason.”

“Yes, we did.”

“I heard you were keeping a close eye on all activity on that world.”

A frown crossed his face and for a moment I thought he would not answer me. “It is a place of interest, as you well know, and it is also a place which is a haven for a variety of smugglers as well a people who deal in information. I am keeping an eye on things there.”

“Since when have you ever needed to go to the underworld for information?” I asked.

He frowned at me. “There is a lot about my work you do not need to concern yourself with and, as it does not involve you, I do not feel the need to share every detail with you.”

“I don’t ask you to either but I am tired of not knowing...!” I was starting to get cross although I wasn’t sure why.

His jaw clenched. “Listen to me carefully A’myshk’a, I am a high ranking official in the Imperial navy and you, my dear, are not a part of that. I will not divulge sensitive information to you simply because we share a bond and a bed. Why are you suddenly pushing so hard on this? You know better, you’ve never done this before so why now?”

I swallowed. “I don’t know.” I said half believing it to be true.

“Do not lie to me.”

I gave him a filthy look and said nothing.

“Hm.” He made a little noise and made a come here gesture and only after I was leaning against the warmth of his bare skin did he continue, “Look, I understand that you are afraid. You’ve lost a lot in a short amount of time and no matter how much you think you’re putting on a brave face the death of your father cut deeply. I know you’re scared to lose me as well but you won’t. However, making me angry by doing something stupid is not a very good way to maintain this relationship. You need to trust me; you need to let me do my job without having to worry about you as well.”

I made a face. “You’re keeping secrets from me.”

“Of course I am and for your own protection.”

“Big secrets.”

He lost his calm, “What the hell do you think would happen if for some reason it got out that the last Imperial Grand Admiral had a mate who was as headstrong as she was foolish? Do you think that the various factions all vying for a chunk of the galaxy would just smile and say how cute? No, they would come after you and all the people you love to get to me. The less you know about my business the better off you are. The better off what is left of your family are so leave my business alone.” His words were as hard as glacial ice and just as cold.

I stared back at him not budging.

He cocked his head to one side , “I have said this many times before but you don’t seem to get it. I did not plan on becoming involved with anyone in this empire. I wished only to serve my people and protect them, this was a route to get what I wanted, but instead Da’hajn had other plans and you, chaos incarnate, are a part of my life whether I want it or not. I did not need such a distraction but now that you are in my world I would not have it any other way, however, you need to put aside your own wants and your own headstrong, somewhat selfish desires to meddle in my affairs and listen to me. I have everything well in hand, all the possibilities are covered. So listen to me, while running this campaign I cannot be worrying about you, it is that simple, I have enough to think about with being concerned that my bond mate is off trying to get herself killed over phantoms and dreams.”

His last sentence caught me off guard and I looked up at him sharply.

His eyebrow arched. “Do you really think me so blind that I cannot see what is really at the heart of this?” When I didn’t answer he continued. “You have nightmares about my death. This is not a secret as you’ve told me about it at least twice now but what you don’t tell me is how often you see this same vision and quite frankly I don’t need to know that. What I do need you to know is that I can look after myself, I have been doing it for a very long time and despite your feelings to the contrary I have managed to evade death many times.”

I didn’t say anything and looked away but he wasn’t going to let this matter drop so easily. He took my chin between thumb and forefinger to lift my face up so we stared at each other squarely in the eyes.

“Merlyn there are safeguards in place already to assure my safety.” He repeated, “You cannot save me or the entire galaxy from evil and that is not your job.”

“Then what the hell is my job?”

“To stay alive.” He said gently. “And to remind me that there is more to life than simply leading an armada against the New Republic, to remind me about the possibilities of life beyond the bridge of an Imperial Star Destroyer and to remind me of what is good and sweet in this galaxy.”

“That’s a sappy reason.” I eventually conceded.

He smiled. “It’s the only reason worth mentioning, my dear.” He said, “Your work may be on Nirauan and while it is important, your place in my life is not about that work so please stop meddling.”

I lay against his warmth silent for what felt like a long time. It had not ever been my plan to fall in love and bind myself to a man such as him either. I had known from an early age what men with stars in their blood were like and had sworn up and down never to get involved with one. They were too much of a heart ache, too much of a headache. Yet, here I was cuddled in the arms of just such a man, a man who had the potential to become the most powerful person in the entire galaxy. It made me think back to a conversation my uncle and I had once had.

I twisted around to look at him. “If you win against the New Republic and succeed in re-establishing the Empire will you become emperor?”

“Would you wish to be empress and rule at my side?” he asked with a slight smile.

“No, not really.” I replied, surprised by the absolute conviction of the word, surprised to discover it was the truth.

Thrawn made a satisfied sound. “It is not my wish to rule as Emperor, it is only my wish to re-establish law and order. I am not certain that I would make a very good Emperor and you are far too wild a creature to be the consort to the ruler of a galaxy. To tie you down in such a role would be to break your spirit.” He said and before I could launch into a protest he explained, “You would feel responsible for everyone under your rule. You would wish to help each and every being and that burden alone would tear you to pieces. Palpatine made such a good leader because he did not personally care for his subjects he cared about the whole and about power. The problem was his love of power made him blind to those who wanted more for their own peoples, more freedoms and rights. Instead of giving some of these things up to placate a growing dissent he clung even more tightly to them. That is why he eventually died he lost sight of the bigger picture. I do not wish this role for you or for myself, for that matter. I am content to lead the navy; I do not need to rule the galaxy as well.”

“Do you worry about becoming like him? My Bunduki master used to tell me that to fear a thing is to become it.” I said, puzzled by his apparent hesitation in the matter of ruling the galaxy. It almost sounded as if he had someone in mind already but I didn’t ask.

His answer was sharp. “No. I do not fear that. Becoming Emperor simply is not my destiny nor was it never a job I wanted and,” he added thoughtfully, “I hope that it will be one I should not have to do. I am not Palpatine, my dear and I do not aspire to be as he was either.”

“If that were the case I would have left you long ago. As you have no desire to be as Palpatine I have no desire to bed him.” I said tartly suppressing a shudder.

Thrawn chuckled and stroked my skin with the tips of his fingers. “The truth is that I am first and foremost a strategist, a tactician. Being ruler of the Galaxy is about politics and while I enjoy the occasional foray into this world for the most part it gets tedious rather quickly. Being Emperor is all about being a master politician and that is not something I aspire to, at least not yet. I am quite certain that the right person for that job will come along.”

“You’d miss space.”

He smiled. “I would.”

I nodded and glanced at the chrono by the bed and sighed. “Speaking of space, you should get ready and your ride will be here soon unless you plan on heading back to your ship in the nude. While I don’t mind seeing you in this state I do think your men might find it uncomfortable”

“The only person who sees me completely undressed is you.” He replied airily. “And please stop making it sound as though I am leaving you forever. I’ll be returning in two months.”

“And will I get to see you naked then?”

He moved to get out of the bed, “If you behave.” There was mischief behind his words.

I lay on my stomach, watching as he wrapped a robe around his body. “Good behaviour is overrated.” I told him.

“I know, you keep telling me.” He leaned over to kiss the top of my head. “You should also consider getting dressed. Or do you wish to shower with me and save water?”

I smirked and rolled off the bed. “That’s the best thing you’ve said in the last hour.” I said and went to join him because usually our conversations in the shower were a little less tense and a whole lot more fun. When he pulled me tightly to his body under the streaming water I understood that, while he had fenced with words and been stern about his wishes, my presence would fail in his world and this was his way of saying goodbye. This passionate side of him, which only I ever saw, was his way of telling me how he felt and my body’s answer was my way of reminding him what he would miss. I loved it when we showered together and I made quite certain he would not forget what it was like to be with me for the next two months.

As he dried himself off he grinned at me. “You are a menace.” He said.

“And you would not have it any other way.” I retorted.

I didn’t say anything else and we got dressed in silence. My uncle was up and pottering about the kitchen when we appeared. He gave Thrawn a nod and me a smile. “I made some ‘caf, spiced.” He said, gesturing to the carafe on the stove.

I didn’t ask, I just poured two cups and handed one to Thrawn who was dressed from head to toe in his Dantassi gear. He took the offered cup and smiled his thanks. None of us spoke, there were no words to be said and none of us were people who needed to fill in the silences. When the shuttle arrived, we heard the engines.

“I will say my good-byes here. Do not follow me outside, tekari.” Thrawn said as he set the empty cup on the table.

I nodded.

“Tze’yusha’Jin, I thank you for your hospitality.” Thrawn turned to my uncle and bowed slightly as was Dantassi custom.

My uncle mirrored the action and the two men clasped each other by the wrists. “You are always welcome in my home Nikätza’arth’pavjäska.”

I watched the formality with feigned disinterest which made Thrawn smile. He turned to me, cupping my face with both of his hands. “Stay safe and remember what I said to you.” He said softly and kissed me tenderly. Then he placed his mask over his face, drew up the hood of his cloak and left the kitchen, moving down down the hall, through the front door and then stepped out into the desert. My uncle said nothing and we both waited, straining to hear the sounds of the shuttle,and sighed as the ship lifted off. Thrawn’s departure left behind a void.

Between sand and Stars 2

On Nirauan, although we had slept in the same bed, there had been no physical intimacy between Thrawn and me. I had been so wrapped up in my grief and guilt that I had not even wanted to be touched. After that first reunion in his private study, I had backed away from him, shunning any contact. I had felt tainted somehow, as if the residual violence of all I had done still clung to me and I was afraid I would go mad all over again. He had left me alone letting me know he was there should I need him, never pressing me to speak about what had taken place on Ando Prime even though I knew he wanted very much to learn all the details. I didn’t have the words to describe what had happened and I needed time to sort everything out. He had understood this and had given me space. I suppose he and Navaari had figured out that I wasn’t going to go off the deep end or try something insanely suicidal but I needed time to mourn without interference from another.

It was a hard thing to come to terms with, the death of my father, he had always been there for me no matter what even when I didn’t that that was the case. A presence that was as solid as he was strong and now, in what seemed like the blink of an eye he was gone and I hadn’t even been able to say good bye or tell him that I loved him as well. It had a devastating effect on my soul and I had not wanted to be near or touched by anyone, but now, after the funeral, after the final goodbye I found that I wanted only Thrawn along with all he had to offer and nothing else. It was almost as if I understood that sometimes in order to get past the bad one had to also find the good, and he was definitely good for me.

He did not fight when I grasped him by his coat and pulled him into the house, down the stairs to the bedroom that was mine. For far too long I had been surrounded by death now suddenly I needed confirmation of life. I hoped he understood this, I suspected he did. My fingers trembled as I tried to undress him as fast as I possibly could without actually tearing off his clothes. So far all I had managed was the removal of his long coat. His boots he had kicked off himself. The buttons of the shirt he wore were frustrating me, small and fiddly they fought with my trembling fingers making me swear like a true spacer and seriously consider ripping the shirt apart with my bare hands.

His bemused smile was that of someone who knew me just far too well. He took my fingers in his and stopped me. “Slow down, Sj’iu tekari, I am not going to vanish.”

I bit my bottom lip and looked up at him without moving my head. “I don’t know,” I replied, “That seems to happen to people around me.”

He sighed, caressing my face with his fingertips. “Well, I am here now and we have a moment’s grace. I do not plan on leaving you or this plane of existence for a very long time.”

“What you plan and what tends to happen is not always the same thing.” I retorted.

His eyebrow arched and then he smirked. “On that I would disagree with you, my dear. My plans are carefully laid out and it is rare for them to fail.” His finger traced from my chin, down the side of my neck across my collarbones. “You, on the other hand, never plan; you act on impulse without considering all the possible outcomes. Hence the never knowing how things will turn out.”

I took a deep breath and, slowly this time, began to unbutton the shirt he was wearing, finding it easier now that I wasn’t rushing. When the last button came free, he shrugged the worn fabric off his shoulders and tossed it on the chair near the bed. “There are some things you just can’t plan for.” I told him.

“Yes and I am looking at one of them right now.” He countered easily undoing the dress I wore, smiling appreciatively as it fluttered to the floor to pool at my feet like water. I stepped out of it pushing him a little towards the bed. He resisted and he was stronger. When I made a face he threaded his fingers through my hair, drawing my head close to his mouth, “Patience, tekari, patience.” He murmured in my ear. His breath, warm upon my skin, made me gasp with a need so sharp it was almost painful. I whimpered then, and raked my nails not so gently down his back.

“Play nice.” He said easily, catching my wrists with his hands. “Or I will make you wait even longer.” The thread of threat made me shiver, it would not be the first time he’d said or done such a thing.

I swallowed and glared at him. “I can hurt you.”

The corner of his mouth twitched, “I know and sometimes, my dear, I even find that pleasurable, but for now let me have my way, there has been enough pain for the moment.” His smile turned decidedly feral. “You may bite later, if you still feel the need.”

I stared at him for a second but backed off because he was right. His answer to my retreat was to kiss me again, lips and tongue exploring my mouth as though I were something to be savoured ever so slowly. He tasted sweet, like honey in warm sunlight. My heart skipped a beat as his fingertips continued to traverse my body. How many times had he charted out the curves of my breasts, my belly, my hips and everywhere else? I had long since lost count but every time it was as if he had found something new, something delightful and precious.

I reached up to touch his face. His skin seemed impossibly blue under the white of my own fingers. He smiled and followed the motion of my hand with his head as I stroked along his jaw to his lips. When my fingers rested there he kissed them lightly. My heart pounded against my chest, the rapid movement was visible and it felt as though it was beating loud enough for the entire galaxy to hear. His smile softened as he took note of this.

“Like an avian beating its wings against a cage.” He said as he rested his hand above my heart. He leaned forward and said, “It is good to know I can still stir you up like this.”

His eyes had gone that eerie deep glowing red I had come to associate with desire; the hint of blush which graced his cheeks and other tell tale signs let me know I wasn’t the only one being stirred. For another moment the galaxy paused, waiting to see what would happen next and then Thrawn moved his hand. My back arched involuntarily as he ever so lightly brushed my breast with his fingers. The barest of touches seemed to ignite a storm and I growled at him. I wanted more but he wasn’t giving it, at least not right this minute. His way with me was elegant and slow, showing me what his carefully thought out methods could lead to, though all it did was stir me up until I felt as though I would burst into flames from the inside out. I guessed this was also part of his plan.

“So, you were calling me unpredictable?” I asked, switching the conversation back to the earlier topic of planning for things as I undid his trousers, sliding them over his hips and buttocks with the flat of my hands so that I could feel his bare skin. I watched him step out of the crumpled fabric and nudge them aside with his foot.

“Would that be so far fetched?” He asked as he deftly removed the last of my clothes.

“Navaari would disagree with you, I think.” I said as I admired his naked body, lithe and strong, stroking that dark line of hair from his navel to his groin with my fingertip and smirking at the positive reaction my touch created.

Thrawn shrugged ever so slightly, “Kirja’navaar’inkjerii has had many long days with you on Hjal to get to know how your chaotic mind works. I, on the other hand, am still exploring all the possibilities. You are a fathomless mystery, my dear, and I would prefer to take my time unravelling all of your secrets.” There was something else beneath the sensual words and casual foreplay, something I couldn’t seem to put my finger on. I glanced up to find an answer in his face and he smiled at me, one of those rare and brilliant smiles no one else ever got to see. He continued his work of mapping out my body but he had not missed the questioning look in my eyes.

I shivered under his touch. “Why are you here, really?” I asked as he closed the gap between us, the warmth of our naked bodies rivalling the desert heat. He was intoxicating and I was now starting feel drunk with the desire I felt.

He stopped for a moment and regarded me carefully, “Because you need me to be here and because I need to know that after all that has happened you are really alright.” He answered.

The plain truth of his words took my breath away far more than even his erotic touch. I glanced away suddenly afraid, suddenly sad without actually knowing why. He drew my face upwards with the crook of his finger and when I looked up into his eyes there were tears in mine. He brushed them away with his thumbs. Time paused for just a moment as we just stared at each other and then, because it was the way of things, the moment passed giving way to the next.

When, finally, he decided he had toyed with me enough I did not protest. He lifted me onto the bed and lay over me, covering my body with his. I loved how his skin felt against mine, warm and velvety, but now I wanted more than his gentle touch. My own patience, such as it was, had long ago left me in favour of giving way to my desires and since I, as he had often enough said, was a creature of passion, I decided that there had been enough foreplay. He did not resist when I hooked one leg around his hip, pulling him to me, into me and when we joined, the way all lovers join, I let the real world and all its sorrows slide sideways with a gasp.

He moved with that sense of surety which only came when one knew the terrain one was mapping out well. His hands completed the ritual of exploration and his mouth, teased and tasted all that lay underneath him, sealing the claim as his. I did not mind the powerful sense of possessiveness that rolled off him in waves as he slowly, deliberately thrust his weight into my being; in fact I rather liked it. Belonging to him in this sense gave me a place in the galaxy I needed. I dug my nails deep into his skin; my own way of telling him that, while I might be his, this ownership thing went both ways. I knew when he hissed between clenched teeth that with the bite of pain I had made my point.

“Sheathe your talons, tekari.” He said gently, “I already wear your token. No need to make Rukh think that my being with you is dangerous.”

“You mean it isn’t?” I teased.

He smiled. “Not in a way I’d have anyone else know about.” He brushed a lock of hair from my face.

I loved how the light caught the bracelet at his wrist, the one he wore which marked him as mine. As far as I knew he never removed it. I stroked it with my fingertips and the gesture did not go unnoticed. I grinned at the mention of his Noghri body guard and wondered just what magic Thrawn had used to ditch him this time. Rukh had the most annoying ability to stick to him like glue, taking his job as the Admiral’s body guard very seriously. I did as he asked and un-dug my nails from the flesh of his back, glancing to make sure I hadn’t actually drawn blood and smiled as he caressed my face gently, all the while moving inside me with a slowness that was both agonizing and tantalizing.

I decided to up the ante a little and tapped into the force, making him remember what I had done to him on Myrkr, making him gasp with the sudden sensation, making his eyes narrow and his smile turn animal like. Not playing fair he would have said but I would have countered that nothing was fair in love or war and this was always a little of both. We had danced this routine many times so the words no longer needed to be said out loud but I could read them well enough in his eyes.

Suddenly, the need to couple as though we had never seen each other before and perhaps never would again was maddening. I could not get enough of him and at some point, when we rolled over so that I rode him and not the other way around, I felt as though all the power in the galaxy resided in this one simple act. I had often wondered if Palpatine had loved someone the way Thrawn and I loved each other then perhaps this galaxy would be a vastly different place. While possession and passion had been damned by the Jedi, love I understood could save us all from falling. Straddling his body, I felt like a goddess and he raised his eyebrows at me as I laughed out loud.

“Do you know how truly beautiful you are?” He asked as I leaned forward to kiss him. The scent we created was a perfume I found heady and breathing it in made my head reel as though I were completely intoxicated.

I shook my head in answer because the truth was I didn’t. I only knew how I looked to me and my opinion on that wavered from day to day. He reached up and brushed my hair back from my face again, more a gesture of affection than actually useful. For a moment we stopped and just stared at each other, then driven by something far more primal than love he placed his hands on my hips and pulled me deeper onto him. His want was infections and as it mingled with mine it spiralled out of control. Still, he had taught me the rewards of taking my time and because he had tortured me often enough with his infinite ability to go slow, so I moved my body at a languid pace in rippling undulations like rolling waves on the dune sea or pale moon’s light on cool, blue water. I smiled victoriously as he growled with an urgency he very rarely showed. I could feel his control give way to his ever rising need which echoed my own.

With my head tipped so that I bared my throat to him, I arched my back in a deep crescent mimicking the little moon that had risen in the sky earlier on. I opened myself up then to the full power of the living Force, its magic and mystery swallowing me whole. It flooded us both the way rays of light poured down onto the ground and I felt my body give way to his, shuddering with an intensity that almost drove me mad. How it was that he could do this to me with taste and touch was a little mystery I hoped would never be solved.

Not quite done yet I moved until I heard his own voice cry out as he finally lost that measure of self control which made him so vulnerable. I knew in that moment that I would never, ever love any man the way that I loved him. It scared me to death to give away so much of myself but at the same time it was also a freedom I would never completely understand.

When the moment passed and the last vestiges of pleasure gave way to a good kind of weariness, sweat soaked and satiated we parted, the one becoming two, and lay silent, entangled in each other’s limbs, basking in the sudden calm that washed over us both. Only after our hearts had slowed down and our breathing had returned to some semblance of normal did he break the quiet in the room.

“Do not ever leave like that again.” He said.

“I won’t.” I replied knowing exactly what he was talking about.

“Promise me.” He insisted.

I looked up into his face, a little puzzled by the pain hidden behind his words. “I promise.” I whispered.

My answer satisfied him because he nodded in a way that said this matter is now closed.

“But you knew….” I said after another long silence.

“How could I not?” He asked with a sigh.

“And yet you still let me go.”

“Could I have stopped you?” He asked. “Would you have forgiven me if I had?”

I sighed and moved away from his embrace. When I didn’t answer him he shifted to his side, leaning his head on his elbow to look at me better. “It was only a matter of time before Andando tried something else to get you to come to him; you were his obsession and your father was his trump card.”

“I never thought Jyrki would go after my family, I thought he was better than that. His fight was with me not them.” I swallowed down the sudden wave of grief that speared through me with a deep breath.

“Which is part of what makes you so unique, tekari; in spite of everything you see the good in people not the bad.”

I shrugged. Navaari had said much the same thing but it didn’t ease the grief or the guilt any. Anger and something else flashed through me. “I slaughtered him, Za’ar. I plunged my birth mother’s lightsaber straight through his chest, I watched as he died and I saw the look on his face! He didn’t think I could do that to him, he didn’t think I would.” I poked the exact spot on Thrawn’s chest so he would know where I meant. He wrapped my fingers with his and placed my hand over his heart but I pulled away and sat up, hugging my knees tightly to my chest.

I was a little taken aback at the sudden expression of exasperation which crossed Thrawn’s features quickly giving way to anger. “You did what you had to do.” He said firmly. “Stop agonising over something that was inevitable.”

I looked away from him but he reached over and grasped my arm making me turn back to face him because he wanted me to feel the full force of his next words.

“He would be alive if he had he stayed away from you and your family but he didn’t. He may have been a good man once but he turned ugly and his obsession pushed him to a place most men never go. He was cruel and vicious, caring only for his needs not yours or anyone else’s. Stop thinking he was something he wasn’t. I don’t need to list all his crimes against you but let me remind you of what he did to you when he kidnapped you. Let me remind you of the mess you were after you managed to escape. You still cannot speak to me of what happened there, what he put you through but you wake up screaming sometimes yelling for him to stop, to let you go. Someone who loves you would not have done that to you, no matter what. Jyrki put you through all manner of hells and lied to himself to make doing so okay. He would have killed you and fabricated some sort of story to tell himself it was for the best and not regretted it.”

I did not want to hear these words. “Stop it.”

But Thrawn just shook his head. “No, you will listen to me. I am tired of seeing you hurt especially at the hands of that man. Now he’s dead, and that’s the end of it. Jyrki Andando knowingly backed you into a corner you had no chance of escaping without either him or you losing your lives. It was and is that simple.” He said plainly. “This guilt you’re shouldering is pointless self pity and it’s beneath you. I won’t placate you in this useless waste of energy. Yes, he’s dead and yes, you killed him but what choice did you have?” He shook his head in frustration. “By the same token, I won’t pretend that everything is alright because it is not, I understand that but you have to stop thinking you are to blame for your father’s death because you are not. You need to stop feeling guilty for killing Jyrki, because personally I wonder if, perhaps, that wasn’t what he really wanted all along. Yes, taking a life marks you and you know that, he’s not the first and he might not be the last but you did not instigate this fight nor did you continue it. You did not set out with the single goal of murdering him and in the end it was self defence which cause his death by your hand nothing else. This little war he started is done and over with. He pushed you and you ended it but it could just have easily gone the other way and we would not be having this conversation. Then you would have been killed, many more people would be mourning including me and, had that been the case, I absolutely guarantee you that Jyrki Andando would still be just as dead.”

His words stung but they were also true. I scrubbed at my face with my free hand, tried not to cry and failed. He wasn’t being unkind so much as he was being honest and while I didn’t want to listen to these words I desperately needed to hear them. He was right and I knew it but that didn’t make it any easier to swallow.

“Tekari,” He relented a little, “I wish to Da’hajn that I could have saved you from this nightmare but I could not. You and that man were bound together by a thread stronger than anything anyone else could have severed. I know what he meant to you but I also know what he did to you, even if you are willing to forgive him for that I am not. I am grateful he is gone because I don’t believe, given his relentlessness in stalking you, that he would have ever let go of his obsession with you. I know you feel guilt for what happened but you need to let that go.”

“It’s so damned difficult.” I said between clenched teeth, angrily wiping my tear away. I was so tired of crying.

Thrawn drew a very deep breath and let it out slowly. “I would worry greatly if you found it easy.”

I made a face at him and shrugged out of his hold on my arm. “He should have left my family alone, his fight was with me.”

Thrawn nodded, “Yes it was.”

There was a long moment of silence then, heavy and full of sorrow, Thrawn said, “I am so sorry that we could not be in time to save your father. I would have had my people there sooner but we were engaged in combat at the time.”

“It wasn’t your fault.” I said automatically, finding it odd how I seemed to say the same words over and over again. “It also wasn’t your fight.”

He looked at me. “Perhaps not but that doesn’t ease my regret any.”

I shrugged slightly and got out of the bed, suddenly too restless to lie still any more. I picked up the robe slung across the chair and slipped it on. “Papa would have said that regret is for people who don’t have anything better to do than look backwards and wallow in the what-if.” I stood staring at him for a moment. “I thought I had lost everyone, so when you look at it from a certain point of view I was lucky. It could have been much, much worse.” I said bitterly because while it could have been worse, the grief was still the same. More tears sprang to my eyes this time but I just blinked them away.

Thrawn nodded, got out of the bed and slipped back into his trousers. “I brought a bottle of brandy with me, so why don’t you and I go upstairs and watch the dawn? I am told that sunrise on Tatooine is quite spectacular.”

With glasses in hand, we sat out on low wall of the roof top deck of my uncle’s house and watched as Tatoo I and Tatoo II began to illuminate the sky with their brilliance. I rested my head against his shoulder and sipped at the Corellian Brandy he had thought to bring with him. This was ours, this moment in time, like so many others we had shared. Sitting together watching the dawn and while it may have been a different planet the sensation of it never changed.

“How long are you here for?” I asked as the first true rays of Tatoo I’s light began to dance across the dunes making the sand sparkle.

“Just long enough.” He replied cryptically then added on a more serious note, “You and I need to discuss how things will proceed between us for the next while because there will be little time for this relationship and lengthy conversations of any kind while I am running this campaign.” He said then added, “And I wanted to speak with you face to face so you wouldn’t get any funny ideas.”

“You want me out of your way.” I said without any reproach.

“Yes, well there is that, although if I really wanted you tucked away someplace safe, I’d ask you to return to Hjal with Kirja’navaar’inkjerii. No, I would like you close. Nirauan still has need of a translator. Plus, I want your help but in a behind the scenes capacity and I would like you to do some work for Ged Larsen, act as a liaison for his people and mine. You have some remarkable talents which are being wasted; I have need of those skills but I want you safe and I will make no excuse for that.”

I nodded. “Okay, but I want to stay based on Nirauan.” The thought of trying to fit in on another ISD did not appeal to me.

He smiled, “That was the idea, though I am quite certain you would not mind piloting every now and then? Kirja’navaar’inkjerii flew in your ship to Nirauan so it has been returned to the base. I thought that a private transport vessel would be of use for undercover missions, provided you feel up to this of course. ”

“I think I could handle that.” I agreed, swirling the brandy in the glass I held. “Will we have any time together?” I asked hated that the question sounded needy but what I wanted to know.

He shrugged slightly, “That I cannot guarantee. If my plans go well it will be a busy campaign but hopefully short. However if things do not go according to plan then I cannot say how long it will take. I can tell you that I will do most of my work from the Chimaera, because the last thing I want is for anyone in the New Republic to discover the base on Nirauan so I won’t be there all that often and you will absolutely not step foot on board the Chimaera.” The sudden firmness in his voice made me glance at him sharply but before I could protest or say anything he continued, “It is my hope that with the tasks assigned you will be far too busy to miss me that much. However, it would not be the first time that space and duty have separated us and we’ve survived it before.”

I nodded, reaching out to touch the bracelet he wore possessively; it made him smile. I didn’t like this arrangement and he knew this but I had accepted it for what it was and he knew that as well.

“I will only get one chance to set this right, tekari; there is no room for any error, no room for distractions as pretty as they may be.” He brushed the side of my face with he backs of his fingers to stress what he meant, “Once law and order have been re-established and the reigns of the Empire given over to someone capable of leading it without falling prey to his or her megalomania then, I assure you, I have plans for you and me.”

I smirked a little at the perceived subtle innuendo in his words and downed the last of the brandy in my glass. The suns had both fully arisen and their light was almost blinding. A heat haze had already begun to shimmer off the sands, making the silhouette of Wayfar in the distance seem more like a wavering mirage than a real town. The wind had picked slightly and I could hear the snaking sands hiss across the dunes. The scent of pasha spice, which came from a small scrub plant that grew on the rocky areas of the desert, was heavy in the air. I could feel the subtle pressure of a sandstorm even though none had been forecast and smiled. By the end of the day we would be enfolded in the fierce embrace of ferocious winds and I looked forward to it. I kicked my legs back over the edge of the wall and slid off it back onto the deck. Thrawn watched me, the expression on his face unreadable until I tugged him by the waist band of his trousers. The slight smile that turned up the corners of his mouth was feral and full of promise.

“Has enough time passed?” I asked, coyly tilting my head to one side.

“You are insatiable, you know that? We have a lot to talk about, to plan in a short amount of time and we should be getting some rest before doing so.” He said knowing exactly what it was I wanted from him.

I just arched an eyebrow and my smile never changed. “And here I was thinking the Chiss had incredible stamina.”

His slight smile turned suddenly dangerous and he got off the wall to join me with an ease that was as graceful as it was beguiling. He slid his fingers under my hair and drew my head close to his face so that when he whispered in my ear his breath on my skin made the small hairs on my neck stand on end. “Are you challenging me, my dear?” he asked.

I drew back from his hold to stare him squarely in the eyes and grinned. “Yes, Admiral, I do believe I am.”

“Well then, tekari,” He said, “It’s your move.”

Between Sand and Stars 1

The funeral for my father was well attended. It felt as though half the planet had come from as far away as the Core; many people had liked and known Kit’gar Gabriel and he would be sorely missed. That so many pilots, spacers, mechanics and traders had come to pay their last respects was almost overwhelming and my father would have been surprised as well as touched had he known how many beings cared about him.

“He had a good reputation for being fair and honest.” One of the older pilots told me. “You always knew that Kit would treat you right when you landed at his dock or needed repairs.”

“Your father was a great pilot in his day, Merly. We were all surprised when he suddenly decided to get married and settle down. Never saw him happier then when he was talking about his family.” A pilot named Kirtis told me.

I could only nod in reply, too choked up to reply.

People gathered in the morning in Bestine and then, in hired multi carrier speeders, we drove, in single file out to the dunes near the house my mother had loved so much. The black ribbons that had been attached to the speeders fluttered in the created wind as we travelled reminding me of Jyrki’s hair being whipped by the storm on Ando Prime. Even here I could not escape the images that had been indelibly carved into my memory. I was grateful when we reached our destination.

My father’s body lay wrapped in the traditional black burial cloths and was laid on a repulsor lift which was escorted to the site where he would be buried. At Bedi’s instance my father was to be laid to rest next to my mother’s grave.

“She was the love of his life.” Bedi had told me through her tears as we discussed this surreal subject of where to bury him after I had arrived home. “I knew that, I always knew that. It’s why I had to leave when I did.”

I had only nodded. I knew a little about unrequited love and the havoc it could wreck. I also knew that my father had loved Bedi as well and I had been glad they had been able to find each other again so many years after my mother had passed away.

The funeral was led by Merl Tosche, who, when he had learned of my father’s death, had asked for the honour. He had known my father a long time and they had been good friends. As neither Bedi nor I felt up to the job and Uncle Vahlek was still too weak, I was grateful he had taken on this task. He was a man of few words and the actual ceremony itself was fairly short and to the point, something my father would have appreciated as he had never been a man for long flowery speeches.

Once the official eulogy was given and the body lowered into its final resting place then covered first by stones so that it could not be dug up by scavenger animals and then with sand, people were given time to bid my father farewell in their own way. As family we had the right to go first but I chose to ignore this in favour of being the last. By the time my turn came a heavy silence had fallen over everyone and everything. I stood for a long time staring at the mound of newly piled sand. I was certain the most people who knew me were expecting a speech of sorts about how much I had loved my father along with a story or two about him but no words that made any sense came to mind. Instead, I simply wept silently, tilting my face forward so that my tears dotted the desiccated sands with their precious moisture. I stayed silent too long and I could feel the tension shift in the air as people behind me began to get uncomfortable. Grief, as ugly as it was, also had its own decorum and I was breaking the rules.

“Merly?” Bedi’s hand touched me lightly on the arm, reminding me that I was not alone and people were waiting.

I nodded, feeling my throat close and that terrible ache in my chest threaten to choke me whole. “Good bye daddy.” I whispered, “I am so, so sorry.” I had to cover my mouth with my hands to stop from saying more, to stop from sounding like a very little girl rather than a grown woman.

It was Bel who brought me back into the world by hugging me tightly. “It wasn’t your fault.” She whispered in my ear but I knew better.

Once I was finished speaking the last part of the funeral rites could begin, the laying of small tokens at the grave stone. Chulpas, carved from Jappor snippets or small stones, strung on a leather thongs where wrapped about the grave marker.

It was a man named Gaelyn Scharr who had carved the grave marker from a hard stone which could only be found in the strange cliffs that ranged far out beyond the Jundland Wastes. The Sand People called these strange rocks Heart Stones because they survived centuries of scouring sands and winds. They believed these peculiar stones had once been a part of the very soul of the planet and they considered them sacred, that they were powerful and full of magical properties. Settlers had picked up on this and had long ago begun to use the stones to mark the graves of their dead with them. What the sand people thought of this no one knew but the Tuskens never touched or disturbed any grave marked with Heart Stone.

One by one we stepped forward to lay these tokens of love and respect at my father’s feet when I set mine down I thought it ironic that the symbol I carved on mine said exactly the same thing as the one that Lord Vader had given me to lay on his wife’s grave.

Forgiveness.

I saw people’s questioning looks as I set the snippet face up so the symbol could be read but no one dared ask what it meant. I almost lost it then, faltering a little as I went to stand up. Thrawn, hidden behind the clothes and the mask of the Dantassi, laid a hand upon my shoulder giving me a touch of strength and understanding. He knew what I had carved and although he had disagreed with it, he respected my feelings. I had let my father down and he had died because I had not been fast enough or clever enough to see past the trap which Jyrki had set for me. I had told Jyrki that I had forgiven him for what he had done to me but I could not forgive him for my father’s death, I couldn’t forgive myself either. No matter what anyone said I would always feel responsible for what had happened even though it had been beyond my control. I wept then, tears coursing unabashedly down my face. I had loved my father dearly, despite our sometimes rocky relationship and now he was forever gone leaving a hole in my heart that I wasn’t certain would ever completely heal.

When the rites were complete we returned to Mos Eisley for the reception which was held at the docking bay. It seemed appropriate as this was the place my father had seemed the most alive. I wandered amongst the crowded rooms of the house and landing bay half aware that people spoke to me, nodding absently at their sympathetic touches and murmured words of condolence. Bedi had decided to have the affair catered so there was more food and drink than anyone knew what to do with but I couldn’t touch anything, I had no appetite and the very thought of eating made me ill.

Because there were so many people, the reception went well on into the evening. As family I was considered a host and required to remain for the duration for the entire event, just as were Bedi and Bel. I was grateful that all of the people who worked at the docking bay had offered to stay and clean up, making the work go faster than expected. When the last mourner left I let out a deep sigh, as though I had been holding my breath since I had first opened my eyes in the morning. It had been an utterly exhausting day and both Bedi and Bel, after much cajoling from me, retired to their respective bedrooms leaving me on my own to contemplate everything that had happened.

It had been, as funerals go, beautiful, at least this was what everyone had told me. I didn’t remember much of and had I been pressed for details the only thing that came sharply to mind was the scent of the hot sand and the haunted look in my uncle’s eyes.

Uncle Vahlek had been stoic and calm though his sorrow was plain to read on his drawn face. His wound, the one he had received saving my life, pained him greatly and he moved with a stiffness I wasn’t sure he would ever lose. The doctors on board the Judicator had been loath to let him attend but he had insisted to the point of being obnoxious and Thrawn had told them to let him go, promising that he would be returned promptly after the ceremony.

Navaari and Thrawn, dressed as Za’ar, had stayed near me, silent, imposing figures in full Dantassi clothing, even more impressive given how hot they must have been beneath the layers of clothing and their masks. Thrawn had felt it best to keep his face hidden and I had not disagreed. There were rumours that an up and coming art auction slated to happen in a couple of months might draw in prominent members from the New Republic so for Thrawn, the last Imperial Grand Admiral, staying out of sight seemed like a good idea. The New Republic had spies everywhere and it was no secret that Tatooine was home to their most famous member, Luke Skywalker.

If anyone had thought to question the Bone Traders’ presence at my father’s funeral they had kept it to themselves, after all my father had known many, many people, but I felt a certain easing of tension from the crown when neither of the Bone Traders had come to the reception. It seemed surreal to me that so many people would fear the Dantassi and I had to keep reminding myself that once upon a time I had been terrified of them as well. Most people had assumed they had gone off to hunt but I knew that their lack of presence at the reception was because, by then, they were in a shuttle on their way back to the ISD with Uncle Vahlek so that he could continue his healing treatments. I had not seen them leave and I wasn’t sure when or if Navaari or Thrawn would return. During the funeral there had not been any time to discuss what I or they would be doing next. I had assumed that Thrawn would get in touch with me when things had settled down. He knew when to give me the space I needed.

With house now oddly silent in the wake of the mass of people who had been there earlier, I stayed awake, sitting in the kitchen staring at the walls cradling a cup of tea in my hands. The tea had gone cold without me even taking a single sip. I was exhausted but I couldn’t sleep. This house and the docking bay were too full of memories. Everywhere I looked I saw either my father’s ghost or Jyrki’s shadow and I wasn’t sure which hurt more. It seemed strange to know that everything I was looking at belonged to me now because my father had left all he had owned to me. I had just shaken my head at Bedi’s words as she had told me this. I didn’t want the docking bay, or the houses that went along with it. I didn’t want any of it and I told her that.

“Wait a while before you make these decisions, Merly, you might change your mind.” Bedi had said.

But I knew I wouldn’t although I hadn’t argued with her. “Will you stay and run it?” I had asked instead.

“If you want us to.”

“It’s Bel’s home. It’s your home too.” I had countered. “I can’t live here or work here any more. I have a life away from this place now. I’ll have the papers amended to make you both co-owners then there is no more discussion about it.” I had spoken in such a way that she knew I was neither joking nor would I take no for an answer. Papa had not updated his will since after my mother’s death and I had been certain he would have wanted me to make sure that both Bedi and Bel were taken care of.

She had nodded, her expression a mixture of relief and sorrow. She had thought it was because of my grief for my father’s death that I had felt this way but the truth was that Jyrki’s ghost haunted me here more so than anywhere else and I couldn’t bear to be near any of it.

I had not told her what had happened on Nar Shadda or Ando Prime; all she knew was that papa had sent both her and Bel to Corellia to pick up a shipment while he had stayed at the dock to take care of some business. Call it a small holiday with some work on the side, he had told them, you could both use a little get away. He was gone by the time they had returned but it wasn’t unusual for that to happen so neither of them had thought much about it. He never told them the truth; that Uncle Vahlek had sent a warning that Jyrki had something terrible planned and they should all vanish for a while. I had guessed that my father had decided enough was enough and that if no one else would take of Jyrki, who was hurting his little girl, then he would. He hadn’t wanted to worry them but maybe he should have. When Jyrki had come to the docking bay to wreck havoc, he had found only my father and I guessed that papa had gone without much of a fight because the place had been left undisturbed giving no clues as to what had really happened.

I had learned from Navaari that Thrawn had told Bedi that papa had died from a heart attack while on Nar Shadda, brought on by what looked like a mugging and that the med team had not been able to save him. When pressed for details he had said he did not know, which at the time was the truth. Bedi and Bel had both had accepted this because the medical report had backed up the basic information. It hadn’t seemed necessary to go into the graphic, terrible details and now that Jyrki was dead, I wouldn’t have to worry about him going after the rest of my family. So what had happened on Nar Shadda and Ando Prime would stay a secret only four people would know. I wished it was as easy to forget as it had been to hide the truth.

Every time I closed my eyes to try and sleep I saw Jyrki’s face as the lightsaber’s blade pierced his body or my father tied to that awful chair in that terrible room. I didn’t know how to get past these images or the terrible nightmares that had me bolting awake, screaming almost every night. On Nirauan Thrawn had been there to comfort me when I had woken in this manner but on the ISD Judicator I had been alone because Thrawn was onboard his flagship, the Chimaera, a ship he would not let me board for reasons he would never quite explain. In the end I had not argued with him because I had wanted to be near my uncle who was still in recovery on the Judicator. Only after security had come running two nights in a row to see that I wasn’t being murdered in my quarters did I take the doctor up on his offer of sedatives but they didn’t really work as intended, they had just made me glassy eyed and vacant.

I sat for a long time in the kitchen of the house in Mos Eisley before finally making up my mind to get the hell out and go some place where I could think without interference from all of the ghosts which trailed around. I left a note to say where I was headed and why, packed enough things for a few days and caught the shuttle out to Wayfar. From there I walked to my uncle’s house where I was greeted by his little bearded jaxes who, although had been fed by the little care taker droid, pretended they were all starving.

I spent the rest of the night half dozing with Khavi purring contentedly on my lap. It was oddly comforting to be in the company of the little furry creatures my uncle doted upon. Since I had last been here their numbers had increased because Khavi had given birth to kittens that were now all grown up. Maddy and Mayhem still owned the house but now they had to contend with Nixi, Eira and Sja. If the little feline like creatures found it difficult living so far away from their natural home of Rori, which was the swampy moon orbiting Naboo, they never let on. Jaxes, my uncle had told me could also be found on Endor but the species on Rori were easier to tame. They made good house creatures, keeping away small rodents and bugs with their natural hunting abilities and they were affectionate companions when they chose to be. I was always happy when Khavi jumped delicately onto my lap and made herself at home, taking it as a sign of acceptance. I woke before sunrise and despite the fact that I had not really slept well, I felt more at ease and more refreshed than I had since Jyrki’s cryptic message had arrived on Nirauan. Grateful to have the place to myself, the day passed easily and I spent much of it crying or dozing intermittently.

Cleansing the spirit, Ma’kehla would have called this, I didn’t know about that but it felt cathartic to just cry with no one else around even though the comfort of another was a good thing. This time I understood that having time to say farewell to the ghosts of the dead was necessary. Grief was a terrible thing and I had experienced it from a very early age all the way through into my adult life. It seemed to me that half of the lessons I had learned were about how to cope with loss, not that I did a very good job of that, but for reasons I couldn’t explain it hadn’t dampened my own love of life any, in fact, if anything it had made me understand that life was fragile and precious.

I loved my uncle’s house; it was a place of peace and quiet. Out past Wayfar it sat at the edge of the sands near the rocky bluff. In the distance I could see the towers of Jabba’s palace and it was an impressive sight, especially at suns set. A few other hardy people had built out here but it was mainly still deserted and I was grateful for this. During my time on Tatooine when Lord Vader had banished me from his sight, I had spent a lot of time in this house and it had become my second home. My uncle had long ago given me a key-code so I could come and go as I pleased and given me free reign to decorate the lower bedroom as I saw fit. I was never been more grateful for this than now. When the day drew to a close, I sat outside on the stone veranda and watched the twin suns set. The last rays peeked over the hills behind Jabba’s Palace and lit up the sky in fierce colours of reds and oranges and for a moment it reminded me of the mountains, laced with drifting snow, on Ando Prime. The ache of what had happened on that planet returned and I wondered as I sat there in the quiet of the desert’s twilight if I would ever be able to get past what had taken place, what I had done.

Taking a life changes a person, Thrawn had once told me and he had been right. I had killed and I wasn’t certain I would ever be able to come to terms with all that had happened. As the last of the day’s light had vanished giving way to the night I looked up into the sky, searching for the first star and was surprised to realise that it wasn’t Jyrki or my father who were on my mind but Thrawn and suddenly I had missed him most of all.

When the air turned cool I went back inside to make something to eat and maybe watch some old Holo-Dramas that my uncle liked to keep around. The jaxes bugged me for food and, after both they and I had eaten, I lounged on the couch, dozing rather than watching some old Holo about unrequited love that I had stuck into the player.

Sometime after midnight I woke up, startled by a vague nightmare that involved Thrawn but I couldn’t remember it clearly once I was fully back in the world again. As I made tea to take outside so that I could sit on the carved sand-stone veranda and watch the night sky I wondered if I would ever be free of these nightmares which clung to me. Probably not, I thought as I wandered outside, wrapped in a thick poncho to keep the night’s chill at bay.

Chenini, a slender silver crescent, began to climb into the sky following her sisters into the dark blue, star covered blanket. It was rare to see all three moons in the sky at once and I knew that all over Tatooine the Sand People and the Jawas would be holding their various rites to celebrate the rare celestial occurrence. Both peoples were superstitious and the moons held their sway. For me it was as if Tatooine was finding its own way to say farewell to one of her fallen sons.

I sat, leaning back against the house outer wall, watching the third moon of Tatooine rise, cradling a cup of mint tea in my hands. The night was cool and the soft hiss of sand upon sand as grains snaked over the rolling dunes was a lullaby I had almost forgotten. Somewhere in the distance I could hear a herd of banthas lowing and it carried through the air like some mournful lament. I got up and wandered to the edge of the steps to see if I could catch a glimpse of them in the moons’ light but they were too far away, instead I watched as a lone figure walk through the sands towards the house, moonlight reflecting white where his face should have been. I stood stock still and waited, the cup of tea in my hands sending steam into the air like a beacon. I knew who it was without even thinking about it. I knew his walk; I knew the mask he wore and what he looked like underneath it. What I didn’t know was why he had come all the way out here in the middle of the night when he was supposed to be on board of his ship trying to re-establish the Empire’s rule on the galaxy.

I did not speak as Thrawn, dressed in his Dantassi clothes, his face hidden by the antique bone mask, with a small pack slung across one shoulder approached the house. If the trek from Wayfar had tired or even winded him he showed no signs of it. Keeping himself in shape was something he took seriously and for some reason this made me smile. I waited and watched as he untied his mask and held it in one hand. When our eyes met there was a moment of electricity but also a moment of uncertainty. Then after what felt like an eternity he spoke.

“Should you not be asleep?” He asked.

I stared at him and shrugged. “Sleep is overrated.” I told him as I sat back down, my legs dangling over the edge of the veranda. “Did Bedi tell you where I was?”

He shook his head. “You’re still wearing the necklace with the tracking chip. It made it easy to find you and I did not wish to wake your household up. It is quite late by the time I arrived on world.”

My hand went to the small, carved bone pendant slung on a slender leather thong. For a moment I played with it then with one swift sharp pull I tore it off and flung it as far away from me as I could. It disappeared in the sand. Thrawn’s expression as he watched me do this was unreadable but then he smiled and set his pack on the ground, coming to stand beside where I sat. We stayed like that for a long time not saying a word. In the moons light his face was all shadows and lines, more handsome than ever before and the glow from his alien red eyes even brighter than I remembered. He took my breath away, even now.

Eventually he broke the easy silence. “Kirja’navaar’inkjerii will not be impressed when he learns you threw away his clever little track A’myshk’a-where-ever-she-goes tool.” He said.

I shrugged. “He doesn’t need it any more. I don’t need it any more either.” I said, half expecting him to be cross, instead he just nodded. “So to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit out here in the middle of nowhere?” I asked.

Thrawn pulled off his gloves then reached for his pack out of which he pulled a small box. “I thought you might like to have this returned to you.” He said as he handed it to me. I did not need to open it to know what lay inside of it. My ma’arilite necklace, the one I had left behind when I had gone off in search of Jyrki and my family.

I sighed as I opened it, biting my bottom lip as I just sat staring at the small pendant, made luminous in the moons’ silvery light. Thrawn watched my face carefully misreading my expression. “Do you not wish to have it back?”

I shook my head and handed him the necklace, shifting and pulling up my hair so he could fasten it around my neck. “Yes, of course I do. I took it off because I was afraid to lose it but…,” I said with a sigh. “It’s just … well… we seem to do this a lot.”

I felt rather than saw him nod. “Yes we do. I sincerely hope this will be the last time that I have to return it to you after some unfortunate circumstance.” He said gently, kissing the nape of my neck to let me know he was done. I was surprised that his small kiss made me shiver.

I moved to face him, my fingers brushing the small stone that now sat at its rightful place about my neck. “Thank you.” I said after a long pause looking up into his face.

It was his turn to draw a deep breath. I could see a thousand questions flash through his eyes but he didn’t ask any of them. Instead he just smiled as he stood there, his arms folded across his chest, his face raised to the sky, his eyes closed, as though he were basking in the sunlight not that of the moons. Then as if deciding something he turned to look at me and asked, pointing at my cup. “What are you drinking?” He asked.

“Mint tea, would you like some?” I got up before he could answer and turned to go in and fetch him a cup but before I could take a step he reached out for me, catching my free hand in his.

“Wait.” He said as he jumped up on the veranda to join me, making the distance between us small. Suddenly, where there had been an air of quiet melancholy was now the decided tingle of something else, something electric. He watched my face carefully as if he could get all the answers he sought from simply looking into my eyes but when that failed he said, “We need to talk.”

“Talk?” I asked carefully taking a step back from him. “No, I don’t think so.” I told him, wrongly assuming he meant he wanted to hear the details about what had happened on Ando Prime. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

His fingers brushed a strand of hair which the breeze was playing with back from my face. “Oh yes, I think there is. We have much to discuss, my dear, especially about what will happen in the future.” He said with a slight smile, speaking in such a way that I no longer knew what sort of conversation this was supposed to be.

I frowned at this familiar game. “So you came all the way out here, in the middle of the night to give me back my necklace and have a little chat?” I asked.

His lips curled into a lazy smile. “Can you think of a better reason to come to Tatooine in the middle of the night?” He countered, taking a step towards me. This time I didn’t move.

“I hear the suns’ rise can be quite spectacular.” I countered.

“Hmmm, well perhaps our talk can wait until dawn then.”

I shrugged and glanced away from his gaze. “Shouldn’t you be on board your ship plotting the New Republic’s overthrow?” My words sounded a little sharper than I had meant them to.

“I am taking some leave time.” He replied, his words cool and business like. “You and I have some unfinished business and I wish to deal with it before things get too busy.” He spoke casually but there was a hint of need under his words. He moved forward again backing me up against the wall.

With the sandstone wall of the house at my back, I glanced up at him casually with just my eyes, “Unfinished business?” I asked.

His gaze on my face was intense. The air between us pulsed. “Call it reconnaissance if you like. I wish to find out more about this supposed art auction Bedi was telling you about and who better to ask than you?”

“Who indeed.” I murmured, understanding that, while maybe he did want to talk about serious things, this was his way of saying we needed time with each other and we didn’t have much of it left before he began the full push of his current campaign. Duty would always come first but I was grateful that sometimes I came a close second.

I suppose he saw these thoughts plainly written on my face, he was better at reading me than anyone else and he shook his head as if to tell me I was the one who was wrong. “You truly have no idea, do you A’myshk’a?” He said softly as he cupped my chin with one hand, raising my face up to meet his.

“Probably not.” I said with a slight shrug, not all that sure what he meant but not wanting to ask either. “But does that matter?”

There was a lengthy pause while he considered his answer, “No and if I were to be honest, perhaps it is part of your charm.” He replied thoughtfully then, before I could say anything else, he kissed me as though he had not seen me in a hundred years. I was surprised by the sudden ache of need which shot through me. Grief, it seemed, could be overruled after all and I ignored the cup of tea which fell from my fingers to shatter on the stone floor beneath us in favour of returning his passionate kiss.