We reached the rendezvous point slightly ahead of schedule and I was almost sad when we landed on board one of the Virulent’s smaller docking bay. Once we had established boundaries, I had enjoyed getting to know Ged better and having someone to share stories and secrets with. I had forgotten what it felt like to have a friend like him. There were precious few people left who knew what life had been like at the height of the Empire it was almost a relief to be able to share my tales with him.
“Will you be okay on your own for a while?” He asked as he packed his things. I was loitering in the doorway to the small cabin he had used. “I mean do you have something to keep you occupied and out of trouble?”
“Funny.” I made a face, “Yes, I need to sort my ship out.” I told him. “I have learned not to trust anyone when it comes to taking care of my baby.” I patted the hull beside me for emphasis. “I like to give the engines a good looking at after a run like this and the ship needs to be cleaned.”
“This bucket of bolts is not at all what she seems to be.” Ged smiled. “Just like her owner.”
“Everyone underestimates my ship, even I did at first.” I grinned ignoring his dig at me. “She takes care of me so I take care of her right back.”
“I would expect no less.” He nodded, “You’re a damn good pilot. Any pilot worth their salt takes care of the ship first before and after the run. The deck officer will make sure you get whatever you need. If you have any problems just let me know.”
I followed him to the ship’s exit, “Thanks.”
He hesitated for a moment then said, “I will be very busy for the next little while, I’m afraid. I have a great deal to catch up on and I...”
I raised my hand to stop him. “I’m not going to suddenly start acting all clingy just because we called a truce and played cards. It’s okay, I know the fly-boy drill.” I told him. “Anyway, I’m also exhausted. And you should get the ship’s medic to look at the wound.” I gestured at his chest. “While it’s healing okay I’d feel happier if Dr. Pakhia gave you the okay.”
“Aye aye.” He grinned giving me a mock salute. “As soon as I hear anything I will let you know but don’t hold your breath. The Grand Admiral isn’t always very forthcoming about his plans and right now the holonet is not the place to be broadcasting them.”
“I’m used to that as well.” I replied making a face, “Really, I’m fine Ged, stop acting like a mother bantha.” I flapped my hand at him, “Go command something and get off my ship. I have stuff to do!”
He laughed, “Very well, I’ll leave you to it.”
I nodded, watching him disembark, and then got down to business with my ship. We had a good relationship and I wanted to keep it that way so my first order of business was the engine room. Time passed without me knowing it and by the time I was done it was late. I headed back to my quarters feeling at ease but filthy. I was deeply grateful to have peace and quiet to soak in a hot bath and then go to bed. I was more tired than I thought and I slept for nearly thirteen hours straight. If there were nightmares I didn’t remember them, if there were any emergencies I slept through them. When I woke up the ship was well on its way to Bastion, the Imperial stronghold and we were in a communications lockdown with Ged running ship wide drills. Some things never changed and oddly enough I was glad for it.
I spent most of my time in the hanger fixing anything I was allowed to get my hands on just to pass the hours. If there was one thing I had learned it was that time on an ISD passed slowly if a person had no specific tasks. While I had been taught to do many things in my life nothing was more useful than being a certified mechanic and I had Jyrki and my father to thank for this. Working on the ships and being in the pits meant I picked up tidbits of gossip from the pilots and the other mechanics but there was nothing concrete. It was all just supposition and rumours. Ged, true to his word, kept me up to date although, according to him, there wasn’t much to tell but two days out of Bastion we received word that Thrawn’s fleet had come out of hyperspace near Coruscant and the battle for the planet had begun. I learned more details over a late dinner with Ged.
“He has cloaked asteroids in low orbit around the planet, creating a hazard that forced the planet to put up their defence shield. Right now nothing can get in or out.” Ged told me after the steward had poured the stim’caf and discretely left the room.
“A siege?” I asked as I nibbled on a piece of sweet ijnalla fruit. “What does he hope to accomplish by that?”
“Keeps them busy.” He laughed. “The cloaked asteroids are undetectable to Coruscant's sensors, it’s impossible for the New Republic to distinguish an actual asteroid launch from a false one.”
“A false launch?”
“Over two hundred to be more exact.” He replied with a brilliant smile that lit up his whole face.
“Oh,” I grinned. “That’s so clever.” Thrawn’s ingenuity never ceased to amaze me.
“They can’t drop the energy shield around the planet and run the risk that an asteroid might hit any part of the cityscape and they cannot allow space traffic near the planet in case of collisions. So now you see why we had to get the hell out of there when we did?”
I nodded, “So what is next? Do you know?”
Ged shrugged slightly, “My last report said the next move is to head to Bilbringi but we are on a communications black out so I have no idea how that’s going.”
“Why are we not joining them in the fight?”
“We are protecting the rear line.” Ged replied. “Defending Bastion is important.” He added although he didn’t seem very happy about it.
“Why?”
“Because it’s the Empire’s greatest kept secret and it is vital it remains that way.”
“So let me guess, the data you took from the mainframe on Coruscant will now be housed here?”
“One copy at any rate.” Ged acknowledged.
I nodded and sipped my drink thoughtfully. “But what if Thrawn needs more ships?”
“Then we’ll be called to the fray but according to my last briefing with him he has enough ships and he doesn’t expect a large amount of resistance. The New Republic are already stretched thin it isn’t likely they’ll suddenly come up with a new found fleet to add to what they already have. They are already beaten. They just don’t know it yet is all.”
I didn’t say anything to this because it seemed to me that the rebels had been beaten at every turn for the last ten years or more and still they had managed to claim victory against all odds. Those small odds worried me but I kept my fears to myself.
“So when we reach Bastion, then what?”
“Then the really difficult part begins, I’m afraid.”
“Oh?” I asked.
“We wait and there is nothing harder than that.”
“My favourite thing, hurry up and wait.” I sat back against my chair and toyed with my cup.
“It’s the mantra of the navy fly boy.” Ged said with a grin.
“Well at least I can keep busy in the pit.” I replied with a slight shrug.
He leaned back and regarded me with an expression I couldn’t quite read, “You could return to Nirauan if you wanted to, if it’s too dull around here.”
I shook my head, “There’s nothing to do there but sit and brood. Even Syal isn’t there right now and Thrawn must have had a reason for wanting me here. While I don’t always like it, he usually knows what he is doing and when he wants me safe there’s usually a good reason for it. He usually has a plan set in place. He wanted me here with you not on the base and not with him.” I sighed. “So here I am.”
“Well I, for one, am glad of your company.” He said truthfully.
I looked at him and then I gave him a smile, “Me too.” and I meant it. There was a moment of comfortable silence and then we moved on to other less weighty topics. I was grateful for whatever wisdom or reason had made Thrawn send me back to the Virulent. I would have gone crazy on Nirauan and I would have driven everyone there up the wall.
We reached Bastion quietly. There would be an exchange of supplies and information and a dinner with the Moff in charge which I had politely declined to join. I knew the Moff by reputation and I didn’t want anything to do with him at all. Ged had not pushed and I had been grateful. Three days after we had arrived, word came that the Virulent was to head to a set of co-ordinates at the edge of the Unknown Regions to await further instructions. If Ged knew more he wasn’t saying and I didn’t ask.
The journey out to the meeting point at the edge of the Unknown Regions was fraught with tension. Rumours had started flying around the ship that Coruscant had fallen and Thrawn had reclaimed the core world in the Empire’s name, other rumours whispered that he had defeated the New Republic’s fleet near Bilbringi but nothing had been confirmed. When I was able to get some time with Ged I asked him if any of it was true but he just shook his head.
“The orders were short and to the point. Rendezvous at the given co-ordinates and await further instructions. We’ve not heard a thing since and the entire holonet grid in this sector is out. Even if we wanted to learn more long range communications are down.”
So we waited, the hours passed slowly turning into days which dragged by. Ged sensing the general mood of the ship ran surprise drills and spot inspections. He kept everyone so busy that they didn’t have time to think let alone start yet more rumours. I stayed out of his way exhausting myself with work and sport so that I would sleep. Even then, rest didn’t come easily. The nightmares which had left me alone returned with a vengeance and I found myself waking up screaming in terror and shaking with an inexplicable sorrow which left me sobbing for no reason at all. Strangely enough I could not recall what I had been dreaming about but I suspected they had to do with Thrawn and were brought on by stress. I was driven to distraction by the waiting. It made me waspish and snappy so I generally tried to stay out of the way of people. So, I worked in the pits repairing anything I was allowed to touch or I hid in the upper gantries of the ship’s massive landing bays, it was amusing to observe the comings and goings on of pilots and mechanics alike. In an odd way it reminded me of home.
I was under a skiff, trying to sort out its faulty repulsor when the news came that the Chimaera had just jumped out of hyperspace and was on its way to meet us. I scrambled to find Ged.
“Is it true?” I asked after eventually tracking him down in one of the smaller war rooms.
He nodded not looking up from the data-pad he was studying. “I don’t know any more yet, but their ETA is a couple of hours”
“Wow.” I had not been expecting that. I had expected to hear days not hours.
“They came out of hyperspace a lot closer than expected.” He looked up at me and then he grinned. “You have time to go get cleaned up which you really should do because you have grease on your nose and you smell like a pit monkey.”
I wiped at the offending grease spot in annoyance and surreptitiously sniffed near my armpit, wrinkling my nose in disgust. He was right I smelled bad.
Ged chuckled. “See? I think more girl less mechanic is in order.” I scowled at him but he was right, I probably looked like a refugee off a garbage transport. “Go, I’ll send someone for you as soon as they arrive.” He shooed me out of the ready room. He had long given up trying to reach me by comm because I usually had it turned off or I’d forgotten it.
I returned to my quarters and ran a bath. It was a wonderful luxury to be able to soak in a tub full of hot bubbly water and I was deeply grateful that my quarters came with a bathtub. I was excited and nervous and tired all at the same time. Thrawn could still make me quiver like a silly teenager and I marvelled at the sandjiggers which wriggled in my belly as I stepped into the almost too hot water.
I lingered in the water until it turned cool then I got out and dressed in something long, sleeveless and pretty but not too special. I did my hair up with the beautiful Zenji sticks, his first ever gift to me, added one of my favourite ma’arilite pendants and then sat restlessly waiting to hear from Ged but I didn’t need to be told when Thrawn’s ship had arrived because I got a perfect view of her as she slid into formation above the Virulent. It was almost as if he had known I would be watching for him and had approached the Ged’s ship this way to make sure I saw him return to me safe and sound. I gazed in awe at the Chimaera. She was beautiful.
Much to my surprise my heart thumped painfully in my chest setting me abuzz with anticipation. I hoped that we would be able to have even a small amount of time alone with each other and I hoped that he would be happy to see me. While the last time I had been with him had been sweet, this past year had seem him shift moods, becoming distant and strange with me, almost as if he had two different personalities, mercurial and unpredictable. He had blamed it on the stress of running this campaign but I blamed part of it on myself. For a second, my thoughts went to the child we had lost, absently I touched my belly but then I shook the negative thoughts from my head. After all we had been through he had proven again and again that he cared deeply for me. Whatever doubts or worries I had they needed to be pushed away. In the end I was just grateful that he had returned safely.
I hoped that we would finally get to hear about how the campaign was going but as I made my through the ship rumours where whispered that Coruscant was not the great victory it was supposed to be. I ignored them, there had been no confirmation and we were still running on a communications black out. I had wanted to press people for more news but I was certain that if anything had gone wrong Ged would have let me know, so I waited which wasn’t easy.
I knew it would take a while before all the formalities were sorted out and that bugging Ged would only annoy him so instead I made my way to the secondary landing bay and sat in my favourite spot up in the gantry to watch the comings and goings. When Thrawn arrived on board the Virulent it was here where his shuttle would land. It was here I could lose myself in thought without driving myself frantic with the entire constant ‘what ifs’ that ran through my head. I was at home with the sound of engines and the smell of fuel fumes in the air. It was a comfort and it always had been.
The upper gantry perch was my second home and Ged knew this so the crewman he had sent to fetch me found me without a problem. I didn’t need to be told twice to go with the young man and he was hard put to keep up with me as I all but flew to Ged’s ready room. I tried to calm down a little. It was unseemly to feel and act like the skittish young girl I had been when Thrawn and I had first met. We had known each other far too long and far too well but still my heart fluttered and it made me smile.
I allowed for a moment of giddy joy and then fought to calm down a little. I didn’t think that Ged needed to see me act like a love sick bantha but the anticipation of seeing Thrawn again was overwhelming. I marvelled at the sensation and then swallowed it back. While I was certain Thrawn would be amused with my jitters the rest of the people who would probably be in the room did not have to witness this side of me.
“You can go in now Miss Gabriel.” The young officer said.
I grinned, “Thanks!” I said and I walked into the ready room. I expected to see Thrawn and most likely Captain Pellaeon but I was surprised to see only Ged.
“Wow, there’s a real person under all that grease! You clean up nice. “ He said with a slight smile, “However, it seems that any meetings are to be held on board the Chimaera. Apparently the Virulent is not secure enough any longer.”
I smoothed my hands on my dress trying to mask my disappointment. “You could have told me this via comm, you know. I had it with me.” I assumed this meant I wasn’t going with him.
He smiled and shrugged, “I could have but as they wish you to accompany me I figured this was just as easy. It was requested that we use your ship. It is only the two of us so I have no objection although it’s highly irregular. Whatever is going on is very hush hush.”
I rolled my eyes, “This is so typical. Thrawn’s probably planning on sending me to Nirauan or somewhere else which is why he’s insisting on my ship. Why does everything with that man have to be cloaked in secrecy?”
“When you get an answer can you pass it along to me?” He asked as we left the ready room and made our way down to the landing bay to my ship.
“For a small fee, I’ll think about it.” I grinned.
I started up the ship’s engines while Ged cleared us through the Virulent’s traffic control and then contacted the Chimaera to let her know we were on our way. It was a short trip and the Chimaera’s people were ready for us when we arrived. I landed my ship as daintily as I could, showing off, and Ged just shook his head at me. I gave him a smug smile.
“You are incorrigible Merly.” Ged said getting up and brushing imaginary lint off his uniform.
“And you wouldn’t have it any other way.” I retorted back.
“Probably not.” He said as he waited for me to open the ship so we could leave.
I followed him down the ramp from the ship and smirked at the fuss the men waiting for him made. There was a lot of saluting and some curious glances at me before we were escorted swiftly and silently to what I assumed wrongly would be Thrawn’s ready room.
“Captain Pellaeon is waiting inside for you Sir, Ma’am.” The pinched faced young man said as he opened the door.
“Thank you crewman.” Ged said and there was some more saluting. As soon as we walked into the small but comfortable room I knew instantly that this was not Thrawn’s. I looked around expecting him to be there but instead there was only Captain Gilad Pellaeon.
I remembered how kind and warm he had been to me at that disastrous dinner where Ged had pushed and Thrawn had not taken too kindly to it and found it funny how far away that all seemed now. I looked at Pellaeon and smiled as though I were seeing an old friend again but he didn’t return the smile, instead there was a sadness in his eyes that I had not noticed the last time we had met and suddenly I felt a chill run down my spine.
“Admiral Larsen, it is a privilege to meet you again.” The Captain saluted Ged smartly and I rolled my eyes as Ged saluted him back. All this military formality was getting on my nerves. “And you as well Miss Gabriel, it is lovely to see you again.” He said, and then he paused for just a second before continuing with, “I just wish it were under better circumstances. Please, I think perhaps you had both better sit down.”
Ged ignored his suggestion and remained standing so I did the same. I looked from one face to the other trying to decipher what wasn’t being said.
“Where is the Grand Admiral?” Ged asked, breaking the terrible silence.
I watched as he stared at Captain Pellaeon who shook his head almost imperceptibly. My heart started to pound in my ears and my mouth was suddenly dry. Something was terribly wrong.
Pellaeon drew a deep breath, looked at both Ged and me and then said bluntly, “I regret to inform you both that Grand Admiral Thrawn is dead.”
.
A Star Wars story told from a different point of view.
27/05/2011
20/05/2011
Endings and Beginnings 2
The rest of the journey was relaxed, nothing blew up, no one tried to kill us and nothing went wrong with my ship. In the quiet of the galley Ged taught me how to play seven card comet, a complicated and annoying game. After losing to him about a billion times finally I turned the tables around and taught him how to play Hutts and Scoundrels which was even funnier because the rules allowed for cheating and Ged was not nearly as good at that as he would have liked to believe.
“This is a crazy game, are you sure you’re not making it up?” Ged laughed as he finally won a round.
“Nope it’s real. I used to play it at Jabba’s palace sometimes with Boba Fett. Actually I learned it from him.” I smiled at the memory.
“Isn’t that one of the bounty hunters Vader used to hire?”
“Yeah.” I grinned grateful he didn’t get all weird about me knowing Fett the way so many people had. “I knew him from before that though; he’d show up at the docking bay my father owned from time to time to get his ship fixed and then sometimes we’d meet up at Jabba’s.”
“Do you miss it?” He asked suddenly, peering at me from over his cards.
“Miss what?”
“Tatooine, Jabba’s Palace and all that stuff?”
I shook my head. “Tatooine sometimes but not Jabba’s palace, I don’t miss that at all. It was another life in another time and when I think about it I wonder who that girl was because she’s long gone. What I miss more is Coruscant and how it used to be, before Endor, when there was still some sort of normal.” I smiled, “I miss my friends, the clothes, the excitement and a bunch of other things I never thought would matter to me. I know it’s not the same now, and I couldn’t go back there to live but for a while it was home and I loved it.”
“Well it was a glamorous life, even if it did mean putting up with Darth Vader.”
I smiled as I discarded one card and picked up another, “He wasn’t so bad once you got to know him.”
“Is that so?” He said with a teasing smirk.
I nodded. “He was brilliant. Did you know he built his own protocol droid when he was just a kid?”
Ged stared at the cards in his hand for a second and then took another card from the deck, “No I did not know that.”
“Or that he had a wife who had once been the Queen of Naboo? That they got married in secret because the Jedi didn’t allow love and that she died in childbirth but everyone who knew that lied about it to keep him away from his kids. I mean no wonder he went bonkers.”
This time Ged stopped looking at his cards to look at me. “I didn’t know that either. I mean I guessed there had to be a woman involved somewhere; he had a son, but a queen of Naboo? That’s news even to me and I thought I knew a lot about that man.”
I nodded, “My point is that most people never really saw him as a man. They saw him as some sort of evil monster and he wasn’t, well okay he could be but he was more than that.” I sighed returning my focus to my own hand of cards. “I hope that when this is all said and done people won’t see Thrawn the same way.”
“Well the Grand Admiral isn’t dressed from head to toe in scary black armour and he doesn’t force choke those who displease him, I’d say he’s off to a much better start, wouldn’t you?” Ged asked and then laid down a hand of cards that trumped mine winning a round.
“Hey!”
I watched as he gleefully removed a couple of cards from his sleeve and tossed them on the table. “I’m a quick study and you are easily distracted.”
I laughed. “I suppose a secret agent should be good at slipping cards up his sleeve though I never did learn the trick of it.”
“Make some tea and maybe I’ll reveal some of my secrets.”
I got up to put the kettle on and stood with my back leaning against the small counter while he reshuffled the cards.
“So what about you?” I asked.
“Oh there’s not that much to tell.” He gave me a one shoulder shrug.
At that comment, I grinned. “Which means there is lots to tell, so give it up fly-boy.”
“Well let’s see, my family has called Coruscant home since the dawn of the Old Republic. I grew up there when I wasn’t trailing around with my father in space. We have an estate out in the Sah’c Town area, two apartments in the coco district, and one not so far from the flat where your friends live. I used to call that home when I was on planet.”
“So we were actually neighbours of a sort.”
“Yes, I suppose so, though I wasn’t there very often.” He replied.
The kettle boiled and I busied myself making a pot of tea. “Do you miss it?”
“I used to but then, when I would be back on Coruscant, I would miss being onboard an ISD and it turned out that I missed space more in the end. I still have the properties though, I rent them out.”
“Nice.” I said with a nod. “Thrawn is like that you know, happier in space than on world.”
He nodded, “The navy is my life. The intelligence stuff came later. But for as long as I can remember I wanted to be a pilot, I wanted to fly.”
“I heard you got started young.” I said sipping my tea. “They called you the Emperor’s Boy Wonder, did you know that?”
“I did. I used to find it annoying now I just shake my head at the fuss.” He said with a grin, “I can remember pretending to be a TIE pilot as a little kid, playing make believe with toys and then later I graduated to simulators which I had access to when I travelled with my father.” He smiled at the memory, “I was good too, I even managed to outscore some of my father’s best pilots in the simulator. It was only natural that I end up at the Academy. I know a lot of people thought that I was given a free hand because of who my father was but that wasn’t the case. My father would never have had a man serving under him who had not pulled his weight at the Academy. I passed with more than flying colours because I worked at it. It was my passion.”
“You’re force sensitive that must have helped.”
“Perhaps it did but I never used it intentionally.” He said thoughtfully.
“Did they know about your talents? Your family, did they know?”
“The majority of my force abilities manifested much later in life and the small talents I did show we didn’t speak of it much.” His reply was quiet. “My parents lived through the Clone Wars, the Jedi purge. I had gifts that should have gotten me killed so we kept it ....”
“...dark.” I finished for him.
He nodded, “Yes, well you would know that wouldn’t you.”
“So if you kept it a secret then how did Palpatine find out?”
He drew a long slow breath and folded his hands around the cup of tea. He stared at the contents of his cup as though it held all the answers to the universe and then he looked at me and smiled slightly in that beguilingly boyish manner that I was sure made teenage girls weak in the knees. “Because I lost it.” He said with a shake of his head. “I just lost it.”
I frowned, not following. He swallowed and I suddenly understood that I wasn’t the only one carrying around battle scars. “If you don’t want to talk about it I understand.” I said.
He gave me another smile but this one was softer, held a hint of sadness and was far more intimate. “After all those terrible secrets you’ve shared with me, I think you deserve to hear at least one of mine.”
“Well then tea just won’t do it.” I stood up and dug two glasses and the emergency brandy out of the cupboard, then sat back down. Without asking him, I poured a generous shot and we touched glasses.
“Impressive! This is really good stuff.” He said savouring the taste.
“It should be I steal it from Thrawn and he’s a snob when it comes to this stuff.” I said with a tentative grin.
He nodded and then became serious. “It was unusual but not unheard of for members of the same family to be assigned on the same ship. When I graduated from Carida I was lucky. I got to work under my father on board the ISD Thunderer as a Commander and a flight leader. It was great, the Old man was cool about it and I pulled my weight, did well and got promoted. Things were good. Things were really, really good.” He studied the glass in his hand, “I’m guessing you know all too well that just when the world seems perfect things tend to go very wrong.”
“That’s generally been my experience.” I nodded.
“We had a good crew, a great ship. We had a decent sector to patrol in and my father was a well respected man. We had all heard about the rebellion, that there was unrest and fighting but it hadn’t really touched our lives in any great way. Then one day we were patrolling a non hostile sector, just a routine patrol, and suddenly things weren’t so routine anymore.” He stopped to down the rest of the brandy in his glass and didn’t refuse when I refilled the glass.
For a long moment he studied his glass thoughtfully. “I thought we were the good guys. I thought that the galactic worlds loved us. We kept space safe; we kept a lid on the smugglers and the war lords and made life easier for everyone. We did our jobs and we risked our lives every single day and for what? So a small group of ungrateful haters could swoop in and rewrite history?” He shook his head and sipped his drink. “I liked history so I read all about the Clone Wars, about the jedi and what happened. I read about how the Old Republic Senate had become so corrupt that they would not even help planets being blackmailed by thugs like the banking clan unless it was in someone’s best interest and the credits were high enough. Did people just forget all of that?”
“Yes.” I nodded, “They did.”
He shook his head and continued, “I also read reports that some people thought that Palpatine had engineered the entire thing, the war, the breakdown of the senate, his rise to power just so he could destroy the Jedi but you know what? That’s garbage. People are corrupt and all Palpatine did was show it. He didn’t start the war, he ended it. My mother was in the senate the day he declared us a galactic empire. She told me it was one of the most glorious things she had ever seen, that everyone cheered because they wanted Palpatine to lead. He was a good leader.” He looked at me. “I know things were not perfect but nothing ever is but these rebels, they came in thinking they were going to save the universe and in the process they destroyed so many lives and they called themselves heroes for doing it.” He stopped to consider his next words carefully. I could feel his anger and his sadness all around him and it made me ache with an all too familiar sorrow. This memory was painful.
“It was just another ordinary patrol. They came out of nowhere, a fleet of 5 MC-90 Heavy Calamari Cruisers and seven corvettes all carrying full compliments of squadrons. They jumped out of hyperspace practically on top of us. Oh how they must have congratulated themselves, a lone Imperial Star Destroyer with no reinforcements within a hundred light years, it was a gift, even armed to the teeth as we were, we were no match for their numbers.”
“My father didn’t waste any time. We launched the TIEs and we fought back with everything we could, we gave them a damned good fight. My father was brilliant, he used every trick in the book plus a few more that hadn’t been written and he held them off for a long time but in the end he was out numbered, we were outnumbered. The Thunderer’s shields eventually failed leading to a catastrophic hull breech.” He clenched his teeth against the bitterness of the memory which he could still see clearly in his mind. “When she exploded it was the most extraordinary and the most horrific thing I had ever seen. This huge, beautiful ship so full of people, so full of promise was suddenly gone in a brilliant flash of light and a shower of sparks. I watched it from the cockpit of my TIE, too far away to do anything else. That explosion took out three quarters of the rebel fleet along with my father and a good many of my friends.” He stopped and swallowed hard. “A part of me died that day and another part of me woke up.”
I sat with my hand covering my mouth and tears welled up in my eyes, I blinked them away to roll down my cheeks without me even realising it. “Oh Ged, I am so sorry. I had no idea.”
He reached over and touched my face, his fingers tracing the tracks my tears had made. “Tears for a man you never even knew, you really are extraordinary.” He spoke softly, as though he were talking more to himself than to me.
I brushed my tears and his hand away roughly, I was angry but I didn’t know why. We stared at each other for a very long moment and then he remembered he was telling a story, gathered himself and sat back against the back of the chair, distancing himself from me with a shake of his head. I understood then that, even with his pretty words and fine intentions of just being friends with me, it wasn’t quite so easy to completely shut off the feelings that lay beneath the surface. I wanted to reach out, take his hand to somehow give him comfort but I didn’t. He drew a breath and continued.
“They told me, after it was all over, that it was like watching a man gone mad but I don’t recall it much to be honest. I remember the explosion and that bizarre sense of disassociation. It wasn’t real, how could such a thing be real? My father, one moment he was there giving orders, the next he was stardust. How was that even possible? So I did the only thing I could, I stuck with my training and we went after the rest of the rebels with a vengeance. We shot them down like animals, every last one of them. By the time the battle was done the first of the reinforcements had begun to arrive. The next thing I know I’m back on Coruscant being awarded a bloody medal for my valiant effort.” He spat the last words with distaste and shook his head, “They said the Empire needed to see its heroes, but I didn’t understand. How could I be a hero when so many good people had died? Later, after the ceremony, the Emperor sent word he wished to speak with me alone in his private audience chamber, the small one, you know the one I mean right?”
I nodded. I knew it all too well and the memory made me shudder.
“He seemed so benevolent, like a kindly old uncle and not at all like the powerful man I had been used to seeing give speeches and so on. He told me he had heard about what had happened and he was curious as to how a mere boy could have done so much damage. I told him that I could barely remember what had occurred after my father’s death but he managed to get it out of me in that strange way of his. It was painful when it all came flooding back.”
I sighed loudly and drank a large gulp of the brandy. I had been on the receiving end of the Emperor’s ability to pull information out of thin air and I hadn’t enjoyed it very much.
“It turned out I had an aptitude for the darker side of the force. I had fed off my fury and hatred and let the force take over. I had been guided by it and because of this power we had managed to destroy our enemy or what was left of them.” Ged said with a slight shrug, “I resigned my commission after that meeting and I took some time to figure things out. I travelled, met people, studied and when I returned, well let’s just say the Emperor saw to it that my education did not get left by the wayside.”
“He trained you personally?”
“He had a hand in it.” Ged replied evasively. I didn’t push instead I let him continue; “He promoted me, gave me my own commission and sent me to take care of business in the Ryloth system, at least officially. Unofficially I began my work with the Bureau and followed in my mother’s footsteps.”
“Your mother?” I asked in surprise.
He nodded, “I thought for the longest time that she was some low level bureaucrat but it turned out she was working with intelligence as a signals expert. I used the front of being an Admiral and having an ISD at my command for missions and that was that until Endor. I should have been there but we had been delayed on another mission, perhaps if we had been there things might have gone a different way.”
“Everything changed at Endor.” I whispered.
He nodded. “I felt it you know, Palpatine’s death. I was on the bridge of my ship and it felt as though someone had suddenly sucked all the air out and I was suffocating. It was painful and bitter and I knew, in that moment, I knew that he was dead.”
“I think the whole galaxy felt it.” I shivered.
“Probably they did.” He nodded and we both sipped our drinks in silence.
“So, you studied the dark side of the force.”
He nodded, “As I said, I had an aptitude for it. Once I had broken through that barrier I was able to tap into it whenever I wanted and once I got the training I needed I could control it.” He studied me for a second, “You know, I don’t understand, why Palpatine didn’t just take you into his fold as soon as he found you what you were? He took many young force users and helped them to discover their full potential, so why not you? You would have made a perfect agent, one of his Emperor’s hands, with that gift that you have.”
“I grew up on Tatooine thinking I was the daughter of Docking Bay owner and an Alderaanian art historian. Who the hell comes to Tatooine looking for force sensitive children? Certainly not anyone from the Core. I kept my talents hidden and so did my family. It wasn’t until I got drafted to be Lord Vader’s office girl that it came to the forefront and by then I suppose I was too old and it was too late for the Emperor to find me of use.”
Ged shook his head. “No, I don’t buy that. You’re too good at what you do and you have too much talent for him not to want to put it to use.”
I thought about it all for a long moment. “I don’t know, to tell you the truth, really I don’t. It was Lord Vader who figured out what I was and he didn’t tell his master. Palpatine probably knew anyway but he liked to play games with Lord Vader and somehow I was caught up in the middle of that.” I shrugged. “The first time I met Lord Vader there was a connection, I don’t know how else to describe it. We connected. I wasn’t terrified of him, more curious at first. The fear of his temper came later and even then I didn’t mind so much. I suppose I imprinted on him the way a baby bantha will on the first being they see after birth, he was the first person not to treat my talents like some awful dirty secret. He embraced it, he nurtured it, he taught me and I guess I saw myself as his. He used to try and teach me the dark side, push me into anger, get me all riled up but it didn’t quite work the way he wanted to. I wasn’t interested in being powerful. It used to piss him off, eventually he got fed up and Palpatine saw that as well. After that it was the Emperor who guided me, nudged me in a different direction but it was done so subtly that at first I had no idea it was even happening. He didn’t even try, he knew couldn’t safely break whatever bond it was between Lord Vader and myself, and yes I know how ridiculous that sounds but it’s true. I suppose looking back now the truth of the matter was that I liked Lord Vader. I didn’t like Palpatine and when I don’t like someone I can be pretty stubborn about it.”
Ged laughed. “Stubborn is putting mildly.”
“I think that Palpatine figured he could wait it out, whatever it was. He even told me once that to try and break this connection I had forged with his apprentice would damage me and he was right. It took a long time to recover from Lord Vader‘s death and sometimes it still hurts. I know I came very close to madness on the Death Star at Endor. I’m sure that Palpatine’s methods eventually would have broken me completely but that didn’t happen and in the end it was my connection to Lord Vader that saved my life.” I stopped for a moment remembering the exact second Lord Vader had died. “It still hurts, you know, I still feel it the moment when he severed the mental link between us with the force, letting me go, it felt as though someone sliced through my brain with a rusty knife. I suppose that given enough time Palpatine would have bent my mind to his will but I’m glad he didn’t get the chance. I might not have been a good dark side adept but I am sure he would have found other ways to twist me. I know he used me and my relationships in a subtle sneaky way to get to Thrawn and even to needle Lord Vader on occasion. I’m not sorry he’s dead, I hated him.”
“Funny how we can see the same person in such different ways.”
I nodded thoughtfully then after a lengthy silence I said. “I am really sorry about your father.”
“Thank you.” He replied and I suddenly found myself wondering, just for a moment, what a life with Ged would have been like.
We had so much in common, and were alike in so many ways that in spite of our differences I felt sometimes as though I had known him all of my life. He was both handsome and intelligent, not to mention interesting and perhaps if I had met him before Thrawn things would have been radically different. My life would have changed and maybe he would have been able to deal with Jyrki better and less people I loved would have died but then I shook the thought out of my head. You cannot live a life on what ifs, my father would have said. And if I had thought tying my heart to that of a navy admiral was difficult then what would life be like with someone who ran an entire intelligence and black ops division. Being with Ged like that would be fun for a while but eventually all the secrets and the lying would drive me crazy. As if he could sense my thoughts he looked up at me questioningly.
“I’m sure he’s fine, you know.” He said and I was grateful he had misread my expression, or at least pretended to.
I took a deep breath and nodded. “I hope so as well because so much is riding on it.”
“Do you have reason to believe otherwise?”
I paused for a moment and swirled the brandy in my glass around and around. “Sometimes I have dreams where I see him dead.”
Ged snorted and set the cards in his hand down on the table. “I would think that this is normal given the job he does.”
“Probably.” I agreed. “But sometimes my dreams come true.”
That caught his attention. “Force visions?”
I poured two cups of tea and then sat down across from him again. “Maybe, I’ve had them for years. Thrawn brushes them off as nonsense.”
“Really? Describe them to me.”
I opened my mouth to refuse but the look on Ged’s face told me that would not work and he wanted to hear these dreams described. So I told him about the vision I had seen while in the Nona Shyr Gallery. Ged listened and when I was done he rubbed his chin thoughtfully.
“Are they all like that?”
“Mostly.”
“And the Admiral brushes them off? Really?”
“Well not so much brush them off, he keeps telling me he has it all well in hand.”
Ged rolled his eyes at me, “So you’re being a drama queen.”
I couldn’t think of a suitable retort fast enough so I resorted to sticking my tongue out at him.
“Seriously, you should trust him a whole lot more than you do. I’ve never known him to ignore good advice or stay a course that would get him or his people killed. That's part of what makes him such a brilliant leader.”
“Me either but there is always a first time.” I was feeling particularly gloomy after this conversation.
“Don’t suppose you dream about me do you?” He teased to lighten the mood.
“You wish!” I gave him a grin and hoped it came out mysterious. He just laughed and picked up the forgotten deck of cards.
“Pour me another shot lady and I’ll teach you how to play Aces High, one of the TIE pilots favourite games.”
He made it easy to forget about everything that had happened and by the time we rendezvoused with the Virulent I no longer felt as though the world would end. I was no longer laden down with guilt and although I would probably still tell Thrawn about what had taken place on Coruscant, because he definitely would want to know about what happened to Jarack, I no longer feared the consequences, after all he didn’t need all the details. I was just really looking forward to seeing him again.
.
“This is a crazy game, are you sure you’re not making it up?” Ged laughed as he finally won a round.
“Nope it’s real. I used to play it at Jabba’s palace sometimes with Boba Fett. Actually I learned it from him.” I smiled at the memory.
“Isn’t that one of the bounty hunters Vader used to hire?”
“Yeah.” I grinned grateful he didn’t get all weird about me knowing Fett the way so many people had. “I knew him from before that though; he’d show up at the docking bay my father owned from time to time to get his ship fixed and then sometimes we’d meet up at Jabba’s.”
“Do you miss it?” He asked suddenly, peering at me from over his cards.
“Miss what?”
“Tatooine, Jabba’s Palace and all that stuff?”
I shook my head. “Tatooine sometimes but not Jabba’s palace, I don’t miss that at all. It was another life in another time and when I think about it I wonder who that girl was because she’s long gone. What I miss more is Coruscant and how it used to be, before Endor, when there was still some sort of normal.” I smiled, “I miss my friends, the clothes, the excitement and a bunch of other things I never thought would matter to me. I know it’s not the same now, and I couldn’t go back there to live but for a while it was home and I loved it.”
“Well it was a glamorous life, even if it did mean putting up with Darth Vader.”
I smiled as I discarded one card and picked up another, “He wasn’t so bad once you got to know him.”
“Is that so?” He said with a teasing smirk.
I nodded. “He was brilliant. Did you know he built his own protocol droid when he was just a kid?”
Ged stared at the cards in his hand for a second and then took another card from the deck, “No I did not know that.”
“Or that he had a wife who had once been the Queen of Naboo? That they got married in secret because the Jedi didn’t allow love and that she died in childbirth but everyone who knew that lied about it to keep him away from his kids. I mean no wonder he went bonkers.”
This time Ged stopped looking at his cards to look at me. “I didn’t know that either. I mean I guessed there had to be a woman involved somewhere; he had a son, but a queen of Naboo? That’s news even to me and I thought I knew a lot about that man.”
I nodded, “My point is that most people never really saw him as a man. They saw him as some sort of evil monster and he wasn’t, well okay he could be but he was more than that.” I sighed returning my focus to my own hand of cards. “I hope that when this is all said and done people won’t see Thrawn the same way.”
“Well the Grand Admiral isn’t dressed from head to toe in scary black armour and he doesn’t force choke those who displease him, I’d say he’s off to a much better start, wouldn’t you?” Ged asked and then laid down a hand of cards that trumped mine winning a round.
“Hey!”
I watched as he gleefully removed a couple of cards from his sleeve and tossed them on the table. “I’m a quick study and you are easily distracted.”
I laughed. “I suppose a secret agent should be good at slipping cards up his sleeve though I never did learn the trick of it.”
“Make some tea and maybe I’ll reveal some of my secrets.”
I got up to put the kettle on and stood with my back leaning against the small counter while he reshuffled the cards.
“So what about you?” I asked.
“Oh there’s not that much to tell.” He gave me a one shoulder shrug.
At that comment, I grinned. “Which means there is lots to tell, so give it up fly-boy.”
“Well let’s see, my family has called Coruscant home since the dawn of the Old Republic. I grew up there when I wasn’t trailing around with my father in space. We have an estate out in the Sah’c Town area, two apartments in the coco district, and one not so far from the flat where your friends live. I used to call that home when I was on planet.”
“So we were actually neighbours of a sort.”
“Yes, I suppose so, though I wasn’t there very often.” He replied.
The kettle boiled and I busied myself making a pot of tea. “Do you miss it?”
“I used to but then, when I would be back on Coruscant, I would miss being onboard an ISD and it turned out that I missed space more in the end. I still have the properties though, I rent them out.”
“Nice.” I said with a nod. “Thrawn is like that you know, happier in space than on world.”
He nodded, “The navy is my life. The intelligence stuff came later. But for as long as I can remember I wanted to be a pilot, I wanted to fly.”
“I heard you got started young.” I said sipping my tea. “They called you the Emperor’s Boy Wonder, did you know that?”
“I did. I used to find it annoying now I just shake my head at the fuss.” He said with a grin, “I can remember pretending to be a TIE pilot as a little kid, playing make believe with toys and then later I graduated to simulators which I had access to when I travelled with my father.” He smiled at the memory, “I was good too, I even managed to outscore some of my father’s best pilots in the simulator. It was only natural that I end up at the Academy. I know a lot of people thought that I was given a free hand because of who my father was but that wasn’t the case. My father would never have had a man serving under him who had not pulled his weight at the Academy. I passed with more than flying colours because I worked at it. It was my passion.”
“You’re force sensitive that must have helped.”
“Perhaps it did but I never used it intentionally.” He said thoughtfully.
“Did they know about your talents? Your family, did they know?”
“The majority of my force abilities manifested much later in life and the small talents I did show we didn’t speak of it much.” His reply was quiet. “My parents lived through the Clone Wars, the Jedi purge. I had gifts that should have gotten me killed so we kept it ....”
“...dark.” I finished for him.
He nodded, “Yes, well you would know that wouldn’t you.”
“So if you kept it a secret then how did Palpatine find out?”
He drew a long slow breath and folded his hands around the cup of tea. He stared at the contents of his cup as though it held all the answers to the universe and then he looked at me and smiled slightly in that beguilingly boyish manner that I was sure made teenage girls weak in the knees. “Because I lost it.” He said with a shake of his head. “I just lost it.”
I frowned, not following. He swallowed and I suddenly understood that I wasn’t the only one carrying around battle scars. “If you don’t want to talk about it I understand.” I said.
He gave me another smile but this one was softer, held a hint of sadness and was far more intimate. “After all those terrible secrets you’ve shared with me, I think you deserve to hear at least one of mine.”
“Well then tea just won’t do it.” I stood up and dug two glasses and the emergency brandy out of the cupboard, then sat back down. Without asking him, I poured a generous shot and we touched glasses.
“Impressive! This is really good stuff.” He said savouring the taste.
“It should be I steal it from Thrawn and he’s a snob when it comes to this stuff.” I said with a tentative grin.
He nodded and then became serious. “It was unusual but not unheard of for members of the same family to be assigned on the same ship. When I graduated from Carida I was lucky. I got to work under my father on board the ISD Thunderer as a Commander and a flight leader. It was great, the Old man was cool about it and I pulled my weight, did well and got promoted. Things were good. Things were really, really good.” He studied the glass in his hand, “I’m guessing you know all too well that just when the world seems perfect things tend to go very wrong.”
“That’s generally been my experience.” I nodded.
“We had a good crew, a great ship. We had a decent sector to patrol in and my father was a well respected man. We had all heard about the rebellion, that there was unrest and fighting but it hadn’t really touched our lives in any great way. Then one day we were patrolling a non hostile sector, just a routine patrol, and suddenly things weren’t so routine anymore.” He stopped to down the rest of the brandy in his glass and didn’t refuse when I refilled the glass.
For a long moment he studied his glass thoughtfully. “I thought we were the good guys. I thought that the galactic worlds loved us. We kept space safe; we kept a lid on the smugglers and the war lords and made life easier for everyone. We did our jobs and we risked our lives every single day and for what? So a small group of ungrateful haters could swoop in and rewrite history?” He shook his head and sipped his drink. “I liked history so I read all about the Clone Wars, about the jedi and what happened. I read about how the Old Republic Senate had become so corrupt that they would not even help planets being blackmailed by thugs like the banking clan unless it was in someone’s best interest and the credits were high enough. Did people just forget all of that?”
“Yes.” I nodded, “They did.”
He shook his head and continued, “I also read reports that some people thought that Palpatine had engineered the entire thing, the war, the breakdown of the senate, his rise to power just so he could destroy the Jedi but you know what? That’s garbage. People are corrupt and all Palpatine did was show it. He didn’t start the war, he ended it. My mother was in the senate the day he declared us a galactic empire. She told me it was one of the most glorious things she had ever seen, that everyone cheered because they wanted Palpatine to lead. He was a good leader.” He looked at me. “I know things were not perfect but nothing ever is but these rebels, they came in thinking they were going to save the universe and in the process they destroyed so many lives and they called themselves heroes for doing it.” He stopped to consider his next words carefully. I could feel his anger and his sadness all around him and it made me ache with an all too familiar sorrow. This memory was painful.
“It was just another ordinary patrol. They came out of nowhere, a fleet of 5 MC-90 Heavy Calamari Cruisers and seven corvettes all carrying full compliments of squadrons. They jumped out of hyperspace practically on top of us. Oh how they must have congratulated themselves, a lone Imperial Star Destroyer with no reinforcements within a hundred light years, it was a gift, even armed to the teeth as we were, we were no match for their numbers.”
“My father didn’t waste any time. We launched the TIEs and we fought back with everything we could, we gave them a damned good fight. My father was brilliant, he used every trick in the book plus a few more that hadn’t been written and he held them off for a long time but in the end he was out numbered, we were outnumbered. The Thunderer’s shields eventually failed leading to a catastrophic hull breech.” He clenched his teeth against the bitterness of the memory which he could still see clearly in his mind. “When she exploded it was the most extraordinary and the most horrific thing I had ever seen. This huge, beautiful ship so full of people, so full of promise was suddenly gone in a brilliant flash of light and a shower of sparks. I watched it from the cockpit of my TIE, too far away to do anything else. That explosion took out three quarters of the rebel fleet along with my father and a good many of my friends.” He stopped and swallowed hard. “A part of me died that day and another part of me woke up.”
I sat with my hand covering my mouth and tears welled up in my eyes, I blinked them away to roll down my cheeks without me even realising it. “Oh Ged, I am so sorry. I had no idea.”
He reached over and touched my face, his fingers tracing the tracks my tears had made. “Tears for a man you never even knew, you really are extraordinary.” He spoke softly, as though he were talking more to himself than to me.
I brushed my tears and his hand away roughly, I was angry but I didn’t know why. We stared at each other for a very long moment and then he remembered he was telling a story, gathered himself and sat back against the back of the chair, distancing himself from me with a shake of his head. I understood then that, even with his pretty words and fine intentions of just being friends with me, it wasn’t quite so easy to completely shut off the feelings that lay beneath the surface. I wanted to reach out, take his hand to somehow give him comfort but I didn’t. He drew a breath and continued.
“They told me, after it was all over, that it was like watching a man gone mad but I don’t recall it much to be honest. I remember the explosion and that bizarre sense of disassociation. It wasn’t real, how could such a thing be real? My father, one moment he was there giving orders, the next he was stardust. How was that even possible? So I did the only thing I could, I stuck with my training and we went after the rest of the rebels with a vengeance. We shot them down like animals, every last one of them. By the time the battle was done the first of the reinforcements had begun to arrive. The next thing I know I’m back on Coruscant being awarded a bloody medal for my valiant effort.” He spat the last words with distaste and shook his head, “They said the Empire needed to see its heroes, but I didn’t understand. How could I be a hero when so many good people had died? Later, after the ceremony, the Emperor sent word he wished to speak with me alone in his private audience chamber, the small one, you know the one I mean right?”
I nodded. I knew it all too well and the memory made me shudder.
“He seemed so benevolent, like a kindly old uncle and not at all like the powerful man I had been used to seeing give speeches and so on. He told me he had heard about what had happened and he was curious as to how a mere boy could have done so much damage. I told him that I could barely remember what had occurred after my father’s death but he managed to get it out of me in that strange way of his. It was painful when it all came flooding back.”
I sighed loudly and drank a large gulp of the brandy. I had been on the receiving end of the Emperor’s ability to pull information out of thin air and I hadn’t enjoyed it very much.
“It turned out I had an aptitude for the darker side of the force. I had fed off my fury and hatred and let the force take over. I had been guided by it and because of this power we had managed to destroy our enemy or what was left of them.” Ged said with a slight shrug, “I resigned my commission after that meeting and I took some time to figure things out. I travelled, met people, studied and when I returned, well let’s just say the Emperor saw to it that my education did not get left by the wayside.”
“He trained you personally?”
“He had a hand in it.” Ged replied evasively. I didn’t push instead I let him continue; “He promoted me, gave me my own commission and sent me to take care of business in the Ryloth system, at least officially. Unofficially I began my work with the Bureau and followed in my mother’s footsteps.”
“Your mother?” I asked in surprise.
He nodded, “I thought for the longest time that she was some low level bureaucrat but it turned out she was working with intelligence as a signals expert. I used the front of being an Admiral and having an ISD at my command for missions and that was that until Endor. I should have been there but we had been delayed on another mission, perhaps if we had been there things might have gone a different way.”
“Everything changed at Endor.” I whispered.
He nodded. “I felt it you know, Palpatine’s death. I was on the bridge of my ship and it felt as though someone had suddenly sucked all the air out and I was suffocating. It was painful and bitter and I knew, in that moment, I knew that he was dead.”
“I think the whole galaxy felt it.” I shivered.
“Probably they did.” He nodded and we both sipped our drinks in silence.
“So, you studied the dark side of the force.”
He nodded, “As I said, I had an aptitude for it. Once I had broken through that barrier I was able to tap into it whenever I wanted and once I got the training I needed I could control it.” He studied me for a second, “You know, I don’t understand, why Palpatine didn’t just take you into his fold as soon as he found you what you were? He took many young force users and helped them to discover their full potential, so why not you? You would have made a perfect agent, one of his Emperor’s hands, with that gift that you have.”
“I grew up on Tatooine thinking I was the daughter of Docking Bay owner and an Alderaanian art historian. Who the hell comes to Tatooine looking for force sensitive children? Certainly not anyone from the Core. I kept my talents hidden and so did my family. It wasn’t until I got drafted to be Lord Vader’s office girl that it came to the forefront and by then I suppose I was too old and it was too late for the Emperor to find me of use.”
Ged shook his head. “No, I don’t buy that. You’re too good at what you do and you have too much talent for him not to want to put it to use.”
I thought about it all for a long moment. “I don’t know, to tell you the truth, really I don’t. It was Lord Vader who figured out what I was and he didn’t tell his master. Palpatine probably knew anyway but he liked to play games with Lord Vader and somehow I was caught up in the middle of that.” I shrugged. “The first time I met Lord Vader there was a connection, I don’t know how else to describe it. We connected. I wasn’t terrified of him, more curious at first. The fear of his temper came later and even then I didn’t mind so much. I suppose I imprinted on him the way a baby bantha will on the first being they see after birth, he was the first person not to treat my talents like some awful dirty secret. He embraced it, he nurtured it, he taught me and I guess I saw myself as his. He used to try and teach me the dark side, push me into anger, get me all riled up but it didn’t quite work the way he wanted to. I wasn’t interested in being powerful. It used to piss him off, eventually he got fed up and Palpatine saw that as well. After that it was the Emperor who guided me, nudged me in a different direction but it was done so subtly that at first I had no idea it was even happening. He didn’t even try, he knew couldn’t safely break whatever bond it was between Lord Vader and myself, and yes I know how ridiculous that sounds but it’s true. I suppose looking back now the truth of the matter was that I liked Lord Vader. I didn’t like Palpatine and when I don’t like someone I can be pretty stubborn about it.”
Ged laughed. “Stubborn is putting mildly.”
“I think that Palpatine figured he could wait it out, whatever it was. He even told me once that to try and break this connection I had forged with his apprentice would damage me and he was right. It took a long time to recover from Lord Vader‘s death and sometimes it still hurts. I know I came very close to madness on the Death Star at Endor. I’m sure that Palpatine’s methods eventually would have broken me completely but that didn’t happen and in the end it was my connection to Lord Vader that saved my life.” I stopped for a moment remembering the exact second Lord Vader had died. “It still hurts, you know, I still feel it the moment when he severed the mental link between us with the force, letting me go, it felt as though someone sliced through my brain with a rusty knife. I suppose that given enough time Palpatine would have bent my mind to his will but I’m glad he didn’t get the chance. I might not have been a good dark side adept but I am sure he would have found other ways to twist me. I know he used me and my relationships in a subtle sneaky way to get to Thrawn and even to needle Lord Vader on occasion. I’m not sorry he’s dead, I hated him.”
“Funny how we can see the same person in such different ways.”
I nodded thoughtfully then after a lengthy silence I said. “I am really sorry about your father.”
“Thank you.” He replied and I suddenly found myself wondering, just for a moment, what a life with Ged would have been like.
We had so much in common, and were alike in so many ways that in spite of our differences I felt sometimes as though I had known him all of my life. He was both handsome and intelligent, not to mention interesting and perhaps if I had met him before Thrawn things would have been radically different. My life would have changed and maybe he would have been able to deal with Jyrki better and less people I loved would have died but then I shook the thought out of my head. You cannot live a life on what ifs, my father would have said. And if I had thought tying my heart to that of a navy admiral was difficult then what would life be like with someone who ran an entire intelligence and black ops division. Being with Ged like that would be fun for a while but eventually all the secrets and the lying would drive me crazy. As if he could sense my thoughts he looked up at me questioningly.
“I’m sure he’s fine, you know.” He said and I was grateful he had misread my expression, or at least pretended to.
I took a deep breath and nodded. “I hope so as well because so much is riding on it.”
“Do you have reason to believe otherwise?”
I paused for a moment and swirled the brandy in my glass around and around. “Sometimes I have dreams where I see him dead.”
Ged snorted and set the cards in his hand down on the table. “I would think that this is normal given the job he does.”
“Probably.” I agreed. “But sometimes my dreams come true.”
That caught his attention. “Force visions?”
I poured two cups of tea and then sat down across from him again. “Maybe, I’ve had them for years. Thrawn brushes them off as nonsense.”
“Really? Describe them to me.”
I opened my mouth to refuse but the look on Ged’s face told me that would not work and he wanted to hear these dreams described. So I told him about the vision I had seen while in the Nona Shyr Gallery. Ged listened and when I was done he rubbed his chin thoughtfully.
“Are they all like that?”
“Mostly.”
“And the Admiral brushes them off? Really?”
“Well not so much brush them off, he keeps telling me he has it all well in hand.”
Ged rolled his eyes at me, “So you’re being a drama queen.”
I couldn’t think of a suitable retort fast enough so I resorted to sticking my tongue out at him.
“Seriously, you should trust him a whole lot more than you do. I’ve never known him to ignore good advice or stay a course that would get him or his people killed. That's part of what makes him such a brilliant leader.”
“Me either but there is always a first time.” I was feeling particularly gloomy after this conversation.
“Don’t suppose you dream about me do you?” He teased to lighten the mood.
“You wish!” I gave him a grin and hoped it came out mysterious. He just laughed and picked up the forgotten deck of cards.
“Pour me another shot lady and I’ll teach you how to play Aces High, one of the TIE pilots favourite games.”
He made it easy to forget about everything that had happened and by the time we rendezvoused with the Virulent I no longer felt as though the world would end. I was no longer laden down with guilt and although I would probably still tell Thrawn about what had taken place on Coruscant, because he definitely would want to know about what happened to Jarack, I no longer feared the consequences, after all he didn’t need all the details. I was just really looking forward to seeing him again.
.
14/05/2011
Endings and Beginnings 1
For the next few days I spent much of the flight avoiding Ged, which could be a hard to do on a spaceship but since it was my ship I knew all the best places to hide. I spent a great deal of time going over and over again what had happened on Coruscant, that Ged could stir me up and make my heart race with a kiss made me both angry at myself and worried. Even worse that he had pulled me into a situation which could have gotten us both killed. I didn’t know how I was going to explain any of this to Thrawn and it ate at me like a wamp rat gnawing on a bone. I would have avoided Ged for the entire trip but he wasn’t having any of that and eventually he cornered me in the cockpit.
“I thought you could use a cup of tea.” He said handing me the cup before sitting in the co-pilot’s chair.
“Thanks.” I said. “I figured you were sleeping. I didn’t want to disturb you.”
He shrugged one shoulder, “Sleep is overrated and what I really want to do is talk to you.”
I sighed and stared at the cup in my hands wondering if he would just get the hint and go away. He didn’t. The silence between us hung in the air until seeing that I wasn’t going to breech it he decided he would.
“Are you mad at me?” He asked bluntly.
Surprised, because it was actually the last thing I expected him to ask, I turned to look at him. “No.” I said and was a little shocked to discover it was the truth. I wasn’t mad at him at all, I was mad at myself.
“Then why are you avoiding me?”
Even if I had wanted to I could not have stopped the blush that coloured my cheeks.
“Oh.” Ged said with a slight smile. “I see.”
I wasn’t sure he did. I sighed again, hating the fact that no matter what I did every emotion I felt showed on my face. The new silence in the cockpit felt heavy and he had made certain I had nowhere to run so I just sat there avoiding eye contact staring at my cup of tea which had suddenly become very interesting to study.
He watched me for a long, quiet moment and then he asked. “May I ask you a very personal question?”
I mulled it over, wary. “How personal?”
“Personal enough that I’m sort of concerned you might hurt me, but I need to ask it anyway.”
I wasn’t sure what to expect but I nodded cautiously. “Okay, but I reserve the right to hurt you.”
“I’ll take my chances,” He said with a slight smile, “In all the time you have been with Thrawn have you ever slept with another man?”
“What!” I had not been expecting this and nearly coughed up my tea. “Excuse me?”
“It was a straight forward question.” He said calmly, “So have you?”
“No!” I replied sullenly hating this conversation long before it even really got started, “No, of course not.”
He considered this answer for a second then continued, “Have you ever wanted to? Really wanted to?”
I shook my head. “No.” I didn’t even have to think about this answer.
“But you’ve had ... chances? There have been other men interested in you, aside from me” He asked studying my face with great care.
“I suppose so.” My answer was tentative which made him raise an eyebrow in question. “I take it we’re not counting the ones who tried to take me by force.” I replied.
An expression flashed through his eyes that I had never seen before and wasn’t sure I ever wanted to again. “Take you by force? Are you telling me that someone....?”
I didn’t let him finish. “They have tried.” I said tightly and then because there was more concern and anger in his face than I liked I gave him the very quick and dirty rundown of some of my less than stellar encounters with the men who had thought I was an easy mark.
He sat very still for what felt like a very long time and when he finally did speak there was fury laced through his words. “I don’t even know what to say to that.”
I shrugged with one shoulder. “Some men seem to think they can just waltz in and take whatever they want whether it’s theirs to take or not.”
He blew out air noisily and shook his head. “Yes, sometimes men do and for that I apologise.”
“I can take care of myself.” I replied a little more hotly than I should have because it was not entirely the truth.
“I’m sure you can but this explains why the Admiral was so angry and why you reacted the way you did when I took advantage of the situation on the Virulent. You must think I am an absolute bastard.”
I managed to smile. “Maybe just a little.” I said jokingly but he didn’t return my smile. I sighed loudly and then because I felt the need to I said, “Really, it’s fine.”
“No Merlyn it’s not. I got quiet an earful from the Grand Admiral after you flew out of the Virulent in what can only be called fine dramatic style and trust me, now that I know a whole lot more about what has happened to you, it’s not okay. He was so angry and while he held it in check I have never seen him like that before, ever. I thought he was overreacting but now I see he wasn’t, he was being protective and rightly so.”
I sighed noisily. “I forget sometimes that Thrawn is not human, he doesn’t always react the way I expect him to. He was being protective and even though he claims he has all of his emotions tucked away nice and neat he doesn’t. He can be passionate and jealous, a mix which is something he doesn’t always handle very well, and it makes him...” I searched for the right word but couldn’t really find it, “...abrupt. He’s not always nice or polite about his reactions to some of the stupid situations I seem to find myself in.” I sighed and thought sometimes I don’t mind that from him, oddly enough but I didn’t say that last part out loud.
For a moment Ged didn’t say a word. I could tell he was angry but not at me. His jaw clenched and there was a hardness to his expression that hadn’t been there before. When he did speak his voice was tight. “I am sorry never the less.”
I shook my head at him. “Don’t put yourself in the same box as men like Zaarin because you are not like them at all.” I couldn’t believe we were actually having this conversation, “I like you, you’re a pretty decent guy for an Imperial Admiral but you complicated things at a time when things didn’t need to be complicated.”
“Complicated?” He asked. “How?”
“You gave me an option that had not been there before.” I said honestly. “It cause a bit of a stir.” Which was putting it mildly.
“An option?” Ged’s eyebrows raised a notch in surprise.
“Yes. Once I realised you thought about me in that way it was an open possibility for something I had never considered before, that maybe I could like another man in a similar way.” I nibbled on my pinkie nail, “As you see, I don’t have a lot of good experiences with men and Thrawn... well he was different. I had never been courted before. I don’t think he meant for things between us to become so serious but they did and then, suddenly, you came along and I like you, we get along so....” I shrugged again and tried to sort out my words before they became all tangled up. “Up until you no other man had managed to make me feel anything other than revulsion. Thrawn didn’t like seeing that very much, he isn’t used to having to vie for my affections like that and he didn’t deal with how that made him feel very well, though to be fair neither did I.” I sighed. “Thrawn gets a little unpredictable when his emotions become riled up whereas I tend to run away and hide. We had one hell of a fight after you showed up at my quarters that night and it was kind of embarrassing, you know. I pushed all the wrong buttons and so did he. We tend to do that to each other when we’re insecure. You made him insecure; you made me rethink my view on men. It scared the hell out of me as well as pissed me off, seriously you men you can be such morons some times. My response was to get as far away from the both of you as possible and hoped things sorted themselves out. I’ve never had the experience of dealing with two men that I actually like a lot who liked me back at the same time, in the same place. It was easier to avoid you lot altogether.”
He sat back in the co-pilot’s seat hard enough to make it rock a little. “Is that why you did not want to return to the Virulent?”
I smiled and shook my head, “No, I didn’t come back because I found out I was pregnant and given the high risk nature of that pregnancy I wasn’t going anywhere and please don’t ask me for details it’s still too difficult to talk about.” I took a deep steadying breath.
“I’m sorry.” He shook his head and I could see a bunch of emotions written on his face that didn’t need to be there.
I glanced at him. “You keep saying that but I wish you wouldn’t.” I set my teacup down and scrubbed at my face with both hands. “Had I not been pregnant I probably would have returned. I like working with you, I like you. I just didn’t know how to react to you liking me in that way but now I do.” I said plainly, “I’m not exactly useful on Nirauan anymore and I tend to do stupid things when I get bored. Thrawn felt I’d be safer on the Virulent with you.”
“After what happened he trusts me enough to send you back?”
“No Ged, he trusts me.” I said then thought and I blew it...again. I sighed heavily and Ged read the expression on my face correctly.
“So after all this time, Thrawn really is the only man you have ever...” He paused, for just a second, so I helped him.
“Had sex with?” I suggested bluntly.
“Yes.” Ged nodded.
“Yes, he is the only one.” I replied hating the embarrassment I felt. I was more than a little puzzled as to where this conversation was going. “Why are you asking me this Ged?”
He looked at his cup for a moment then at me. “We’ve hardly spoken since we left Coruscant air space. You avoid me like the plague and I don’t like it. I feel as though we have committed a crime when, in fact, that is not the case. I see guilt when you look at me, in your body language. I’m betting you’ve spent a good chunk of the time in here fretting about how to tell Thrawn about what happened on Coruscant, especially what happened in the detention cell, getting more and more worked up about it all until it’s this huge terrible thing when it is not.”
“And your point?” I asked.
“Well my point is that you have nothing to fret about. I told you there was a reason for doing it that way.”
I scowled at him. “I think your exact words were this was better than the alternative.”
His grin was charming. “You have many force talents but you don’t throw force lightening do you?”
I shook my head. “My talents lie in other places and the darker arts never appealed to me much. They tend to give me a headache.” This was a big understatement.
“Does using the force tire you? When you read objects does that drain you?”
I nodded.
He drew a deep breath. “Using force lightening is very difficult at the best of times and it requires a hell of a lot of energy to call up, especially if one wants to direct it in specific directions. You showed me that you could transfer force energy with that little mind trick which meant we could work together and that I could pull more energy through you without hurting you.” He paused to make sure I was following him.
I made a get on with it gesture.
“Okay, well three of the most powerful energy drives that I know about are lust, hate and anger and I figured it was easier to go with the lust and it’s a lot more fun. I didn’t want to waste time trying to make you angry enough and I don’t want you to hate me. I knew after what had happened on the Virulent that there was enough chemistry between us that I could kiss you and that would stir you up enough to get the job done. While anger and hatred have their place desire is a lot easier to manipulate.”
I sighed. “Being manipulated into sucking face with you and then enjoying it doesn’t make me feel better about it.”
“Enjoyable as it was, it was a means to an end.” He replied simply, “Look, both you and the Admiral have made it quite clear to me that you are spoken for and I don’t have to be told twice to back off.”
I made a face and was about to argue that point but he waved a hand to stop me from interrupting.
“I don’t need to be a genius to know who it is that has your heart. Your loyalty to him is admirable and, quite frankly, amazing especially given the amount of time you two are apart and yet still you are his. Now I know nothing can change that, especially not a single kiss from me, for goodness sakes your whole being lights up whenever he’s in the room and you don’t do that for me.” He took a deep breath, “Look, I’m sorry Merly, about what happened when you were on the Virulent before. I pushed even though I knew better, I pushed anyway.”
“Why?”
“Are you really that blind?”
I glared at him.
“How is it that you can’t see it?” He sighed. “You’re lovely and unique and it isn’t as though there’s a dearth of beautiful, intelligent females in the Imperial Navy. I just....” He shrugged unable to finish his sentence.
“You just let the wrong brain think for you?” I asked snarkily.
“You could put it like that.” He chuckled. “If you could only see yourself through the eyes of those who adore you then you would be overwhelmed and very surprised that not more of us male idiots try to steal kisses from you in the hanger bay.”
“Good that they don’t, there’d be a lot of people in the med-lab.” I grumbled.
“You are such a passionate person that I am guessing you have some pretty strong empathy talents lying hidden deep inside. It’s easy to get physical and be stirred up by a kiss and, not meaning to boast or anything, I’m pretty good at what I can do in that department, however, it’s a whole other thing to take it further than a bit of flirting.”
“Is there a point to this speech?” I asked sulkily.
“Yes,” He sighed, “Just because there is an attraction between us doesn’t mean there is anything more.”
“Are you so sure?” I asked cautiously.
“Yes.” He replied without hesitation.
“Why?”
“Because I’m not the man you are in love with.” He said simply.
Much to my dismay I blushed again and when I didn’t have anything to say he continued with a shake of his head, “Merlyn, you are wonderfully chaotic and I would be lying if I said I had not considered the possibility of us together. You really have no idea the effect you have on us foolish men.”
“I’m just an ordinary girl from Tatooine, Ged. I look in a mirror and see only me, usually with grease on my nose and my hair looking like wamp-rat tails. I don’t see myself the way you or Thrawn do. I don’t even know what it is I do that makes you men act like idiots where I am concerned.”
“Perhaps that is the reason.” He said gently.
My shrug was self conscious and I made a point of studying my hands closely. “So men like clueless, untidy and unpredictable women?” I said making a half hearted joke.
“Men like women.” He replied. “Some men, smart men, will tend to gravitate more towards complicated and intelligent rather than vapid and beautiful. Except for vapid you are all of these things and to top that off you don’t even seem to know you are all of these things so we can add naive to the list as well which is a pretty heady mixture. You are a temptation that is hard to resist.”
I hated being described out loud and the look I gave him told him I was not happy with this conversation. “You know if you have a point do you think you could get to it any time soon?”
He sighed, “Maybe, just maybe, if I seduced you hard enough you’d fall into a moment of madness and sleep with me but that’s all it would be, a moment. Then after that there would be a lifetime of regret, guilt, resentment and eventually even hate. Betraying the man you love for a night of pleasure with another would break you and that’s a guilt I don’t want.” He paused for a moment, “I see it already starting you know, I reach for your hand to comfort you, to express my thanks and you pull back all wary and mistrustful. You do your best to avoid me which is no mean feat in a small ship. I don’t like that very much. I liked it better when things were easy between us, when we were friends and I screwed that up not you.”
There was nothing I could say to this that wouldn’t come out wrong so I kept my mouth shut.
He drank some tea then looked at me. “What happened on Coruscant was necessary. What I did takes a lot of energy, far too much for me alone unless I want a lot of wrinkles or an early grave, which I don’t, so I used you as well. I. Used. You.” He paused to let the words sink in and then continued, “You’ve never been really trained to contain your emotions so you are like an ungrounded power coupling; all I did was direct that energy in a way I could use it quickly. It was the easiest way to get out of that situation with minimum risk. You can tell the Admiral if you feel you must but I don’t think you need to.” He sighed. “I know there is a spark between us and I enjoy it greatly but in this lifetime, in this universe your heart belongs to someone else, a man that, in spite of how it may seem, I respect greatly. I do not need to make enemies out of either of you simply over my libido.”
“But that....” I started but he kept on speaking so I shut up.
“Men sometimes do stupid things and now I know you’ve experienced more than your fair share of this sort of stupid. What I did on board the Virulent was stupid and now that I see what it did to you I am really sorry.” He said firmly, “I have never coerced a woman to my bed against her will in my life and I am not about to begin now. I overstepped my bounds on the Virulent and for that I apologise for that but what I did on Coruscant was just a fun way to get out of a bad situation. It won’t happen again.”
I stared at him feeling a bizarre sense of loss. He was right with everything he was saying and yet it made me sad. I fought back sudden and unwanted tears because I also felt insanely relieved and grateful. He just watched me in silence waiting for me to process it all.
“So now what?” I eventually asked.
“Well you try to forgive me for being an ass, I’ll forgive you for being a royal pain in the rear and we leave what happened on Coruscant behind.”
“Okay.” I said after a moment of weighty quiet. “I guess I can do that.”
He grinned. “And I have a favour to ask of you.”
“What?” I asked crossly.
“Will you please stop avoiding me?” He said as though it were the most obvious thing to ask in the galaxy.
I sighed, trying to decipher my feelings and nodded. “Okay I think I can manage that as well.”
“So we’re friends?” He asked.
I looked at him. “Friends...?” I asked not quite believing this entire conversation had even happened, “Isn’t that supposed to be my line? I thought most men hated that word.”
“Well in case you haven’t figured it out yet, I am not most men.” He chuckled. “Merly, I’ve said this before but it bears repeating, you are gifted force-sensitive and that alone makes you special. You lived and worked in the same Imperial world I did but you are not under my command so I am free to talk with you about anything I wish which is rare, believe me. We have a lot in common. So yes, I hope that we can stay friends because believe it or not I could use a good friend and I think that you could too.” He said sounding very un-Ged like, “If you’re okay with that?”
I bit my lip and nodded feeling inexplicably relieved as though somehow he had managed to life a huge weight off my back. I didn’t know what to say to him so I said the only thing that made sense to me. “Thank you.”
“Now, for the love of Palpatine stop brooding.”
“I don’t brood!”
“Oh yes you do and it’s very tedious. I honestly do not know how Thrawn puts up with you sometimes.” He said getting up. “I’m going to make us some supper now, care to join me?”
“You’re cooking?”
“Yes, new rule on this boat, I cook and you stay away from the stove.” He said. “That stuff you call food would kill a hutt.”
I laughed, which felt good, and just like that the rift that had been between us closed. “I’ve heard that before too but you can’t banish me from my own ship’s galley.”
“Try me.” Was his tart reply.
I decided it would be wiser not to.
.
“I thought you could use a cup of tea.” He said handing me the cup before sitting in the co-pilot’s chair.
“Thanks.” I said. “I figured you were sleeping. I didn’t want to disturb you.”
He shrugged one shoulder, “Sleep is overrated and what I really want to do is talk to you.”
I sighed and stared at the cup in my hands wondering if he would just get the hint and go away. He didn’t. The silence between us hung in the air until seeing that I wasn’t going to breech it he decided he would.
“Are you mad at me?” He asked bluntly.
Surprised, because it was actually the last thing I expected him to ask, I turned to look at him. “No.” I said and was a little shocked to discover it was the truth. I wasn’t mad at him at all, I was mad at myself.
“Then why are you avoiding me?”
Even if I had wanted to I could not have stopped the blush that coloured my cheeks.
“Oh.” Ged said with a slight smile. “I see.”
I wasn’t sure he did. I sighed again, hating the fact that no matter what I did every emotion I felt showed on my face. The new silence in the cockpit felt heavy and he had made certain I had nowhere to run so I just sat there avoiding eye contact staring at my cup of tea which had suddenly become very interesting to study.
He watched me for a long, quiet moment and then he asked. “May I ask you a very personal question?”
I mulled it over, wary. “How personal?”
“Personal enough that I’m sort of concerned you might hurt me, but I need to ask it anyway.”
I wasn’t sure what to expect but I nodded cautiously. “Okay, but I reserve the right to hurt you.”
“I’ll take my chances,” He said with a slight smile, “In all the time you have been with Thrawn have you ever slept with another man?”
“What!” I had not been expecting this and nearly coughed up my tea. “Excuse me?”
“It was a straight forward question.” He said calmly, “So have you?”
“No!” I replied sullenly hating this conversation long before it even really got started, “No, of course not.”
He considered this answer for a second then continued, “Have you ever wanted to? Really wanted to?”
I shook my head. “No.” I didn’t even have to think about this answer.
“But you’ve had ... chances? There have been other men interested in you, aside from me” He asked studying my face with great care.
“I suppose so.” My answer was tentative which made him raise an eyebrow in question. “I take it we’re not counting the ones who tried to take me by force.” I replied.
An expression flashed through his eyes that I had never seen before and wasn’t sure I ever wanted to again. “Take you by force? Are you telling me that someone....?”
I didn’t let him finish. “They have tried.” I said tightly and then because there was more concern and anger in his face than I liked I gave him the very quick and dirty rundown of some of my less than stellar encounters with the men who had thought I was an easy mark.
He sat very still for what felt like a very long time and when he finally did speak there was fury laced through his words. “I don’t even know what to say to that.”
I shrugged with one shoulder. “Some men seem to think they can just waltz in and take whatever they want whether it’s theirs to take or not.”
He blew out air noisily and shook his head. “Yes, sometimes men do and for that I apologise.”
“I can take care of myself.” I replied a little more hotly than I should have because it was not entirely the truth.
“I’m sure you can but this explains why the Admiral was so angry and why you reacted the way you did when I took advantage of the situation on the Virulent. You must think I am an absolute bastard.”
I managed to smile. “Maybe just a little.” I said jokingly but he didn’t return my smile. I sighed loudly and then because I felt the need to I said, “Really, it’s fine.”
“No Merlyn it’s not. I got quiet an earful from the Grand Admiral after you flew out of the Virulent in what can only be called fine dramatic style and trust me, now that I know a whole lot more about what has happened to you, it’s not okay. He was so angry and while he held it in check I have never seen him like that before, ever. I thought he was overreacting but now I see he wasn’t, he was being protective and rightly so.”
I sighed noisily. “I forget sometimes that Thrawn is not human, he doesn’t always react the way I expect him to. He was being protective and even though he claims he has all of his emotions tucked away nice and neat he doesn’t. He can be passionate and jealous, a mix which is something he doesn’t always handle very well, and it makes him...” I searched for the right word but couldn’t really find it, “...abrupt. He’s not always nice or polite about his reactions to some of the stupid situations I seem to find myself in.” I sighed and thought sometimes I don’t mind that from him, oddly enough but I didn’t say that last part out loud.
For a moment Ged didn’t say a word. I could tell he was angry but not at me. His jaw clenched and there was a hardness to his expression that hadn’t been there before. When he did speak his voice was tight. “I am sorry never the less.”
I shook my head at him. “Don’t put yourself in the same box as men like Zaarin because you are not like them at all.” I couldn’t believe we were actually having this conversation, “I like you, you’re a pretty decent guy for an Imperial Admiral but you complicated things at a time when things didn’t need to be complicated.”
“Complicated?” He asked. “How?”
“You gave me an option that had not been there before.” I said honestly. “It cause a bit of a stir.” Which was putting it mildly.
“An option?” Ged’s eyebrows raised a notch in surprise.
“Yes. Once I realised you thought about me in that way it was an open possibility for something I had never considered before, that maybe I could like another man in a similar way.” I nibbled on my pinkie nail, “As you see, I don’t have a lot of good experiences with men and Thrawn... well he was different. I had never been courted before. I don’t think he meant for things between us to become so serious but they did and then, suddenly, you came along and I like you, we get along so....” I shrugged again and tried to sort out my words before they became all tangled up. “Up until you no other man had managed to make me feel anything other than revulsion. Thrawn didn’t like seeing that very much, he isn’t used to having to vie for my affections like that and he didn’t deal with how that made him feel very well, though to be fair neither did I.” I sighed. “Thrawn gets a little unpredictable when his emotions become riled up whereas I tend to run away and hide. We had one hell of a fight after you showed up at my quarters that night and it was kind of embarrassing, you know. I pushed all the wrong buttons and so did he. We tend to do that to each other when we’re insecure. You made him insecure; you made me rethink my view on men. It scared the hell out of me as well as pissed me off, seriously you men you can be such morons some times. My response was to get as far away from the both of you as possible and hoped things sorted themselves out. I’ve never had the experience of dealing with two men that I actually like a lot who liked me back at the same time, in the same place. It was easier to avoid you lot altogether.”
He sat back in the co-pilot’s seat hard enough to make it rock a little. “Is that why you did not want to return to the Virulent?”
I smiled and shook my head, “No, I didn’t come back because I found out I was pregnant and given the high risk nature of that pregnancy I wasn’t going anywhere and please don’t ask me for details it’s still too difficult to talk about.” I took a deep steadying breath.
“I’m sorry.” He shook his head and I could see a bunch of emotions written on his face that didn’t need to be there.
I glanced at him. “You keep saying that but I wish you wouldn’t.” I set my teacup down and scrubbed at my face with both hands. “Had I not been pregnant I probably would have returned. I like working with you, I like you. I just didn’t know how to react to you liking me in that way but now I do.” I said plainly, “I’m not exactly useful on Nirauan anymore and I tend to do stupid things when I get bored. Thrawn felt I’d be safer on the Virulent with you.”
“After what happened he trusts me enough to send you back?”
“No Ged, he trusts me.” I said then thought and I blew it...again. I sighed heavily and Ged read the expression on my face correctly.
“So after all this time, Thrawn really is the only man you have ever...” He paused, for just a second, so I helped him.
“Had sex with?” I suggested bluntly.
“Yes.” Ged nodded.
“Yes, he is the only one.” I replied hating the embarrassment I felt. I was more than a little puzzled as to where this conversation was going. “Why are you asking me this Ged?”
He looked at his cup for a moment then at me. “We’ve hardly spoken since we left Coruscant air space. You avoid me like the plague and I don’t like it. I feel as though we have committed a crime when, in fact, that is not the case. I see guilt when you look at me, in your body language. I’m betting you’ve spent a good chunk of the time in here fretting about how to tell Thrawn about what happened on Coruscant, especially what happened in the detention cell, getting more and more worked up about it all until it’s this huge terrible thing when it is not.”
“And your point?” I asked.
“Well my point is that you have nothing to fret about. I told you there was a reason for doing it that way.”
I scowled at him. “I think your exact words were this was better than the alternative.”
His grin was charming. “You have many force talents but you don’t throw force lightening do you?”
I shook my head. “My talents lie in other places and the darker arts never appealed to me much. They tend to give me a headache.” This was a big understatement.
“Does using the force tire you? When you read objects does that drain you?”
I nodded.
He drew a deep breath. “Using force lightening is very difficult at the best of times and it requires a hell of a lot of energy to call up, especially if one wants to direct it in specific directions. You showed me that you could transfer force energy with that little mind trick which meant we could work together and that I could pull more energy through you without hurting you.” He paused to make sure I was following him.
I made a get on with it gesture.
“Okay, well three of the most powerful energy drives that I know about are lust, hate and anger and I figured it was easier to go with the lust and it’s a lot more fun. I didn’t want to waste time trying to make you angry enough and I don’t want you to hate me. I knew after what had happened on the Virulent that there was enough chemistry between us that I could kiss you and that would stir you up enough to get the job done. While anger and hatred have their place desire is a lot easier to manipulate.”
I sighed. “Being manipulated into sucking face with you and then enjoying it doesn’t make me feel better about it.”
“Enjoyable as it was, it was a means to an end.” He replied simply, “Look, both you and the Admiral have made it quite clear to me that you are spoken for and I don’t have to be told twice to back off.”
I made a face and was about to argue that point but he waved a hand to stop me from interrupting.
“I don’t need to be a genius to know who it is that has your heart. Your loyalty to him is admirable and, quite frankly, amazing especially given the amount of time you two are apart and yet still you are his. Now I know nothing can change that, especially not a single kiss from me, for goodness sakes your whole being lights up whenever he’s in the room and you don’t do that for me.” He took a deep breath, “Look, I’m sorry Merly, about what happened when you were on the Virulent before. I pushed even though I knew better, I pushed anyway.”
“Why?”
“Are you really that blind?”
I glared at him.
“How is it that you can’t see it?” He sighed. “You’re lovely and unique and it isn’t as though there’s a dearth of beautiful, intelligent females in the Imperial Navy. I just....” He shrugged unable to finish his sentence.
“You just let the wrong brain think for you?” I asked snarkily.
“You could put it like that.” He chuckled. “If you could only see yourself through the eyes of those who adore you then you would be overwhelmed and very surprised that not more of us male idiots try to steal kisses from you in the hanger bay.”
“Good that they don’t, there’d be a lot of people in the med-lab.” I grumbled.
“You are such a passionate person that I am guessing you have some pretty strong empathy talents lying hidden deep inside. It’s easy to get physical and be stirred up by a kiss and, not meaning to boast or anything, I’m pretty good at what I can do in that department, however, it’s a whole other thing to take it further than a bit of flirting.”
“Is there a point to this speech?” I asked sulkily.
“Yes,” He sighed, “Just because there is an attraction between us doesn’t mean there is anything more.”
“Are you so sure?” I asked cautiously.
“Yes.” He replied without hesitation.
“Why?”
“Because I’m not the man you are in love with.” He said simply.
Much to my dismay I blushed again and when I didn’t have anything to say he continued with a shake of his head, “Merlyn, you are wonderfully chaotic and I would be lying if I said I had not considered the possibility of us together. You really have no idea the effect you have on us foolish men.”
“I’m just an ordinary girl from Tatooine, Ged. I look in a mirror and see only me, usually with grease on my nose and my hair looking like wamp-rat tails. I don’t see myself the way you or Thrawn do. I don’t even know what it is I do that makes you men act like idiots where I am concerned.”
“Perhaps that is the reason.” He said gently.
My shrug was self conscious and I made a point of studying my hands closely. “So men like clueless, untidy and unpredictable women?” I said making a half hearted joke.
“Men like women.” He replied. “Some men, smart men, will tend to gravitate more towards complicated and intelligent rather than vapid and beautiful. Except for vapid you are all of these things and to top that off you don’t even seem to know you are all of these things so we can add naive to the list as well which is a pretty heady mixture. You are a temptation that is hard to resist.”
I hated being described out loud and the look I gave him told him I was not happy with this conversation. “You know if you have a point do you think you could get to it any time soon?”
He sighed, “Maybe, just maybe, if I seduced you hard enough you’d fall into a moment of madness and sleep with me but that’s all it would be, a moment. Then after that there would be a lifetime of regret, guilt, resentment and eventually even hate. Betraying the man you love for a night of pleasure with another would break you and that’s a guilt I don’t want.” He paused for a moment, “I see it already starting you know, I reach for your hand to comfort you, to express my thanks and you pull back all wary and mistrustful. You do your best to avoid me which is no mean feat in a small ship. I don’t like that very much. I liked it better when things were easy between us, when we were friends and I screwed that up not you.”
There was nothing I could say to this that wouldn’t come out wrong so I kept my mouth shut.
He drank some tea then looked at me. “What happened on Coruscant was necessary. What I did takes a lot of energy, far too much for me alone unless I want a lot of wrinkles or an early grave, which I don’t, so I used you as well. I. Used. You.” He paused to let the words sink in and then continued, “You’ve never been really trained to contain your emotions so you are like an ungrounded power coupling; all I did was direct that energy in a way I could use it quickly. It was the easiest way to get out of that situation with minimum risk. You can tell the Admiral if you feel you must but I don’t think you need to.” He sighed. “I know there is a spark between us and I enjoy it greatly but in this lifetime, in this universe your heart belongs to someone else, a man that, in spite of how it may seem, I respect greatly. I do not need to make enemies out of either of you simply over my libido.”
“But that....” I started but he kept on speaking so I shut up.
“Men sometimes do stupid things and now I know you’ve experienced more than your fair share of this sort of stupid. What I did on board the Virulent was stupid and now that I see what it did to you I am really sorry.” He said firmly, “I have never coerced a woman to my bed against her will in my life and I am not about to begin now. I overstepped my bounds on the Virulent and for that I apologise for that but what I did on Coruscant was just a fun way to get out of a bad situation. It won’t happen again.”
I stared at him feeling a bizarre sense of loss. He was right with everything he was saying and yet it made me sad. I fought back sudden and unwanted tears because I also felt insanely relieved and grateful. He just watched me in silence waiting for me to process it all.
“So now what?” I eventually asked.
“Well you try to forgive me for being an ass, I’ll forgive you for being a royal pain in the rear and we leave what happened on Coruscant behind.”
“Okay.” I said after a moment of weighty quiet. “I guess I can do that.”
He grinned. “And I have a favour to ask of you.”
“What?” I asked crossly.
“Will you please stop avoiding me?” He said as though it were the most obvious thing to ask in the galaxy.
I sighed, trying to decipher my feelings and nodded. “Okay I think I can manage that as well.”
“So we’re friends?” He asked.
I looked at him. “Friends...?” I asked not quite believing this entire conversation had even happened, “Isn’t that supposed to be my line? I thought most men hated that word.”
“Well in case you haven’t figured it out yet, I am not most men.” He chuckled. “Merly, I’ve said this before but it bears repeating, you are gifted force-sensitive and that alone makes you special. You lived and worked in the same Imperial world I did but you are not under my command so I am free to talk with you about anything I wish which is rare, believe me. We have a lot in common. So yes, I hope that we can stay friends because believe it or not I could use a good friend and I think that you could too.” He said sounding very un-Ged like, “If you’re okay with that?”
I bit my lip and nodded feeling inexplicably relieved as though somehow he had managed to life a huge weight off my back. I didn’t know what to say to him so I said the only thing that made sense to me. “Thank you.”
“Now, for the love of Palpatine stop brooding.”
“I don’t brood!”
“Oh yes you do and it’s very tedious. I honestly do not know how Thrawn puts up with you sometimes.” He said getting up. “I’m going to make us some supper now, care to join me?”
“You’re cooking?”
“Yes, new rule on this boat, I cook and you stay away from the stove.” He said. “That stuff you call food would kill a hutt.”
I laughed, which felt good, and just like that the rift that had been between us closed. “I’ve heard that before too but you can’t banish me from my own ship’s galley.”
“Try me.” Was his tart reply.
I decided it would be wiser not to.
.
08/05/2011
The Things We Leave Behind 10
My ship had been a gift or, better to say, a reward for a job well done. She was really the only thing that was truly mine and I loved her. Lord Vader had named her after his long dead wife and Thrawn had translated that name into his native language. I had lost count of many hours I had logged in space in this ship but she was my second home, I stored my most precious belongings in my ship and I knew almost every nut and bolt, shimmy and whine of her engines.
While Ged slept and recovered, I spent a fair amount of time in the engine room. It was warmer than the rest of the ship and it gave me something to do. There was nothing wrong but I liked to check and double check everything all the same. When I wasn’t messing around in the engine room I was in the cockpit reading or studying star charts. Lord Vader had been almost an encyclopaedia of knowledge about star system and their planets and I had learned from his example. All knowledge was worth having Thrawn liked to say and he wasn’t wrong.
I missed Lord Vader greatly. He had been unpredictable, bad tempered and often harsh but I had learned to see beyond all of that. I had learned to love him, after a fashion, and his death still left a gaping hole in my life which surprised me. It felt to me that my entire life had been marred by the deaths of people I loved and now I mourned for Jarack as well.
When Thrawn had confirmed that it was Jarack who had gone missing I had hoped for his safe return. Jarack had been a quiet constant in my life for years, delivering letters, playing messenger and becoming a friend whose presence always brightened my day. Seeing his death through the images from the data chip Ged had given me had been like a slap on the face and now that I had time to process it I cried for his loss.
As we travelled through the quieter hyperspace lanes it felt to me as though the entire galaxy was holding its breath, waiting for whatever was about to happen next to decide the course of history. It was a turning point and I sincerely hoped that Thrawn could accomplish because what he was trying to do. I had the feeling that if the Empire was not somehow re-established then chaos would ensue.
We were too far off the main hyperspace lanes to receive reliable holo transmissions so there was no way to know how things were going or what had happened on Coruscant with the arrival of Thrawn’s fleet.
I wished I had known more about his plans but he had never one to let me in on his military secrets. I suppose it was his way of keeping his private life separate from his military one but often I felt very left out. There was an entire galaxy of things I didn’t know about the man I shared my bed with and, mostly because I was nosey and wanted to know everything, I found this a little frustrating. I prayed that he could retake Coruscant and re-establish Imperial rule so that we could all have some sort of normal life, not that I really knew what normal was but I hoped I could get used to it.
In between the engine room and the cockpit was the tiny galley and it was here Ged found me when he woke up. His presence changed the atmosphere but I tried not to let it show.
He sat down stiffly and gestured to the cup in my hand. “Is there more of that? I’m thirsty.”
“You should be resting.” I told him as I got up to make him tea and something to eat.
“I’ve rested enough.” He replied. “How long have I been out for anyway?”
“Nearly two days.”
“You sedated me for two days?” He asked with an edge of anger in his voice.
“No, you really were just asleep for most of it. I pumped you full sedatives and pain killers so I could clean the wound and stitch you up because you were being a poo-doo head but after that I only kept up with the pain meds, not more sedation. You came out of it a couple of times but only for a few moments. The rest was all you, your body needed time to heal, it happens sometimes after being badly injured with pointed stick thing to the gut.” He nodded and accepted the cup of mint tea I gave him. “There’s honey in it, drink it all. You’re dehydrated.”
He cradled his hands around the cup, “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” I said as I sat back down. “I hope you like it, it comes from Tatooine.”
“No I meant for fixing me up. I didn’t know you were a medic on top of all your other skills.”
“Oh.” I shook my head with a laugh, “No I’m not a medic Ged, I just learned some basic first aid.”
“You could have fooled me.” He said. “I took a look at the job you did on me and it’s pretty good all things considered.”
I nodded. “I watched carefully as someone patched me up and I have a great memory.” I lied a little, I didn’t want to have to explain about my relationship with the Dantassi, that was far too private.
Ged raised his eyebrows at me. “Patched you up?”
I shifted around in the seat and hiked up my skirt to show him the still vivid white scar that adorned my thigh.
Ged swore. “How the hell did you get that?”
“It’s a long story.” I said smoothing out my skirt again.
“And you don’t want to talk about it?”
“Do you want to talk about why Lee Vander went after you like that? Why he turned traitor?”
Ged made a face and rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “I see your point but you deserve to know some of it at least.” He sighed and took a sip from the still too hot tea. “It was a command decision I had to make a long time ago. I can’t go into details but it had to do with a ground op that went terribly wrong. I had a choice to make and regardless of how I chose people were going to die. I had to choose how many, I chose the smaller number.”
“It was a mess. We all lost people we knew.” He drew a deep breath. “Unfortunately, among those who died were two of Lee’s best friends and, although I didn’t know it at the time, also his lover.” He stared into the mug he was holding. “It never occurred to me that he couldn’t handle it, that even though he was one of the best pilots and agents I ever had the privilege of serving with, he was trained for these sorts of incidents, trained to kill without impunity and yet he couldn’t get past this one incident. How he must have hated me to have carried that hatred for so long and I never saw it. All that time he was lying to me and I never saw it once.” He was suddenly so sad and I didn’t know what to do about it. Lee had been his friend but had also betrayed him and that was a difficult thing to reconcile with. I understood that probably better than most.
“Sometimes it’s hard to see especially from people we love and think we know. Most of the time I think they can be the hardest of all to read.” I remarked.
He nodded. “You know, the Grand Admiral knew I planned on asking for your help, you know, to retrieve Jarack Behl. He told me that you were well suited for just such a job although I don’t think he liked the idea much.”
“I do know,” I replied with a small nod, “He mentioned it to me but I wasn’t in much shape to go gallivanting across the galaxy on some hopped up rescue mission and in the end maybe that’s a good thing, after all now you know who your traitor was and he’s been dealt with.”
“I had no idea it would turn into such a clusterfuck though. I had not expected that at all. I figured it would be a straight forward in and out job because I trusted my source. I trusted Lee with my life, what a joke that turned out to be. If you hadn’t been there I might very well be dead. Whether you like it or not, that little trick of yours in being able to pull the memories from objects saved my life, saved our lives.”
I wasn’t going to argue with him. “I’m sorry about Jarack.”
Ged regarded me for a moment and then said, “So, the scar on your leg, how did you manage to get that because a bacta treatment shouldn’t have left such a scar.”
“I was on the wrong end of a hunt and a dip in a tank was out of the question.” I said cryptically.
“A hunt?” He asked with a healthy amount of skepticism. “What the hell were you hunting?”
“I wasn’t hunting anyone. I was the one being hunted.” I said tightly. It surprised me that I was still angry over what had happened on Myrkr.
Perhaps he sensed that because he didn’t press further, “Who patched you up?”
I mulled over my answer for a bit then told him. “Thrawn did.” And then seeing the look on his face I decided that perhaps I had better explain a little more. “He was looking for something on a planet called Myrkr and we ended up being hunted by a lunatic named Ormante who thought he could outwit Thrawn. It wasn’t pretty and that’s where I got the scar on my leg.”
“Myrkr? You’ve mentioned that name once before but I don’t know much about the planet.”
“No one does really, or at least mostly no one unless you count smugglers and thieves who use the planet as a hide out. The planet was removed from the Imperial Planetary database at Palpatine’s request.”
“Why?”
I smiled. “Because of what lives there.” I said and then tried as best I could to explain about the ysalamiri and the vornskrs.
“The creatures that can repel the force? The ones he has on board the Chimaera?” Ged whispered, “No wonder Palpatine wanted that planet kept hidden but what did Thrawn want with them on Nirauan? I remember you mentioned the subbasement was full of them but you didn’t say why. I thought he was using them to keep that dark Jedi clone of his in line”
“He needed them for his cloning project. It has something to do with preventing cloning sickness when a clone is grown at accelerated speed. ”
“That explains his success. I thought he was using pre existing clones while waiting for his own to mature but now I see he was growing his own at an accelerated rate. The only place I can imagine him finding such facilities would be at Wayland.”
“Yes, but how did you know?”
Ged gave me a grin.
I sat back in disgust and made a face. “Yeah, yeah super secret spy for the Emperor. Where the hell were you when Thrawn was looking for the co-ordinates to that planet?”
“I didn’t say I knew where it was just that I knew of its existence and it isn’t as if Thrawn ever asked me about this stuff.” Ged retorted, then said more quietly. “I knew Thrawn had access to clones but he was very tight lipped about the details. So how do you know all of this?”
“Because,” I said with a shrug, “He showed me his facility on Nirauan.”
“He has cloning chambers on Nirauan as well?”
I nodded. “He called it his testing ground but I don’t understand it much. All I know is the ysalamiri give me a hell of a headache and I can’t think of anything worse than being made force blind by being around them.”
“Force blind? Is that what you call it? It’s an apt description. It’s part of the reason when we meet in person he comes to my ship. I can’t stand being in their proximity, that and he likes to keep our meetings somewhat clandestine. ”
I nodded, “The life of a Grand Admiral, secrets and more secrets followed by still more secrets.”
“So how do you know about the cloning facility on Nirauan if it is supposed to be so... secret?”
I made a face and took a deep breath, “Because to satisfy my curiosity and prevent me from poking my nose where it didn’t belong, he showed the facility to me.” I replied, “But he was smart, he knew the ysalamiri would make me sick, he’d seen it before so he showed me the lab just the once, explained a little about what he was doing, I saw some of his work and then I got the hell out of there as soon as I could. It hurt. I never understood what it was that made being force sensitive so special until then. He could have told me all the lies in the galaxy then and I would never have known.” I rubbed the back of my neck, all of my muscles ached. “It was quite the set up that he had and he was growing clones and not just human ones at that.”
“Nirauan, well that makes sense. If he is accelerating clone growth then he would have needed a testing area. If I understand the science correctly from my discussion with the Emperor accelerating clone growth leads to madness, especially if there is any consciousness transference involved. It has to do with the force and its influence on all living things. Remove the force and you can manipulate the growth cycle without risking cloning sickness.” He said, “That’s very clever.”
I made a face. “We are talking about Thrawn remember.” I didn’t ask what he meant by consciousness transference but it made me shudder and remember the dreams I had been having about the emperor reborn.
“How could I forget?” He said as he reached over to put his hand on mine but I pulled away, fiddling with my cup instead. Suddenly the galley felt too small and the silence that engulfed us was awkward and uncomfortable.
He nodded and toyed with his empty tea cup. “You look tired. When did you last sleep?”
I shrugged. “I napped here and there but ....”
“You were too busy playing nurse.” He interrupted, “Well, I’m fine, the wound is healing well and I even put a clean bandage on it myself. I’ve rested enough for now so please go and get some rack time. You look like crap.”
I looked at him and nodded. “Okay.”
“Okay? Just like that okay? No arguing?”
“No arguing, you’re right, I’m tired.” I stood up and put my cup in the sink, “The ship is on auto pilot with all the proximity alerts set to maximum distance. We’re in the middle of hyperspace on one of the quieter routes, I checked the engine about two hours ago and for the first time in ages there’s nothing else to do, I do have one question though.”
“I’m all ears.”
“How did Morrish know you would be there, at the palace? I thought you told me no one else but Vander knew.”
“Morrish had been on Coruscant for several days dealing with another matter.”
“That room, the one that housed the mainframe? He was there for that right?”
Ged nodded. “He was to copy the data from it so that when we complete our move to the secondary Imperial stronghold we would have complete records of every op, every mission and agent that was available just in case the recapture of Coruscant doesn’t go as planned. However, that plan had to change once you told me about your remarkable talent. As soon as I knew what you could do, I knew that no matter what precautions the Emperor had taken to safeguard the information on those databanks it would never be enough. So it became imperative to get to that room. I knew that Morrish would be there if he had stuck to the time frame of the plan we were all working on. That took precedence over everything, which is why we went there first.”
“You took an awful risk.”
“It paid off and I had a lot of help.” He said giving me a sly, knowing grin.
“So the Virulent has a new captain?” I asked switching topics, suddenly feeling uncomfortable again.
Ged watched me for a moment then nodded, “A lot has changed since you were last stationed on board. Go and get some sleep we can talk about this when you are more awake.”
I nodded. “You’re not at all what I thought you were.” I said over my shoulder.
“Is that good or bad?” Ged asked.
“I don’t know yet.” I answered and made my way to my cabin. Sleep when it came was without dreams and I was grateful.
.
While Ged slept and recovered, I spent a fair amount of time in the engine room. It was warmer than the rest of the ship and it gave me something to do. There was nothing wrong but I liked to check and double check everything all the same. When I wasn’t messing around in the engine room I was in the cockpit reading or studying star charts. Lord Vader had been almost an encyclopaedia of knowledge about star system and their planets and I had learned from his example. All knowledge was worth having Thrawn liked to say and he wasn’t wrong.
I missed Lord Vader greatly. He had been unpredictable, bad tempered and often harsh but I had learned to see beyond all of that. I had learned to love him, after a fashion, and his death still left a gaping hole in my life which surprised me. It felt to me that my entire life had been marred by the deaths of people I loved and now I mourned for Jarack as well.
When Thrawn had confirmed that it was Jarack who had gone missing I had hoped for his safe return. Jarack had been a quiet constant in my life for years, delivering letters, playing messenger and becoming a friend whose presence always brightened my day. Seeing his death through the images from the data chip Ged had given me had been like a slap on the face and now that I had time to process it I cried for his loss.
As we travelled through the quieter hyperspace lanes it felt to me as though the entire galaxy was holding its breath, waiting for whatever was about to happen next to decide the course of history. It was a turning point and I sincerely hoped that Thrawn could accomplish because what he was trying to do. I had the feeling that if the Empire was not somehow re-established then chaos would ensue.
We were too far off the main hyperspace lanes to receive reliable holo transmissions so there was no way to know how things were going or what had happened on Coruscant with the arrival of Thrawn’s fleet.
I wished I had known more about his plans but he had never one to let me in on his military secrets. I suppose it was his way of keeping his private life separate from his military one but often I felt very left out. There was an entire galaxy of things I didn’t know about the man I shared my bed with and, mostly because I was nosey and wanted to know everything, I found this a little frustrating. I prayed that he could retake Coruscant and re-establish Imperial rule so that we could all have some sort of normal life, not that I really knew what normal was but I hoped I could get used to it.
In between the engine room and the cockpit was the tiny galley and it was here Ged found me when he woke up. His presence changed the atmosphere but I tried not to let it show.
He sat down stiffly and gestured to the cup in my hand. “Is there more of that? I’m thirsty.”
“You should be resting.” I told him as I got up to make him tea and something to eat.
“I’ve rested enough.” He replied. “How long have I been out for anyway?”
“Nearly two days.”
“You sedated me for two days?” He asked with an edge of anger in his voice.
“No, you really were just asleep for most of it. I pumped you full sedatives and pain killers so I could clean the wound and stitch you up because you were being a poo-doo head but after that I only kept up with the pain meds, not more sedation. You came out of it a couple of times but only for a few moments. The rest was all you, your body needed time to heal, it happens sometimes after being badly injured with pointed stick thing to the gut.” He nodded and accepted the cup of mint tea I gave him. “There’s honey in it, drink it all. You’re dehydrated.”
He cradled his hands around the cup, “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” I said as I sat back down. “I hope you like it, it comes from Tatooine.”
“No I meant for fixing me up. I didn’t know you were a medic on top of all your other skills.”
“Oh.” I shook my head with a laugh, “No I’m not a medic Ged, I just learned some basic first aid.”
“You could have fooled me.” He said. “I took a look at the job you did on me and it’s pretty good all things considered.”
I nodded. “I watched carefully as someone patched me up and I have a great memory.” I lied a little, I didn’t want to have to explain about my relationship with the Dantassi, that was far too private.
Ged raised his eyebrows at me. “Patched you up?”
I shifted around in the seat and hiked up my skirt to show him the still vivid white scar that adorned my thigh.
Ged swore. “How the hell did you get that?”
“It’s a long story.” I said smoothing out my skirt again.
“And you don’t want to talk about it?”
“Do you want to talk about why Lee Vander went after you like that? Why he turned traitor?”
Ged made a face and rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “I see your point but you deserve to know some of it at least.” He sighed and took a sip from the still too hot tea. “It was a command decision I had to make a long time ago. I can’t go into details but it had to do with a ground op that went terribly wrong. I had a choice to make and regardless of how I chose people were going to die. I had to choose how many, I chose the smaller number.”
“It was a mess. We all lost people we knew.” He drew a deep breath. “Unfortunately, among those who died were two of Lee’s best friends and, although I didn’t know it at the time, also his lover.” He stared into the mug he was holding. “It never occurred to me that he couldn’t handle it, that even though he was one of the best pilots and agents I ever had the privilege of serving with, he was trained for these sorts of incidents, trained to kill without impunity and yet he couldn’t get past this one incident. How he must have hated me to have carried that hatred for so long and I never saw it. All that time he was lying to me and I never saw it once.” He was suddenly so sad and I didn’t know what to do about it. Lee had been his friend but had also betrayed him and that was a difficult thing to reconcile with. I understood that probably better than most.
“Sometimes it’s hard to see especially from people we love and think we know. Most of the time I think they can be the hardest of all to read.” I remarked.
He nodded. “You know, the Grand Admiral knew I planned on asking for your help, you know, to retrieve Jarack Behl. He told me that you were well suited for just such a job although I don’t think he liked the idea much.”
“I do know,” I replied with a small nod, “He mentioned it to me but I wasn’t in much shape to go gallivanting across the galaxy on some hopped up rescue mission and in the end maybe that’s a good thing, after all now you know who your traitor was and he’s been dealt with.”
“I had no idea it would turn into such a clusterfuck though. I had not expected that at all. I figured it would be a straight forward in and out job because I trusted my source. I trusted Lee with my life, what a joke that turned out to be. If you hadn’t been there I might very well be dead. Whether you like it or not, that little trick of yours in being able to pull the memories from objects saved my life, saved our lives.”
I wasn’t going to argue with him. “I’m sorry about Jarack.”
Ged regarded me for a moment and then said, “So, the scar on your leg, how did you manage to get that because a bacta treatment shouldn’t have left such a scar.”
“I was on the wrong end of a hunt and a dip in a tank was out of the question.” I said cryptically.
“A hunt?” He asked with a healthy amount of skepticism. “What the hell were you hunting?”
“I wasn’t hunting anyone. I was the one being hunted.” I said tightly. It surprised me that I was still angry over what had happened on Myrkr.
Perhaps he sensed that because he didn’t press further, “Who patched you up?”
I mulled over my answer for a bit then told him. “Thrawn did.” And then seeing the look on his face I decided that perhaps I had better explain a little more. “He was looking for something on a planet called Myrkr and we ended up being hunted by a lunatic named Ormante who thought he could outwit Thrawn. It wasn’t pretty and that’s where I got the scar on my leg.”
“Myrkr? You’ve mentioned that name once before but I don’t know much about the planet.”
“No one does really, or at least mostly no one unless you count smugglers and thieves who use the planet as a hide out. The planet was removed from the Imperial Planetary database at Palpatine’s request.”
“Why?”
I smiled. “Because of what lives there.” I said and then tried as best I could to explain about the ysalamiri and the vornskrs.
“The creatures that can repel the force? The ones he has on board the Chimaera?” Ged whispered, “No wonder Palpatine wanted that planet kept hidden but what did Thrawn want with them on Nirauan? I remember you mentioned the subbasement was full of them but you didn’t say why. I thought he was using them to keep that dark Jedi clone of his in line”
“He needed them for his cloning project. It has something to do with preventing cloning sickness when a clone is grown at accelerated speed. ”
“That explains his success. I thought he was using pre existing clones while waiting for his own to mature but now I see he was growing his own at an accelerated rate. The only place I can imagine him finding such facilities would be at Wayland.”
“Yes, but how did you know?”
Ged gave me a grin.
I sat back in disgust and made a face. “Yeah, yeah super secret spy for the Emperor. Where the hell were you when Thrawn was looking for the co-ordinates to that planet?”
“I didn’t say I knew where it was just that I knew of its existence and it isn’t as if Thrawn ever asked me about this stuff.” Ged retorted, then said more quietly. “I knew Thrawn had access to clones but he was very tight lipped about the details. So how do you know all of this?”
“Because,” I said with a shrug, “He showed me his facility on Nirauan.”
“He has cloning chambers on Nirauan as well?”
I nodded. “He called it his testing ground but I don’t understand it much. All I know is the ysalamiri give me a hell of a headache and I can’t think of anything worse than being made force blind by being around them.”
“Force blind? Is that what you call it? It’s an apt description. It’s part of the reason when we meet in person he comes to my ship. I can’t stand being in their proximity, that and he likes to keep our meetings somewhat clandestine. ”
I nodded, “The life of a Grand Admiral, secrets and more secrets followed by still more secrets.”
“So how do you know about the cloning facility on Nirauan if it is supposed to be so... secret?”
I made a face and took a deep breath, “Because to satisfy my curiosity and prevent me from poking my nose where it didn’t belong, he showed the facility to me.” I replied, “But he was smart, he knew the ysalamiri would make me sick, he’d seen it before so he showed me the lab just the once, explained a little about what he was doing, I saw some of his work and then I got the hell out of there as soon as I could. It hurt. I never understood what it was that made being force sensitive so special until then. He could have told me all the lies in the galaxy then and I would never have known.” I rubbed the back of my neck, all of my muscles ached. “It was quite the set up that he had and he was growing clones and not just human ones at that.”
“Nirauan, well that makes sense. If he is accelerating clone growth then he would have needed a testing area. If I understand the science correctly from my discussion with the Emperor accelerating clone growth leads to madness, especially if there is any consciousness transference involved. It has to do with the force and its influence on all living things. Remove the force and you can manipulate the growth cycle without risking cloning sickness.” He said, “That’s very clever.”
I made a face. “We are talking about Thrawn remember.” I didn’t ask what he meant by consciousness transference but it made me shudder and remember the dreams I had been having about the emperor reborn.
“How could I forget?” He said as he reached over to put his hand on mine but I pulled away, fiddling with my cup instead. Suddenly the galley felt too small and the silence that engulfed us was awkward and uncomfortable.
He nodded and toyed with his empty tea cup. “You look tired. When did you last sleep?”
I shrugged. “I napped here and there but ....”
“You were too busy playing nurse.” He interrupted, “Well, I’m fine, the wound is healing well and I even put a clean bandage on it myself. I’ve rested enough for now so please go and get some rack time. You look like crap.”
I looked at him and nodded. “Okay.”
“Okay? Just like that okay? No arguing?”
“No arguing, you’re right, I’m tired.” I stood up and put my cup in the sink, “The ship is on auto pilot with all the proximity alerts set to maximum distance. We’re in the middle of hyperspace on one of the quieter routes, I checked the engine about two hours ago and for the first time in ages there’s nothing else to do, I do have one question though.”
“I’m all ears.”
“How did Morrish know you would be there, at the palace? I thought you told me no one else but Vander knew.”
“Morrish had been on Coruscant for several days dealing with another matter.”
“That room, the one that housed the mainframe? He was there for that right?”
Ged nodded. “He was to copy the data from it so that when we complete our move to the secondary Imperial stronghold we would have complete records of every op, every mission and agent that was available just in case the recapture of Coruscant doesn’t go as planned. However, that plan had to change once you told me about your remarkable talent. As soon as I knew what you could do, I knew that no matter what precautions the Emperor had taken to safeguard the information on those databanks it would never be enough. So it became imperative to get to that room. I knew that Morrish would be there if he had stuck to the time frame of the plan we were all working on. That took precedence over everything, which is why we went there first.”
“You took an awful risk.”
“It paid off and I had a lot of help.” He said giving me a sly, knowing grin.
“So the Virulent has a new captain?” I asked switching topics, suddenly feeling uncomfortable again.
Ged watched me for a moment then nodded, “A lot has changed since you were last stationed on board. Go and get some sleep we can talk about this when you are more awake.”
I nodded. “You’re not at all what I thought you were.” I said over my shoulder.
“Is that good or bad?” Ged asked.
“I don’t know yet.” I answered and made my way to my cabin. Sleep when it came was without dreams and I was grateful.
.
02/05/2011
The Things We Leave Behind 9
The art of combat using lightsabers as weapons is a long and time honoured one. It was an intriguing weapon really, when one thought about it because there were no edges, only energy and all parts of the blade cut, sliced and killed. The weapons had been in use for centuries, if the stories I had read were to be believed. Most jedi made their own lightsabers, it was a sort of rite of passage.
Lord Vader had once shown to me how they worked, explaining that high levels of energy were generated by a power cell directed through a series of focusing lenses and energizers which converted that energy into plasma. This was directed through focusing crystals which lent the blade its properties and allowed for the adjustment of blade length and power output. Once focused by the crystals, the plasma was sent through another series of field energizers as well as modulation circuitry within the emitter matrix which focused it even more, making it into a coherent beam of energy projected from the emitter. For a fairly small weapon it was pretty complicated and I had been very happy that I didn’t actually have to make my own.
It was, Lord Vader had said, considered to be an elegant weapon and it became a symbol of the Jedi who had been seen as peace keepers for centuries during the time of the Republic. After the fall of the Old Republic the Jedi fell into disgrace and the lightsaber became a weapon of myths and children’s bedtime stories. I had never seen one until I had watched Lord Vader practice with his and that had been a delight. I could see the appeal of it when compared to more conventional weapons; it certainly had its uses, especially when it came to not making a mess. A lightsaber blade cauterized what it cut so there wasn’t a lot of blood even when the wounds were grave; the down side was the stench.
I wondered as I watched Ged and Vander fight if that was what it would have been like to watch Jyrki and me, or Lord Vader and his son duel. The dance of whirling light must have been glorious to see. Not for the first time did it occur to me that using lightsabers was more of an art than anything else and watching these two men was more like watching a dance of light than a duel between enemies. The arcing of light as the blades swirled around in semi circles crashing together and then separating again was truly beautiful but every time the blades clashed together the sound set my teeth on edge.
It took a fairly high degree of skill and training to use a lightsaber well, well enough not to end up slicing one’s own arm off or worse. Lee Vander was strong and had been well taught and as I watched him I realised I knew the style of fighting he was using with an intimacy that was unnerving. It reminded me so sharply of my Bunduki Master that I had a sudden and surprising pang of longing for a teacher who was long gone. Lee had been very well taught and I recognised some of the moves he was making.
They fought like caged tigers just waiting to let their true natures loose, both holding back to see when the other would make a mistake. They were surprisingly evenly matched. For every attack Ged made Lee had a counter attack and it went on and on until I could see Ged’s anger flash across his face as he started to draw on his dark side powers.
The air crackled as Ged went on the offensive and began to hammer at Lee with a ferocity that scared me. With the combination of force power and skill there was no way that Lee could maintain his defence so he switched his own tactics and with his left hand he drew out a second weapon from his coat. I suddenly got a sickening feeling in my gut that things were about to turn. At first I thought it was a blaster of some sort but then I realised that was not the case.
It reminded me of a weapon known as a t’on-fa, a sort of rounded stake with a short perpendicular handle at one end, looking a lot like a nightstick that the Coruscanti police used to use. This one, made from a dark material, was unusual because one end had been sharpened to a vicious point. Lee braced the length of the weapon against his arm like a shield and thrust it upwards defensively as Ged swept his lightsaber down in what would have been the killing blow.
The purple blade came crashing against Lee’s arm but instead of slicing through the stake and cutting Lee’s arm in two the lightsaber’s blade spluttered and failed. I quickly covered my mouth to stop myself from yelling out.
Cortosis. Lee had a bunduki defence weapon made from Cortosis ore, a very rare, brittle and fibrous material whose conductive properties caused lightsabers to temporarily short out on contact. This lovely attribute made it an incredibly useful material for creating anti-lightsaber melee weapons even though the effects of cortosis never lasted very long, a minute or two at best, nor did it permanently damage the lightsaber in any way. Sometimes one of two minutes makes the difference between life and death.
I tensed watching as Ged, suddenly distracted, hesitated for just a second to look over at where I was, where the second blaster lay at my feet, leaving Lee enough time to swing his lightsaber around for the kill. Even if Ged wanted to he would not be fast enough to force pull the blaster to him and then fire it at Vander.
I didn’t even think I just brought the carbine I gripped tightly in my hands upwards, aimed and shot, hoping I didn’t hit Ged by mistake. The energy bolt blasted Lee’s hand, hitting his lightsaber. It shattered, sending a shower of sparks all around, forcing him to let it go. Useless, it clattered to the flood loudly.
For a moment no one moved and then Lee snarled, swung the cortosis weapon around, point facing towards Ged and thrust it upwards just as Ged managed to ignite his own lightsaber again. He swung the blade around with all his might, stepped in as close as he could and drove the blade through Lee’s chest. For a second the two men stayed in that eerie embrace then Ged staggered under Lee’s weight before finding his balance to take two steps back as Lee’s body crumpled to the floor, the cortosis blade rolled from his hand and clattered on the polished tile.
“Nice shot.” Ged gasped, bending over to catch his breath.
“I was aiming for his head.” I replied looking at the blaster in my hands as though it would suddenly bite me.
Ged shook his head and grimaced. “Either way, it was a good shot.” He switched off his lightsaber and the room was plunged into dimness again.
“We need to get out of here.” I told him staring at the body of Lee Vander.
He tucked his lightsaber back into the inner pocket of the coat and pulled it tightly around him. “There’s a hidden service lift over there.” He said nodding to the far wall. I suddenly understood why he had chosen this room.
I went to pick up the second blaster which had been sitting on the floor but he shook his head. “No, leave it,” He nodded, “I’m hoping we won’t need it and one should be enough now come on!”
And before I could ask him why he didn’t want the gun, we were slipping into the small turbo lift, the ride down felt as though it lasted forever and when we stopped Ged winced. “Turn left, go straight. It should lead to a service entrance on the south side.”
“Is everything alright?” I asked. “Are you alright?”
“Yes, fine. I pulled a muscle that’s all.” He hissed. “Quickly, we can’t stay here.”
I nodded and did not call him on the lie he had just told me because we had other problems to deal with. We made our way as quickly as possible to the door which was exactly where Ged said it would be. It was locked so I used my lightsaber to open it and we stumbled through the doorway into a small courtyard. I swore as the air filled with alarms.
I looked around, the courtyard was empty and quiet but I recognised this part of the castle and smiled. “Stay here.” I told Ged and before he could argue I ran to try and find a speeder. It didn’t take me long and luckily for us it was an open top, maintenance vehicle which was easy to slice into.
“We’re going to have to do something about your criminal tendencies.” Ged joked laughing to himself which turned into a coughing fit. I frowned at him but he shook his head.
“Come on, get in so I can get us to my ship and get the hell off this planet before someone comes to find out why this door triggered the alarm system!.”
He moved awkwardly as if he were in pain. When I offered my hand he shook his head and drew strength from the force. I felt its pull and gave him a glare. Once he was in seated beside me, I slammed the speeder on full, not really caring about traffic or anything else. We nearly crashed into several speeders and a taxi before I got into the right lane.
“Merly you drive like a mad rebel, slow down you’re going to get us killed.” Ged hissed as he gripped the speeder’s sides with hands that showed white knuckles. “I can’t believe I let you fly us here in that rattletrap of yours but you’re even worse in a speeder.”
“Complain, complain, complain!” I snapped.
The trip through the back lanes of Coruscant took us a little longer than I had wanted and by the time we made it back to the building where my ship was Ged was pale and quiet. We ditched the speeder at the landing pad and made our way quietly to where my ship sat. The relief that flooded through me when I saw she was still there, intact and untouched was so great it almost made me physically ill. I unlocked the door and we boarded as soon as the ramp hit the ground. As soon as we were onboard I closed the door only to watch Ged suddenly slump against the bulkhead clutching at his side.
“It’s nothing, a bruised rib or something. Just go!” He said through clenched teeth waving me off before I could see what it was that was wrong. “Move! We have to go. Get this bird in the air now. That is an order.”
“You are not the boss of me, you know.” I told him as I headed towards the cockpit with him in tow.
He chuckled. “I will try to keep that in mind. But trust me when I saw we need to get off this rock before anyone decides to track that speeder!”
I turned to look at him. “Tell me something I don’t know!”
“Just get us in the air!”
With a shake of my head I slipped into my chair and fired up the manoeuvring engines. I skipped the pre check and ran the quick start procedure. The ship hummed to life. We slipped into Coruscant air space quietly, just one of many. I contacted the air traffic control and gave them our fake id and fake flight plan. The controller who gave me the ok to go sounded bored.
I listened to the radio chatter of Coruscant air space-control but nothing was out of the ordinary. I almost felt sorry for the New Republic, there was a storm coming and they had no idea what would hit them. Only once we had passed the Coruscant security grid and planetary shield marker did I let go of the breath I had been holding. The planet, a sphere of light and dura-steel, quickly receded as we pulled away. I should have admired its extraordinary beauty but the only thing I could feel was relief.
I looked at Ged who was standing behind me using my chair for support. He was pale and breathing hard. “Set these co ordinates.” He said and I punched the numbers he gave me into the nav computer. “How long until we can jump?” He asked.
I looked at the computer and the map, “At this speed we’ll be out of the planet’s gravity well in a few minutes.”
He nodded. “Use the back ways Merlyn. I don’t want to get stuck on one of the main Hyperspace lanes.”
“That will add more time to the journey.” I said setting the new directions into the nav computer.
He nodded. “I know. My people don’t expect me to arrive the same time as the Lightning. Thrawn asked me to keep you safe and this is as good a way as any.”
“Oki-doki.” I said and as soon as the nav computer peeped to let me know we could jump into hyperspace I punched it. The stars around us swirled and spun, then elongated and vanished. I set the auto pilot on and then got up out of my chair just in time to catch Ged who sagged against me.
He let out his breath. “Okay now I think I need your help. I need to lie down.” And he drew back the coat he was wearing to show me and I sucked in my breath. His shirt was soaked in blood. “The cortosis blade.” Ged explained, “I couldn’t avoid it.”
I swore. “You are a bloody idiot!”
“You got the bloody part right.” He grinned then hissed in pain.
I helped him up, got him to one of the crew bunks and helped him lie down. When I looked at the wound I winced for him. It was a nasty looking piece of business. Gingerly I touched the area around it he grunted in pain, laughing the way people do when they don’t want to scream in agony. For a second his eyes rolled back into his head and the sudden whiteness of his skin scared me. I smacked his face.
“Ged!” I yelled at him.
His eyelids fluttered and he looked at me. “Ow.” He muttered.
“Don’t you dare die on me!” I told him as I got out the med-kit.
“Not my plan.” He grimaced. “Don’t hit me again that hurts!”
“Stop being a big baby and lie still.” I started to cut the shirt carefully and peeled it off him as gently as I could. The wound, just under his ribs, was ugly and there was a lot of blood. Unlike a lightsaber the cortosis blade had not cauterised the wound and all the movement from fleeing the Imperial palace had not helped the matter. I waved the small medical scanner over it and for the first time felt a sense of relief.
“How bad is it?”
“You must live under a lucky star Ged Larsen.” I said digging through the medical kit for bacta injections and wound cleanser. “Lee’s blade missed everything important. It looks a lot worse than it is and it’s not as deep as I thought so we won’t need to find an emergency medical ship. You’ll have a lovely scar though.”
Ged struggled to sit up but I pushed him back down, pinning him to the bed by as he fought against me. “I don’t find this lucky at all. You’re undressing me and I can’t even enjoy it.” He struggled against my hold on him and it made him wince.
I made a noise of disgust. “Men, don’t you ever think of anything else?”
“Occasionally.” He replied, still trying to sit up. “But it’s difficult when a pretty woman is stripping you out of your clothes.”
“Well make the most of it fly-boy it’s the only time I’m doing this.” And I said those words I realised it was the truth. As much as I liked Ged and as much as when he kissed me he could make me shiver, I did not want anything more from him and when, just for a moment our eyes met, maybe he understood this as well.
He gave me a smile and went to say something but instead he hissed in pain through tightly clenched teeth and writhed when I touched the wound with gauze to clean it.
“Stay still damnit! I need to clean out the wound and it will hurt.”
“I can deal with the pain. Give me that I’ll do it myself.” He said reaching for my hand.
I rolled my eyes, slapping his hand away as grabbed for the gauze I was holding. I shook my head in disgust. “Men. You always want to play the tough guy. Just for once will you listen to me?”
“Oh Merlyn,” he whispered with a grin, “You really are a force of nature.”
With a sigh I sat back and stared at him. “And you are a bloody pain in the ass.” I told him and before he could protest I pressed the hypospray to the side of his neck and sedated him. He fought it until the sedative won and sleep took him. I sat for a second to catch my breath.
It had been Navaari who had shown me the right way to treat wounds such as this. Out on a hunt there were no medical droids or facilities so one had to be self sufficient and animals tended to either bite or claw in a fight. I could hear his voice in my head, assess the damage, clean the wound, staunch the bleeding then repair everything you can and bandage it all up well. This was not the first time I had helped a wounded man but I really hoped it would be the last.
Once the puncture in his side was thoroughly clean I pumped it full of bacta. It never ceased to amaze me how quickly it started the healing process. For a moment I waited to be sure it was working then I closed and bandaged the wound. Once that was done I just stared at him, stroked a stray lock of hair from his face, and covered him with a blanket. Sleep softened his features making him look even younger than he really was.
Suddenly exhausted, I sat back with my head against the bulkhead listening to the thrum of the engines and the sound of Ged breathing, allowing myself a few moments of rest before I cleaned up the mess. I took one last look at Ged to make sure he was really just sleeping and then left him to rest. I made my way to the fresher to wash up then went to my cabin to change into more comfortable clothes. Once that was done I felt a lot better.
I sat at the little table in the galley with my hands cradled around a cup of hot tea wondering about everything that had happened. It felt very surreal and I did not understand the half of it. I hoped that when he felt up to it Ged would explain more but I somehow doubted it and in any case he would be sedated for a good long while, the wound needed time to heal and I knew him well enough to know if he was awake that would not happen. Weary, I suddenly found myself missing Thrawn above all else and a stab of guilt at what had happened in the palace detention room made me sigh. I didn’t even know how to begin to explain any of what had happened and I was pretty sure Thrawn would be furious with me for getting into the mess in the first place, never mind the whole kissing part.
Since there wasn’t anything else to do and nowhere to go I got up, poured another cup of tea, grabbed a book from the small book shelf near the table and made my way back to the cockpit. I settled into my seat with my feet on the dashboard but I couldn’t seem to concentrate on the book in my hand. The slow route to the rendezvous point would take just over a week and I was glad I had enough fuel and supplies for a long run on board although we could stop at Tatooine if we needed to. I wasn’t worried about that. I was more concerned with what would happen once we returned to the Virulent and eventually have to tell Thrawn that Jarack was dead because one of the Empire’s finest black-ops agents had turned traitor amongst other things. He wasn’t going to like it, he wasn't going to like any of it at all.
.
Lord Vader had once shown to me how they worked, explaining that high levels of energy were generated by a power cell directed through a series of focusing lenses and energizers which converted that energy into plasma. This was directed through focusing crystals which lent the blade its properties and allowed for the adjustment of blade length and power output. Once focused by the crystals, the plasma was sent through another series of field energizers as well as modulation circuitry within the emitter matrix which focused it even more, making it into a coherent beam of energy projected from the emitter. For a fairly small weapon it was pretty complicated and I had been very happy that I didn’t actually have to make my own.
It was, Lord Vader had said, considered to be an elegant weapon and it became a symbol of the Jedi who had been seen as peace keepers for centuries during the time of the Republic. After the fall of the Old Republic the Jedi fell into disgrace and the lightsaber became a weapon of myths and children’s bedtime stories. I had never seen one until I had watched Lord Vader practice with his and that had been a delight. I could see the appeal of it when compared to more conventional weapons; it certainly had its uses, especially when it came to not making a mess. A lightsaber blade cauterized what it cut so there wasn’t a lot of blood even when the wounds were grave; the down side was the stench.
I wondered as I watched Ged and Vander fight if that was what it would have been like to watch Jyrki and me, or Lord Vader and his son duel. The dance of whirling light must have been glorious to see. Not for the first time did it occur to me that using lightsabers was more of an art than anything else and watching these two men was more like watching a dance of light than a duel between enemies. The arcing of light as the blades swirled around in semi circles crashing together and then separating again was truly beautiful but every time the blades clashed together the sound set my teeth on edge.
It took a fairly high degree of skill and training to use a lightsaber well, well enough not to end up slicing one’s own arm off or worse. Lee Vander was strong and had been well taught and as I watched him I realised I knew the style of fighting he was using with an intimacy that was unnerving. It reminded me so sharply of my Bunduki Master that I had a sudden and surprising pang of longing for a teacher who was long gone. Lee had been very well taught and I recognised some of the moves he was making.
They fought like caged tigers just waiting to let their true natures loose, both holding back to see when the other would make a mistake. They were surprisingly evenly matched. For every attack Ged made Lee had a counter attack and it went on and on until I could see Ged’s anger flash across his face as he started to draw on his dark side powers.
The air crackled as Ged went on the offensive and began to hammer at Lee with a ferocity that scared me. With the combination of force power and skill there was no way that Lee could maintain his defence so he switched his own tactics and with his left hand he drew out a second weapon from his coat. I suddenly got a sickening feeling in my gut that things were about to turn. At first I thought it was a blaster of some sort but then I realised that was not the case.
It reminded me of a weapon known as a t’on-fa, a sort of rounded stake with a short perpendicular handle at one end, looking a lot like a nightstick that the Coruscanti police used to use. This one, made from a dark material, was unusual because one end had been sharpened to a vicious point. Lee braced the length of the weapon against his arm like a shield and thrust it upwards defensively as Ged swept his lightsaber down in what would have been the killing blow.
The purple blade came crashing against Lee’s arm but instead of slicing through the stake and cutting Lee’s arm in two the lightsaber’s blade spluttered and failed. I quickly covered my mouth to stop myself from yelling out.
Cortosis. Lee had a bunduki defence weapon made from Cortosis ore, a very rare, brittle and fibrous material whose conductive properties caused lightsabers to temporarily short out on contact. This lovely attribute made it an incredibly useful material for creating anti-lightsaber melee weapons even though the effects of cortosis never lasted very long, a minute or two at best, nor did it permanently damage the lightsaber in any way. Sometimes one of two minutes makes the difference between life and death.
I tensed watching as Ged, suddenly distracted, hesitated for just a second to look over at where I was, where the second blaster lay at my feet, leaving Lee enough time to swing his lightsaber around for the kill. Even if Ged wanted to he would not be fast enough to force pull the blaster to him and then fire it at Vander.
I didn’t even think I just brought the carbine I gripped tightly in my hands upwards, aimed and shot, hoping I didn’t hit Ged by mistake. The energy bolt blasted Lee’s hand, hitting his lightsaber. It shattered, sending a shower of sparks all around, forcing him to let it go. Useless, it clattered to the flood loudly.
For a moment no one moved and then Lee snarled, swung the cortosis weapon around, point facing towards Ged and thrust it upwards just as Ged managed to ignite his own lightsaber again. He swung the blade around with all his might, stepped in as close as he could and drove the blade through Lee’s chest. For a second the two men stayed in that eerie embrace then Ged staggered under Lee’s weight before finding his balance to take two steps back as Lee’s body crumpled to the floor, the cortosis blade rolled from his hand and clattered on the polished tile.
“Nice shot.” Ged gasped, bending over to catch his breath.
“I was aiming for his head.” I replied looking at the blaster in my hands as though it would suddenly bite me.
Ged shook his head and grimaced. “Either way, it was a good shot.” He switched off his lightsaber and the room was plunged into dimness again.
“We need to get out of here.” I told him staring at the body of Lee Vander.
He tucked his lightsaber back into the inner pocket of the coat and pulled it tightly around him. “There’s a hidden service lift over there.” He said nodding to the far wall. I suddenly understood why he had chosen this room.
I went to pick up the second blaster which had been sitting on the floor but he shook his head. “No, leave it,” He nodded, “I’m hoping we won’t need it and one should be enough now come on!”
And before I could ask him why he didn’t want the gun, we were slipping into the small turbo lift, the ride down felt as though it lasted forever and when we stopped Ged winced. “Turn left, go straight. It should lead to a service entrance on the south side.”
“Is everything alright?” I asked. “Are you alright?”
“Yes, fine. I pulled a muscle that’s all.” He hissed. “Quickly, we can’t stay here.”
I nodded and did not call him on the lie he had just told me because we had other problems to deal with. We made our way as quickly as possible to the door which was exactly where Ged said it would be. It was locked so I used my lightsaber to open it and we stumbled through the doorway into a small courtyard. I swore as the air filled with alarms.
I looked around, the courtyard was empty and quiet but I recognised this part of the castle and smiled. “Stay here.” I told Ged and before he could argue I ran to try and find a speeder. It didn’t take me long and luckily for us it was an open top, maintenance vehicle which was easy to slice into.
“We’re going to have to do something about your criminal tendencies.” Ged joked laughing to himself which turned into a coughing fit. I frowned at him but he shook his head.
“Come on, get in so I can get us to my ship and get the hell off this planet before someone comes to find out why this door triggered the alarm system!.”
He moved awkwardly as if he were in pain. When I offered my hand he shook his head and drew strength from the force. I felt its pull and gave him a glare. Once he was in seated beside me, I slammed the speeder on full, not really caring about traffic or anything else. We nearly crashed into several speeders and a taxi before I got into the right lane.
“Merly you drive like a mad rebel, slow down you’re going to get us killed.” Ged hissed as he gripped the speeder’s sides with hands that showed white knuckles. “I can’t believe I let you fly us here in that rattletrap of yours but you’re even worse in a speeder.”
“Complain, complain, complain!” I snapped.
The trip through the back lanes of Coruscant took us a little longer than I had wanted and by the time we made it back to the building where my ship was Ged was pale and quiet. We ditched the speeder at the landing pad and made our way quietly to where my ship sat. The relief that flooded through me when I saw she was still there, intact and untouched was so great it almost made me physically ill. I unlocked the door and we boarded as soon as the ramp hit the ground. As soon as we were onboard I closed the door only to watch Ged suddenly slump against the bulkhead clutching at his side.
“It’s nothing, a bruised rib or something. Just go!” He said through clenched teeth waving me off before I could see what it was that was wrong. “Move! We have to go. Get this bird in the air now. That is an order.”
“You are not the boss of me, you know.” I told him as I headed towards the cockpit with him in tow.
He chuckled. “I will try to keep that in mind. But trust me when I saw we need to get off this rock before anyone decides to track that speeder!”
I turned to look at him. “Tell me something I don’t know!”
“Just get us in the air!”
With a shake of my head I slipped into my chair and fired up the manoeuvring engines. I skipped the pre check and ran the quick start procedure. The ship hummed to life. We slipped into Coruscant air space quietly, just one of many. I contacted the air traffic control and gave them our fake id and fake flight plan. The controller who gave me the ok to go sounded bored.
I listened to the radio chatter of Coruscant air space-control but nothing was out of the ordinary. I almost felt sorry for the New Republic, there was a storm coming and they had no idea what would hit them. Only once we had passed the Coruscant security grid and planetary shield marker did I let go of the breath I had been holding. The planet, a sphere of light and dura-steel, quickly receded as we pulled away. I should have admired its extraordinary beauty but the only thing I could feel was relief.
I looked at Ged who was standing behind me using my chair for support. He was pale and breathing hard. “Set these co ordinates.” He said and I punched the numbers he gave me into the nav computer. “How long until we can jump?” He asked.
I looked at the computer and the map, “At this speed we’ll be out of the planet’s gravity well in a few minutes.”
He nodded. “Use the back ways Merlyn. I don’t want to get stuck on one of the main Hyperspace lanes.”
“That will add more time to the journey.” I said setting the new directions into the nav computer.
He nodded. “I know. My people don’t expect me to arrive the same time as the Lightning. Thrawn asked me to keep you safe and this is as good a way as any.”
“Oki-doki.” I said and as soon as the nav computer peeped to let me know we could jump into hyperspace I punched it. The stars around us swirled and spun, then elongated and vanished. I set the auto pilot on and then got up out of my chair just in time to catch Ged who sagged against me.
He let out his breath. “Okay now I think I need your help. I need to lie down.” And he drew back the coat he was wearing to show me and I sucked in my breath. His shirt was soaked in blood. “The cortosis blade.” Ged explained, “I couldn’t avoid it.”
I swore. “You are a bloody idiot!”
“You got the bloody part right.” He grinned then hissed in pain.
I helped him up, got him to one of the crew bunks and helped him lie down. When I looked at the wound I winced for him. It was a nasty looking piece of business. Gingerly I touched the area around it he grunted in pain, laughing the way people do when they don’t want to scream in agony. For a second his eyes rolled back into his head and the sudden whiteness of his skin scared me. I smacked his face.
“Ged!” I yelled at him.
His eyelids fluttered and he looked at me. “Ow.” He muttered.
“Don’t you dare die on me!” I told him as I got out the med-kit.
“Not my plan.” He grimaced. “Don’t hit me again that hurts!”
“Stop being a big baby and lie still.” I started to cut the shirt carefully and peeled it off him as gently as I could. The wound, just under his ribs, was ugly and there was a lot of blood. Unlike a lightsaber the cortosis blade had not cauterised the wound and all the movement from fleeing the Imperial palace had not helped the matter. I waved the small medical scanner over it and for the first time felt a sense of relief.
“How bad is it?”
“You must live under a lucky star Ged Larsen.” I said digging through the medical kit for bacta injections and wound cleanser. “Lee’s blade missed everything important. It looks a lot worse than it is and it’s not as deep as I thought so we won’t need to find an emergency medical ship. You’ll have a lovely scar though.”
Ged struggled to sit up but I pushed him back down, pinning him to the bed by as he fought against me. “I don’t find this lucky at all. You’re undressing me and I can’t even enjoy it.” He struggled against my hold on him and it made him wince.
I made a noise of disgust. “Men, don’t you ever think of anything else?”
“Occasionally.” He replied, still trying to sit up. “But it’s difficult when a pretty woman is stripping you out of your clothes.”
“Well make the most of it fly-boy it’s the only time I’m doing this.” And I said those words I realised it was the truth. As much as I liked Ged and as much as when he kissed me he could make me shiver, I did not want anything more from him and when, just for a moment our eyes met, maybe he understood this as well.
He gave me a smile and went to say something but instead he hissed in pain through tightly clenched teeth and writhed when I touched the wound with gauze to clean it.
“Stay still damnit! I need to clean out the wound and it will hurt.”
“I can deal with the pain. Give me that I’ll do it myself.” He said reaching for my hand.
I rolled my eyes, slapping his hand away as grabbed for the gauze I was holding. I shook my head in disgust. “Men. You always want to play the tough guy. Just for once will you listen to me?”
“Oh Merlyn,” he whispered with a grin, “You really are a force of nature.”
With a sigh I sat back and stared at him. “And you are a bloody pain in the ass.” I told him and before he could protest I pressed the hypospray to the side of his neck and sedated him. He fought it until the sedative won and sleep took him. I sat for a second to catch my breath.
It had been Navaari who had shown me the right way to treat wounds such as this. Out on a hunt there were no medical droids or facilities so one had to be self sufficient and animals tended to either bite or claw in a fight. I could hear his voice in my head, assess the damage, clean the wound, staunch the bleeding then repair everything you can and bandage it all up well. This was not the first time I had helped a wounded man but I really hoped it would be the last.
Once the puncture in his side was thoroughly clean I pumped it full of bacta. It never ceased to amaze me how quickly it started the healing process. For a moment I waited to be sure it was working then I closed and bandaged the wound. Once that was done I just stared at him, stroked a stray lock of hair from his face, and covered him with a blanket. Sleep softened his features making him look even younger than he really was.
Suddenly exhausted, I sat back with my head against the bulkhead listening to the thrum of the engines and the sound of Ged breathing, allowing myself a few moments of rest before I cleaned up the mess. I took one last look at Ged to make sure he was really just sleeping and then left him to rest. I made my way to the fresher to wash up then went to my cabin to change into more comfortable clothes. Once that was done I felt a lot better.
I sat at the little table in the galley with my hands cradled around a cup of hot tea wondering about everything that had happened. It felt very surreal and I did not understand the half of it. I hoped that when he felt up to it Ged would explain more but I somehow doubted it and in any case he would be sedated for a good long while, the wound needed time to heal and I knew him well enough to know if he was awake that would not happen. Weary, I suddenly found myself missing Thrawn above all else and a stab of guilt at what had happened in the palace detention room made me sigh. I didn’t even know how to begin to explain any of what had happened and I was pretty sure Thrawn would be furious with me for getting into the mess in the first place, never mind the whole kissing part.
Since there wasn’t anything else to do and nowhere to go I got up, poured another cup of tea, grabbed a book from the small book shelf near the table and made my way back to the cockpit. I settled into my seat with my feet on the dashboard but I couldn’t seem to concentrate on the book in my hand. The slow route to the rendezvous point would take just over a week and I was glad I had enough fuel and supplies for a long run on board although we could stop at Tatooine if we needed to. I wasn’t worried about that. I was more concerned with what would happen once we returned to the Virulent and eventually have to tell Thrawn that Jarack was dead because one of the Empire’s finest black-ops agents had turned traitor amongst other things. He wasn’t going to like it, he wasn't going to like any of it at all.
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