In The Darkness of Dreams 8

Thrawn was as good as his word and when I woke up he was there at my side. With his help I got dressed and returned to our quarters, moving slowly through the corridors. I was aware of the pitying stares from the people we passed. The news had spread that I had lost the baby and everyone knew. I felt as though I had let not just Thrawn and our unborn child down but everyone on the base who had placed hope on the birth of this child as well. It was a heavy guilt that weighed on my shoulders and I didn’t know what to do with it.

When we reached our quarters I was never been more grateful to hear a door close behind me than at that moment. As I looked around the rooms, I found it strange how everything was the same yet utterly different. How in the blink of an eye the world had shifted sideways and nothing would ever be as it was. I had mourned deeply after the death of my father but that pain seemed strangely less intense to the terrible emptiness I experienced now. I felt the gentle touch of Thrawn’s hand on my back guiding me to sit down. I looked at him, moving as though I were sleep walking through some terrible holo-drama I couldn’t turn off.

“Will you be alright here alone? Shall I call Syal and see if she can spend some time with you?” He asked.

I shook my head hugging my arms around my body. The last thing I wanted was to have to be social in any way shape or form. “No, I will be fine.” I told him.

“If you need anything….” He started but I shook my head again.

“Just go, I know you’re busy. I don’t need a babysitter.” I told him flatly. “I just need to be left alone.”

He reached out to caress my face then but I side stepped him and moved away. I did not want to be touched or comforted. “Please don’t.” I whispered, wearing my sorrow like a shroud.

He nodded, withdrew and without further word left me to my own devices.

In the quiet aftermath of his departure the quarters we shared seemed claustrophobic and oppressive. The memory of what had happened was still too fresh, too great. I went into the small suite of rooms he had first given when I moved to Nirauan and entered, locking the adjoining door behind me. I had known loss my whole life but nothing had prepared me for this and I had no idea how to cope with it.

Two days passed and in that time friends came to see me although I could not really fathom why. Their expressions of sympathy fell on my ears like snow on an open field in the middle of nowhere. I didn’t hear them and I learned to hate the strange pitying look in their eyes as they tried to say how sorry they were. After a while I refused to answer the door and eventually the visiting stopped.

Doctor Thracer showed up to check up on me at Thrawn’s request and told me in detail what had happened and why. In the end, after telling me it was not my fault for the third time he just said, sadly, that sometimes these things just happen, and more often than not there was no singular reason.

“The very fact you were able to conceive and carry for as long as you did is an excellent sign.” He added. “We learned a great deal from this pregnancy and next time will know what to watch for.”

I looked at him, “Next time….” I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to go through this again.

“Yes, next time.” His words were forthright, kind and well meaning but they flowed through and over me. I could hear him speaking but none of it made any real sense. I knew he was worried, I could see it in his eyes but it all felt very far removed from what ever reality I now found myself in.
He paused for a moment and then he informed me that body of my son had been cremated and kept safe until I decided what to do with them. I just stared at him as though he were suddenly speaking a language I had never heard before.

Thrawn, who had remained quietly at my side for the doctor’s visit, kissed the top of my head gently as though that would make everything all better. “He did this at my request tekari, in accordance with Dantassi burial laws so that we may perform the rite of O’kuri’dai in the appointed time.”

I frowned at Thrawn’s words. I had only witnessed the O’kuri’dai once before. When a young couple I had been friends with at the enclave on Hjal had given birth to a still born child. It had been heartbreaking to watch as the parents had held the ashes of their baby’s body in their palms for the wind to carry off. It was a way of giving back to the earth to allow for a rebirth at a later date. I had clung to Navaari as we had watched the young couple struggle with their grief yet the ceremony had given them closure. I did not want this.

I shook my head at Thrawn. “No, no I don’t think so.” I whispered.

“Merlyn, you must….” Thrawn started but stopped when the doctor interrupted.

“Admiral, a word?”

The two men glanced at each other then headed to the other end of the room to discuss the current topic at hand, me. I listened to them talking about me in whispers as though I were a ghost in the room.

“I’m worried about her, now is not the time to discuss funeral arrangements.”

“As am I, but the O’kuri’dai must be performed by both parents, it is tradition.”

“Tradition or not, now is not the time, look at the state she is in.” The doctor was angry.

“I can see that Thomas but you know what she’s like, she internalizes everything and shuts the rest of us out. She will have to go to the end of this darkness in order to get past it.”

“And if she doesn’t? As I recall the last time that happened and you waited to intervene it didn’t go so well.”

“Yes, however the circumstances were very different. At that time I was also not in a very good state of mind and I was unable to help her. ” Thrawn’s sigh was loud and heavy.

“And you are able to help her now? You are barely here and when you are you spend most of that time in the subbasement working on your projects and experi….”

“Do not start that here.” Thrawn’s voice was soft and dangerous as he cut the doctor off mid word. “I have responsibilities I cannot ignore no matter what the circumstances. You would do well to remember that you have sworn secrecy and I count on your discretion. You are also the only person capable of aiding me so for the sake of peace between us do not bring this up again unless we are alone.”

“You should tell her.” Doctor Thracer hissed. “And you should talk with her, be with her.”

“I know you are worried, as am I but I would prefer, in this case, to give her the time she needs. Now she has friends here, she is loved and cherished. I would prefer not to force the issue and neither should you.”

“Well then, I will keep an eye on her while you are away.” Doctor Thracer said but he sounded skeptical. “But I disagree with your assessment of her ability to deal with this.”

“Your disagreement is noted.” Thrawn snapped, then relented, “I think even she did not realise how much she wanted this child.” Thrawn said softly. “Children have been a difficult subject for us, the timing has always been an issue, being a couple in secret never helped and she never thought she could conceive a child with me and now this….” His words had faded off as he seemed at a loss for what to say.

“The good news is she did conceive. If it happened once, it will happen again but right now her body needs to heal and so does her spirit. She’s been through so much already and I….”

I had turned around then to look at them both. “For sarlacc’s sake, if you want to discuss me with out including me in the conversation then you can bloody well go and do it somewhere else.” I snapped.

They stared at me for a moment and then left the room. Whatever else was discussed I was not privy to it, nor did I much care. From then on I refused to let anyone else into my quarters, not even Syal who came repeatedly to see me.

In the end Thrawn performed the Rite of O’kuri’dai, alone and in private, sharing his son’s ashes with the wind. Neither the Dantassi nor the Chiss believed that the soul entered the body before birth so the child had no name, it was a broken vessel which needed to be given back to the universe it came from. There would be no grave to visit, no place to make the child’s passing. On Tatooine there would have been a burial and a marker but here there would be only memory. I did not go with Thrawn to perform this rite even though he had asked me to and it widened the gulf between us further. I couldn’t face it because that meant facing the truth of what had happened and I wasn’t there yet. I wasn’t sure I ever would be.

Afterwards, when Thrawn was on the base, I barely saw him. He was busy with projects he kept quiet about and the base was in a strange state of flux There were under currents, that had I been more aware, would have worried me a little. I probably should have paid more attention but I was so wrapped up in my own grief that I failed to see what was going on, much less care.

Thrawn tried his best with the time he had to be there for me but I just shut him out preferring to sit in my own room in the quiet and the dark. We would have fought if I had had the energy or the will but instead I shrugged him off, cringing when he tried to touch me, becoming withdrawn when he tried to talk sense into me. I did not understand how he could continue to work as though nothing had happened. I felt a terrible and inexplicable sense of betrayal which I let him know.

“It is my job, tekari.” He said simply. “I cannot stay permanently based on Nirauan. I am the leader of these fleets, these men and women. They rely on me and I cannot just let all of that go, no matter what I feel.”

“Our child is dead and you act as though nothing has happened.” I told him flatly.

“No, I do my work and I mourn in private.” He explained. “I am leading a war. I cannot afford to appear weak in any form so tell me how should I go about it Merlyn? How?”

I shook my head, “I don’t know.” I whispered.

He drew a deep breath, “I need to know that you will be okay while I am away because as it stands right now I am concerned. You look like a ghost.”

I gave him a look, “Doctor Thracer says I am just fine.”

“No, what he told you was that physically you are healthy but that was several days ago and since then I doubt he would come to the same conclusion if you were to actually go and talk to him as I have suggested.” He replied, “You barely eat. When you are not asleep you sit alone, locked in your private rooms and I do not know how to help you. You will not let me share your grief and I cannot drop what I am doing to sit along side you in the dark.”

“How can I share this?” I asked, “You cannot possibly know what it is like to carry life and then to lose it, you have no idea!” My anger spilled into my words like poison.

He regarded me for a long time, his expression closed and unreadable and then he nodded, “Yes you are right. I have no idea of what you experienced or how it feels.” He drew a deep breath, “I can only tell you of my own sorrow. I can only tell you that you are not the only one here who lost something precious and you are not the only person grieving but none of this is enough is it?”

“So what? Do you expect me to just get over this like you? Do expect me to be emotionless and cold? I am not a machine!” I avoided his question altogether in favour of picking a fight and being mean.

He didn’t take the bait and answered me softly. “No, no I do not. I expect you to share your grief with me, not shut me and everyone else who cares for you out so that you can become a shadow swallowed whole by this terrible thing that happened. You need to weep and mourn for the loss but then you need to get past it and move on. It is as if you also died and I do not know what to do about it.”

I turned my back on him but he was short on time and patience. He caught my arm gently and turned me around to face him again; he caressed my face tenderly and said. “Nothing and no one can replace what we lost but there will be other children, I promise you.” He said.

It might have been the right thing to say but it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I pulled out of his grasp angrily, “Go back to your war games and leave me the hell alone.” I said coldly and walked out of the room to lock myself in the fresher where I sat for hours willing my tears to come but they never did. It was truly as if, with the death of the baby I had carried, I too had died.

In The Darkness of Dreams 7

I scrambled out of bed and immediately doubled over in agony because felt as though some giant hand had reached deep into my abdomen and was squeezing as hard as it could. I gasped, fighting down the need to scream while trying not to panic. I had the presence of mind to grab my comm-link as I activated the med-alert bracelet the doctor had given me. By the time I made it to the fresher I was more scared than I could ever remember being.

I curled up in a ball on the floor protecting my baby or at least trying to. When my comm peeped I activated it, listening to the Doctor’s voice. He seemed very far away. I had no idea what he was saying to me. In a voice that sounded ragged to my ears I told him to come quickly, that something was very wrong and that he had better hurry. Everything was a blur and when he and the med droid arrived. I was not sure what was real and what wasn’t. I heard the door to our quarters open and I heard his voice call my name. It was the med-droid who found me first and alerted Doctor Thracer. He knelt on the floor beside me and did a cursory exam. He didn’t say anything, he just gave orders to the med-droid hovering at his side quietly. The small scanner in his hand peeped and he read the information it gave him without comment or change in his expression.

“Okay Merly we’re going to get you to the medlab.” He said gently as he and the droid helped me up to the hover-chair he had with him.

“My baby…?”

“I want you to breathe slowly; can you do that for me?” He asked calmly without answering my question.

I nodded and tried to do as he asked but the pain kept getting in the way. “What’s wrong? What’s happening?”

He lied to me to try and keep me calm, “I can’t say for certain until I get a more detailed scan, I need to get you to the med-lab now.”

I was terrified and Doctor Thracer’s avoidance of my questions was more frightening than anything else. By the time we reached the med lab I was in tears and irrational with fear. The transfer from the hover chair to the exam bed was awkward and when I realised then that there was blood on my dress any grip I had on my panic was lost.

“Merlyn, you need to breathe and I need you to calm down, I know you’re scared and I know it’s difficult to do but you have to try. I don’t want to give you any sedatives until I have a clear idea of what is happening so please try to breathe and try not to panic.” His voice was calm, careful and utterly terrifying.

“But I’m bleeding.” I looked at him in horror as if he could not see this for himself. An irrational part of my mind wondered if the Emperor in my dream had somehow been real and in trying to tear my baby from my womb with his bare hands was responsible for what was happening now but when I looked at my abdomen all I saw was smooth, unblemished skin.

“I know.” He said in a serious tone of voice all the while never stopping what he was doing. “Have you felt the baby move today?”

“What?” I shook my head trying to process his question, trying to remember. “Yes, maybe?” Suddenly I wasn’t so sure. I couldn’t think straight, “I don’t know. I thought he kicked earlier but maybe not, it felt strange but it was hard to tell…I don’t know.”

He nodded. “Was there any spotting, anything unusual at all?”

“No spotting but unusual?…I don’t…I don’t…,” I shook my head, panic was clouding my ability to think straight. “I don’t know, no I don’t think so.” I was suddenly so afraid. “I just felt off today but I thought it was normal.”

He nodded, “Well an off day isn’t unusual, especially given the circumstances that you live with here.” He said calmly, “I meant did you have any unusual pains?”

“No… well my back hurt but I thought that was just me…oh no…I should have come to you but I didn’t want to be a pest…this is my fault, I should have….”

He didn’t let me finish my sentence. “No, you did nothing wrong.”

“But this isn’t right, is it?” My voice trembled.

He looked at me for a moment but he didn’t say anything and I understood through his silence that my worst nightmare was coming true.

“It’s too soon,” I shook my head in denial, “It’s too early.”

“Yes.” He replied all the while never pausing in what he was doing.

“Can you stop this?” I asked as the med droid at his side helped me to undress and redress in a gown that tied at the back.

He did not answer my question. He just gestured for me to lie down. And I did so I winced as another wave of pain undulated through my abdomen. He set the auto scan in motion, the expression on his face was both neutral and grim all at the same time. I stared up at the ceiling, wiping the tears off my face trying to will myself to wake up except I was awake and there was nothing I could do about it. A sudden and tearing sensation and the terrible need to push made me cry out in pain. I struggled to sit up and was shocked when I did to see red spreading quickly beneath me on the sheet.

“Doc?” My voice sounded so small and far away to my ears that I wasn’t even sure it was me that was speaking.

He swore under his breath. “Prep room one now!” He barked at the medical droid while guiding me to lie back down. Now he was no longer calm, now he was agitated and worried. The tension in the room had ramped up several notches.

“How bad?” I looked up into his face as he worked and saw the answer to my unasked question in his eyes when he glanced away from the readout to look at me.

“I’m sorry.” He said gently as he prepared a hypospray. “You need surgery right now.”

“No, please no….” I shook my head and began to fight against him as I succumbed to my panic. No amount of words, gentle or firm, from him could calm me down. He did the only thing left to him so that he could work, he sedated me fully. I felt the warmth of the drug spider its way into my system and within a few seconds the bright medlab lights, noisy machines and the hovering droids slid away into a dark void along with any hope I might have had that this would turn out okay.

*** *** ***

The world came back to me in bits and pieces, the steady bleep of a machine, the hum of a droid’s servos and the swish of the main door opening and closing. I let the sounds wash over me. Slowly I became aware of voices speaking in low, hushed tones near me but I my eyelids were so heavy I could not open them.

“How is she?” It was a woman’s voice, Syal’s voice.

“She’s doing well all things considered.” The doctor answered her. He sounded tired.

“What happened? Voss was not specific in details, he just said it was an emergency.”

He sighed, “She went into preterm labour with complications that required emergency surgery.”

“The baby?”

“There was no chance. He was stillborn. There was nothing I could have done for him.”

“Oh no.” Syal’s voice was full of sorrow. “She’s going to be devastated.”

“You’re her best friend. I thought it might be good if someone other than me was here when she woke up.”

I listened to the words being spoken around me but they didn’t really sink in. I was still too dopey to register everything that had happened but I knew I had lost the baby.

“Will she be …alright?”

“As I said, there were some complications and she lost a lot of blood but she will make a full recovery physically. How’s she’s going to cope mentally, Syal, I can’t tell you.” He sounded terribly sad.

“Does Thrawn know yet?”

“I sent word to the Chimaera as soon as she came out of surgery. He was already en-route to the base; he will be here as soon as he can.”

“Can I see her?”

“Don’t expect much.” He said. “She’s heavily sedated.”

The curtain around the bed moved and I felt the warmth of someone’s hand taking mine in theirs. “Merly?”

I moved my head and opened my eyes a little to see Syal sit next to the bed. I opened my mouth to speak but Syal hushed me.

“Shhh,” She whispered, stroking my hair.

“Syal?”

“Just rest, everything will be okay.” She said quietly, telling me the lies that all best friends tell when nothing would ever be alright again. So I closed my eyes and allowed myself to fall backwards into the abyss what ever sedatives where still in my system, comforted by the touch of her hand.

Time spun outwards, allowing me small, strange glimpses of a reality I didn’t fully understand. A dream world stole me away but nothing I saw made sense. I awoke feverish and delirious with some sort of infection. Pain and sorrow mingled with delusion and resentment leaving me bewildered and unable to stay coherent. The doctor, the med droids, as well as what felt like too many other people, hovered around me but it was all white noise and a blur. I knew that I wasn’t well and people were worried but I did not care. The drugs I was being fed intravenously swept all the anxiety and fear away leaving only a strange sense of being out of time and space.

The next time I woke the fever had broken and my mind was clear. Everything that had happened came flooding back and the memory of it was excruciating. My hand went to my abdomen and I choked back a sob.

“I’m here, you’re safe.”

I turned my head to see Thrawn sitting near the bed, half in the shadows. He had been watching me sleep and by the looks of him he had been there for some time. He was out of uniform and he looked tired. He got up and sat on the bed by my side. He stroked my face with the backs of his fingers.

“How are you feeling?”

“Empty.” I said, “Exhausted, and thirsty.”

“The last part I can help you with.” He said as he poured me a cup of water and helped me sit up to drink it. When I was done he set the cup aside and, pulling the chair closer, sat back down in it. There was a long silence I didn’t know how to fill it. It felt to me that Thrawn was also unsure of how to proceed. I looked into his eyes wondering if hated me, if he blamed me for what happened.

“I am so sorry.” I whispered when I could no longer stand the heavy quiet.

Thrawn shook his head. “You have no need to apologise. This was not your fault. Thomas said the problem lay in incompatible genetics; the baby’s heart stopped hours before you started to miscarry. There was nothing you or he could have done to change that.” His jaw muscles tightened as he clenched his teeth. “You are lucky that it was not worse. If you had waited before calling for help things could have gone very badly for you.”

I heard his words but they were meaningless. “I was his mother, he was growing inside of me I should have known something was wrong, I should have seen it coming. I should have protected him.”

“How?” Thrawn asked, clearly puzzled by my words.

“All those terrible dreams I had, they were clues….”

Thrawn sat back from me and scrubbed at his face with his hands. “They were dreams nothing more. You are not a seer or a goddess with infallible powers. You are….” But I didn’t let him finish.

“I was his mother.” I said again as if it would make any difference.

Thrawn nodded, “Yes and I was his father and I, too, was powerless to prevent this tragedy.” He spoke quietly. I looked away from him fighting back a sudden anger I didn’t understand. He reached over and gently guided my chin so that I faced him again. “I am also sorry that I was not here for you. I am so sorry you had to go through all of this alone. We both feel loss, we are both mourning. Our child is dead, yes, but none of this is your fault.” The sorrow in his voice was real and painful to hear.

“Our child is dead.” My voice shook as I repeated Thrawn’s words. It hit me then and I could not stop the terrible knot of pain that suddenly stuck in my gut. I felt as though I could not breathe and clutched at my chest gasping for air. I felt as though I were drowning.

Thrawn shifted again to sit on the bed so he could pull me to him and hold me tightly. His hand held my head to his chest while he rubbed my back with the other. “I know.” He said quietly.

I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. All my emotions caught in my throat and I could not let them go. “I can’t… I can’t….” I gasped, “I can’t….”

His hand never stopped caressing my back as I hyperventilated. “Breathe out slowly, just breathe.”

I shook my head trying to get the words out, trying to find release for the terrible anguish bottle-necked within me. “I can’t….” I couldn’t finish any sentence I started. The ache of loss was overwhelming but there was no way to let it go.

Thrawn kissed the top of my head as he pulled me even tighter. “I know tekari, give it time, just give it time.”

He held me in silence until my breathing returned to normal and I began to drift back to sleep, laying me gently back against the pillows, handling me as though I were made of fragile glass. “Rest, I will be here when you wake up. I promise.”

I nodded, closing my eyes, feeling him shift off the bed and move away. The curtain moved as he closed it behind him to give me privacy.

“Thomas, how long does she need to stay here?”

There was a moment of quiet. “I see no reason why she cannot return to your quarters in the morning. It will do her good to get out of this medlab to a more private, comfortable place.” There was another moment of quiet and then the doctor asked, “Was there something else?”

“I’m moving the time frame the Wayland project ahead. I need you to finish what we started tonight so that we can move on to stage two as soon as possible.”

“Tonight? You cannot be serious?” Doctor Thracer asked.

“The schedule has changed. The priorities have changed. I need you to set it up now with no more discussions and no more arguments. I understand your feelings on this matter but they are irrelevant. The current project must end and the new one started before I return to the Chimaera at all costs.” Thrawn’s voice was low and hard.

“And when will that be?”

“Just as soon as I have concluded my business here, Thomas.” Thrawn’s reply was sharp but the doctor’s tone matched it.

“And Merlyn, is she part of that business? Have you told her what is going to happen? What you have planned? What about her future? She needs you now more than ever.”

“I am aware of her needs and her future is not your concern at this time, her health is.” Thrawn’s voice was as hard as stone. “When the time is right she will be apprised of the situation.”

“She has friends on Coruscant. I hope your plans include keeping them alive too because right now the last thing that young woman needs is another loss.”

“I am well aware of that Thomas and you need to learn to trust me.” Thrawn replied icily, “Now you have your orders, please carry them out.”

If there was an answer I never heard it as sleep mercifully claimed me.