I sat with my legs dangling over the side of the gantry and my chin on my arms as I rested them on the railing watching Thrawn disembark from the shuttle. He didn’t look up but he knew I was there. I watched as he returned the salute from his deck officer and then, with Rukh in tow, left for the commander center and then to the debriefing I knew was scheduled. It was just past two in the morning local time and I had no intention of going near our quarters not to mention sleeping.
People were used to me being up on the gantry, sitting like a little kid watching a Jawa market so I was left alone mostly. I just observed the activity on the dock as pilots and crew came and went, going on about their business. Even at this late hour there were a myriad of things to do and it was interesting to see, of course avoidance of Thrawn made anything more interesting including watching the dock-bay crew sweep the floor. I wasn’t tired although I should have been. I had woken up early because of nightmares and then spent most of my day with the Fel boys, teaching them Cheunh and helping their mother, Syal who was kept busy with their latest addition Jagged. He was a bit of a handful.
I had come to watch Thrawn’s shuttle land as soon as Parck told me it was on the way to the base but actually seeking Thrawn out was not on my agenda. I decided to wait until he sent for me, or not. Either way he had to make the first move. It was nearly four am when he broke the stand-off by coming to fetch me himself. I felt the subtle shake of the gantry when he walked along it and only glanced at him when he squatted down, heel to haunch, beside me. For a very long time we just stared at each other until he broke the silence.
“I am sorry.” He said simply.
I continued to stare at him until something in his expression wavered and then I nodded. “Me too.”
He opened his mouth but the overly abrupt hand gesture on my part stopped any words he wanted to say from escaping. “Don’t.” I said. “I know you feel you need to explain but you don’t.
His expression indicated frustration. I sighed and returned to resting my chin on my arms to stare over the docking bay. “Navaari was right.”
“In what way?”
“You and I are like the ingredients in a sun. We need each other to shine. It’s fine as long as all the chemicals and gasses that go into making it up are in harmony, but when something goes out of balance it explodes, usually violently and then things get…well… a bit tense. It’s all very exciting in a weird sort of way until someone gets burnt or hurt. We’re very good at going nova and we’re both very good at hurting each other when we’re angry.” I glanced at him and he nodded, waiting for me to finish. “It takes two to start a war. You were wrong…but so was I.” I paused for a moment. “And,” I added, “I think a part of me likes winding you up like that even though I know it will end in disaster.”
“Why?”
I shrugged ever so slightly with on shoulder, “Because I’m human, I need emotion from my partner. You’re so calm and so cool headed almost all of the time, you use your own super intelligent logic to out logic everything and everyone else, and it’s like living in a vacuum. I almost never know what you are thinking or feeling unless you show me and even then that’s rare. Sometimes I feel as though I could be part of your office furniture. Riling you up like that is the only way I have of really knowing that you actually care about me, even if it’s anger it’s better than cool, calculated indifference.”
“I have never been indifferent when it comes to you.” He said quietly. I could taste the hurt behind the words.
“I know that…logically.” I said with a little grin then returned my gaze to the quiet of the docking bay.
“But logic isn’t always enough?” He said after a moment.
“Something like that, I guess.” I nodded. “Look, I’m am not now nor was I ever having an affair with Ged Larsen. That’s not to say it didn’t cross my mind because that would be a lie. He’s attractive, intelligent, arrogant and bossy which is exactly the sort of man I seem to like. Maybe if you were not in the picture he and I would have started something but I am also sure if we had it would have ended badly. So you were wrong about all of that, wrong and hurtful. You need to believe me when I say I would not do that to you. If, and I have to stress the if part here, if I were going to cheat on you, you’d know about it because I would talk to you about it first.” I glanced up at him.
He arched an eyebrow, “Then it wouldn’t technically be cheating.”
“You get my point.” I gave him a look.
“I do.” He conceded.
“You have no real reason to be jealous but you are anyway. I like it even though the results are a bit…unpredictable and winding you up just to get a response is also unfair. In this I was wrong and I’m sorry, but as I said, it takes two.”
He reached out to brush the side of my face. “Time with the Dantassi seems to have a calming effect on you.”
“No, it’s the mind numbing cold of the planet does that.”
“So, I take it from the fact that no objects are being flung at me that you have forgiven me?”
“There is not really anything to forgive.” I said after a lengthy silence.
“Indeed?” He replied sceptically.
I glanced at him. “If I had told you to stop you would have.”
He sighed as he stood up. “I think this is a conversation better finished in private, don’t you?”
I stared at him for a moment then reluctantly got up, unsure of how the rest of this conversation would play out. I walked beside him in silence as we made our way to our private quarters. The halls of the base were quiet and almost deserted. There were a billion questions I wanted to ask him about his campaign but I kept my mouth shut not wanting to break the oddly calm stillness between us.
He let me through the door first before following me inside. Once inside he began to strip off his uniform jacket in a single graceful motion. It was like watching him shed a skin and once he laid it carefully over the back of a chair he seemed to relax. I watched this process with a sense of profound wonder. When he was done he turned to look at me, for a second our eyes caught and time paused. When he beckoned I came to stand before him. When he crooked a finger under my chin and raised my face upwards I didn’t resist. We stared at each other and then he nodded ever so slightly.
“If you had asked me to stop, I would have.” He said after what seemed forever.
I just continued to look at him.
“But you said nothing.” He continued, almost puzzled. “You let me….”
I gave a slight shrug with my left shoulder and moved away from his touch. “You seemed to need….”
“I did not need to be cruel or hurtful and I was both.” He interrupted angrily, turning away from me to pace over to the window; the dawn was making its presence known as the night sky began to lighten in the east in faint red streaks. “It is a poor leader who cannot admit his mistakes.” He said. “I have had time to think on what passed between us and it was…unnecessary.”
“I pushed, you lost it, we’re both to blame.” I said more sharply than I meant to. “Sometimes I like it when you lose control; sometimes I want you to lose control.” I said honestly.
“Why?” He asked turning to look at me, curiosity and concern rippled across his face.
“The Emperor would say it is all about power games, my uncle would tell you it’s because I don’t know when to back off and I really don’t know but it’s probably someplace in between.”
Thrawn arched an eyebrow at me.
I shrugged. “I don’t care to get into the why of it and it’s not something I want to make a habit of either. It happened; it’s done and over with so can we please just let it go, okay?”
“Just like that?”
I nodded, “Just like that. Some things are better left alone and I think this is one of them.” I said, watching him carefully, wary and worried that something really had broken between us. Vader had often been abusive and Thrawn had often berated me for allowing it, as if I had had a choice, and now here we were discussing a similar theme only this time it wasn’t Vader he was angry at it was himself. I watched the struggle on his face and then breathed a small sigh of relief when I saw him let it go. I went to sit down; suddenly I was tired.
“I’ve said it before, I will say it again; you are a distraction I do not need but you do make my life interesting.” He remarked quietly.
I wasn’t quite sure how to take that so I just smirked a little and sipped my drink. “You’re not the easiest man in the galaxy to be with either you know.”
“Then we make the perfect pair, don’t we.”
“That’s what Navaari says all the time, only he usually adds we’re both too stupid and stubborn to see it. I really am sorry. I think you’ve been right all along when you said I need some sort of crisis to deal with in order to be happy.”
“You should try to base your happiness on something less destructive.” He replied.
“You mean I should not create more conflict?”
He nodded. “We have more than enough of that to go around right now without you adding to it, my dear.”
“Your campaign?” I asked, “How is it going anyway?”
He smiled slightly but it never reached his eyes. “As well as could be expected given the circumstances.” He said after a moment.
“That didn’t sound encouraging.”
“Things sometimes do not go according to plan.” He said cagily.
“But Park said you were doing well.” I frowned.
“Define well tekari.” He replied. “I am working with too few ships and too many raw, untrained people. Given these circumstances we have done well so far but it is difficult and I cannot help but think the New Republic seem to have an inordinate amount of sheer dumb luck on their side. Though we have made great strides and I am, for the most part, pleased with what we have accomplished so far.” He drew a deep breath and came to sit beside me. “I do not discuss openly much of what has gone on. I wish to boost moral not drive it down but we lost a significant battle because I misjudged the enemy’s capacity to think on their feet.”
“Doesn’t that crazy old jedi master you have on board the Chimaera help?”
Thrawn shot me a sharp look. “He does his job but he is unpredictable and in this particular case was of no use. Park told you about him did he?”
I nodded. “And the clones, and the cloaking device.”
“I see.” He said unhappily, “Well, Joruus C’Boath is a clone of an old jedi master I once had the misfortune to meet when I was a lot younger. This clone has all the unpleasant personality traits of the long dead original jedi master as well as clone instability. In other words he is a dangerous time bomb who is quite out of his mind but he has his uses and for the most part I have him under my control. When I no longer have that ability I will eliminate him.” He said. “I would prefer you stay as far as way from him as possible which is the main reason I wanted you on board the Virulent.”
“And now?”
Thrawn shrugged with one shoulder, “Ideally, my dear I would prefer you return to the Virulent and resume your work there.”
“After the fuss you made you want me to go back there?”
“It is still the safest place for you to be and one where you can be of use. I am concerned that C’Boath will sense your presence here and try to obtain you for his student. I have no illusions about what he would do if he became aware of you and your talents and I do not wish to have to deal with such a problem should it arise.”
I slumped back against the couch. “I should have stayed with Navaari.”
“The thought had crossed my mind but I am not so sure his new wife would have appreciated that.”
I scowled at him. “You should have been there.” I said suddenly switching to the topic of Navaari’s wedding.
“Yes, but I was not and it seems everyone except you understands why. I have a job to do and I cannot drop everything to come to a wedding. It was far more important that you be there and it meant far more to Kirja’navaar’inkjerii that you were there than I. If I cannot accomplish this task, if I cannot unite this galaxy under one military might then the future will be uncertain indeed.”
“Uncertain? We’ll all just be under the rule of this crazy New Republic, what is so terrible about that?”
“Nothing if you live in a time of peace and security but I happen to know that this little galaxy is not as safe as everyone seems to think it is.”
“You’re talking about this threat from beyond?”
“I am.” He nodded. “I realize no one wants to hear about it, I realize it is easier to say it’s a lie there is nothing beyond this galaxy and that it is simply an excuse to obtain more power but mark my words, should this invasion come to pass this galaxy will be very sorry it was so quick to eliminate the might of the empire.”
“Every time you speak of this you scare the hell out of me.”
“As well you should be scared.” He said flatly. “These creatures eliminated a Chiss defense fleet as though it were a small bug to be stepped on and while my people may not appear outwardly aggressive we have some of the finest warriors in this galaxy. It is a mixed blessing that the Chiss have no desire to rule everything or to make the first move when it comes to dealing with threats from other species because if they did, the New Republic would not exist. So yes, you should be scared.”
“If this threat is so terrible then why not talk to the leaders of the New Republic, why not try to make them understand.”
He laughed, “Do you really think that after everything they have done to beat the Empire they will willingly and openly talk to the last Imperial Grand Admiral and then give up their power over what they would see as pure speculation?”
“But you said…”
He held up his hand for silence. “I know of a threat that may or may not happen. I am calculating by the knowledge I have and the artwork I have managed to gain access to that this species we discuss will come, they are driven to do so. However, it is only conjecture and,” he said with a sigh, “I have been wrong before.” He drew a deep breath, “No self respecting government would ever in their right minds, give up their power to a military might based on such a theory. They would no more trust me on my theory than they would the Emperor to be nice.”
“Artwork?” I asked quietly, remembering a piece he had once shown me very long ago in his flat on Coruscant. It had utterly creeped me out.
“Yes.”
“I remember the painting. Aside from being the ugliest thing I have ever seen what did it tell you?”
“That this is a species best left alone and we should all pray they do us the same courtesy.” His reply was evasive and said this topic was not up for discussion yet.
“What about joining with The New Republic instead of trying to beat them then?” I steered the topic back.
He shook his head, “I personally do not believe that the New Republic has what it takes to actually join forces and fight off a common enemy, just as the last republic bickered until the end so will this one. It is the nature of the beast. While they all say they want fairness and equality it is the way of things that some species are more equal than others. I guarantee you that should this threat come to pass, it will take this government too long to take appropriate action and then they will spend more time trying to figure out who to blame than trying to solve the situation.”
I stared at the dregs of my drink and let the weight of the silence descend on my shoulders. “I really hope you’re wrong because if this is the future we face then everyone will wish they had the might of the Empire to back them up.”
Thrawn regarded me carefully. “The problem is no one is ever happy with how things are run and everyone not running things thinks they can do a better job. When Palpatine took on the mantel of emperor everyone cheered and those who opposed were few and far between, but when suddenly things didn’t go their way the same people who cheered turned against him. I would willingly bet that in ten years we will see the same kind of dissent in this new government when people realize that they do not get all that they want or when things do not go their way.”
“Do you think you can win?”
He thought about his answer for a while, “Yes, but it will not be easy and certain things have to go very right for it all to happen.”
“If I ask for details you won’t give them will you?”
“No.”
I watched his face, not saying anything and then asked, when he remained closed on that subject, “So what now?”
He cocked his head to one side and downed the rest of his drink. “Now, if you permit me, I shall take you to bed.”
“No more discussions?”
“Not of a verbal kind, unless you wish to stay up discussing politics and war until I need to depart of the Chimaera again but I can think of more pleasant ways to spend my time with you.”
“Endless discussion about war and politics...that’s not really my idea of fun.” I said letting him take me by the hand and pull me to my feet.
“Nor mine.” He smiled.
03.08.2009
A Star Wars story told from a different point of view.
25/04/2009
19/04/2009
The delicate Lie 6
Standing for Navaari as he was bound to An’jast’a was one of the proudest, most wonderful moments of my life. As the enclave elder pronounced them joined I thought my heart would burst and the tears that welled up in my eyes were tears of pure joy. The great hall was so full it felt as though it would burst, Navaari had many friends, as did An’jast’a, and everyone wanted to be there for them when they finally wed. The celebration which took place after promised to be the largest the enclave had ever known and I felt honoured to be a part of it but at the same time saddened that Thrawn was not here to share it with me.
During the feast I sat next to An’jast’a as was custom and she made certain I did not feel left out or lonely. She made sure that I was caught up on all the latest news and gossip that I had managed to somehow miss during the month I had been on Hjal. It was easy to avoid the gossip when Navaari was in charge of keeping me busy. Convinced that I was getting lax in my practice of tracking he had insisted on taking me out on long treks across the tundra to make sure my skills had not diminished any. I had been grateful for the distraction and happy to be under Navaari’s watchful guidance, learning from him was a treat. He had sensed my need to escape from Thrawn, from Ged and everything that had been happened. When I needed to talk he listened, when I wanted advice he gave it and when I needed a distraction he provided it in the form of hard work.
Once the feasting was done the great hall was cleared for the dancing. It was a huge thing and the Dantassi loved to party at every opportunity. I was convinced it had something to do with the endless amount of time they seemed to spend cooped up due to bad weather. Whatever the reason for the celebration it was usually an amazing event and normally I enjoyed it greatly but this time I found myself missing Thrawn more than ever. His presence failed and it made my heart ache. At some point late in the celebrations, once I managed to escape being swept into the dancing again, I slipped quietly out of the hall, picked up my warm clothes and went to the South Gate to sit out on the hanging bench that had been made for me by Kerrjan, one of Navaari’s closest friends. I had often come here when I wanted to be alone, when I had felt the walls of the enclave closing in on me or when Navaari and I had been fighting. It was Kerrjan’s clever solution to stop me from doing crazy things and to give him some peace and quite. Apparently, Navaari and I were very loud when we argued. I loved it here especially when it was such a beautiful night, still, cold with a crystal clear sky full of twinkling stars.
As I swung the bench back and forth with the tips of my feet I stared up at the sky I could not help but wonder where Thrawn was now and how his campaign was going. I had not heard from him in all the time I was here and now, after a month’s time, I wondered why I had been so angry at him and if he was still furious with me or if he had just decided I was no longer worth the hassle. I missed him greatly and I was deeply saddened that he had not come to see Navaari joined with An’jast’a. Bundled up in the warmth of my clothes, I was half dozing when I heard the outer door open. I let my senses talk to me and smiled, making room for Navaari to sit next to me.
“You should be celebrating.” I said as he tapped his pipe against the side of the chair to empty it.
“I could be saying the same for you.” He replied as he filled his pipe and lit it. “I just wanted to be sure you were not vanishing off into the night.”
I made a face, “You will never let me forget that will you?”
“Probably not.” He chuckled. “So what is on your mind that you had to be slipping away like a ghost?”
“Nothing really, I just needed some fresh air.” I said evasively.
Navaari smiled and took a deep draw on his pipe, making the tobacco glow. “You’ve been gone nearly two hours, that’s a lot of fresh air.” He said gently, “What is it?”
“He should be here for you!” I said crossly.
“He is busy fighting a war, Kycsi’i.” He said gently.
“I know but still….”
“I did not expect him to be here and neither should you. If you want to speak with him you should return to him and stop hiding here.”
I nodded, Navaari was right and we both knew it. “I was planning on returning to Nirauan in a day or so.” I said, “I thought it would be best if I was out of your hair when An’jast’a moved into your home.”
“You are never, as you are putting it, in my hair and it is your home as well, but An’jast’a will appreciate the gesture. She is a little worried about taking over your place in my life.”
I laughed, “She can’t do that.” I said, “We have different places in your heart and as long as I have a bed to sleep on when I come to see you I don’t care really. In fact I think she’ll do wonders for the place because while you may be the best tracker there is you know nothing about home décor.” I paused to look up at him to make sure he knew I meant what I said, “I am truly happy for you. It was about time.”
He smiled, “You are not the first to be telling me this little pup, but it is nice to hear it from you.”
For a long moment there was silence between us, comfortable and easy then I broke it by asking the one question Navaari had avoided answering the entire time I had been there.
“Why did your daughter not come to see you bound?” I didn’t think he would reply because before when I had tried to bring up the topic he had always shut me down as fast as he could. His daughter was a touchy subject at best but this time he surprised me.
“She disapproves.” He said simply, studying his pipe as though it had suddenly become a fascinating artifact.
I looked at him in surprise. “What? Why?”
“Under Chiss custom remarrying is seldom done. She feels I am dishonouring the spirit of my late wife, her mother. She did not wish to be a part of this. She is angry with me for what she feels is a breaking of trust.”
I sat back against the bench and let out an angry puff of air. “Well, that’s just dumb.”
He smiled at my reaction but the sadness in his eyes didn’t go away.
“What’s the real reason she didn’t come?” I pressed.
He shook his head and took a long draw from the pipe, the scent of the smoke permeated the air like a strange sweet perfume. “She wants nothing to do with her Dantassi life. She is ashamed of it. The Chiss view us as something to both fear, look down up on and ultimately ignore. We are a part of their past, their history they would rather forget. She has left her Dantassi past behind to become Chiss. Returning here reminds her of where she came from and she does not wish that.”
I frowned, “But you are her father.”
He nodded, “So I am but in the end sometimes the family you are born into is not the family you choose to be with.”
I leaned me head against his shoulder. “Well I think she’s stupid then.” I said tartly.
He chuckled a little and stroked my hair. “She has chosen her path just as you choose yours.”
“I don’t choose my path, Navaari, it chooses me. I just seem to go along for the ride.” I said with a large sigh.
“Psshht,” he answered back, letting me know he wasn’t buying my pat answer. “You choose everything you do, all in life is chosen.” He paused for a moment then said, “You need to go back to your mate, whether you are believing it or not he needs you, now more so than ever before.”
“I find that hard to believe.” I grumbled.
“Perhaps but it is the truth.” He said. “I would be happy forever if you chose to stay here and live as the Dantassi but your place is not here. I do not know what your future will bring but I do know that you and Nikätza’arth’pavjäska are two parts of a whole. When you are together you shine and when you are apart and fighting it is as though the sun has gone dark. You need to break from this stubbornness and return. He came to you when you needed him and now you must return that favour. He needs you, even if you do not believe this, even is he is not showing this. Do not let your pride and anger get the better of you. It will be something you regret for the rest of your life.”
I sighed. “Okay I get the message.”
He laughed and emptied his pipe. “Come back inside before An’jast’a has to come search for us, if she does it will not be a happy thing.”
We returned to the celebration and it went on for many more hours. I stayed until I could no longer keep my eyes open and An’jast’a shooed me to bed.
Two days later I took my leave of Navaari and the Dantassi once more and was on my way back to Nirauan with sand-jiggers in my belly at what sort of a reception I would find there. I needn’t have worried so much though because everyone on the base was so preoccupied with what Thrawn had done by winning his first major battle that my return was a very small thing in comparison with his finds.
It seemed strange to be back on Nirauan after such a long time away but my things were here, and for all intensive purposes it was home, or as close to a home as things got for me, if I didn’t count Hjal. I found myself at loose ends trying to acclimatise to both the planet’s time difference and climate. Time lag caught up with me after a while and I slept for nearly a day.
Once I felt more like a human being and less like a sun-doped jawa I began the process of catching up on all that I had missed during my time on Hjal. It was Voss Parck, thrilled to see me back safe and sound, who filled me in on all that had occurred in the time I had been away. As we sat in the quiet of the small private lounge which Thrawn reserved for private conversations, eating a light supper and drinking a very nice wine he told me how, once Thrawn had received the data from me, he had taken his fleet to Obroa-Skai and raided the great library’s archive computers. Not only had he been able to determine the location of Wayland, which did not surprise me, but he was also able to obtain a vast wealth of up to date information on the New Republic. There had been a skirmish over the planet when the New Republic’s assault force consisting mainly of frigates and three wings of X-wing fighters had shown up. Parck grinned as he recounted how Thrawn, using his keen knowledge of art had managed to bring about the attack force’s defeat. I just shook my head at his thought process. I had never known anyone else to use art as a tactical weapon before.
“After he was done there he went to Myrkr and then on to Wayland.” Parck said.
“Did he find it?” I asked, “Mount Tantis?”
“Oh yes.” Parck nodded, “He most certainly did, and we’ve been busy ever since.”
“Why is that?”
“He’s taken some of the technology he found there and he having it installed here, in one of the subbasements.”
I frowned. “He’s having cloning tanks installed here?”
Parck did not bother to hide his surprise. “You know about that?”
I shrugged. “I knew there was a cloning facility on Mount Tantis so what else could he have been after? Why is he growing clones here?”
Parck shrugged. “He did not say, I think he is trying to maybe experiment with the effects of the ysalamiri on clone growth but to be honest Merly, it’s all technology I can’t keep up with. Now the cloaking device… that’s another story.”
“Wait the what…ysalamiwhatsits?” I flapped my hand at him to back up a bit.
“Ysalamiri, some creature he found on Myrkr that repels the force.” Parck said looking at me with a frown, “He said you were the one who actually found them.”
I nodded, “Ah those things,” I said with a sigh. “I remember but I didn’t know their name.”
“He’s had them installed all over the Chimaera to keep his crazy Jedi master in line.”
“Crazy jedi master? What crazy jedi master?”
“Some really strange old man he found on Wayland, claims to be Jorus C’Boath but he’s actually a clone. He’s as mad as a sun crazed durni and as dangerous as a tusken raider. Seems he’s a jedi master and a pretty powerful one as well, anyway he’s on board the Chimaera helping Thrawn direct the flow of battles or some such nonsense.”
“Buggery sandrats I’ve been gone for just over a month and the whole galaxy has turned upside down.” I said wryly. “Well I guess that explains why he didn’t want me on board his flagship.”
“Yes,” Parck nodded. “He asked me to tell you to, and I quote, not even think about it.”
I laughed and sipped on my wine. “I have no desire to go near any crazy Jedi master, clone or not. Between the Emperor and Lord Vader I have had enough jedi-ness to last me a lifetime.” I said, “So what’s he doing now?”
“He’ll be arriving here in two days to take on supplies, sort some things out then he will continue what he has been doing.”
“And that is?”
“Showing the New Republic who is really in charge of the galaxy.”
I smiled. It was nice thought. I just hoped he knew what he was doing. “Two days?” I asked.
Parck nodded. “When I informed him you had arrived on the base he did tell me that I was to keep you here until he had a chance to speak with you.”
“Oh oh.”
“He mentioned to me that you and this Admiral Larsen had a little misunderstanding?”
“Oh that, well I left his ship without permission and he was a little annoyed, when he tried to pull me in with a tractor beam I micro jumped out of range, yeah he’s a bit pissed but there’s more to it than that.”
This time it was Voss Parck’s turn to smile, “With you, Merly, there usually is.”
What could I say, he was absolutely right. I sipped my wine with a smile while he began to fill me in on the news of what had been happening on the base all the time I was gone. I was grateful for his kind chatter it kept me from thinking about Thrawn’s arrival and all that it would bring. The last time I was with him things hadn’t exactly been cheerful.
During the feast I sat next to An’jast’a as was custom and she made certain I did not feel left out or lonely. She made sure that I was caught up on all the latest news and gossip that I had managed to somehow miss during the month I had been on Hjal. It was easy to avoid the gossip when Navaari was in charge of keeping me busy. Convinced that I was getting lax in my practice of tracking he had insisted on taking me out on long treks across the tundra to make sure my skills had not diminished any. I had been grateful for the distraction and happy to be under Navaari’s watchful guidance, learning from him was a treat. He had sensed my need to escape from Thrawn, from Ged and everything that had been happened. When I needed to talk he listened, when I wanted advice he gave it and when I needed a distraction he provided it in the form of hard work.
Once the feasting was done the great hall was cleared for the dancing. It was a huge thing and the Dantassi loved to party at every opportunity. I was convinced it had something to do with the endless amount of time they seemed to spend cooped up due to bad weather. Whatever the reason for the celebration it was usually an amazing event and normally I enjoyed it greatly but this time I found myself missing Thrawn more than ever. His presence failed and it made my heart ache. At some point late in the celebrations, once I managed to escape being swept into the dancing again, I slipped quietly out of the hall, picked up my warm clothes and went to the South Gate to sit out on the hanging bench that had been made for me by Kerrjan, one of Navaari’s closest friends. I had often come here when I wanted to be alone, when I had felt the walls of the enclave closing in on me or when Navaari and I had been fighting. It was Kerrjan’s clever solution to stop me from doing crazy things and to give him some peace and quite. Apparently, Navaari and I were very loud when we argued. I loved it here especially when it was such a beautiful night, still, cold with a crystal clear sky full of twinkling stars.
As I swung the bench back and forth with the tips of my feet I stared up at the sky I could not help but wonder where Thrawn was now and how his campaign was going. I had not heard from him in all the time I was here and now, after a month’s time, I wondered why I had been so angry at him and if he was still furious with me or if he had just decided I was no longer worth the hassle. I missed him greatly and I was deeply saddened that he had not come to see Navaari joined with An’jast’a. Bundled up in the warmth of my clothes, I was half dozing when I heard the outer door open. I let my senses talk to me and smiled, making room for Navaari to sit next to me.
“You should be celebrating.” I said as he tapped his pipe against the side of the chair to empty it.
“I could be saying the same for you.” He replied as he filled his pipe and lit it. “I just wanted to be sure you were not vanishing off into the night.”
I made a face, “You will never let me forget that will you?”
“Probably not.” He chuckled. “So what is on your mind that you had to be slipping away like a ghost?”
“Nothing really, I just needed some fresh air.” I said evasively.
Navaari smiled and took a deep draw on his pipe, making the tobacco glow. “You’ve been gone nearly two hours, that’s a lot of fresh air.” He said gently, “What is it?”
“He should be here for you!” I said crossly.
“He is busy fighting a war, Kycsi’i.” He said gently.
“I know but still….”
“I did not expect him to be here and neither should you. If you want to speak with him you should return to him and stop hiding here.”
I nodded, Navaari was right and we both knew it. “I was planning on returning to Nirauan in a day or so.” I said, “I thought it would be best if I was out of your hair when An’jast’a moved into your home.”
“You are never, as you are putting it, in my hair and it is your home as well, but An’jast’a will appreciate the gesture. She is a little worried about taking over your place in my life.”
I laughed, “She can’t do that.” I said, “We have different places in your heart and as long as I have a bed to sleep on when I come to see you I don’t care really. In fact I think she’ll do wonders for the place because while you may be the best tracker there is you know nothing about home décor.” I paused to look up at him to make sure he knew I meant what I said, “I am truly happy for you. It was about time.”
He smiled, “You are not the first to be telling me this little pup, but it is nice to hear it from you.”
For a long moment there was silence between us, comfortable and easy then I broke it by asking the one question Navaari had avoided answering the entire time I had been there.
“Why did your daughter not come to see you bound?” I didn’t think he would reply because before when I had tried to bring up the topic he had always shut me down as fast as he could. His daughter was a touchy subject at best but this time he surprised me.
“She disapproves.” He said simply, studying his pipe as though it had suddenly become a fascinating artifact.
I looked at him in surprise. “What? Why?”
“Under Chiss custom remarrying is seldom done. She feels I am dishonouring the spirit of my late wife, her mother. She did not wish to be a part of this. She is angry with me for what she feels is a breaking of trust.”
I sat back against the bench and let out an angry puff of air. “Well, that’s just dumb.”
He smiled at my reaction but the sadness in his eyes didn’t go away.
“What’s the real reason she didn’t come?” I pressed.
He shook his head and took a long draw from the pipe, the scent of the smoke permeated the air like a strange sweet perfume. “She wants nothing to do with her Dantassi life. She is ashamed of it. The Chiss view us as something to both fear, look down up on and ultimately ignore. We are a part of their past, their history they would rather forget. She has left her Dantassi past behind to become Chiss. Returning here reminds her of where she came from and she does not wish that.”
I frowned, “But you are her father.”
He nodded, “So I am but in the end sometimes the family you are born into is not the family you choose to be with.”
I leaned me head against his shoulder. “Well I think she’s stupid then.” I said tartly.
He chuckled a little and stroked my hair. “She has chosen her path just as you choose yours.”
“I don’t choose my path, Navaari, it chooses me. I just seem to go along for the ride.” I said with a large sigh.
“Psshht,” he answered back, letting me know he wasn’t buying my pat answer. “You choose everything you do, all in life is chosen.” He paused for a moment then said, “You need to go back to your mate, whether you are believing it or not he needs you, now more so than ever before.”
“I find that hard to believe.” I grumbled.
“Perhaps but it is the truth.” He said. “I would be happy forever if you chose to stay here and live as the Dantassi but your place is not here. I do not know what your future will bring but I do know that you and Nikätza’arth’pavjäska are two parts of a whole. When you are together you shine and when you are apart and fighting it is as though the sun has gone dark. You need to break from this stubbornness and return. He came to you when you needed him and now you must return that favour. He needs you, even if you do not believe this, even is he is not showing this. Do not let your pride and anger get the better of you. It will be something you regret for the rest of your life.”
I sighed. “Okay I get the message.”
He laughed and emptied his pipe. “Come back inside before An’jast’a has to come search for us, if she does it will not be a happy thing.”
We returned to the celebration and it went on for many more hours. I stayed until I could no longer keep my eyes open and An’jast’a shooed me to bed.
Two days later I took my leave of Navaari and the Dantassi once more and was on my way back to Nirauan with sand-jiggers in my belly at what sort of a reception I would find there. I needn’t have worried so much though because everyone on the base was so preoccupied with what Thrawn had done by winning his first major battle that my return was a very small thing in comparison with his finds.
It seemed strange to be back on Nirauan after such a long time away but my things were here, and for all intensive purposes it was home, or as close to a home as things got for me, if I didn’t count Hjal. I found myself at loose ends trying to acclimatise to both the planet’s time difference and climate. Time lag caught up with me after a while and I slept for nearly a day.
Once I felt more like a human being and less like a sun-doped jawa I began the process of catching up on all that I had missed during my time on Hjal. It was Voss Parck, thrilled to see me back safe and sound, who filled me in on all that had occurred in the time I had been away. As we sat in the quiet of the small private lounge which Thrawn reserved for private conversations, eating a light supper and drinking a very nice wine he told me how, once Thrawn had received the data from me, he had taken his fleet to Obroa-Skai and raided the great library’s archive computers. Not only had he been able to determine the location of Wayland, which did not surprise me, but he was also able to obtain a vast wealth of up to date information on the New Republic. There had been a skirmish over the planet when the New Republic’s assault force consisting mainly of frigates and three wings of X-wing fighters had shown up. Parck grinned as he recounted how Thrawn, using his keen knowledge of art had managed to bring about the attack force’s defeat. I just shook my head at his thought process. I had never known anyone else to use art as a tactical weapon before.
“After he was done there he went to Myrkr and then on to Wayland.” Parck said.
“Did he find it?” I asked, “Mount Tantis?”
“Oh yes.” Parck nodded, “He most certainly did, and we’ve been busy ever since.”
“Why is that?”
“He’s taken some of the technology he found there and he having it installed here, in one of the subbasements.”
I frowned. “He’s having cloning tanks installed here?”
Parck did not bother to hide his surprise. “You know about that?”
I shrugged. “I knew there was a cloning facility on Mount Tantis so what else could he have been after? Why is he growing clones here?”
Parck shrugged. “He did not say, I think he is trying to maybe experiment with the effects of the ysalamiri on clone growth but to be honest Merly, it’s all technology I can’t keep up with. Now the cloaking device… that’s another story.”
“Wait the what…ysalamiwhatsits?” I flapped my hand at him to back up a bit.
“Ysalamiri, some creature he found on Myrkr that repels the force.” Parck said looking at me with a frown, “He said you were the one who actually found them.”
I nodded, “Ah those things,” I said with a sigh. “I remember but I didn’t know their name.”
“He’s had them installed all over the Chimaera to keep his crazy Jedi master in line.”
“Crazy jedi master? What crazy jedi master?”
“Some really strange old man he found on Wayland, claims to be Jorus C’Boath but he’s actually a clone. He’s as mad as a sun crazed durni and as dangerous as a tusken raider. Seems he’s a jedi master and a pretty powerful one as well, anyway he’s on board the Chimaera helping Thrawn direct the flow of battles or some such nonsense.”
“Buggery sandrats I’ve been gone for just over a month and the whole galaxy has turned upside down.” I said wryly. “Well I guess that explains why he didn’t want me on board his flagship.”
“Yes,” Parck nodded. “He asked me to tell you to, and I quote, not even think about it.”
I laughed and sipped on my wine. “I have no desire to go near any crazy Jedi master, clone or not. Between the Emperor and Lord Vader I have had enough jedi-ness to last me a lifetime.” I said, “So what’s he doing now?”
“He’ll be arriving here in two days to take on supplies, sort some things out then he will continue what he has been doing.”
“And that is?”
“Showing the New Republic who is really in charge of the galaxy.”
I smiled. It was nice thought. I just hoped he knew what he was doing. “Two days?” I asked.
Parck nodded. “When I informed him you had arrived on the base he did tell me that I was to keep you here until he had a chance to speak with you.”
“Oh oh.”
“He mentioned to me that you and this Admiral Larsen had a little misunderstanding?”
“Oh that, well I left his ship without permission and he was a little annoyed, when he tried to pull me in with a tractor beam I micro jumped out of range, yeah he’s a bit pissed but there’s more to it than that.”
This time it was Voss Parck’s turn to smile, “With you, Merly, there usually is.”
What could I say, he was absolutely right. I sipped my wine with a smile while he began to fill me in on the news of what had been happening on the base all the time I was gone. I was grateful for his kind chatter it kept me from thinking about Thrawn’s arrival and all that it would bring. The last time I was with him things hadn’t exactly been cheerful.
12/04/2009
The delicate Lie 5
I don’t know how long I sat on the floor of my room shaking from the aftermath of our insanity but eventually I got cold. To warm up again I showered, staying under the scalding water for a long time as if it could take away some of the sting of what had happened but it didn’t. At some point during my shower I made up my mind what to do next, knowing no one would like it but I didn’t much give a damn.
I dressed in comfortable, easy to move in clothes and then I sliced into the main system using old but still valid override codes from my time with Lord Vader. I was a little surprised that they still worked but didn’t question my luck, and managed to download everything I would need without tripping any noticeable alarms. Then I packed everything I owned, which wasn’t much, in a carry-all bag that was slung over my shoulder as I slipped out of my quarters. I thought I had managed to escape notice when I heard someone yell my name.
“Miss Gabriel!” A young voice shouted as I stalked down the corridor towards the small hanger where my ship was. “Miss Gabriel please…wait…I have a message for you from the Grand Admiral….”
I didn’t stop and the young messenger had to run to catch up with me, waving what looked like an envelope in his hand. “Miss, he requested that I give ….” He started, holding out the envelope.
I flapped my hand abruptly at him in a Shut Up Right Now manner and he shut up instantly. “Let Admiral Larsen deal with it or better yet tell the Grand Admiral to shove it up his….” The young man’s eyes widened significantly and I shook my head, biting off the comment on the tip of my tongue, “Oh never mind! Tell the Grand Admiral that what ever it is he has to say to me can wait until I return!” I snapped and kept on walking leaving a very flustered young man who could only stare at me still holding the hand written note in his hand. I was known for many things but being outright rude, up until now, had not been one of them. A tiny part of me felt bad, the rest of me just didn’t care. No one else followed me, or came after me and by the time I had made it to the hanger bay where my ship was the Virulent was on battle alert. Another battle drill but this time I was not only awake for it, I welcomed it.
I wondered, as I sat in the pilot’s seat of my ship and started the engine, if Thrawn and I would ever learn. I wondered if I would ever learn. As I watched all the onboard lights go green I shook my head, probably not, I thought. I seemed doomed to make the same mistakes over and over again. I punched in an access code and the hanger bay shield dropped. I styled the Ahnkeli’Su’udelma out of the hanger and slipped out into space.
It took whoever was in charge of flight ops on the Virulent approximately three minutes to figure out what I was doing and alert the Admiral, a few seconds later I heard Ged’s voice over the comm. asking me what the hell I thought I was up to. I ignored him. When Ged got tired of the radio silence he threatened to use a tractor beam, waiting to see if that would stir me out of my disobedience, it didn’t. When I saw the telltale spike of the Virulent’s tractor beam powering up I just smiled, set my co- ordinates and then I micro jumped just out of its range, one of the more useful tricks which I had learned from Thrawn. The comm. crackled to life again and a very annoyed sounding Ged Larsen threatened me with everything from court martial to execution if I didn’t get my ass back on board this very minute. I ignored him some more because I just didn’t want to speak to him at all and since I blamed him for the current mess it seemed appropriate to lump him in with the same black hole of frustration I had stuck Thrawn. As far as I was concerned both men could go to all nine Corellian hells and stay there. I had work to do. I sighed and stared at the co ordinates I had put into the nav computer, watching the countdown to the jump tick off too slowly. I let out the breath I had been holding when the stars elongated sweeping me into the hyperspace lane and as far away from both Ged and Thrawn as was possible.
As the Ahnkeli’Su’udelma slipped into hyperspace I knew a subtle sense of relief and even though I understood I was running away from the problem at hand but I didn’t care. I was, I thought to myself, quite good at running away, but then again so was Thrawn he just did it under the guise of having to save the galaxy. I sighed; there is nothing more powerful than wounded pride compounded by guilt and anger. No wonder I thought as I unstrapped myself from the cockpit to go to the galley and make some tea, that Lord Vader had turned to the Dark Side. Being in a relationship was enough to drive anyone around the bend.
It took me nearly two days to travel to Obroa-Skai and as I requested landing permission from Planetary Flight Control I wondered why it was I kept ending up on planets that were mainly cold and snowy, it was as if the universe really hated me. From above I could see the white of the snows that covered a great deal of the planet and for a moment I was sharply reminded of Navaari and Hjal. Everything had seemed so peaceful there, so uncomplicated.
“Ahnkeli’Su’udelma, you are cleared for landing bay two-nine-aurek,” A very bored sounding controller droned, breaking into my thoughts, “please observe the rules and see the dock-master upon arrival, OSPFC out.”
“Roger that, flight.” I answered and took my ship in to land.
There had been no trouble with getting a landing permit, I was a civilian with a civilian ship and Obroa-Skai was a neutral world and by all accounts quite beautiful. It was a mix of tundras, deserts, grasslands and mountains with a standard day of twenty-six hours. It was also home to what was probably the largest repository of galactic information known to all, with maybe the exception of what ever the Emperor had managed to squirrel away on Wayland. The planet had remained neutral throughout the entire Galactic Civil War, which was quite a feat given how valuable the information the great libraries held was. I had read that the New Republic had petitioned the Obroans heavily to get them to join them but so far the Obroans had not done so, preferring their neutral status for the time being.
I was grateful that the way from the large docking bay to the main library was all through covered walkways, and while I was certain that the planet was beautiful and worth exploring I didn’t have the time to do so. I may have been angry with Thrawn but I could still do the job he had given me, besides it would satisfy my own curiosity as well.
The great library was stunning. Built to reflect the peaceful nature of the Obroan culture, it arched tall and serene above everything else. When I stepped through the main doors I was astonished at how the natural lighting of the world I was on played around the grand hall. It was like watching light dance and for reasons I could never explain it reminded me sharply of home, though I wasn’t exactly sure which home that was. I sighed and went to find the main desk. I had half expected to meet some sort of resistance when I went into the main building but there had been no visible security measures at all and after living for so long under strict security rules it felt weird to come and go freely.
With a sigh I stopped looking around and went to what looked like the main information area and spoke to the young female Obroan who was seated there.
“You’ll need to fill out these forms and apply for an access card and code.” She told me when I asked about getting into the main library for information. I took the forms she handed me and filled them out quickly. She scanned through them and nodded, added the information to the computer and then a few moments later handed me an access card. “This will grant you access to all open areas of the system,” she said, “If you are looking for rare material then you will need a temporary pass.”
I thanked her and took the slim duraplast card from her fingers. She must have seen something of the “how do I find what I need” look on my face because then she asked, “Are you looking for anything specific?” The librarian at the information desk asked.
I thought about it for a second and then smiled. “Yes, I am looking for information about a planet in the Ojoster Sector called Wayland.”
The young Obroan typed something into her terminal and then a few seconds later handed me a small chit. “You’ll need this access code to get the information you need, go to terminal Senth, in the planetary map hall. There isn’t a great deal known about the world but we do have some information on store.” She smiled and then as an afterthought added, “Is there something of interest on that planet?” she asked, “I have a note here which states the late emperor tried to get us to delete all information pertaining to Wayland from the data banks.”
I raised both eyebrows, “Really, how strange. I am just doing a research project for some surveyors, you know how it goes, they don’t tell me anything just want someone to get the information for them.” I sighed and made out like an exasperated assistant.
“Typical, no one ever wants to do their own research.” She commiserated, “Well good luck, if you need anything else, let me know, I am here until twenty-four hundred hours.”
I thanked her and then went in search of terminal Senth in the planetary map hall.
She had been right, there wasn’t much information about Wayland but the most vital thing was, its location. I stared at this for a long time and then, after copying what I needed onto a data-chip, I left the library feeling like a ghost and made my way back to my ship. Once I had paid the Dock Master and left the confines of the planet’s gravity well, I locked in my next set of co-ordinates to the nav computer and watched as once again the stars exploded into the hyperspace-lane. Thrawn would probably be annoyed that I didn’t return directly to give him the information he had asked me to gather but I didn’t much care. I needed to go someplace quiet, some place where I could think. Not for the first time did I wish my father was still alive, I wanted his advice, his comfort but he was gone and Tatooine no longer seemed like I place I belonged to so instead I found myself headed towards the only other place I had ever really called home and the one person I knew I could trust to hear me out without judging me and who could send the information I had gathered to Thrawn without any issues.
By the time I reached Hjal I was exhausted. The journey from the inner ring to the tingle arm took nearly four days and I did not slept well all during that time. Nightmares plagued me, especially the ones which somehow managed to feature both Thrawn and Wayland together. I should have just returned to the fleet and handed over the information to Thrawn but I was still angry at him and I needed a way to send the data I had found securely without having to go back.
Navaari was waiting for me as he said he would be, and after a hug I thought would crush all my bones he gestured for me to straddle the sled so we could head back to the enclave. We didn’t speak, it was far too cold, and by the time we arrived I was half asleep. He nudged me awake and told me to go inside, get changed and warm up, once he had finished with the hounds and the sled he’d come and join me.
By the time he was done I had showered, dressed in clean, warm, comfortable and was sitting on the couch holding a very large glass of the brandy I had brought with me. Thrawn was right; I drank when I didn’t want to face what ever issues were in front of me. As I sat there waiting for Navaari I realised Thrawn was right about a lot of things but he was also wrong as well, he just didn’t like this being pointed out to him. I watched Navaari come in, strip off his warm gear then sit beside me on the couch. There was a long silent pause while we summed each other up and then he spoke.
“So, little pup, you want to be telling me your side of it?” He asked, letting me know that he had already heard Thrawn’s.
I made a face. “He knew I’d come here.” I said flatly, wondering how Thrawn could have known what I was going to do even before I did.
Navaari shrugged. “He mentioned you might be showing up, though not for the reasons I was thinking.”
“What exactly did he tell you?”
“That you had an argument and it was not very pretty. That it was having to do with another man.” Navaari was careful to keep his voice neutral.
I sighed and then because there would be no peace until I had done so, I told him the whole story, every bit of it, without exaggeration, hysterics or tears and he listened without interruption.
There was a long silence after I had finished and then he asked, “Do you like this other man, this Larsen?”
“Yes, but not in the way Za’ar thinks.” I said with a nod. “Ged is a good man, smart, funny and a loyal Imperial but I think we’re like fire and oil. A little of both is wonderful but too much and it’s utterly consuming. What would start out as a sweet little romance would end very badly, we’re too much alike in too many ways. I’d rather keep him as a friend than have a short, torrid affair with him at the risk of ruining everything else. I think he would have also figured this out sooner or later, he’s not a stupid man but like most men he has to push, you know, to see how far he can get.” I shrugged a little, “And sex is sex no matter what name you slap on it, it’s often the logical conclusion to a chase….”
“So you came here before that happened?”
I nodded, “It’s tempting, you know, just a little.” I sighed.
“So is walking out in a storm, but that is not making it a good idea.” Navaari chided.
“I know, but just because I felt something, some spark doesn’t mean I am willing to throw the last ten years away for a fling. I’m silly and impetuous but not utterly stupid. I needed time to think before things got out of hand. He kissed me and I liked it but…. ” I shrugged not knowing how to finish. I had thought long and hard about everything that had happened while on the flight to Hjal and come to the conclusion that while a fling with Ged would probably be fun, exciting and sweet that he was also a career officer and he did not want a wife or a girlfriend, at least not in me at any rate. I was interesting to him but once he had bedded me that interest would grow cold pretty quickly.
“It is easy to let the physical take over.” Navaari nodded. “I am understanding this perhaps better than you might be thinking.”
I just smiled. “Well then you know why I needed time away. I don’t want to have an affair with anyone other than Za’ar. It’s nice to know that someone else finds me attractive but that doesn’t mean I have to or will fall for him instantly does it?”
“And why did you not tell Nikätza’arth’pavjäska this?” Navaari asked with a nod.
“I tried,” I made a face, “but you know how well he listens when his mind is already made up. He saw a bunch of misleading clues and put them all together to come up with the wrong conclusion. Za’ar…well he’s sometimes just too damned smart for his own good or maybe it’s just that I am terrible at hiding how I feel from him. He read my guilt and he thought he was right because he always thinks he’s right. He did not give me much of a chance to explain anything and then when Ged showed up with a bottle of wine and high hopes, well that just made an even bigger mess.” I sighed, “Why is it that men always assume the absolute worst?”
Navaari smiled, “Because underneath the bravado and arrogance we are all being terrified that females will see right through us and discover our every flaw, then leave us because of this. Nikätza’arth’pavjäska pushed because he was letting his fear of losing you get in the way of his ability to think clearly, you do seem to be having a way of doing that to him. No wonder he is never thinking clearly when it comes to you.” He said.
“Well, you know what, that’s his problem and not mine.” I retorted tartly.
“Aye, so it is. He does have his hands full with you and he is not knowing what to do about this some days.” Navaari teased and let the matter drop for the moment.
“I need you to send him this.” I dug out the second data chip from my bag, the one I had made after my trip to Obroa-Skai.
“What is it?”
“Information he asked me to obtain for him.”
“You should take it to him yourself, pup.”
I shrugged. “I need some space, Navaari. He’s so wound up about this campaign he’s on that I feel as though I am either in his way or simply there on demand for him when he needs to let off steam. I’m tired of it. He doesn’t want me to step foot onboard the Chimaera for some reason he won’t explain. I was on Ged’s ship in the first place because he wanted me safe, or so he said but now I wonder if he wasn’t trying to set something up so we could have this fight and he could end this relationship. I’m tired of the secrecy and everything else and maybe he was right, maybe I want too much from him and maybe things between us are just not going to work out.”
“Rubbish child!” He snorted as he took the little chip from my fingers. “After all he has done to be able to have you as close to him as is possible, how can you be believing such a thing?”
I made a face. “It’s easy when he acts like a complete idiot. There are moments when I think it would be so easy to just walk away….” I said with a sigh.
“Do you still love him?” Navaari asked suddenly.
I looked him straight in the eyes. “How can you even ask that?” I said sadly. “Some days I think if I could love him more than I already do I’ll explode from the weight of it.” I replied, then added, “But sometimes that’s not enough and sometimes it’s just too much.” I swirled my drink around my glass and sighed.
I wasn’t sure I was making sense but Navaari nodded and looked at the data chip in his hand. “I’ll send this now, that way if there’s an answer it will arrive sooner rather than later. What is on this anyway?”
“An access code which will give him the ability to data mine for the whereabouts of a planet he’s looking for.” I didn’t tell Navaari I already knew where this planet was, I didn’t think he would like that all that much and I certainly didn’t want him to tell Thrawn.
He nodded and vanished. He always knew how to get in touch with Thrawn, it was a Dantassi thing. I finished my drink and poured some more. For the first time in a long time I felt the terrible tension that had somehow managed to creep into my daily life dissipate. I leaned back and closed my eyes, and was almost asleep when Navaari returned.
“You are exhausted little one, you should get some rest.”
I smiled. “Was there an answer?” I asked.
“He asked me to be telling you that he is grateful for your help and glad to hear you are safe.” Navaari said sitting beside me. “He indicated that perhaps it would be good for you to remain here for a while.”
I smiled and shook my head. “He wants me out of the way while he goes to find Wayland.” I said a little crossly.
“Can you be blaming him?”
“No.” I agreed. “I promised him I would stay away from that place.”
“Yes, but he also knows you.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“He knows that your curiosity often outweighs your common sense.” Navaari said, “He also thought you should know that Ged Larsen is particularly angry with you for leaving his ship in the way you did. His words were ‘she will be required to apologise for the breech of decorum when she returns to the Virulent.’”
I rolled my eyes. “Men and their wounded pride.” I said, “Well I’m not going back for a while, so he will have to wait for his apology.”
Navaari laughed. “Well, pup, you are welcome to stay here as long as you want, this is your home and I am more than happy to be having you to myself for a while.”
I nodded. “I’d like that, Pa’tjad’cu-sja.” I said leaning against his shoulder. “Things always seem so much clearer when I am here.”
“That is because this is your home.” He told me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. “Besides you will not be going any place for awhile anyway, there is a large storm laying in from the North so you will be grounded for a few days.”
“I can live with that.” I said with a yawn. “So tell me, how are things with you and An’jast’a.”
“You have not yet heard?” He asked, surprised, “I sent word; you should have received it before you left.”
“Heard what?” I grumbled wondering in that had something to do with the envelope the young officer was trying to give me before I fled the Virulent.
He chuckled, “Are you wishing to see us bound?”
I turned my head to look at him. “What?”
“I have asked her and she has said yes, this was last week. I sent you a message but then you arrived here without knowing so I am thinking the message missed you.”
“You and An’jast’a will perform the Nai’da?” I asked not even bothering to hide my delight.
“Yes, in one month from tomorrow. If you are wanting to stay this long?”
I flung my arms around him. “Oh Navaari, of course I’ll stay for that, are you crazy? Will An’jast’a mind?”
“Mind? No, Kycsi’i she will be delighted, you are as a child to me, you are family. If you would like to, you can stand for me.”
I opened my mouth and then closed it again, “But…your daughter, will she not stand for you?”
He shook his head, “She is unable to attend.” He said in a tone of voice that told me he did not want to speak about what ever had passed between them just yet.
“I will be honoured to stand for you Pa’tjad’cu-sja.” I told him quietly, meaning every word.
He smiled, “Then it is Da’han’s fortune that brings you here.”
“No, it was a rather nasty argument with Za’ar that brings me here.” I said wryly.
“Then Da’han is working in mysterious ways, Kycsi’i.” He said.
I couldn’t argue with that and I was happy to have a good reason to stay here. I snuggled into his warmth and let my exhaustion take over. He let me doze for a little while and then, before I completely fell asleep, he sent me to bed and for once I didn’t dream, or if I did they were not unkind dreams. I had a month’s grace to find some peace and I wasn’t going to waste it.
I dressed in comfortable, easy to move in clothes and then I sliced into the main system using old but still valid override codes from my time with Lord Vader. I was a little surprised that they still worked but didn’t question my luck, and managed to download everything I would need without tripping any noticeable alarms. Then I packed everything I owned, which wasn’t much, in a carry-all bag that was slung over my shoulder as I slipped out of my quarters. I thought I had managed to escape notice when I heard someone yell my name.
“Miss Gabriel!” A young voice shouted as I stalked down the corridor towards the small hanger where my ship was. “Miss Gabriel please…wait…I have a message for you from the Grand Admiral….”
I didn’t stop and the young messenger had to run to catch up with me, waving what looked like an envelope in his hand. “Miss, he requested that I give ….” He started, holding out the envelope.
I flapped my hand abruptly at him in a Shut Up Right Now manner and he shut up instantly. “Let Admiral Larsen deal with it or better yet tell the Grand Admiral to shove it up his….” The young man’s eyes widened significantly and I shook my head, biting off the comment on the tip of my tongue, “Oh never mind! Tell the Grand Admiral that what ever it is he has to say to me can wait until I return!” I snapped and kept on walking leaving a very flustered young man who could only stare at me still holding the hand written note in his hand. I was known for many things but being outright rude, up until now, had not been one of them. A tiny part of me felt bad, the rest of me just didn’t care. No one else followed me, or came after me and by the time I had made it to the hanger bay where my ship was the Virulent was on battle alert. Another battle drill but this time I was not only awake for it, I welcomed it.
I wondered, as I sat in the pilot’s seat of my ship and started the engine, if Thrawn and I would ever learn. I wondered if I would ever learn. As I watched all the onboard lights go green I shook my head, probably not, I thought. I seemed doomed to make the same mistakes over and over again. I punched in an access code and the hanger bay shield dropped. I styled the Ahnkeli’Su’udelma out of the hanger and slipped out into space.
It took whoever was in charge of flight ops on the Virulent approximately three minutes to figure out what I was doing and alert the Admiral, a few seconds later I heard Ged’s voice over the comm. asking me what the hell I thought I was up to. I ignored him. When Ged got tired of the radio silence he threatened to use a tractor beam, waiting to see if that would stir me out of my disobedience, it didn’t. When I saw the telltale spike of the Virulent’s tractor beam powering up I just smiled, set my co- ordinates and then I micro jumped just out of its range, one of the more useful tricks which I had learned from Thrawn. The comm. crackled to life again and a very annoyed sounding Ged Larsen threatened me with everything from court martial to execution if I didn’t get my ass back on board this very minute. I ignored him some more because I just didn’t want to speak to him at all and since I blamed him for the current mess it seemed appropriate to lump him in with the same black hole of frustration I had stuck Thrawn. As far as I was concerned both men could go to all nine Corellian hells and stay there. I had work to do. I sighed and stared at the co ordinates I had put into the nav computer, watching the countdown to the jump tick off too slowly. I let out the breath I had been holding when the stars elongated sweeping me into the hyperspace lane and as far away from both Ged and Thrawn as was possible.
As the Ahnkeli’Su’udelma slipped into hyperspace I knew a subtle sense of relief and even though I understood I was running away from the problem at hand but I didn’t care. I was, I thought to myself, quite good at running away, but then again so was Thrawn he just did it under the guise of having to save the galaxy. I sighed; there is nothing more powerful than wounded pride compounded by guilt and anger. No wonder I thought as I unstrapped myself from the cockpit to go to the galley and make some tea, that Lord Vader had turned to the Dark Side. Being in a relationship was enough to drive anyone around the bend.
It took me nearly two days to travel to Obroa-Skai and as I requested landing permission from Planetary Flight Control I wondered why it was I kept ending up on planets that were mainly cold and snowy, it was as if the universe really hated me. From above I could see the white of the snows that covered a great deal of the planet and for a moment I was sharply reminded of Navaari and Hjal. Everything had seemed so peaceful there, so uncomplicated.
“Ahnkeli’Su’udelma, you are cleared for landing bay two-nine-aurek,” A very bored sounding controller droned, breaking into my thoughts, “please observe the rules and see the dock-master upon arrival, OSPFC out.”
“Roger that, flight.” I answered and took my ship in to land.
There had been no trouble with getting a landing permit, I was a civilian with a civilian ship and Obroa-Skai was a neutral world and by all accounts quite beautiful. It was a mix of tundras, deserts, grasslands and mountains with a standard day of twenty-six hours. It was also home to what was probably the largest repository of galactic information known to all, with maybe the exception of what ever the Emperor had managed to squirrel away on Wayland. The planet had remained neutral throughout the entire Galactic Civil War, which was quite a feat given how valuable the information the great libraries held was. I had read that the New Republic had petitioned the Obroans heavily to get them to join them but so far the Obroans had not done so, preferring their neutral status for the time being.
I was grateful that the way from the large docking bay to the main library was all through covered walkways, and while I was certain that the planet was beautiful and worth exploring I didn’t have the time to do so. I may have been angry with Thrawn but I could still do the job he had given me, besides it would satisfy my own curiosity as well.
The great library was stunning. Built to reflect the peaceful nature of the Obroan culture, it arched tall and serene above everything else. When I stepped through the main doors I was astonished at how the natural lighting of the world I was on played around the grand hall. It was like watching light dance and for reasons I could never explain it reminded me sharply of home, though I wasn’t exactly sure which home that was. I sighed and went to find the main desk. I had half expected to meet some sort of resistance when I went into the main building but there had been no visible security measures at all and after living for so long under strict security rules it felt weird to come and go freely.
With a sigh I stopped looking around and went to what looked like the main information area and spoke to the young female Obroan who was seated there.
“You’ll need to fill out these forms and apply for an access card and code.” She told me when I asked about getting into the main library for information. I took the forms she handed me and filled them out quickly. She scanned through them and nodded, added the information to the computer and then a few moments later handed me an access card. “This will grant you access to all open areas of the system,” she said, “If you are looking for rare material then you will need a temporary pass.”
I thanked her and took the slim duraplast card from her fingers. She must have seen something of the “how do I find what I need” look on my face because then she asked, “Are you looking for anything specific?” The librarian at the information desk asked.
I thought about it for a second and then smiled. “Yes, I am looking for information about a planet in the Ojoster Sector called Wayland.”
The young Obroan typed something into her terminal and then a few seconds later handed me a small chit. “You’ll need this access code to get the information you need, go to terminal Senth, in the planetary map hall. There isn’t a great deal known about the world but we do have some information on store.” She smiled and then as an afterthought added, “Is there something of interest on that planet?” she asked, “I have a note here which states the late emperor tried to get us to delete all information pertaining to Wayland from the data banks.”
I raised both eyebrows, “Really, how strange. I am just doing a research project for some surveyors, you know how it goes, they don’t tell me anything just want someone to get the information for them.” I sighed and made out like an exasperated assistant.
“Typical, no one ever wants to do their own research.” She commiserated, “Well good luck, if you need anything else, let me know, I am here until twenty-four hundred hours.”
I thanked her and then went in search of terminal Senth in the planetary map hall.
She had been right, there wasn’t much information about Wayland but the most vital thing was, its location. I stared at this for a long time and then, after copying what I needed onto a data-chip, I left the library feeling like a ghost and made my way back to my ship. Once I had paid the Dock Master and left the confines of the planet’s gravity well, I locked in my next set of co-ordinates to the nav computer and watched as once again the stars exploded into the hyperspace-lane. Thrawn would probably be annoyed that I didn’t return directly to give him the information he had asked me to gather but I didn’t much care. I needed to go someplace quiet, some place where I could think. Not for the first time did I wish my father was still alive, I wanted his advice, his comfort but he was gone and Tatooine no longer seemed like I place I belonged to so instead I found myself headed towards the only other place I had ever really called home and the one person I knew I could trust to hear me out without judging me and who could send the information I had gathered to Thrawn without any issues.
By the time I reached Hjal I was exhausted. The journey from the inner ring to the tingle arm took nearly four days and I did not slept well all during that time. Nightmares plagued me, especially the ones which somehow managed to feature both Thrawn and Wayland together. I should have just returned to the fleet and handed over the information to Thrawn but I was still angry at him and I needed a way to send the data I had found securely without having to go back.
Navaari was waiting for me as he said he would be, and after a hug I thought would crush all my bones he gestured for me to straddle the sled so we could head back to the enclave. We didn’t speak, it was far too cold, and by the time we arrived I was half asleep. He nudged me awake and told me to go inside, get changed and warm up, once he had finished with the hounds and the sled he’d come and join me.
By the time he was done I had showered, dressed in clean, warm, comfortable and was sitting on the couch holding a very large glass of the brandy I had brought with me. Thrawn was right; I drank when I didn’t want to face what ever issues were in front of me. As I sat there waiting for Navaari I realised Thrawn was right about a lot of things but he was also wrong as well, he just didn’t like this being pointed out to him. I watched Navaari come in, strip off his warm gear then sit beside me on the couch. There was a long silent pause while we summed each other up and then he spoke.
“So, little pup, you want to be telling me your side of it?” He asked, letting me know that he had already heard Thrawn’s.
I made a face. “He knew I’d come here.” I said flatly, wondering how Thrawn could have known what I was going to do even before I did.
Navaari shrugged. “He mentioned you might be showing up, though not for the reasons I was thinking.”
“What exactly did he tell you?”
“That you had an argument and it was not very pretty. That it was having to do with another man.” Navaari was careful to keep his voice neutral.
I sighed and then because there would be no peace until I had done so, I told him the whole story, every bit of it, without exaggeration, hysterics or tears and he listened without interruption.
There was a long silence after I had finished and then he asked, “Do you like this other man, this Larsen?”
“Yes, but not in the way Za’ar thinks.” I said with a nod. “Ged is a good man, smart, funny and a loyal Imperial but I think we’re like fire and oil. A little of both is wonderful but too much and it’s utterly consuming. What would start out as a sweet little romance would end very badly, we’re too much alike in too many ways. I’d rather keep him as a friend than have a short, torrid affair with him at the risk of ruining everything else. I think he would have also figured this out sooner or later, he’s not a stupid man but like most men he has to push, you know, to see how far he can get.” I shrugged a little, “And sex is sex no matter what name you slap on it, it’s often the logical conclusion to a chase….”
“So you came here before that happened?”
I nodded, “It’s tempting, you know, just a little.” I sighed.
“So is walking out in a storm, but that is not making it a good idea.” Navaari chided.
“I know, but just because I felt something, some spark doesn’t mean I am willing to throw the last ten years away for a fling. I’m silly and impetuous but not utterly stupid. I needed time to think before things got out of hand. He kissed me and I liked it but…. ” I shrugged not knowing how to finish. I had thought long and hard about everything that had happened while on the flight to Hjal and come to the conclusion that while a fling with Ged would probably be fun, exciting and sweet that he was also a career officer and he did not want a wife or a girlfriend, at least not in me at any rate. I was interesting to him but once he had bedded me that interest would grow cold pretty quickly.
“It is easy to let the physical take over.” Navaari nodded. “I am understanding this perhaps better than you might be thinking.”
I just smiled. “Well then you know why I needed time away. I don’t want to have an affair with anyone other than Za’ar. It’s nice to know that someone else finds me attractive but that doesn’t mean I have to or will fall for him instantly does it?”
“And why did you not tell Nikätza’arth’pavjäska this?” Navaari asked with a nod.
“I tried,” I made a face, “but you know how well he listens when his mind is already made up. He saw a bunch of misleading clues and put them all together to come up with the wrong conclusion. Za’ar…well he’s sometimes just too damned smart for his own good or maybe it’s just that I am terrible at hiding how I feel from him. He read my guilt and he thought he was right because he always thinks he’s right. He did not give me much of a chance to explain anything and then when Ged showed up with a bottle of wine and high hopes, well that just made an even bigger mess.” I sighed, “Why is it that men always assume the absolute worst?”
Navaari smiled, “Because underneath the bravado and arrogance we are all being terrified that females will see right through us and discover our every flaw, then leave us because of this. Nikätza’arth’pavjäska pushed because he was letting his fear of losing you get in the way of his ability to think clearly, you do seem to be having a way of doing that to him. No wonder he is never thinking clearly when it comes to you.” He said.
“Well, you know what, that’s his problem and not mine.” I retorted tartly.
“Aye, so it is. He does have his hands full with you and he is not knowing what to do about this some days.” Navaari teased and let the matter drop for the moment.
“I need you to send him this.” I dug out the second data chip from my bag, the one I had made after my trip to Obroa-Skai.
“What is it?”
“Information he asked me to obtain for him.”
“You should take it to him yourself, pup.”
I shrugged. “I need some space, Navaari. He’s so wound up about this campaign he’s on that I feel as though I am either in his way or simply there on demand for him when he needs to let off steam. I’m tired of it. He doesn’t want me to step foot onboard the Chimaera for some reason he won’t explain. I was on Ged’s ship in the first place because he wanted me safe, or so he said but now I wonder if he wasn’t trying to set something up so we could have this fight and he could end this relationship. I’m tired of the secrecy and everything else and maybe he was right, maybe I want too much from him and maybe things between us are just not going to work out.”
“Rubbish child!” He snorted as he took the little chip from my fingers. “After all he has done to be able to have you as close to him as is possible, how can you be believing such a thing?”
I made a face. “It’s easy when he acts like a complete idiot. There are moments when I think it would be so easy to just walk away….” I said with a sigh.
“Do you still love him?” Navaari asked suddenly.
I looked him straight in the eyes. “How can you even ask that?” I said sadly. “Some days I think if I could love him more than I already do I’ll explode from the weight of it.” I replied, then added, “But sometimes that’s not enough and sometimes it’s just too much.” I swirled my drink around my glass and sighed.
I wasn’t sure I was making sense but Navaari nodded and looked at the data chip in his hand. “I’ll send this now, that way if there’s an answer it will arrive sooner rather than later. What is on this anyway?”
“An access code which will give him the ability to data mine for the whereabouts of a planet he’s looking for.” I didn’t tell Navaari I already knew where this planet was, I didn’t think he would like that all that much and I certainly didn’t want him to tell Thrawn.
He nodded and vanished. He always knew how to get in touch with Thrawn, it was a Dantassi thing. I finished my drink and poured some more. For the first time in a long time I felt the terrible tension that had somehow managed to creep into my daily life dissipate. I leaned back and closed my eyes, and was almost asleep when Navaari returned.
“You are exhausted little one, you should get some rest.”
I smiled. “Was there an answer?” I asked.
“He asked me to be telling you that he is grateful for your help and glad to hear you are safe.” Navaari said sitting beside me. “He indicated that perhaps it would be good for you to remain here for a while.”
I smiled and shook my head. “He wants me out of the way while he goes to find Wayland.” I said a little crossly.
“Can you be blaming him?”
“No.” I agreed. “I promised him I would stay away from that place.”
“Yes, but he also knows you.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“He knows that your curiosity often outweighs your common sense.” Navaari said, “He also thought you should know that Ged Larsen is particularly angry with you for leaving his ship in the way you did. His words were ‘she will be required to apologise for the breech of decorum when she returns to the Virulent.’”
I rolled my eyes. “Men and their wounded pride.” I said, “Well I’m not going back for a while, so he will have to wait for his apology.”
Navaari laughed. “Well, pup, you are welcome to stay here as long as you want, this is your home and I am more than happy to be having you to myself for a while.”
I nodded. “I’d like that, Pa’tjad’cu-sja.” I said leaning against his shoulder. “Things always seem so much clearer when I am here.”
“That is because this is your home.” He told me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. “Besides you will not be going any place for awhile anyway, there is a large storm laying in from the North so you will be grounded for a few days.”
“I can live with that.” I said with a yawn. “So tell me, how are things with you and An’jast’a.”
“You have not yet heard?” He asked, surprised, “I sent word; you should have received it before you left.”
“Heard what?” I grumbled wondering in that had something to do with the envelope the young officer was trying to give me before I fled the Virulent.
He chuckled, “Are you wishing to see us bound?”
I turned my head to look at him. “What?”
“I have asked her and she has said yes, this was last week. I sent you a message but then you arrived here without knowing so I am thinking the message missed you.”
“You and An’jast’a will perform the Nai’da?” I asked not even bothering to hide my delight.
“Yes, in one month from tomorrow. If you are wanting to stay this long?”
I flung my arms around him. “Oh Navaari, of course I’ll stay for that, are you crazy? Will An’jast’a mind?”
“Mind? No, Kycsi’i she will be delighted, you are as a child to me, you are family. If you would like to, you can stand for me.”
I opened my mouth and then closed it again, “But…your daughter, will she not stand for you?”
He shook his head, “She is unable to attend.” He said in a tone of voice that told me he did not want to speak about what ever had passed between them just yet.
“I will be honoured to stand for you Pa’tjad’cu-sja.” I told him quietly, meaning every word.
He smiled, “Then it is Da’han’s fortune that brings you here.”
“No, it was a rather nasty argument with Za’ar that brings me here.” I said wryly.
“Then Da’han is working in mysterious ways, Kycsi’i.” He said.
I couldn’t argue with that and I was happy to have a good reason to stay here. I snuggled into his warmth and let my exhaustion take over. He let me doze for a little while and then, before I completely fell asleep, he sent me to bed and for once I didn’t dream, or if I did they were not unkind dreams. I had a month’s grace to find some peace and I wasn’t going to waste it.
05/04/2009
The delicate Lie 4
Waiting for an argument to happen…it wasn’t much fun, I thought. I changed into a comfortable dress and settled on the couch with a book in hand but I didn’t get much reading done. When the door chime sounded I nearly jumped out of my skin before waving my hand, using the force to open it. Thrawn walked in and removed his jacket; his way of letting me know that what ever went on, what ever would be discussed it was without the formality of his rank. I refilled my brandy glass and poured a second for Thrawn, then got up and offered it to him. He took it from my hand without a word, touched his glass to mine and we drank in silence.
“Nice dress. Not quite as nice as the one you had on earlier but still….” He said after what felt like an eternity. His eyes swept up and down my body.
“I was told it was a formal dinner, that is the only real formal dress I have here, everything else I own is on Nirauan.” I said defensively, avoiding his eyes and concentrating on my drink which had suddenly become incredibly interesting.
“Probably a good thing since I’ve seen some of those dresses and given the reaction the one you had on this evening caused I would have hated to see what would happen if you had worn one of those.” His words were tart and annoyed me.
“So you’d prefer me to dress down and not look my best?” I asked sipping my drink, glancing at him from over the rim of my glass. I refrained from reminding him that I was here because of he had all but insisted I come here instead of returning to Nirauan or staying on Tatooine.
He reached over and caressed my face, “I’d prefer that other men did not look at you as though you were not wearing a dress at all.”
I opened my mouth to reply then closed it again, then said with a shrug. “I can’t help what men think.” I replied. “This includes you.”
He sighed and sat down, gesturing for me to sit next to him. He sipped his drink thoughtfully and I watched, noticing he looked more tired, perhaps more stressed now than he had as I had left the dining room. I wondered what had transpired after I had gone. Both Ged and Thrawn could be incredibly bloody minded when they wanted and I didn’t really want to be around when the two of them locked horns.
“I heard you spent most of the day working in your ship, is everything in order?” He asked after a few moments of quiet had passed between us.
“The ship is fine,” I nodded. “You know me sometimes I just need to tinker.”
“That’s usually a sign that you’re bored, troubled or unhappy though.” He countered, contemplating his glass and its contents.
“Not this time.” I said which was mostly true.
“I take it you heard I will be here for a day or so more.”
“Yes, the Admiral mentioned that earlier.”
There was another long silence between us and I glanced up to find him staring intently at me.
“What?” I asked with a frown.
“Is there something wrong, Tekari?”
“Why do you ask?”
“I detected a rather tense undercurrent at that dinner this evening and it hasn’t dissipated any.” He said carefully.
I nodded, “It’s nothing.” I lied. I had no idea how to tell him about what had happened in the docking bay and it was making me miserable. I swirled the brandy in my glass and took another gulp.
Thrawn watched me for a moment then asked, “Did you and Larsen have a fight about something?”
I glanced at him too quickly and then looked away, shaking my head. He frowned and reached to stroke my face but I pulled back from his touch. He watched me for a long, difficult moment then asked, “Have I done something to offend you Merlyn?”
This time I met his eyes. “No, of course not . It’s just…” I began but I stopped unable to find the words to tell him what I knew I should. I didn’t want to lie but I was confused and he had a jealous streak which I didn’t want to bring forward.
“If it is not me then what is going on because I know that something is on your mind.” He asked carefully, “You’re acting as though you’ve been caught skulking around where you shouldn’t have been. Did you do something you were not supposed to on board Larsen’s ship? Is that why I detected such a peculiar tension going on this evening?”
“No!” I said crossly. “You know me better than that!”
“Yes,” Thrawn said archly, “I do and that’s why I am asking.”
“No, I have not done anything!” I replied hotly.
He sat back on the couch and nodded, “So then what was going on at the dinner this evening? The strange innuendos, the furtive glances….”
I huffed out my breath, feeling the weight of my guilt as well as my anger at Ged for placing me in this situation, finished my brandy in a single gulp then reached for the bottle but Thrawn, placing his hand over mind, stopped me.
“Okay, now I know there is something going on because you only drink like this when there is something on your mind you don’t want to talk about or deal with. Out with it, Tekari, no more secrets, you know what happens when you bottle things up.” He commanded.
I sighed and was about to pour out the whole story to him when the door-chime to my quarters rang. I frowned. It was far too late for casual visitors. I waited a second to see if who ever it was would go away but the chime rang again.
“If it was for me they would have reached me by comm.” Thrawn said, “You’d better answer it, it may be important.”
I made a face and got up, opened the door and sucked in my breath. “Admiral Larsen…” I started as I came face to face with Ged, holding a bottle of wine in his hand.
“How many times must I tell you to call me Ged when we are alone?” He teased.
“Not enough, obviously.” I mumbled, “What can I do for you Admiral?”
“I thought I would see if you felt like a night cap Merly.” He said with a grin I was sure he meant to be both boyishly charming and seductive all at the same time, “Since dinner was a pretty stuffed shirt affair.”
“Thank you but I’m afraid that’s not a very good idea right now.”
He frowned. “Why not, I thought we could continue where we left off earlier.”
I bit my lip and closed my eyes knowing that Thrawn, who was seated just out of the line of sight, could hear every word. “No thank you.” I said more firmly. I had his entry blocked to my quarters but he decided to ignore my body language which said please go away and moved past me to walk into the room. He was so focused on me that he did not see Thrawn at first.
“Ged, you need to go….” I tried to stop him but he just smiled and reached out to touch my face but then stopped half way when he saw Thrawn.
“Good evening Admiral Larsen.” Thrawn said, his voice was frosty.
Ged’s expression changed from playful to serious in an instant. “Sir!” He said in his crispest military manner. “Grand Admiral, I didn’t realise you were still here. I was under the impression you had returned to the Chimaera with Captain Pellaeon.” There was a rebuke under the formal tone and both men knew it.
“Indeed, though as you can see this is not the case.” Thrawn replied.
“Yes sir. May I ask what kept you behind? Nothing serious I hope?”
“I have business to discuss with Miss Gabriel in private. Why are you here at such a late hour?” Thrawn said coolly and glanced at me in a way that let me know he was definitely starting to get the wrong idea.
Ged looked from Thrawn to me and then back to Thrawn again. The tension which had eased somewhat earlier on had returned and somehow managed to double. I wanted to crawl under my bed and hide there. “I wished to let Miss Gabriel know that the requisition she placed with the Quartermaster has been filled and set by her ship for pick up.” It was a lie and I frowned as soon as I heard it, Thrawn who had been watching my face knew this from my expression and his own darkened slightly.
“I am sure this news will be of great relief.” He said. This was something that Ged could have told me by comm. and showing up at my quarters this late at night with a bottle of wine was not exactly proper procedure. For a moment there was absolute stillness then uncharacteristically Thrawn looked at me and spoke in his native tongue. “Do you care to tell me what is going on here?” That streak of jealousy he kept well hidden, well in check, the one I had really hoped to avoid was beginning to rear its ugly head.
“There’s nothing going on and you’re being rude.” I chided back in Cheunh. I felt the spike of his surprise and anger like a slap and the tension in my quarters ramped up another notch.
“Merlyn,” Ged interrupted, “There are some unfinished reports that need to be dealt with before you depart on your mission. I would appreciate it if you would meet with me to deal with them at your earliest convenience.”
“Yes sir.” I said quietly. “I’ll get to it first thing.”
Again there was another lengthy silence and then Thrawn asked coldly, “Will there be anything else Admiral Larsen?”
Ged looked at Thrawn but kept his expression neutral. “No sir.” He replied.
“Then that will be all.” There was no mistaking the curt and not so polite dismissal in Thrawn’s words and I watched as Ged’s jaw clenched for a second. He had a lot of respect for Thrawn but this was his ship and he did not like his authority being usurped, especially over me. However, deciding that perhaps this was not the time or the place for any sort of showdown he gave both me and Thrawn a curt, polite nod then exited my quarters and left us to our own silence. It was a long and uncomfortable one which eventually Thrawn broke.
“Do I have a reason to be concerned now, Tekari?” He asked. “Because what I am sensing between you and that man wasn’t present when you and I met this morning.”
I felt a stab of desire at the memory of our love making from early in the morning. It had been a sweet and gentle reunion which had been, above all, uncomplicated. “No!” I said fiercely then stammered, changing my answer, “Maybe…damn it… I don’t know, I don’t think so!” I stamped my foot and turned away from him, pacing towards the wall a few meters away. I heard him follow me but ignored him until, frustrated, he grabbed my arm and spun me around to face him.
“What in Da’han’s name is going on here?” He hissed.
“Nothing!” I said far more loudly than I had intended. He didn’t believe me even though it really was the truth.
His eyebrow arched sharply. “Oh really? Well it certainly does not feel like nothing.” I wavered and he pushed. “That man shows up at your quarters unannounced at an inappropriate time, with a bottle of wine and wants to, how did he put it, finish what you started earlier and you tell me it’s nothing?” He shook his head as if he couldn’t quite get a grasp on the thoughts running through his head, “Out with it! Now! No more of this nonsense.”
“It’s nothing! He kissed me! That’s all!” I blurted.
Thrawn let go of my arm as though it had burnt him and the sudden silence between us was like a kick in the gut.
“Za’ar?”
“Ged Larsen kissed you?” His words came out quiet and precise. “And you call this nothing.”
I nodded.
“Is this another Zaarin incident?” He asked carefully.
I shook my head, “No, it was not like that at all.”
Thrawn looked at me, his glowing, red eyes drilled into my soul like burning needles. “So this man kissed you but you don’t feel threatened by him and it wasn’t totally against your will, what does that mean exactly?”
“It doesn’t mean anything.” I said petulantly. “And before you totally get the wrong idea I certainly did not initiate it either.”
“Before I get the wrong idea…. I think it is a bit late for that, my dear.”
“Then rethink your ideas because there is nothing going on.”
“That’s not what I am sensing. If it was so meaningless you would not be having this much difficulty talking about it.”
I sighed. “He came to see me before diner. At first it was just conversation but then it got all strange, before I knew what was going on he was kissing me and then saying that I should tell you that you have competition for my affections.”
“And do I?” He asked coldly.
I paused just a little too long before shaking my head. “No.”
He frowned just a little, looking more hurt than angry, “Do you have feelings for this man?”
I drew a breath so deep it made my lungs shudder. “Maybe, no, I don’t know.” I said miserably. “I didn’t think so but I’ve been stuck here on this tub for over six weeks and up until this morning not heard a single word from you, he’s been kind to me, I thought we were just friends and…but…I don’t know. I didn’t think so until….” I stopped before I dug this miserable hole any bigger.
“He kissed you and it stirred you up.” He said softly, more to himself than to me. “Do I no longer…”
“This has nothing to do with you Za’ar.” I said wishing I didn’t feel so confused. “I would think that after this morning you wouldn’t have to ask this question!”
“Then explain to me why all of a sudden I feel as though I do.” He said, “What the hell is going on?”
“I don’t know what the hell is going on, I didn’t expect this from him, it came out of the blue. He must have misinterpreted signals from me because I sure as hell didn’t intend for him to think I was free for the taking. But to be fair he didn’t actually know about you and I and he wasn’t lying when he told me that…I wanted to tell him but….”
An impatient wave of Thrawn’s hand cut me off mid sentence. “He misinterpreted? I somehow find it hard to believe that a man as clever Ged Larsen would manage to misinterpret signals of that kind over a period of what, six weeks?” He snapped. “You must have been….”
“I must have been…?” I interrupted loudly, “I did nothing wrong!” I yelled, realising that the more I protested my innocence the worse it all sounded, but his accusation that I was somehow to blame annoyed me. “Stop insinuating that this is all my fault!”
“If that is the case then why are you acting as if you have something to be guilty about?” He asked, his cool logic infuriating me.
“I am not!” I shot back, knowing full well I was, “I had no idea what he was feeling and I certainly wasn’t giving him mixed signals! I don’t know why he had to make it so complicated!” I yelled.
Thrawn made a small gesture with his shoulder and looked away from me for a moment, as if were deciding something. “Well Tekari, he didn’t make it complicated; you do that all by yourself. Perhaps he simply gave you a choice which you did not know you had before.”
“It’s not a choice I wanted or sought out.” I snapped back sullenly.
“Then what do you want? Because if it is to settle down in a house on a nice planet someplace and lead a normal life with me as your mate by your side I will tell you right now that is not going to happen any time soon.” Now he was angry. “I do not have to tell you how difficult things are going to get once this campaign begins in full. I give you as much of my free time as I can, if that is not enough then I don’t know what else to do,” He paused for a moment to study my face then said, “Do you see the possibility of that sort of a life with Ged Larsen?”
I looked at him with wide eyes not liking how this was all turning out. “I’m completely freaked out about a single kiss, I feel guilty because a little part of me enjoyed but you… you already have him and me living together?” I asked in disbelief, “Now who is making a big deal out of this? It was just a kiss not sex, not a pledge of marriage or anything else!” I was right and he knew it but it didn’t matter and now once again we were fighting because of another man.
“Do you wish to sleep with him?” He asked calmly, as though he were asking if I wanted another drink.
I stared at him and wondered, just of a second if it was possible to love and hate all at the very same time. “I’m still trying to work through the fact that he is attracted to me, that he kissed me. I hadn’t thought that far ahead but if you give me some time I might have an answer for you.” I said nastily.
I watched the muscles of his jaw clench. I was winding him up, and some very small part of me was enjoying it as if I wanted him angry and jealous. Another part of me kept thinking that we were acting like idiots and this was all going to end very badly if someone didn’t come to their sense very soon.
“You did not answer my original question; do you see the possibility of a life together with him?” He asked again, slowly, dangerously.
“I shook my head. “No, the answer is no. In the space of five hours he’s gone from being a simple friend to something I can’t define. I like him, we get along and there are things about me he understands like what it means to use the force but he’s not you and I never considered that this would happen, it was not something I planned.”
“Planned!” He snorted, “You don’t ever plan anything, you walk into situations and create chaos. If this was so unplanned then why do you act as though you have betrayed me.”
“I am not acting as though I betrayed you, I am confused because I felt something other than fear and loathing. This wasn’t like when Zaarin tried to rape me. It never occurred to me that another man would feel that way for me or could make me feel like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like I was something more than just a glorified secretary or a decorative feature to be bedded at one’s convenience or someone’s punching bag!” I snapped.
“Is that how I make you feel? Because if that’s the case you’ve had ample time to say something or walk away.”
“No! Stop twisting my words!” I yelled at him. “He kissed me. I didn’t ask him to, he just did it!” I said through clenched teeth. “Once. That was all. It took me by surprise and I reacted.”
“I see.” He said coldly. “One kiss is enough to change a world A’myshk’a, you and I both know that. How do I know that is not the case now?”
“I am bound to you.” I protested, as if that was the answer to everything.
“Not in any official capacity.” He replied coolly.
I looked into his eyes, grabbed his arm and pushed up the sleeve of his undershirt. “This says otherwise.” I said, touching the bracelet around his wrist.
His head tilted to one side. “This has no meaning in the legal sense of the word.”
His words stung even though I knew what he meant. “If it is so meaningless then why do you bother to wear it?” I spat.
“Merlyn, I pride myself on having almost infinite patience but you are eroding that swiftly.” He said very quietly. “You know very well what I mean. You are not legally bound to me under any Dantassi laws which means you are still free to choose another mate should you wish to do so. The bracelet itself has great meaning for me otherwise I would not have accepted it from you, nor would I break regulations to wear it and you should know this.”
“I see.” I bit back. “Well I also bound myself to you in public with the blessing of the elder and you did not complain about it then but it was not legal or official because you won’t ever allow this for what- ever lame excuse I am still waiting to hear. While you made certain that you are unattainable to anyone else I am apparently still free for the taking and therefore an easy target to any predator that comes along!”
“There are valid reasons for this as you well know.” He said coolly.
“No, I do not well know! You never give me a valid reason!” I snapped. “Always we do things your way; always you are the one dictating how everything between us goes. Everything is under your control all the time! We meet when you say, we have sex when it’s convenient for you and our relationship is this huge secret I can’t talk about! How is anyone else supposed to know I am off limits when I can’t tell them I’m taken?” I yelled, “You’ve left me, by your own admission, free to pick and choose yet every time someone else gets close to me you totally freak out. You won’t let me officially bind myself to you yet you act as though that is how I should behave. I’m not anything to you under any law any where. How the hell do you think that makes me feel? You cannot control me or who is attracted to me even though you try. You won’t let me openly and legally bind to you so where does this leave me? You can’t have it your way all the time. ”
I was right and my point was valid, I could see that in the expression on his face but he didn’t give way, he was too angry. “So you are saying you welcomed the advances from Larsen?”
“No that is not what I am saying and you know this.” I snarled. “How many times must I tell you there is no one else? How many ways can I say you are stuck with me before you believe me? You need to get a grip on your jealousy? Stop twisting everything around, stop making this more confusing than it should be!”
“I am not the one who seems to be confused or uncertain about my feelings in the matter of our bond. It is you who seem to have some reservations. Jealousy has nothing to do with this.”
Our eyes met and I held his stare. He was making me cross, “I do not have reservations.” I told him. “And as for your feelings…” I shrugged, “You hide behind that Chiss cool and pretend nothing ever touches you but I know better, I’ve seen what happens when someone encroaches on your space. You are so jealous you can’t even bear the thought of another man being interested in me let alone touch or kiss me so don’t you dare tell me otherwise. You think you own me!”
“That is a lie.” He growled, his voice low and angry as he walked towards me so that I had to back up until I came up against the wall. Leaning over me with one arm braced against the bulkhead at my back so that I could feel the warmth from his body and the heat of his bottled fury as he spoke. He was angry but for the first time since this whole discussion began I got the feeling he was not just angry with me but rather with something or someone else unrelated to the matter at hand, this was just an outlet for something bigger that had gotten under his skin.
“Is it?” I asked. “Then why do you accuse me of being unfaithful to you when you know it’s not true, when I tell you everything that’s going on?”
“Tell me everything? Since when? I practically have to use Imperial interrogation methods to get you to tell me what is on your mind!”
“Now you’re just being mean.” I said, “I was about to tell you what happened when the door chime rang, you were the one who told me to answer it, remember?”
“Ah yes, well who knows what you were about to say,” he said, “If you really did have nothing to hide, then you would not feel so reticent about telling me the truth about what the hell is going on between the two of you and you certainly would not be entertaining him so late at night in your private quarters.”
“I did not invite him to come here tonight, in fact I was just as surprised as you were when he showed up and even had you not been here I still would have told him no!”
“Larsen does not strike me as a man who takes no for an answer.”
I narrowed my eyes at him, “Then I would have dealt with him the same way I dealt with Zaarin but I am sure Ged would not have pushed things in that direction.” I snapped, “Why are you so angry? Quit making this into an even bigger mess than it already seems to be. You’re being a moron stop complicating everything.” The moment the words were out of my mouth I knew I had pushed the wrong button and gone too far.
“Allow me to un-complicate it then.” He said and without further warning, grasped my chin roughly with his forefinger and thumb and he kissed me.
With his tongue and his lips he poured his anger into me and I fed off it as though I were starving. His jealousy and my guilt, along with our combined tempers, mingled to form a sort of madness that swept over the two of us in a way I had never experienced before. His kiss was brutal but I welcomed it, wanted it and he knew this by my reaction. When he drew back to stare at me I felt a subtle pause in time and space as though the galaxy were waiting to see which side of some invisible crazy line that we were so dangerously close to crossing we would end up on. I stared into his face wishing he would stop this insanity, wanting him to wrap his arms around me and tell me all was forgiven that he understood and that it didn’t matter but he did none of these things, he simply stared at me, his glowing red eyes burning with an emotion I wasn’t sure I could read and certainly didn’t like. For a moment we both wavered, then our eyes locked and he kissed me again with renewed savagery. I should have stopped him but I didn’t. His kisses were possessive as well as unkind. There was a power to them and it took over everything else including common sense. I soaked it in, revelled in it, craved it and sent it back; showering him through the force with everything we were both feeling complicating the madness further still. It was terrible and I let it get completely out of control driving our actions until I had no idea what we were doing. It was as if all reason, all sense had flown out the airlock. Before I fully understood where this was headed, without words he hoisted me up and, with a deftness that comes only from practice, took me swiftly against the wall of my quarters claiming what he felt was his in the most cruel, powerful and passionate way he could and part of me welcomed it openly.
“A’mal’yn!” He snarled in my ear and pushed himself deeper into my body, “Mine!” I shut my eyes tightly. I wanted to tell him he was right and that I was his in every single sense of that word but he was too angry to listen to me. I knew him too well and he did not get this angry that often but when it did happen it was like a Hjal winter storm, it was unstoppable. There had to be more going on than just the flirtation with Ged to piss him off this much, I was sure this was not the only reason for Thrawn’s mood but it was the easier to explain and the easiest for him to use. The only thing I could do was to hang on to him and ride it out.
Lifted up and supported by his arms in such a way that it gave him all the power, all of the say, I clung on tightly. I wrapped my legs around his hips and with one arm around his shoulders to hold on, snaked my other hand up behind his neck and threaded through his hair which I gripped far harder than necessary making him hiss in pain but he didn’t pull away or stop what he was doing. In fact it only seemed to encourage him. Jealousy, anger and pain it was a terrible cocktail I knew all too well. I had seen the results before and they were never pretty, not ever.
This was not the first time we had been rough with each other, our combined passion seemed to bring out the worst in us both sometimes. It was almost as if we enjoyed it, though I am not sure either of us would have ever admitted it. We were so used to each other’s bodies, we had made love so many times that even now in such an unkind and unloving manner I responded to him the only way I knew how, shivering with the desire he stirred up in me despite the brutality of the act. No one else could stir me up the way he could.
I silenced my voice by sinking my teeth into his shoulder, biting back any sounds that might have escaped to give away what was going on in this small space. When he was finished, his release a final thrust which slammed me back against the bulkhead wall, I felt my own body surrender and only then did I lift my head back to let my voice cry out for him, for us, for all that we were but he covered my mouth with his hand, silencing me. For a moment, breathless, we stayed like that locked together but more further apart than I had ever known. I opened my eyes to stare into his face. When his eyes met mine I flinched from the hardness I saw in them and the moment hung between us precariously.
I should have said what was in my heart right then and there. I should have told him I loved him, that I was sorry about what I had said to him, that there was no one else in my life not now, not ever and that what-ever had happened between Ged and me was only a fleeting, trivial thing, just a stolen kiss and nothing else. I should have told him these things out loud but instead, made dumb by the uncharacteristic rawness of his actions, I said nothing. I could only gaze into his eyes while he regarded me with the same stunned expression. What the hell had just happened? What the hell had we just done to each other?
As if he could read that question on my face he shook his head then abruptly lifted me away, separating us physically to set me on the ground. I leaned against the wall for support because my knees were shaking so badly I wasn’t sure I could stand on my own. For a moment I watched a myriad of emotions flicker across his face, fear, self loathing and above all anger. He had let his emotions rule him and he had become a force of nature. His animal instincts had taken precedence over his logical common sense and he had become an alpha male predator protecting his territory and marking what was his when it had been threatened by a rival. That calm façade he always worked so hard to maintain had been shattered in an instant by me and I wondered if a part of him now hated me for it.
I also understood that while I had committed no real sin against our bond, I had simply, by my actions and my own sense of guilt, given him cause to question everything we were and he was a man who did not often have to deal with situations such as this. Never before had I done or said anything to make him so unsure of his place in my life in such an overt and obvious manner. And while he had often told me he did not think he was a jealous man by nature we both knew that where I was concerned this was not the case. I only had to recall the terrible fight we had had over Zaarin to know just how deep that particular emotion went. He did not like it and he did his best to deal with it but this time he had been pushed too far.
He had acted out of jealousy and anger but with his physical release those emotions had retreated allowing logic to come back to the forefront. A flash of self loathing shone briefly in his eyes then receded just as swiftly. I could see that he was furious with himself for this breach of decorum, this terrible loss of control, especially since I understood there had been something else driving him, some other reason for his uncharacteristic fury. He stepped away from me, sorted himself out, picked up his jacket and without a word performed a perfect military turn to walk away and leave me alone in my quarters, shaking, bewildered and aching with a myriad of emotions I did not know how to deal with.
“Nice dress. Not quite as nice as the one you had on earlier but still….” He said after what felt like an eternity. His eyes swept up and down my body.
“I was told it was a formal dinner, that is the only real formal dress I have here, everything else I own is on Nirauan.” I said defensively, avoiding his eyes and concentrating on my drink which had suddenly become incredibly interesting.
“Probably a good thing since I’ve seen some of those dresses and given the reaction the one you had on this evening caused I would have hated to see what would happen if you had worn one of those.” His words were tart and annoyed me.
“So you’d prefer me to dress down and not look my best?” I asked sipping my drink, glancing at him from over the rim of my glass. I refrained from reminding him that I was here because of he had all but insisted I come here instead of returning to Nirauan or staying on Tatooine.
He reached over and caressed my face, “I’d prefer that other men did not look at you as though you were not wearing a dress at all.”
I opened my mouth to reply then closed it again, then said with a shrug. “I can’t help what men think.” I replied. “This includes you.”
He sighed and sat down, gesturing for me to sit next to him. He sipped his drink thoughtfully and I watched, noticing he looked more tired, perhaps more stressed now than he had as I had left the dining room. I wondered what had transpired after I had gone. Both Ged and Thrawn could be incredibly bloody minded when they wanted and I didn’t really want to be around when the two of them locked horns.
“I heard you spent most of the day working in your ship, is everything in order?” He asked after a few moments of quiet had passed between us.
“The ship is fine,” I nodded. “You know me sometimes I just need to tinker.”
“That’s usually a sign that you’re bored, troubled or unhappy though.” He countered, contemplating his glass and its contents.
“Not this time.” I said which was mostly true.
“I take it you heard I will be here for a day or so more.”
“Yes, the Admiral mentioned that earlier.”
There was another long silence between us and I glanced up to find him staring intently at me.
“What?” I asked with a frown.
“Is there something wrong, Tekari?”
“Why do you ask?”
“I detected a rather tense undercurrent at that dinner this evening and it hasn’t dissipated any.” He said carefully.
I nodded, “It’s nothing.” I lied. I had no idea how to tell him about what had happened in the docking bay and it was making me miserable. I swirled the brandy in my glass and took another gulp.
Thrawn watched me for a moment then asked, “Did you and Larsen have a fight about something?”
I glanced at him too quickly and then looked away, shaking my head. He frowned and reached to stroke my face but I pulled back from his touch. He watched me for a long, difficult moment then asked, “Have I done something to offend you Merlyn?”
This time I met his eyes. “No, of course not . It’s just…” I began but I stopped unable to find the words to tell him what I knew I should. I didn’t want to lie but I was confused and he had a jealous streak which I didn’t want to bring forward.
“If it is not me then what is going on because I know that something is on your mind.” He asked carefully, “You’re acting as though you’ve been caught skulking around where you shouldn’t have been. Did you do something you were not supposed to on board Larsen’s ship? Is that why I detected such a peculiar tension going on this evening?”
“No!” I said crossly. “You know me better than that!”
“Yes,” Thrawn said archly, “I do and that’s why I am asking.”
“No, I have not done anything!” I replied hotly.
He sat back on the couch and nodded, “So then what was going on at the dinner this evening? The strange innuendos, the furtive glances….”
I huffed out my breath, feeling the weight of my guilt as well as my anger at Ged for placing me in this situation, finished my brandy in a single gulp then reached for the bottle but Thrawn, placing his hand over mind, stopped me.
“Okay, now I know there is something going on because you only drink like this when there is something on your mind you don’t want to talk about or deal with. Out with it, Tekari, no more secrets, you know what happens when you bottle things up.” He commanded.
I sighed and was about to pour out the whole story to him when the door-chime to my quarters rang. I frowned. It was far too late for casual visitors. I waited a second to see if who ever it was would go away but the chime rang again.
“If it was for me they would have reached me by comm.” Thrawn said, “You’d better answer it, it may be important.”
I made a face and got up, opened the door and sucked in my breath. “Admiral Larsen…” I started as I came face to face with Ged, holding a bottle of wine in his hand.
“How many times must I tell you to call me Ged when we are alone?” He teased.
“Not enough, obviously.” I mumbled, “What can I do for you Admiral?”
“I thought I would see if you felt like a night cap Merly.” He said with a grin I was sure he meant to be both boyishly charming and seductive all at the same time, “Since dinner was a pretty stuffed shirt affair.”
“Thank you but I’m afraid that’s not a very good idea right now.”
He frowned. “Why not, I thought we could continue where we left off earlier.”
I bit my lip and closed my eyes knowing that Thrawn, who was seated just out of the line of sight, could hear every word. “No thank you.” I said more firmly. I had his entry blocked to my quarters but he decided to ignore my body language which said please go away and moved past me to walk into the room. He was so focused on me that he did not see Thrawn at first.
“Ged, you need to go….” I tried to stop him but he just smiled and reached out to touch my face but then stopped half way when he saw Thrawn.
“Good evening Admiral Larsen.” Thrawn said, his voice was frosty.
Ged’s expression changed from playful to serious in an instant. “Sir!” He said in his crispest military manner. “Grand Admiral, I didn’t realise you were still here. I was under the impression you had returned to the Chimaera with Captain Pellaeon.” There was a rebuke under the formal tone and both men knew it.
“Indeed, though as you can see this is not the case.” Thrawn replied.
“Yes sir. May I ask what kept you behind? Nothing serious I hope?”
“I have business to discuss with Miss Gabriel in private. Why are you here at such a late hour?” Thrawn said coolly and glanced at me in a way that let me know he was definitely starting to get the wrong idea.
Ged looked from Thrawn to me and then back to Thrawn again. The tension which had eased somewhat earlier on had returned and somehow managed to double. I wanted to crawl under my bed and hide there. “I wished to let Miss Gabriel know that the requisition she placed with the Quartermaster has been filled and set by her ship for pick up.” It was a lie and I frowned as soon as I heard it, Thrawn who had been watching my face knew this from my expression and his own darkened slightly.
“I am sure this news will be of great relief.” He said. This was something that Ged could have told me by comm. and showing up at my quarters this late at night with a bottle of wine was not exactly proper procedure. For a moment there was absolute stillness then uncharacteristically Thrawn looked at me and spoke in his native tongue. “Do you care to tell me what is going on here?” That streak of jealousy he kept well hidden, well in check, the one I had really hoped to avoid was beginning to rear its ugly head.
“There’s nothing going on and you’re being rude.” I chided back in Cheunh. I felt the spike of his surprise and anger like a slap and the tension in my quarters ramped up another notch.
“Merlyn,” Ged interrupted, “There are some unfinished reports that need to be dealt with before you depart on your mission. I would appreciate it if you would meet with me to deal with them at your earliest convenience.”
“Yes sir.” I said quietly. “I’ll get to it first thing.”
Again there was another lengthy silence and then Thrawn asked coldly, “Will there be anything else Admiral Larsen?”
Ged looked at Thrawn but kept his expression neutral. “No sir.” He replied.
“Then that will be all.” There was no mistaking the curt and not so polite dismissal in Thrawn’s words and I watched as Ged’s jaw clenched for a second. He had a lot of respect for Thrawn but this was his ship and he did not like his authority being usurped, especially over me. However, deciding that perhaps this was not the time or the place for any sort of showdown he gave both me and Thrawn a curt, polite nod then exited my quarters and left us to our own silence. It was a long and uncomfortable one which eventually Thrawn broke.
“Do I have a reason to be concerned now, Tekari?” He asked. “Because what I am sensing between you and that man wasn’t present when you and I met this morning.”
I felt a stab of desire at the memory of our love making from early in the morning. It had been a sweet and gentle reunion which had been, above all, uncomplicated. “No!” I said fiercely then stammered, changing my answer, “Maybe…damn it… I don’t know, I don’t think so!” I stamped my foot and turned away from him, pacing towards the wall a few meters away. I heard him follow me but ignored him until, frustrated, he grabbed my arm and spun me around to face him.
“What in Da’han’s name is going on here?” He hissed.
“Nothing!” I said far more loudly than I had intended. He didn’t believe me even though it really was the truth.
His eyebrow arched sharply. “Oh really? Well it certainly does not feel like nothing.” I wavered and he pushed. “That man shows up at your quarters unannounced at an inappropriate time, with a bottle of wine and wants to, how did he put it, finish what you started earlier and you tell me it’s nothing?” He shook his head as if he couldn’t quite get a grasp on the thoughts running through his head, “Out with it! Now! No more of this nonsense.”
“It’s nothing! He kissed me! That’s all!” I blurted.
Thrawn let go of my arm as though it had burnt him and the sudden silence between us was like a kick in the gut.
“Za’ar?”
“Ged Larsen kissed you?” His words came out quiet and precise. “And you call this nothing.”
I nodded.
“Is this another Zaarin incident?” He asked carefully.
I shook my head, “No, it was not like that at all.”
Thrawn looked at me, his glowing, red eyes drilled into my soul like burning needles. “So this man kissed you but you don’t feel threatened by him and it wasn’t totally against your will, what does that mean exactly?”
“It doesn’t mean anything.” I said petulantly. “And before you totally get the wrong idea I certainly did not initiate it either.”
“Before I get the wrong idea…. I think it is a bit late for that, my dear.”
“Then rethink your ideas because there is nothing going on.”
“That’s not what I am sensing. If it was so meaningless you would not be having this much difficulty talking about it.”
I sighed. “He came to see me before diner. At first it was just conversation but then it got all strange, before I knew what was going on he was kissing me and then saying that I should tell you that you have competition for my affections.”
“And do I?” He asked coldly.
I paused just a little too long before shaking my head. “No.”
He frowned just a little, looking more hurt than angry, “Do you have feelings for this man?”
I drew a breath so deep it made my lungs shudder. “Maybe, no, I don’t know.” I said miserably. “I didn’t think so but I’ve been stuck here on this tub for over six weeks and up until this morning not heard a single word from you, he’s been kind to me, I thought we were just friends and…but…I don’t know. I didn’t think so until….” I stopped before I dug this miserable hole any bigger.
“He kissed you and it stirred you up.” He said softly, more to himself than to me. “Do I no longer…”
“This has nothing to do with you Za’ar.” I said wishing I didn’t feel so confused. “I would think that after this morning you wouldn’t have to ask this question!”
“Then explain to me why all of a sudden I feel as though I do.” He said, “What the hell is going on?”
“I don’t know what the hell is going on, I didn’t expect this from him, it came out of the blue. He must have misinterpreted signals from me because I sure as hell didn’t intend for him to think I was free for the taking. But to be fair he didn’t actually know about you and I and he wasn’t lying when he told me that…I wanted to tell him but….”
An impatient wave of Thrawn’s hand cut me off mid sentence. “He misinterpreted? I somehow find it hard to believe that a man as clever Ged Larsen would manage to misinterpret signals of that kind over a period of what, six weeks?” He snapped. “You must have been….”
“I must have been…?” I interrupted loudly, “I did nothing wrong!” I yelled, realising that the more I protested my innocence the worse it all sounded, but his accusation that I was somehow to blame annoyed me. “Stop insinuating that this is all my fault!”
“If that is the case then why are you acting as if you have something to be guilty about?” He asked, his cool logic infuriating me.
“I am not!” I shot back, knowing full well I was, “I had no idea what he was feeling and I certainly wasn’t giving him mixed signals! I don’t know why he had to make it so complicated!” I yelled.
Thrawn made a small gesture with his shoulder and looked away from me for a moment, as if were deciding something. “Well Tekari, he didn’t make it complicated; you do that all by yourself. Perhaps he simply gave you a choice which you did not know you had before.”
“It’s not a choice I wanted or sought out.” I snapped back sullenly.
“Then what do you want? Because if it is to settle down in a house on a nice planet someplace and lead a normal life with me as your mate by your side I will tell you right now that is not going to happen any time soon.” Now he was angry. “I do not have to tell you how difficult things are going to get once this campaign begins in full. I give you as much of my free time as I can, if that is not enough then I don’t know what else to do,” He paused for a moment to study my face then said, “Do you see the possibility of that sort of a life with Ged Larsen?”
I looked at him with wide eyes not liking how this was all turning out. “I’m completely freaked out about a single kiss, I feel guilty because a little part of me enjoyed but you… you already have him and me living together?” I asked in disbelief, “Now who is making a big deal out of this? It was just a kiss not sex, not a pledge of marriage or anything else!” I was right and he knew it but it didn’t matter and now once again we were fighting because of another man.
“Do you wish to sleep with him?” He asked calmly, as though he were asking if I wanted another drink.
I stared at him and wondered, just of a second if it was possible to love and hate all at the very same time. “I’m still trying to work through the fact that he is attracted to me, that he kissed me. I hadn’t thought that far ahead but if you give me some time I might have an answer for you.” I said nastily.
I watched the muscles of his jaw clench. I was winding him up, and some very small part of me was enjoying it as if I wanted him angry and jealous. Another part of me kept thinking that we were acting like idiots and this was all going to end very badly if someone didn’t come to their sense very soon.
“You did not answer my original question; do you see the possibility of a life together with him?” He asked again, slowly, dangerously.
“I shook my head. “No, the answer is no. In the space of five hours he’s gone from being a simple friend to something I can’t define. I like him, we get along and there are things about me he understands like what it means to use the force but he’s not you and I never considered that this would happen, it was not something I planned.”
“Planned!” He snorted, “You don’t ever plan anything, you walk into situations and create chaos. If this was so unplanned then why do you act as though you have betrayed me.”
“I am not acting as though I betrayed you, I am confused because I felt something other than fear and loathing. This wasn’t like when Zaarin tried to rape me. It never occurred to me that another man would feel that way for me or could make me feel like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like I was something more than just a glorified secretary or a decorative feature to be bedded at one’s convenience or someone’s punching bag!” I snapped.
“Is that how I make you feel? Because if that’s the case you’ve had ample time to say something or walk away.”
“No! Stop twisting my words!” I yelled at him. “He kissed me. I didn’t ask him to, he just did it!” I said through clenched teeth. “Once. That was all. It took me by surprise and I reacted.”
“I see.” He said coldly. “One kiss is enough to change a world A’myshk’a, you and I both know that. How do I know that is not the case now?”
“I am bound to you.” I protested, as if that was the answer to everything.
“Not in any official capacity.” He replied coolly.
I looked into his eyes, grabbed his arm and pushed up the sleeve of his undershirt. “This says otherwise.” I said, touching the bracelet around his wrist.
His head tilted to one side. “This has no meaning in the legal sense of the word.”
His words stung even though I knew what he meant. “If it is so meaningless then why do you bother to wear it?” I spat.
“Merlyn, I pride myself on having almost infinite patience but you are eroding that swiftly.” He said very quietly. “You know very well what I mean. You are not legally bound to me under any Dantassi laws which means you are still free to choose another mate should you wish to do so. The bracelet itself has great meaning for me otherwise I would not have accepted it from you, nor would I break regulations to wear it and you should know this.”
“I see.” I bit back. “Well I also bound myself to you in public with the blessing of the elder and you did not complain about it then but it was not legal or official because you won’t ever allow this for what- ever lame excuse I am still waiting to hear. While you made certain that you are unattainable to anyone else I am apparently still free for the taking and therefore an easy target to any predator that comes along!”
“There are valid reasons for this as you well know.” He said coolly.
“No, I do not well know! You never give me a valid reason!” I snapped. “Always we do things your way; always you are the one dictating how everything between us goes. Everything is under your control all the time! We meet when you say, we have sex when it’s convenient for you and our relationship is this huge secret I can’t talk about! How is anyone else supposed to know I am off limits when I can’t tell them I’m taken?” I yelled, “You’ve left me, by your own admission, free to pick and choose yet every time someone else gets close to me you totally freak out. You won’t let me officially bind myself to you yet you act as though that is how I should behave. I’m not anything to you under any law any where. How the hell do you think that makes me feel? You cannot control me or who is attracted to me even though you try. You won’t let me openly and legally bind to you so where does this leave me? You can’t have it your way all the time. ”
I was right and my point was valid, I could see that in the expression on his face but he didn’t give way, he was too angry. “So you are saying you welcomed the advances from Larsen?”
“No that is not what I am saying and you know this.” I snarled. “How many times must I tell you there is no one else? How many ways can I say you are stuck with me before you believe me? You need to get a grip on your jealousy? Stop twisting everything around, stop making this more confusing than it should be!”
“I am not the one who seems to be confused or uncertain about my feelings in the matter of our bond. It is you who seem to have some reservations. Jealousy has nothing to do with this.”
Our eyes met and I held his stare. He was making me cross, “I do not have reservations.” I told him. “And as for your feelings…” I shrugged, “You hide behind that Chiss cool and pretend nothing ever touches you but I know better, I’ve seen what happens when someone encroaches on your space. You are so jealous you can’t even bear the thought of another man being interested in me let alone touch or kiss me so don’t you dare tell me otherwise. You think you own me!”
“That is a lie.” He growled, his voice low and angry as he walked towards me so that I had to back up until I came up against the wall. Leaning over me with one arm braced against the bulkhead at my back so that I could feel the warmth from his body and the heat of his bottled fury as he spoke. He was angry but for the first time since this whole discussion began I got the feeling he was not just angry with me but rather with something or someone else unrelated to the matter at hand, this was just an outlet for something bigger that had gotten under his skin.
“Is it?” I asked. “Then why do you accuse me of being unfaithful to you when you know it’s not true, when I tell you everything that’s going on?”
“Tell me everything? Since when? I practically have to use Imperial interrogation methods to get you to tell me what is on your mind!”
“Now you’re just being mean.” I said, “I was about to tell you what happened when the door chime rang, you were the one who told me to answer it, remember?”
“Ah yes, well who knows what you were about to say,” he said, “If you really did have nothing to hide, then you would not feel so reticent about telling me the truth about what the hell is going on between the two of you and you certainly would not be entertaining him so late at night in your private quarters.”
“I did not invite him to come here tonight, in fact I was just as surprised as you were when he showed up and even had you not been here I still would have told him no!”
“Larsen does not strike me as a man who takes no for an answer.”
I narrowed my eyes at him, “Then I would have dealt with him the same way I dealt with Zaarin but I am sure Ged would not have pushed things in that direction.” I snapped, “Why are you so angry? Quit making this into an even bigger mess than it already seems to be. You’re being a moron stop complicating everything.” The moment the words were out of my mouth I knew I had pushed the wrong button and gone too far.
“Allow me to un-complicate it then.” He said and without further warning, grasped my chin roughly with his forefinger and thumb and he kissed me.
With his tongue and his lips he poured his anger into me and I fed off it as though I were starving. His jealousy and my guilt, along with our combined tempers, mingled to form a sort of madness that swept over the two of us in a way I had never experienced before. His kiss was brutal but I welcomed it, wanted it and he knew this by my reaction. When he drew back to stare at me I felt a subtle pause in time and space as though the galaxy were waiting to see which side of some invisible crazy line that we were so dangerously close to crossing we would end up on. I stared into his face wishing he would stop this insanity, wanting him to wrap his arms around me and tell me all was forgiven that he understood and that it didn’t matter but he did none of these things, he simply stared at me, his glowing red eyes burning with an emotion I wasn’t sure I could read and certainly didn’t like. For a moment we both wavered, then our eyes locked and he kissed me again with renewed savagery. I should have stopped him but I didn’t. His kisses were possessive as well as unkind. There was a power to them and it took over everything else including common sense. I soaked it in, revelled in it, craved it and sent it back; showering him through the force with everything we were both feeling complicating the madness further still. It was terrible and I let it get completely out of control driving our actions until I had no idea what we were doing. It was as if all reason, all sense had flown out the airlock. Before I fully understood where this was headed, without words he hoisted me up and, with a deftness that comes only from practice, took me swiftly against the wall of my quarters claiming what he felt was his in the most cruel, powerful and passionate way he could and part of me welcomed it openly.
“A’mal’yn!” He snarled in my ear and pushed himself deeper into my body, “Mine!” I shut my eyes tightly. I wanted to tell him he was right and that I was his in every single sense of that word but he was too angry to listen to me. I knew him too well and he did not get this angry that often but when it did happen it was like a Hjal winter storm, it was unstoppable. There had to be more going on than just the flirtation with Ged to piss him off this much, I was sure this was not the only reason for Thrawn’s mood but it was the easier to explain and the easiest for him to use. The only thing I could do was to hang on to him and ride it out.
Lifted up and supported by his arms in such a way that it gave him all the power, all of the say, I clung on tightly. I wrapped my legs around his hips and with one arm around his shoulders to hold on, snaked my other hand up behind his neck and threaded through his hair which I gripped far harder than necessary making him hiss in pain but he didn’t pull away or stop what he was doing. In fact it only seemed to encourage him. Jealousy, anger and pain it was a terrible cocktail I knew all too well. I had seen the results before and they were never pretty, not ever.
This was not the first time we had been rough with each other, our combined passion seemed to bring out the worst in us both sometimes. It was almost as if we enjoyed it, though I am not sure either of us would have ever admitted it. We were so used to each other’s bodies, we had made love so many times that even now in such an unkind and unloving manner I responded to him the only way I knew how, shivering with the desire he stirred up in me despite the brutality of the act. No one else could stir me up the way he could.
I silenced my voice by sinking my teeth into his shoulder, biting back any sounds that might have escaped to give away what was going on in this small space. When he was finished, his release a final thrust which slammed me back against the bulkhead wall, I felt my own body surrender and only then did I lift my head back to let my voice cry out for him, for us, for all that we were but he covered my mouth with his hand, silencing me. For a moment, breathless, we stayed like that locked together but more further apart than I had ever known. I opened my eyes to stare into his face. When his eyes met mine I flinched from the hardness I saw in them and the moment hung between us precariously.
I should have said what was in my heart right then and there. I should have told him I loved him, that I was sorry about what I had said to him, that there was no one else in my life not now, not ever and that what-ever had happened between Ged and me was only a fleeting, trivial thing, just a stolen kiss and nothing else. I should have told him these things out loud but instead, made dumb by the uncharacteristic rawness of his actions, I said nothing. I could only gaze into his eyes while he regarded me with the same stunned expression. What the hell had just happened? What the hell had we just done to each other?
As if he could read that question on my face he shook his head then abruptly lifted me away, separating us physically to set me on the ground. I leaned against the wall for support because my knees were shaking so badly I wasn’t sure I could stand on my own. For a moment I watched a myriad of emotions flicker across his face, fear, self loathing and above all anger. He had let his emotions rule him and he had become a force of nature. His animal instincts had taken precedence over his logical common sense and he had become an alpha male predator protecting his territory and marking what was his when it had been threatened by a rival. That calm façade he always worked so hard to maintain had been shattered in an instant by me and I wondered if a part of him now hated me for it.
I also understood that while I had committed no real sin against our bond, I had simply, by my actions and my own sense of guilt, given him cause to question everything we were and he was a man who did not often have to deal with situations such as this. Never before had I done or said anything to make him so unsure of his place in my life in such an overt and obvious manner. And while he had often told me he did not think he was a jealous man by nature we both knew that where I was concerned this was not the case. I only had to recall the terrible fight we had had over Zaarin to know just how deep that particular emotion went. He did not like it and he did his best to deal with it but this time he had been pushed too far.
He had acted out of jealousy and anger but with his physical release those emotions had retreated allowing logic to come back to the forefront. A flash of self loathing shone briefly in his eyes then receded just as swiftly. I could see that he was furious with himself for this breach of decorum, this terrible loss of control, especially since I understood there had been something else driving him, some other reason for his uncharacteristic fury. He stepped away from me, sorted himself out, picked up his jacket and without a word performed a perfect military turn to walk away and leave me alone in my quarters, shaking, bewildered and aching with a myriad of emotions I did not know how to deal with.
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