Endings and Beginnings 8

The galaxy stood still and held its breath. So did I.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Navaari appear from the kitchen with a tray which he quietly and quickly set down on the nearest table before taking a step closer to me. I looked at him helplessly and shook my head ever so slightly believing, foolishly, that were he to touch me this spell would break. I turned back to stare at the ghost I was seeing.

“Za’ar?” I whispered, frowning.

He nodded ever so slightly.

 I wondered if I had died because I was completely and utterly numb. Even my heart felt as though it had stopped beating. Then sensation and feeling returned in a rush, blood pounded in my ears and my legs buckled. Had Navaari not moved swiftly and caught me I would have landed ungracefully on the floor.

“It is okay little pup.” His gentle voice reassured. “I have you.”

I clung to him tightly because he was solid and I had no bones. I looked at him as though I had never seen him before in my life and then looked back at the dead man whose body I was certain I had transported to Csilla to be cremated so that his ashes could be spread amongst the stars. None of this could possibly be real but apparently it was. 

Of all the emotions that coursed through my body the one that clawed its way to the top first was anger and it hit me like a wall of white hot rage. I let it have its way. It made me solid and whole again, giving me strength. I tore out of Navaari’s grip and before anyone could think to stop me I hauled off and hit Thrawn across the face so hard he stepped back from the force of it.

Still nobody moved or said a word and then, finally, Navaari broke the silence. “This was not what we had agreed to. I do not understand why you think that doing things in this way is clever.” He glared at Thrawn, “She does not like to be surprised in this manner, you are knowing this but still you insist. Now you have only yourself to blame for the aftermath”

I whirled about to stare at Navaari, “You knew?” I could not keep the incredulity from my voice. “You knew he was alive and you didn’t tell me?”

“No, Kycsi’i I did not.” Navaari said. It was the truth. “We heard word of his death a week ago. I expected you would come here sooner or later so I waited for you instead of leading the spring hunt.” He sighed and shot a look of disgust at Thrawn, “He arrived on the planet earlier today although the first I knew of this was shortly before I set out to fetch you. The discussion we had about how best to inform you of what he had done, that he was not dead as you had been led to believe was not productive.”

I just shook my head in disbelief.

Navaari continued, “There was no time to talk about these matters by the landing, you were in no condition for such discussions in such cold, bad weather. I saw in your eyes that haunted look, when I hugged you I knew you were nothing but skin and bones. You look now the same way you did the very first time you were here, a ghost. ” He said sounding terribly unimpressed.  “I would not have kept this from you and I wanted to be the one to break the news gently but the journey here was an inappropriate place for such a conversation. I wanted you to be somewhere warm and safe.” And I understood that he had been afraid I might do something stupid again, like run off into the storm. He was never ever going to let me forget about that.  I scowled but he ignored me and continued. “I did not wish for you to be shocked in this manner but it seems that what I wanted for you played no role in any of this. I am sorry.”

I went to speak but discovered I didn’t know what to say. I made hard fists with my hands, the pain from my nails digging into my palms kept me sane for the moment.

Navaari sighed, shook his head and then he kissed the top of my head lightly. “Try to forgive him, little pup, he had his reasons although I was not agreeing with any of them.”

I clutched Navaari’s hand tightly pulling him to me. “Is this even real?” I asked him in a whisper.

He clasped my face between his hands nodded. “Yes.”

“Merlyn...” The dead man spoke gently but a hand gesture from Navaari shut him down immediately.

“You have done more than enough damage with your ways here, do not make it worse.” Navaari shot a look at Thrawn that would have wilted a lesser man. “This was very poorly played.” And with that, before I could stop him, he was gone.

The silence that settled about us was deafening. Thrawn rubbed his jaw slowly all the while never taking his eyes off me. He didn’t say a word and it angered me even more so I went to hit him again but he caught my wrist mid strike.

“Once was enough.” He said gently. 

I just stared at him. My head was so full of white noise that I couldn’t think straight and it blinded me to the fact that I was standing in front of the man I loved and thought I had lost to death forever. For a moment everything stopped while he waited watching me and then all the anger I had been holding inside exploded.

 “You bastard! Do you have any idea of what I went through, what you put me through?” I yelled at him, “Do you have any idea at all?” Still holding my wrist, he waited silently and suddenly the rest of my fury unleashed. “You died!” I shouted, and to punctuate my anger I beat him on the chest with my free hand, curled up in a tight fist. “You were murdered! I saw you in the morgue, stabbed through the heart. Your body was cold and lifeless and I was the one who had to drag it back to your home world, me all alone with your corpse in a box on my ship for weeks. I had hoped it wasn’t really you but they confirmed it with DNA, undeniable proof! I sat through your memorial service, the only human there and it was awful! Do you have any idea what that was like? DO YOU?” 

When I finally stopped to take a breath he just stood there letting me hit him and still he said nothing. His strange silence infuriated me more. “I thought you were dead! You let me believe you were dead! How could you do this to me? How Could You?” I would have kept on hitting him but finally he caught this wrist as well. Trapped, hysterical, I struggled and flailed against him, screaming at him. He just held me until my rage ran its course and something else, something less violent and less full of anguish took its place.

I stopped dead and stared into his eyes trying to put all the pieces of this irrational puzzle together but I couldn’t. Then, bereft of anger, I sagged against him and gasped, trying to recall how to breathe, how to stand, how to even think straight only to discover I couldn’t do any of these things well. He let go of my wrists to wrap his arms tightly around me all the while remaining silent, letting me cry. At some point he had managed to pull me back so that we sat on the couch together and when the crying had given way to hiccuping breaths he just held me.

“Are you calm now?” He asked, brushing still damp hair from my face.

I nodded but it was a lie I wasn’t calm at all I was confused, exhausted and numb. If I had been thinking properly I would have smacked him again for asking me that question.

“I’m sorry.” He said. “I know that what you experienced must have been difficult and I’m sorry.”

“Difficult?” I jerked my head up to star at him in disbelief, beetling my eyebrows together, trying to unravel this new logic. “You were dead and I have been living with this for weeks dead but now you’re not and you think it must have been difficult?”

He shook his head and a slight smile graced the corners of his mouth. “I am not dead but Grand Admiral Thrawn is.”

I drew a deep raggedy breath and pulled out of his hold to hug my knees tightly to my chest.  “But you are Grand Admiral Thrawn.” I said slowly wondering if had suddenly started to speak a foreign language neither us had in common.

“Not any longer.”

I rested my head on my knees. He stroked my back with the tips of his fingers while he waited for me to catch up. When I finally raised my head to look at him he smiled.

“Then who are you?” I asked.

“Nikätza’arth’pavjäska.”

“Za’ar?”

He nodded.

“I don’t understand.” I shook my head. I was too tired to try and unravel this new turn of events.

He got up and poured two cups of tea from the pot on the tray and handed me one. I welcomed the warmth of the cup and the tea which was heady and sweet.  He sat back down at my side and regarded me for what seemed an eternity. When he caressed the side of my face with the back of his hand I didn’t respond to it and just watched him warily without moving. He withdrew and sipped from his own cup.

“You pack quite a punch, you know that?” He said instead of answering me right away.

“I should have hit you harder.” I growled, the anger was still there lurking beneath the surface.

“I am grateful that you didn’t.” He replied evenly.

“How is this possible? You’re dead, I saw you dead. I carted your corpse halfway across the galaxy.”

He nodded, “Well, that was a version of me.”

“A version? What do you mean by a ver....” and then the penny dropped. “A clone? The body I took to Csilla was a clone? I’ve just spent these past many weeks grieving for a clone? You put me through hell for a clone?” I could feel my anger resurfacing again.

“It was the only way.”

“The only way?” I asked slowly. I had absolutely no idea how to react to this.

“I always told you that I would do whatever it takes to serve and protect my people. This included dying if necessary.”

“You can’t take care of anything if you are dead.” I told him crossly, slithers of anger resurfacing.

He caressed my face gently. “No, I can’t.” He agreed. “But you made it possible so that I could perhaps use the possibility of death to my advantage. You gave me enough information that I was able to extrapolate a probable where and how and possibly when my death might happen. This made it possible to take precautions against it.” He paused for a moment then said, “When I showed you the cloning facility on Nirauan I was showing you the future, my future. The clone in that tank, the one you asked about was me.”

“You lied to me?”

He shrugged ever so slightly, “I omitted certain facts.”

“That is the same as lying.” I growled.

“I suppose it is.” He replied offhandedly, “It was necessary and the ysalamiri made it possible, given your lovely little gift in that area. You couldn’t know what I was doing, what I was planning, because there was a possibility that none of it would work and given the strange truth your dreams seem to hold I didn’t want to give you false hope based on an experiment that, as far as I am aware, had never been done before.”

I suddenly remembered something Ged had mentioned in passing. “You were transferring your consciousness to your clone? And it worked?”

“Partially.” He arched one eyebrow slightly and smiled. “I wanted to create clones that would not only follow orders but think strategically, logically and be able to lead without the issues that clones seem to have. I wanted to take the best aspects of the donor’s personality and infuse a clone with them to make a better leader. ” He studied me for a moment then continued. “I used myself as the first template, I could not ask anyone else to take part in such an experiment if I first did not know what the risks were or even if it was possible. There were other men I wished to use as possible templates for clone leaders, good men with great minds but first I needed to make sure I could transfer specific parts of a conscious mind, the useful parts, the knowledge and the ability to think in many directions first to see if it worked at all.”

“And did it?”

He smiled, “You tell me, you met my clone on several occasions.”

I frowned trying to remember when this could have been and then it suddenly occurred to me. I grabbed his arm and pushed up his sleeve, choking back on a sob when I saw the bond-bracelet around his wrist glinting in the candlelight.

I traced the wound metal with a trembling fingertip, “I looked for this but it wasn’t on your...his...its... body and the Chimaera’s doctor told me that all his...your... things had been destroyed as per your wishes. I thought maybe it had also been destroyed, lost or taken somehow....” my voice trailed off and tears welled up in my eyes again. “He never wore it, he said it was against regulations and duty forbade it but you...you never took it off.” I wondered how I could have missed this.

“No one but I can wear this, no one, not even a clone of me. You know this I’ve explained how the bio-linking works before, it’s based on complete body chemistry not just DNA alone. It should have been your first clue.”

His arrogant words infuriated me but I restrained myself from slapping him again. “So when you, he, that man was on base and didn’t want to touch me, seemed so cold and unyielding and wasn’t wearing this that really wasn’t you?”

“No. It wasn’t. When have I ever refused you?” He asked.

I gave him a look that could have killed a hutt. “You used me.” I stated flatly, “You used me as an experiment?” I shook my head, “A test? You wanted to find out if I could guess which was real and which one wasn’t? If he could pass by me then he could pass by the rest of the galaxy is that it?” I would have said more but I found myself bereft of words as my anger at him grew. I could have killed him for what he had done but luckily for him I had learned some self control over the years.









to be continued...

Endings and Beginnings 7

The small reception afterwards was held in a warmly decorated room. There were delicate finger foods and drinks served by silent, aloof wait staff. The chatter amongst the attendees was appropriately muted and sombre. I declined the offer of food but took a glass of what tasted a lot like ice-wine and sipped it politely. A few of the Chiss glanced at me and there were hushed whispers as I walked past them but no one came near me and no spoke to me either. I didn’t belong here and it painfully obvious. Eventually Aristocra Chaf’orm’bintrano took pity on me came over to where I stood gazing at a live-time view screen of the outside world.

“It was a ... lovely... ceremony.” I said for lack of anything else to talk about.

“I am grateful you feel we have honoured him appropriately.” The Aristocra replied, looking around the room, “You must forgive my people; they are not used to outsiders and are very wary of humans who return our dead.”

“There is nothing to forgive, Aristocra I understand.” I said quietly.

“I want to thank you for all that you have done. The information on the disks you delivered to me is most... invaluable and will be of great use. I am also grateful to you for bringing Mitth’raw’nuruodo’s body home. We may not appear to be a caring race but we honour our fallen just the same. He served his people well in his time.”

I nodded. “More than most will ever know I suspect.”

The Aristocra raised his eyebrows in slight surprise at my forward statement, “Indeed.”

“What will happen to him now?” I asked suddenly.

“As we speak his body is being cremated and his ashes will be scattered in space, as you can imagine burial is difficult on this planet.”

I had to swallow down the sharp sting of grief that washed through me, “How fitting an end for a man who had stars in his blood.”

“You certainly do have a way with words.” The Aristocra said quietly, regarding me for a long moment before asking. “If you do not mind me asking, what will you do now?”

“I have one last task to complete for Mitth’raw’nuruodo and then, well, then I do not know but I have a friend waiting for me to return, perhaps I can begin again working with him.” I answered with a slight shrug. I knew Ged would be there for me as he had promised and it was a small comfort in time that felt bleak and empty but I wasn’t sure I was ready to return to the Empire’s service or what was left of it, not yet at least.

“One last task?” The Aristocra raised an eyebrow, “I would have thought there would be no more business to conclude and traditionally once the body of the deceased is brought home for the remembrance ceremony it signifies the end of anything unfinished.”

“Well, Thrawn never did anything the traditional way.” I retorted more sharply than I had intended to, forgetting my manners for a moment. The Aristocra let it slide.

“If I may inquire, what it is you must do?” He asked, genuinely interested.

This open curiosity was not, according to everything Thrawn had ever told me about his people, a trait usually common in the Chiss, it made me regard the man standing at my side with new eyes. “I am to travel to the planet of Hjal.”

The Aristocra raised an eyebrow in surprise. “Hjal?” He asked. “That is home to one of the colonies of Mathäd’antass’Iyantha, is it not?”

I smiled at hearing the formal use of their name. “Yes. It is.”

He paused to consider this information for a moment. “That is most unusual, why, if I may ask yet another personal question, would he send you there?”

I faltered trying to answer the question diplomatically, “We…I have family there, people who will need to be told what has happened to him if they do not already know. I also have a data packet to deliver. I think he planned it this way so I would end up in a place where I would not be alone or considered an outsider, a place where I could grieve in peace. ” I answered not knowing how else to describe what Navaari was to me.

“Family?” He asked taken aback. “He, you belonged to a clan there?

I nodded. “It is a very long story Aristocra and it is not all mine to tell.”

He regarded me quietly for a long moment then nodded more to himself than to me, “There were whispers that he had strong connections to the Mathäd’antass’Iyantha here but he never spoke of it to anyone that I was ever aware of. It would explain a great deal about a great many things surrounding him and his ideals.” He said more to himself than to me, then he returned his gaze to me and continued, suddenly understanding a piece of the puzzle I was to him, “And it explains your name. You did not give a Basic name when you were asked to identify yourself but one that had Chiss syntax and yet was not a Chiss name. You must be a remarkable woman to have been adopted into a clan of the Mathäd’antass’Iyantha.”

“Being remarkable had very little to do with it.” I replied with a shrug. Using my Dantassi name had been something Thrawn’s instructions had been very clear about and although I hadn’t understood why I had done as he had suggested. As with almost everything else he seemed to have mapped out how things would fall into play. Why should this be any different?

The Aristocra was silent for a moment and then said, “You are free to leave Csilla whenever you wish but I would very much appreciate it if you would share my evening meal with me. I have not met many of your kind and my experiences have been less than stellar. Humans are remarkable in their wide range of emotions and temperaments most of which we Chiss find unpleasant. You have been a rare gift, with your knowledge of our manners and customs and I should very much like to learn a little more about you as well as your time with the Mathäd’antass’Iyantha if you would acquiesce to this small request it would please me greatly.”

What he was asking was an immense honour and I could not turn it down. I felt almost as if the future of something great depended upon it so I nodded. “I would like that very much Aristocra. Thank you”

“Then I shall make the necessary arrangements. Now I am afraid I must leave you, I have unavoidable business to attend to and forgive me for saying this but you do look as though you could use some rest.”

He was not wrong in his assessment and I gratefully accepted the escort back to the guest quarters where I was staying. I showered and then I decided to lie down but I couldn’t sleep or still my mind instead I lay there pondering everything that had happened. It felt as though a lifetime had passed and I had lost track of time since I had been given the news of Thrawn’s death. The days had blurred together strangely but now that the memorial service was over his death felt final, not real, but final. Now I was facing my life without him and it was all I could do to put one foot in front of the other, living from breath to breath and moving forward because there could be no going back but I would never be the same. I discovered that I had no more tears to cry, at least not now. I didn’t know what to think but I knew how I felt and I was inexplicably furious at Thrawn.

He had made all of these plans for his death knowing it would happen because I had told him over and over again. He had known and yet he hadn’t done a damn thing to prevent it, instead he had simply made all the right arrangements to get me to cart his body to his home world, planning meticulously each step of the way. The instructions he had left for me had been clear and very precise yet somehow cold and devoid of anything personal. I suppose he that while he had known of his death the exact timing was not anything he could foresee. If he had left me any personal messages of love or farewell I hadn’t found them and I was grateful for it. All the instructions he did leave made me feel like a puppet and I hated him for it. I wondered how he could have done this to me and then I wondered if he had ever really cared for me at all or if our time together had all been some convoluted elaborate ruse to get me to be a part in some greater scheme he had mapped out. I had no answers only far too many questions.

I would be glad to leave here and be with Navaari. On Hjal I could express my emotions freely, whatever they might be, and there was a support network there for me. Maybe one day I would take Ged up on his offer but for now all I wanted to do was hide from the galaxy, hide from my pain and grief and be with people who would keep my life simple and expect nothing from me. Until then I was trapped on a planet far from anything familiar with a people who saw me as utterly alien and treated me as though I were both dangerous and beneath them. I lay on the bed, sad, bewildered and angry, staring at the ornate ceiling until I was sent for to dine with the Aristocra.

It was a nice meal and I tried very hard not let my emotions leak out. I was surprised when he broke with standard Chiss protocol to talk with me while we ate and the discussion all throughout the meal was lively and interesting. He asked me a great many questions about the Core worlds and my life and he seemed genuinely curious about the fall of the Empire and all the events which had led up to it. I did my best to fill him in without getting too bogged down in the details. I also tried to be as impartial as I could but it was hard not to spit some anger when speaking of how the rebellion had managed to unhinge everything I had known.

In turn he told me about some of his earliest encounters with humans and learned how Thrawn had captured a smuggler’s ship that had somehow found its way into Chiss space.

“Dubrak Qennto, the captain of the ship, was not a man I would like to spend much time with ever again. I found him rude and abrupt. His greed ruled him and he was a most disagreeable example of humanity. His first mate and I believe also his, how do you say...girl-friend; Maris Ferasi was far too idealistic to be entangled with such a rough man. I believe she was rather attracted to Mitth’raw’nuruodo which also might also have caused some friction.”

“Really.” I said flatly. “Thrawn failed to mention that.”

The Aristocra smiled. “It was a many years ago, I’m sure Mitth’raw’nuruodo had long forgotten about it, he had many other things on his mind at the time. The only member of the crew who seemed to be in any way truly interested in us was a young man by the name of Jorj Car’das. He was instrumental in teaching Mitth’raw’nuruodo basic and he was able to somewhat learn our language although I must admit it was painful to listen to him sometimes.

“Jorj Car’das?” I smiled at the name.

“You know this man?”

I shook my head, “By name only I’m afraid. He is a well known smuggler with a reputation for being quite ruthless, the other two I’ve never heard of.”

“Given their personalities I am not very surprised. They did not seem too interested in much beyond their own needs and comforts. They were our first real contact with your kind though and for us they are known as the Visitors. It is through them that we learned basic although most Chiss choose not to study it, some have, finding it of use every now and then. Mitth’raw’nuruodo was one of these people and I see his foresight served him well, as it always did.”

“Yes, if there was one thing Thrawn excelled at it was thinking many steps ahead.” I agreed.

“It was a gift of his, I think. I have not seen too many others who have been able to do what he could with such accuracy.”

“You sound as though you admire him but he was an exile to you and your people.”

The Aristocra looked at me for a moment and then he smiled. “Is that so strange?” He asked. “He was a brilliant man but he was unconventional and he disregarded our rules. While I am capable of admiring his skills in the areas of tactical and strategic thought I am also honour bound to uphold the laws of my people. He broke the law in such a blatant manner that it could not be forgiven or ignored. Now I have a better understand of why and that makes my admiration for him all the more great.”

“He was one of the very few people who dared to go against the wishes of Emperor Palpatine. I think he enjoyed the jax and mouse games but he didn’t like court life very much although he was also very good at it.” I said.

“No, I do not imagine he would enjoy it much, he never had much patience when it came to political intrigue although, yes, he played it well enough when it suited his purpose. Whatever else he was, first and foremost, he belonged in space. We knew this about him from a very early age which was why he was chosen to join house Nuruodo as a merit adoptive. Had he not been exiled he would have added to the house bloodline with a suitable marriage and eventually offspring.” The Aristocra then smiled, “Perhaps this is another reason he wished to leave Chiss society. Arranged marriages are not always to the liking of the people involved and he was never one to do something just because he was ordered to. For many love plays a significant role when it comes to choosing a bond-mate and not all arranged parings ever have that aspect.”

I gave an uncomfortable shrug. “This is not a topic he discussed with me much. In fact, he rarely spoke about his life before working for the Empire. Although he did teach me much about the Chiss in general I know very little about his life here.” I said by way of an answer, “And I don’t think that love ever influenced anything he ever did. I am quite sure that had it been required, had he not been exiled, he would have complied with your traditions in this matter.” I had trouble keeping the sudden flare of bitterness out of my voice and shut up before it got the better of me.

The Aristocra raised both eyebrows at my words. “I would not presume to know better but I think both he and I would disagree with you on this point. That you are here, that he taught you so very much about us and our ways speaks volumes. I think he must have cared a great deal for you.”

I clenched my teeth, still angry. “Well if he did, Aristocra, he had a funny way of showing it.”

There was a lengthy moment of weighted silence and then the Aristocra sat back in his chair. “Perhaps if I might ask, how did the two of you meet?”

I was surprised at his question and for a moment I wasn’t sure how to answer but then, because he had asked, I told him about my very first meeting with Thrawn on the balcony at the Imperial Palace. It seemed a lifetime ago. He listened without interruption, prompting further memories and stories from me as though by hearing my accounts of Thrawn’s life in Empire somehow gave him a much better understanding of the man his people had chosen to exile. He smiled when I was done.

He seemed to weigh his next words with great care before speaking, “There were several women here who found him attractive, you know, who vied for his attentions and affections. Young, handsome and in a position of authority, he was a very desirable candidate for marriage but he refused them all. I am sure, as with all young men, he had dalliances on occasion but he was discrete if that was the case and nothing further ever happened as a result. We, who watched his career with great interest, assumed it was because he was concentrating on that career and when the time was right he would accept a mate and breed but of course that did not happen.” He paused, “I now understand that he was looking for something extraordinary, someone who could both learn from him and teach him much at the same time, someone who complimented his personality instead of blandly standing at his side. I believe he found it in you.”

I gave him a slight smile. “He always told me that I was a complication he didn’t need in his life.”

“And he was probably right about that yet here you are. From all that you have told me you were closer to him than anyone else.” He said mildly, “And I for one am grateful.”

I had to swallow down the sudden tears that sprang to my eyes and I was thankful that the Aristocra ignored it when I brushed them away discretely. I didn’t really know how to answer what he had just said so instead I gave him a polite nod and smiled, relieved when the wait staff returned to clear the dinner plates allowing me to change the direction of the conversation in a less difficult direction. When I commented on the various paintings that decorated the walls the Aristocra seemed only too happy to discuss them at great length taking delight in the fact that I enjoyed art and even understood a little about it. When the desert came I found myself liking this man who did not match the short description that had been on the data disk Thrawn had left for me. Over tea he asked me, finally, about my time with the Dantassi.

“They are a people of great mystery for us.” He explained. “An intriguing dichotomy of wildly primitive mingled with technologically advanced. They do not have much time for us, I’m afraid. They see the Chiss as soft, weak because we chose to hide from the ice rather than learn to live with it.”

I smiled. It was a strangely apt description. “What would you like to know Aristocra?” I asked.

“Everything you can and are allowed to tell me.” He replied.

So I did as he had asked and I told him as much about my experiences with the Dantassi as I dared beginning with my first encounter with one on my father’s ship, to my naming on Myrkr and then my first encounter with Navaari without revealing Thrawn’s story or giving any of the Dantassi secrets away. He listened intently only interrupting to ask a question or get me to clarify some detail. When I was done he smiled a little and let the silence between us settle for a few moments.

He sat and regarded me with an expression I couldn’t read for a long time before he spoke. “Mitth’raw’nuruodo did indeed choose well when he requested that you be the one to return his body. You are the perfect bait.”

My eyebrows shot up. “Bait?”

He gave me another enigmatic smile, “Yes. If he intended to prove that not all outsiders, not all aliens are barbarians then he has accomplished his mission. How could I resist you? You are, as I said, the perfect bait.”

I didn’t know what to say to this. Had Thrawn been grooming me all these years just for this? I would never know. It was probably a good thing he was dead because in that moment I wanted to kill him myself. “I’m sorry Aristocra,” I said trying to get a grip on my anger, “If I have offended I meant no...”

He cut me off with a slight hand gesture. “Please, you misunderstand me.” He folded his elegant hands on the table and paused for a moment. “We are a terribly remote race of peoples and we eschew contact with other alien races as a matter of course. It makes us appear xenophobic and cold both of which we are. We teach our children the value of all things strategic and logical. This makes us insular and I wonder some days about the wisdom in such a way of life but it is incredibly difficult to get the Chiss people to change their ways or see things from a different perspective. We feel very superior to the rest of the galaxy and I fear sometimes this will one day be our undoing. When Mitth’raw’nuruodo was a young man, still living here, he questioned these things as well. He felt that what we considered our strengths to be were also our greatest weaknesses. It was the opinions of those who out ranked him at the time that he was wrong. So he found a way to escape the chains we placed up on him.”

He paused for a second and then said, “We felt that no one could learn our customs, our language to our great satisfaction. Yet here you are. An alien who has not only mastered our very difficult tongue to speak it beautifully, eloquently even, but one who has also been adopted into an offshoot of the ancient Chiss society that we ourselves are shunned from. Thus he has proven us wrong. We are not the perfect race and if we could open ourselves up a little we would perhaps learn a great deal more about our galaxy and all of its various peoples and in turn learn more about ourselves.” He stopped and regarded me for a long silent moment. “I know that he had Chiss working with him and for him somewhere out in what you call the Outer Rim but they are considered renegades. They have sided with an Exile and are seen as also being exiled but perhaps things will change and maybe one day the knowledge they have gained will be of great use and we shall have need of them. Perhaps even, at some point we will allow outsiders to live among us. I know now that it is possible for a non Chiss to learn our ways so perhaps it is possible for the Chiss to learn how to become less rigid in these ways as well. Certainly I see that possibility when I sit here and converse with you.”

I just watched him not knowing what to say. I had taught many of the Chiss warriors he had called renegades how to speak basic, some of them I even counted among my friends.

The Aristocra continued, “As I said before you must be a remarkable woman. I can see why Mitth’raw’nuruodo would desire you to be his companion. He chose well and I am deeply saddened by your loss. He was a most resourceful man and had he not gone against our basic rule of non aggression he might very well have gone on to be a great military leader of our people, instead he became a great leader to yours. His ability to adapt, accept and learn from all things new and different astounds even me. If he were alive today, and still you and I had managed to meet and speak as we are, knowing what I now do I, for one, would welcome him back without question. I think that we will need men such as him and we will suffer for our own lack of vision. I think his death is one of our greatest losses but of course I can only say this here in private to you. He was a remarkable man and the galaxy is a lesser place because of his death.” I detected a note of regret in the Aristocra’s voice and once more the ache of loss overwhelmed me.

I nodded sadly, “Yes he was, although he was also greatly under utilised by my people as well. The Chiss are not the only ones who have issues with alien races and in the end he was betrayed by someone he thought of as trustworthy.”

“Did you know his murderer?”

I nodded as words chocked in my throat. “Yes, I suppose I did, though not as well as I might have liked and he is also dead.”

“Such a betrayal must cut you deeply.” He replied, “It is a sad ending to what was a rather unique career for a man we exiled and one whom your Emperor desired to have work for him.”

I could only nod slightly in agreement. “Indeed.”

Perhaps it was my sorrow or maybe he was just tired of talking about Thrawn but whatever the reason the conversation drifted to small mundane things and when the evening was over I declined a tour of the great library in favour of finishing the last of the tasks Thrawn had given me.

All I wanted to do was leave, go to Hjal to be with Navaari and An'jast’a, to be somewhere safe with people who loved me unconditionally. The Aristocra did not protest and made certain that my ship was refueled and well stocked for the long journey across the galaxy. I packed up the few things I had with me from the guest quarters and was escorted by two silent Chiss to the landing bay where the Aristocra was waiting for me.

“Your ship is ready. I hope and trust you will find everything in order.” He said politely.

“I am quite sure I will.” I told him. “Your people have a reputation for being exacting.”

He smiled and then much to my surprise he switched to Basic and said. “I do have one question to ask you.”

“Anything.”

“Why did you not ask to use my core name? I was under the impression that your kind did not like our rather long complicated names?”

I smiled. “And I was under the impression that the Chiss did not offer the informality of such an honour to non family members or outsiders until a deep bond of friendship has been formed. I was waiting for you to offer as is your custom, is it not?”

“Yes, yes of course.” The Aristocra nodded with a sigh, “He taught you so very well. Your manners are indeed perfect, how could I ever resist?” He said with an expression that bordered on sad and then he switched back to his native language so that everyone nearby and listening could understand him, “Know this, you are welcome here, Akiana’myshk’apavjäska, should you decide to come again to our world or our territories. You and your kin would be granted all the privileges afforded an honoured visitor, you would be my personal guest under my protection and it would honour me greatly if you were to address me by my core name. I hope that you will take these words to heart and that you will return one day.”

I was so surprised at these words I didn’t know what to say. I gave him a small bow instead, it seemed fitting.

The Aristocra placed a hand on my shoulder and I could have sworn I heard someone gasp from behind me, “Perhaps next time when you visit it will be under much better circumstances and we will have more time for discussion. I hope that your sorrow will have eased and the loss you feel now will have lessened. I have greatly enjoyed your company and I hope the feeling is mutual.”

“Thank you.” I replied touching his hand lightly with my fingertips. He had just given me a great honour and I wasn’t sure why but I was grateful none the less. “Thank you for everything. Until the next time we meet may you know only serenity and peace.”

He smiled at my use of very traditional parting words, “The same blessing upon you also.” He inclined his head slightly and I returned the gesture then I boarded my ship. It was time to leave and I did not want to over stay my welcome.

So, I left the planet, just as I had arrived, with an escort of Chiss making sure I did not deviate while in their space. I made sure to follow their instructions to the letter and when they turned around at the edge of Chiss territory I was not sad to see them go. It was a little unnerving to have a fighter escort that was purported by Thrawn to be even better that the Imperials.

The journey from Csilla to Hjal was very long and meant jumping hyperspace lanes more than once. I considered stopping at Nirauan to pick up some of my things but in the end decide not to. I wasn’t moving to Hjal, I was just visiting. I knew that the base would be in turmoil over the Grand Admiral’s death and I didn’t want or need to be in the middle of it all. I was quite certain that either Ged or Captain Pellaeon would fill them all in and I would return eventually to get my stuff although what I would do next was anyone’s guess. I was sure that Voss would not throw anything of mine or Thrawn’s away but it occurred to me it might happen. It seemed like such a strange thing to worry about in the midst of all that had happened but it was still my home, in a way, and many of my favourite books were there. However, the few things I considered truly precious were with me. I kept them on my ship. Thrawn’s letters, my Dantassi clothes and mask were all here.

Perhaps another person would have spent the time re reading the letters from their loved one but I couldn’t bear to even look at them. It would have torn me apart to touch these letters, to feel his presence and read his words knowing he was gone forever. I just wasn’t ready for that yet. Instead, I spent a lot of time in the cockpit just staring out into space. On a small ship there was nowhere to escape from one’s own self and I had a lot of time to think and to mourn. By the time I reached Hjal over four weeks had passed since I had left Csilla but it felt like years.

Several hours before entering the planet’s atmosphere I sent a message to Navaari using the comm he had once given me and let him know I would be arriving soon. When I finally landed on Hjal it felt surreal. Thrawn had been dead for well over a month and I was utterly wrung out. I had gone from denial of his death to finally understanding that he was gone. I wasn’t sure how to move beyond this point. Each day I woke up the same way, I lay with my eyes still closed trying to bring to mind his face, his voice, his scent and his touch but these memories slipped away from me and all I could call to mind were fragments of the whole.

I remembered how I had felt after Lord Vader’s death and now, while I could recall those feelings they seemed muted and distant somehow. I wondered if I would ever feel that way about Thrawn’s death but doubted it. I had known only pain and loss when Lord Vader had died, it had hurt and I had grieved the loss terribly but I had never been angry at him for dying. As I sat thinking about Thrawn’s death I wondered if I would ever be free of the hurt and as much as I tried to center myself and let all the grief go I could not. There was, it seemed a huge difference between stillness and emptiness. I could not center, I could not find stillness and underneath the empty place his death had left I was surprised to discover that more than anything else I was just incredibly angry with him. This was an emotion I didn’t really know how to cope with very well so it festered.

Once I was safely on the planet’s surface, I changed into the appropriate clothes and slipped on my mask, it was the start of spring on the planet so bad weather was to be expected. Navaari was there to meet the ship when I landed and for a moment I stood in the open hatchway and just stared at him. I had no idea how I was going to give him the news of Thrawn’s death. Fortunately for me I didn’t have to because the weather interfered.

“Quickly, we do not have much time before we are not being able to travel!” Navaari yelled above the howling winds. “There is a big blow coming in from the south. It will be bad so hurry up.”

I smiled at his gruffness. It was familiar and oddly comforting.

The weather was terrible. I had arrived right at the edge of a massive storm front. There was no time to waste with sad stories or explanations as to why I had come on such short notice. I shut the ship up and waded through the snow drifts to where he stood. Navaari hugged me fiercely but let me go quickly so that we could get back on the sled to head to the enclave before the weather became too bad to travel in. I lost myself to the swaying rhythms of the sled as we sped to the only place I could feel safe. When we finally arrived at the enclave I was cold and exhausted. He saw this right away. I never could hide anything from him.

“An'jast’a is visiting her daughter in the neighbouring clan so she is not here or else she would have made supper for you. Go inside put the kettle on for tea and get warm, I am taking care of the sled and the wolves. I will not be long, we will have lots of time to speak and there is much to speak about.”

I didn’t argue with him. I hoisted my pack and trudged my way inside. I was looking forward to a hot shower and a cup of tea not necessarily in that order.

On autopilot I opened the front door and dumped my pack on the floor then shrugged out of my heavy winter clothing, hung it up in the closet, slipped off my boots and then took off my mask which I put inside the satchel where I kept it and hung that up with my coat. Then I made my way to the kitchen to put the kettle on for tea, I waited until the water had boiled and then poured it into the tea pot savouring the scent of the tea as it mingled with the boiling water. This was such a familiar action that for a second I almost forgot why I had come here so that when the memory of why came rushing back it brought with it an ache so painful I stopped breathing to try and get past it.

While the tea brewed I decided to go and shower then change into something more comfortable. I picked up my pack and headed to the room Navaari kept just for me. I had clothes here, I had a home here and somewhere deep in my exhausted, grief riddled brain I was grateful. I trudged across the dimly lit living room lost in thought to my bedroom. I dumped my pack on the bed and rifled through it for toiletries and clean underwear, then stood in front of the closet trying to decide what to wear when I heard the front door open and close I smiled because it meant Navaari had finished with the sled and the hounds.

“I’m just going to shower and then get changed because I smell worse than a bantha. I made tea already!” I yelled, when he didn’t answer I assumed he was already in the kitchen.

I stood under the powerful stream of water which was little too hot and leaned my forehead against the wall. I was beyond tired but the water felt good. Suddenly a rush of emotion swept through me again but this time I didn’t stop the tears. The crying jags always took me by surprise but I had learned to just go with them and let the grief pass through me. I waited until I was done sobbing and then finished my shower. Wrapped in big fluffy towels I made my way back to my bedroom and changed into the most comfortable dress I could find.

I felt a little more human but I was utterly exhausted. In the full length mirror I stared at the reflection of the person I had become. I had lost so much weight that the dress I was wearing hung loose on me instead of fitting as it once had. I now looked ill, wasted away and the dark circles about my eyes were not helping matters. I towel dried my hair but left it down. I did not know this girl in the mirror. She looked like a broken doll. With a sigh I turned away from the dreadful reflection and turned my attention to the little packet that Thrawn had requested I give to Navaari and wondered if this contained more than just the instructions on what to do that mine had held. Perhaps he had left some sort of message for us both knowing that it would be better if I were not alone to hear his final words. I picked it up and stared at it but there were no memories, no insights and no sensations that he had even touched the thing let alone left any words of comfort behind. Disgusted I tossed it back on the bed and decided it could wait, first I wanted a cup of tea and then, if Navaari had not already been told, somehow I had to break the awful news of Thrawn’s death to him and I wasn’t looking forward to it one bit.

I wrapped a warm shawl around my shoulders and then because I couldn’t put it off any longer I made my way to the living room which was now cozy and cheerful with a fire in the fireplace and candlelight dancing against the walls, Navaari’s way of welcoming me home.

I looked up and saw Navaari vanishing into the kitchen, “Hey, did you pour the tea?” I yelled, “Don’t put too much milk in it like you usua....” and then I stopped dead in my tracks as Thrawn, or a man that looked an awful lot like him,  got up from the chair in the shadows of the corner of the room and stepped into the light.

“Hullo A’myshk’a.” He said.





.

Endings and Beginnings 6

The Virulent’s docking bay was cold and I didn’t want to linger making sorrowful farewells. It was hard enough to go without the pain of saying farewell to one of the few friends I had left in the galaxy.

“You don’t have to leave for good, Merly.”

I gave him a look. “It won’t be for good. I might have cleared out my quarters on board this ship but I still have a life of some sorts on Nirauan. You make it sound as though I’m dead too.” I instantly regretted the words as soon as they were out of my mouth but he just shook his head.

“That’s because I’m concerned for you.” He said. “I don’t like you going off all alone to do this thing. You shouldn’t be alone.”

“It’s what he requested and I’m sure he had his reasons.” I gestured vaguely towards the cargo hold of my ship and we both knew what was stored there.  “I’ll be fine. I’m not as fragile as you like to think I am.” There was strange anger in my words and I didn’t understand where it was coming from.

“That doesn’t stop me from worrying.” He took a step closer and brushed away a lock of stray hair which had fallen into my face. His gentle gesture undid the angry knot in my gut and tears welled up in my eyes. I nodded, feeling that awful sensation of loss rush through me like a freshly open wound, raw and full of pain.

I didn’t like saying goodbye so instead I said. “Thank you. You’re an extraordinary man and I am grateful to have you in my life.” We stared at each other for a second too long then I looked away and the moment between us wavered and vanished.

“Once you do this thing, once you’ve completed this task then what?” Ged asked after taking a deep breath.

“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “I really have no idea. First I just have to get through this. I can’t think beyond that.” I looked at him, “I’d like to say maybe I could go home but honestly I don’t know what or where that is any longer.” For such a long time now my home been with Thrawn and now that he was gone I wasn’t sure where I belonged anymore.

Ged moved suddenly, cupping my face in his hands, “There will always be a place for you with me wherever I am no matter what, no matter where, no questions asked. Always. So when you have completed this task, delivered his body and passed on his secrets and have done whatever it is that you need to do then come back. Come back.”

I didn’t know how to answer that so I flung my arms around him and held onto him as tightly as I could hoping he would understand all the words I couldn’t say to him. I didn’t care what anyone looking at us might think. He kissed the top of my head making me all the more terrified of what was to come. I didn’t know how I was going to do this task Thrawn had set out for me, I had no idea how I was going to face it on my own and just for a moment I seriously considered taking Ged up on his offer but that moment also passed.  I was tired, scared and beyond sad and Ged was a light in the dark. I didn’t want to let him go but in the end I did.

“Merly....” He started but I stopped him with a fingertip on his lips.

“Don’t...don’t say it. I know you want to wrap me up in a protective blanket but you can’t. It’s done. He’s dead.” I shook my head and blinked fresh tears from my eyes, “You have to let me go. I have to do this and you just have to let me.”

He took a really deep breath and nodded. “It’s against my better judgement.” He said unhappily. “I hate him for making you do this.”

“I know.” I nodded. I understood because I also felt the same way.

“I’m here for you, whatever you need you only have to ask.” He stroked my face gently.

“Thank you.” I said again blinking tears out of my eyes. “Just promise me one thing.”

“Anything.”

“Please, please stay alive.”

He smiled ever so slightly, “That’s my plan.”

“It was Thrawn’s plan as well and look at how that turned out. Stay alive Ged Larsen I mean it.”

This time his smile was genuine. “I shall do the very best I can Merly I can’t promise more than that.”

I nodded.

He paused for a second, “I meant what I said, no matter what ship I am commanding you have a home on board it. You have pass codes from Vader use them and I will find you. No matter what, remember this!” Then suddenly there were no more words to say. We stared at each other just a little longer before I turned to go up the ramp into my ship without looking back. It was bad luck to look back and I had already had more than my fair share of it.




The trip to Csilla was long and lonely. Time stretched out the way uncharted space did and it never seemed to end. I spent much of the journey in the cockpit, staring out into the whirling void while paying attention to Thrawn’s last instructions which he had carefully laid out on the data-disk that had been in the packet for me. He explained in excruciating detail how I was to approach Chiss territory, what I should tell them and what I would most likely expect. I listened to his words over and over again with a dull sort of rage that ate its way through me. When he had told me again and again that he had taken care of things, that he had planned against the visions I had seen and had warned him about this was not what I had imagined and I was angry, so very, very angry. It was an unexpected emotion mixing into my grief making me almost ill.

When I wasn’t gazing mindlessly out of the cockpit window, or sleeping fitfully I spent time in the cargo bay sitting on the floor leaning against the cold-stasis box which held Thrawn’s corpse. I had triple checked that the seal had not been reopened since my visit to the morgue. There could be no mistakes. Alone and beyond caring I often found myself talking to the body in the box and, when I wasn’t holding angry, one sided conversations with the dead, I wept. The sense of loss was overwhelming and where I hadn’t been able to cry for the death of my child it seemed I could not stop when it came to the death of my mate.

I had plenty of time to think about all the people I had loved and lost but none of their deaths compared to this. There were so many things I had wanted to say and should have said to this man which would now never be voiced, never be heard. Never in my life had I known so many regrets or so much unfinished business. Why was it we did not say what we felt to one another when we had the chance? Why was it we did not take more time to be with the ones we loved? Duty, honour, war what were these things compared to love? 

Our lives, from the moment we had met, had been wound together like threads on a Dantassi blanket until I could not fathom a life without his presence in it. From that very first meeting on the balcony of the Imperial palace we had connected in a way that had been magical and terrifying. I had known even then that he was dangerous to me, that he could and probably would break my heart I had just not ever imagined he would do it in this way. I could not come to terms that he was dead even though I stared at his body for hours on end and I didn’t know what to do with the knowledge that he really was gone. With no idea how to think or feel all I could do was cry. This was a sorrow that knew no end and by the time I finally came into Chiss space I was nothing more than a shell of a human being.

Csilla was well guarded and not at all easy to reach. Thrawn had left specific instructions on how to enter Chiss space, what to broadcast and where to send the proper signals when I came into contact with his people. I followed his instructions to the letter. I was met by Chiss Defence Forces and my ship was escorted to a landing pad in the capital city of Csaplar. That I had spoken to them in their native language had confused them, the news I brought with me had only seemed to make this worse. In the end I didn’t really care. I wanted to carry out Thrawn’s last wishes and then somehow try to salvage what was left of my life.

I did as I was instructed by the small defence task force that had been sent to escort me and marvelled at the sheer beauty of a world totally hidden by ice and snow. The Csilla sun gave off a cold light with little warmth and in turn bathed the planet with a pale bluish tint. Three moons, Arista, Cserce, and Scerac, orbited Csilla, each with their own legend. Thrawn had told their stories to me once in the quiet of the bedroom we had shared on Coruscant, weaving their tales for me as he caressed the pale of my naked skin with his gentle fingertips. I could still hear his voice, warm and husky, in the aftermath of our love making. The memory was as painful as it was sweet.

I knew a great deal more about Thrawn’s home world than most people. He had made certain of that through his stories and gifts of books containing legends and histories but none of these things had prepared me for actually being on the planet. The Chiss were a stoic race, bound up in formalities and traditions. Their strict non aggression policies were something Thrawn had disagreed with and it had gotten him exiled in the end, although he had hinted that this had been an outcome he had desired. Being exiled allowed him to work for Palpatine with no political repercussions from his own home world and I sometimes wondered if there were not people on his planet who also welcomed this. 

The Chiss were governed by an oligarchy of extended Ruling Families. The actual seat of power was a building known as the House Palace, located in the city of Csaplar, and headed by leaders known as Aristocra who wore particular colours to indicate their clan and family loyalties. The system of clan colours was complex and intricate and I had not managed to memorise them all.

Their system of rule was democratic; day to day decisions were made by a democratically elected parliamentary body from each of the twenty-eight colonies. When things became more complicated they were channelled up through the parliament to a cabinet of appointed governors, and then to the ruling families, where a decision made by the parliament and or the cabinet could be approved for action. It took a while for things to get done on Csilla with each decision being carefully considered. The Chiss did not like their politics messy nor did they like to make mistakes. They were an exacting and careful people.

Each of the extended ruling families were responsible for a set of government affairs to manage and the house that Thrawn had been adopted into, House Nuruodo, was responsible for military policy and foreign affairs and was considered to be the second highest in their ranking system. They had an amazing, well trained military and in spite of the non aggressions rules which governed them, the Chiss were a force to be reckoned with but as long as you left them alone they would not attack first. They were enigmatic and mysterious to the rest of the galaxy. No one even knew the Chiss origins although it was a popular belief that they had descended from a colony of humans lost thousands of years prior and Doctor Thracer had once told me there were enough genetic markers to indicate this might well have been the case. The planet had once been lush and warm although just like the stories that Tatooine had once held oceans I kind of found it hard to imagine.

Careful not to deviate from the instructions I was being given by the escort ships who had accompanied me as I set my ship down. The landing pad was on the surface of the planet but it didn’t stay there. I watched with some fascination as the whole landing deck sank under the ground, into an enormous cavern like structure.  I followed the instructions given to me and when I had shut down the engines and opened up the ship I was given leave to disembark.

I walked down the ship’s gangway and was met by black uniformed, well armed military guards who did not say a word.  From behind the armed guards came a tall elegantly dressed man, a little older than Thrawn and from his clothes I guessed he was a member of the eighth ruling family. I executed a bow and remained silent. Thrawn’s lessons and discussions about his people and their formalities had not gone amiss.

The man did not smile but I sensed a small amount of surprise in him. Tired, gaunt and drawn looking, I was not what he had been expecting. He studied me for a few moments and then in a rich voice he spoke to me in Cheunh.  “I am told you speak our language.”

“I endeavour to do so but I hope you will forgive my errors.” I replied. His accent was far stronger than Thrawn’s and I suddenly became self conscious of my own.

He nodded but made no further comment on my language skills. “I am Aristocra Chaf’orm’bintrano. You will follow me now.” he said.

I hesitated for just a second, looking back over my shoulder at my ship’s entrance ramp which was wide open. He followed my gaze and answered my unasked question.

“I assure you no one will enter without your permission but leaving the entrance hatch open will signify you have nothing to hide.” Aristocra Chaf’orm’bintrano said. “Please, if you will come.”

I let him know I understood with a nod of my head and did as he had requested. None of this felt real. I was led down through a series of wide, open and well lit tunnels to a small but comfortable room. Two guards stationed themselves outside the door way and two more entered with us and took a place to stand behind the Aristocra. While I may not have been treated as an enemy, I was also not a friend.

He was graceful in his hand gesture as he motioned to one of the two comfortable chairs by a low ornate table. “Please sit. I understand that your journey here has been long and arduous, that you come under the most grievous of circumstances.  I know that you must need to rest and refresh but we must first talk. May I offer you something to drink, tea perhaps?”

I sat as ladylike as I could and perched on the edge of the chair. “That would be very kind.” I replied.

He took note of how tense I was but said nothing. I watched as he keyed a small comm device to make the request. We waited in a neutral silence until tea had been brought, served and I had taken a drink. It was sweet and soothing. I cradled the delicate cup in my cold hands grateful for its warmth.

The Aristocra nodded and spoke. “Shall we get down to business?”

I nodded and without further ado or fuss I told him everything that Thrawn’s data disk had instructed me to tell him.

The Aristocra listened without interruption and when I was done he merely nodded and then said. “Do I have permission for my people to retrieve the cold stasis casket from your hold?”

“Yes.” I said swallowing my sadness down hard, “Of course.”

He nodded again and with a slight hand motion signified to the two guards behind me that they could go. His instructions to them were clear. Go in, remove Thrawn’s body and leave the rest of the ship untouched. They would obey him without hesitation and only once they were gone did I feel a slight lift of the tension in the room. The guards were uncomfortable with my alien presence but the Aristocra, surprisingly, was not.

“Please, be at ease. No harm will come to you here.” He said gently once more gesturing to the chair I very nearly wasn’t sitting in. He waited patiently until I visibly relaxed and sat back into the comfort of the chair.

“More tea?” He asked, breaking the silence. I nodded and let him refill my cup. Once that was done he looked at me carefully as though I were a book or a work of art to be studied. I had seen Thrawn regard me in much the same way sometimes and my heart ached sharply.  I held his gaze for a moment then with a deep, deep sigh I looked away and still the Aristocra studied me.

“Do you fear me?” The Aristocra asked after an eternity.

It was not a question I had expected. I glanced up at him. “No, do I have cause to?”

“I have already assured you of your well being.” He replied. “If you are unafraid of me then I can expect the truth when I ask you a question?”

I frowned a little. “The truth?”

“It would be appreciated.” The Aristocra nodded.

“Do you expect me to lie to you?” I asked more than a little surprised.

“My experience with humans has been interesting with regards to their abilities to bend the truth to their advantage.”

“Ah,” I said quietly. “Then I shall endeavour to be honest.”

“Did you know Mitth’raw’nuruodo well?”

I drew a deep breath. “Yes, probably better than most people,” I replied carefully, “Although, he was not one to share himself easily.”

For a moment the Aristocra regarded me. “You must have been close for him to teach you our language and customs.”

He was digging for something specific but I wasn’t sure what. “I had an aptitude for it and he felt it was a talent worth exploring.” I said. “I think that he was ... happy to have someone to share a little of his private life with.”

He nodded, “And what of your relationship?” He asked, again dancing around what he really wanted to ask me.

I sighed and swept imaginary lint from my dress. “Our relationship was...complicated.” Now who was dancing around the topic I wondered.

He nodded slowly and studied me some more, trying to read underneath my words and when that didn't work he decided it was time to be more direct. “It is perhaps impolite of me to ask this but duty dictates I must, were you mate-bound to him?”

I wondered where this was going so I gave the standard line that Thrawn had used so often on me, “Not in any official capacity.” It was the truth. Thrawn may have bound himself to me under Dantassi law but he had left me free to do whatever I wanted and he had made certain to tell me this many, many times.

 “I see.” He replied with a satisfied nod. “Then you are not his wife in legal terms?”

“No, Aristocra, I am not.” I said frankly. “I am not his bound mate or wife by Chiss laws or my own. Thrawn was quite insistent on that.” I decided to leave any reference to the Dantassi out of it. “May I ask why this is relevant?”

“Especially as a non Chiss, had you been his legal wife, there would have been some difficult complications that I do not think you would have liked or have been prepared for.” He did not elaborate and I didn’t ask. “I am grateful it is an avenue we will not have to contend with and perhaps with this we shall let this particular matter lie.” He added.

Once again I was left in awe at Thrawn’s ability to plan many steps ahead. He had never made me his wife and although I had never asked or expected it, I had sometimes wondered why. All this time, he had known, had foreseen this as a possible path and he had prepared for it. A tiny part of me hated him for it.

“Does he not have any family here?” I asked wondering if I would get to meet anyone related to him.

Aristocra Chaf’orm’bintrano watched me steadily. “He had a brother who went missing in action many years ago and is presumed dead. His birth parents are also long dead and his sister passed away from a sudden illness last year. His ties as trial-born to the House Nuruodo were severed when he was exiled. He has no other family that I have been made aware of.” He paused for a moment then went on, “Under normal circumstances it is usually a member of the family by blood or by marriage who accompanies the body of a fallen one to the hall of remembrance and speaks on their behalf. You are neither so this rule does not apply. I hope you will understand.”

I felt a pang of sorrow on hearing about the death of Thrawn’s sister and wondered if he had known about it. He had said nothing to me if he did. “I see, yes, thank you.” And once again the room was silent as we sipped our tea politely until the comm. on his desk peeped softly and a voice let him know that Thrawn’s body had been transported off my ship.

He looked at me and said, “Once the body is certified to be that of Mitth’raw’nuruodo through simple DNA testing we can proceed with the formalities that will end with the remembrance ritual. It will be a small affair, with far less ceremony because he was exiled, but he is still of the Chiss, his life will be honoured as is our way. You returned his body to us so you will be granted leave to attend but you will not to speak on his behalf. You are not Chiss and you have no marital claim to him so it is not permitted.”

“Of course.” I replied deeply grateful not to have to get up in front of Thrawn’s peers and talk about him. There was a moment’s hesitation then I took the package I had carried with me in my small satchel out. “I apologise, I do not know the correct formality here but Mitth’raw’nuruodo left instructions for me to give this to you.”

I handed him the sealed packet which he from my hand and studied for a moment before opening the packet and to pull out several data discs.

“Are you aware of what information these hold?” he asked as he studied each disk with great care then slipped them back into the little hard-shell packet.

I shook my head. “No, my task was to deliver that packet to your hands not to open it.”

He regarded me for a moment then sat back, relaxing slightly. “While you are not the first outsider I have ever heard to speak our tongue, you are the first to speak it almost flawlessly and your accent is not at all what I would have expected.” He said. “It is quite remarkable.”

“Thank you, that is gracious of you to say. I had a very good teacher.” I said suddenly having to control the unexpected surge of sorrow that welled up in me like a tidal bore. I set the tea cup I had been clinging to down on the table and rested my hands in my lap so he would not see how much they had started to tremble.

Another long silence settled over us again and then the Aristocra rose from his seat. “I apologise for the awkwardness of the questions I had to ask.”

I Looked up at him and nodded. “I understand, I was briefed on how matters would be handled here.” I replied also getting to my feet.

 A slight smile touched the Aristocra’s lips as if I had confirmed something he had suspected but not asked about. “Of course.” He said, “I’m afraid I have work I must attend to. Preparations for the remembrance service will take some time.  If you do not mind me saying so, you look a little fatigued.”

I sighed and nodded. “That is very polite of you to say, I’m quite sure I look like death warmed over, Aristocra. It has been a difficult....” I stopped for a moment to quell the sudden wave of aching sadness that rushed through me. “...a difficult time.”   Gritting my teeth I fought my emotions back and then realised that it had been almost three weeks since I had been given the news that Thrawn was dead. The journey from Bastian to Csilla had taken that long but I had no idea where the time had gone.

“I understand. Please allow us the honour of providing you with some comfort. We have prepared guest quarters for you in one of our finest suites.”

“That is very gracious, thank you.” I said, looking forward to sleeping on clean sheets and having a really hot shower.

“I am afraid I must ask you to remain in the guest quarters and not wander around this facility. If you require anything there will be someone ready to aid you. If you require anything from your ship then I suggest you retrieve it now and after, if you still need anything, one of the guards will be happy to accompany you, I am sure you understand our need for security.”

“Of course.”  I had expected this as well and, oddly enough, welcomed the chance to do nothing, to be free from any responsibility. “I am most grateful for your kindness and hospitality.” I replied relieved that I no longer had to deal with any of this and that it was now out of my hands.

The Aristocra raised an eyebrow and gave me a slight smile “He did indeed teach you well.” He said softly not bothering to hide his surprise.

I acknowledged the compliment with a slight nod but it made me sad. With the interview at an end, the Aristocra summoned one of the guards who stood outside. I was escorted by to my ship and allowed to fetch my travel pack which held some clean clothes and toiletries among other things, after that I was taken to a different part of the vast complex and shown to one of the most elegant suite of rooms I had ever seen and then I was left alone. The Aristocra had been right, I was exhausted.  I unpacked a few items of clothing and then I found the ‘fresher and was grateful to see a deep bathtub. I ran the water and pulled out the half full bottle of brandy from my pack and found a glass. As I sank into the too hot water I felt a bizarre sense of déjà vu but I drowned it away with a large gulp of my drink. I laid my head back against the rim of the bathtub and closed my eyes just grateful to be somewhere where no one expected anything from me.

Waiting in an unfamiliar place was difficult at the best of times but now I also found myself in a strange netherworld between despair and depression. I was listless. I picked at the food that was brought me, causing concern amongst my hosts that it was not to my liking and I had no way to assure them this was not the case. I tried to eat but I simply had no appetite. If I had thought I had no more tears to shed I was wrong and when I wasn’t crying, I was sleeping fitfully, too weary and heartbroken to care about anything else at all. The time passed strangely.

The remembrance service was held the morning two days after my arrival on the planet. It was a small sombre affair with only a handful of people in attendance. I kept forgetting that here Thrawn was in disgrace.  I wore one of the dresses that had once belonged to Navaari's daughter. It was a deep, dark blue colour and it had felt right. I had wrapped a similar coloured shawl about my shoulders because I was freezing cold. If my clothes were out of place I didn't care, no one had given me any indication of what was appropriate to wear. When I entered the hall I was silently escorted to a place up front. I ignored the stares and the whispers as I passed by people. Now I just wanted to get through this so I could leave.

They had moved Thrawn’s body from the stasis box I had transported him in to an elegant rounded coffin. It was opaque except for where his head and shoulders were so that everyone could see his face.  They had dressed him in a black uniform and I guessed this was also tradition, a cloth of house colours had been draped over the rest of it, even though he had been exiled. I didn’t ask why but I was grateful, after all he had done it felt only right he should have some honour amongst those who stood on ceremony. The mood in the room was solemn. It was hard not to break down but I used every ounce of training I had ever been given and managed to keep a hold of my emotions. If anyone took insult at my tears well that was their problem not mine. It was unusual enough that I, a human, was allowed to be here and view this, tears were just part of the package but I wept as silently as I could.

The entire ceremony was formal and aloof. A spiritual guide spoke over the body and after that there was a listing of Thrawn’s accomplishments. They ended with his exile which made me even sadder because he had done so much more.  I listened to what was being said but it was meaningless to me. An accumulation of words that had nothing to do with the man I had known and loved. When the death rites were done I was grateful it was over.  We all stood to honour him as the Spiritual Guide walked with the repulsor lift that held Thrawn’s coffin to leave the hall. As it passed me I reached out to almost touch it and said goodbye for the last time to the man I had loved more than anyone else in the galaxy.





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Endings and Beginnings 5

The way to the ship’s med-lab was too long and we travelled there in heavy silence. There were no words to be said and the grief was too great. The morgue was cold, colder than I had expected and I was wearing a light dress with no sleeves.  I shivered as we entered the sterile looking room faltering amidst the scents of cleansers and disinfectant as well as the remnants of other chemicals I couldn’t identify that were strong enough to make the gorge rise in my throat. 

Once Captain Pellaeon had made the request to view the body, the doctor, pale faced and tired looking, unlocked the doors and led us through to the small, secure cold room where Thrawn had been placed. I watched as he punched in the code for the magnetic seal and we walked in shivering as a blast of almost icy air caressed my skin. The doctor keyed in another security code and the lid to the cold-stasis body box opened. I swayed and Ged’s hands steadied me. I was surprised at how warm they were against the bare skin of my arms.

“You don’t have to do this.” He told me quietly but he was wrong, I did.

The doctor stepped back allowing me to approach the cold-stasis box alone. Completely naked, Thrawn lay as though asleep. His eyes were closed and his face had a slack expression that I had never seen before, as though someone had stolen all his personality away and left an empty shell behind. His hands had been folded over his abdomen below the fatal knife wound which seemed far too tiny to have caused his death.

Rukh had been a trained killer. He had known exactly where to strike, driving his long knife directly through Thrawn’s command chair right into his heart from behind, stabbing Thrawn in the back quite literally. There was no blood because everything had been cleaned and if it hadn’t been for the small wound on his chest where the knife tip had pierced through I wouldn’t have believed he was dead at all. I covered my mouth with both hands and forced my grief down. Then because I had to, I reached out to his body and ran my fingers through his beautiful blue black hair. It was still silky and soft.

“Merlyn…” someone spoke my name but I ignored them.

I stroked Thrawn’s face, following his jaw line with my finger tips. His skin, an even paler shade of blue than usual, was ice cold. A sob burned my throat but I did not make a sound as I cried. It was as though I were in a different world. When I blinked tears splashed onto his body, tiny sparkles of warm salty liquid on his cold blue skin. I picked up the hand nearest to me and traced the length of his fingers with my own.

His hands, which had once been so warm and gentle, which had known and caressed my whole body, bringing me to life in a way I could never have possibly imagined were cold and limp. I traced over the palm of his hand that I held and stroked up his arm stopping at the crease of his elbow. I laid the arm back down and caressed the length of the other one feeling the subtleties of his skin. Once upon a time these arms had held me tightly, comforted, and cradled me. Never again.  I took up his hand again, as if to be certain of his death, and for a moment I stood holding it against my cheek, trying to warm it while my tears ran over his lifeless fingers. I shut my eyes tightly, squeezing out the overwhelming sense of loss that engulfed my soul. This wasn’t fair, it just wasn’t fair.

It was Ged who moved first, touching my shoulder but I shrugged him off. I got the message that it was time to let go. I set Thrawn’s hand back to its resting place and then with a deep breath I leaned over the edge of the cold-stasis coffin and I laid one last kiss on Thrawn’s icy lips, tasting the salt from my own tears.

“Ariathe’ka Ia.” I whispered in Cheunh.

 It was the very first time, the only time, I had ever told him that I loved him and now it would also be the last. In all the years we had known each other, been with each other, laid with each other we had never once said these words out loud. I thought I had understood our reasons for this but now I wondered why.

“Merlyn, we need to go now.” Ged said softly in my ear, “The cold-stasis chamber must be re-sealed.” And before I could answer him he pulled me back letting the doctor move back into to reseal the chamber and lock the doors.

I stared at Thrawn’s body through the clear dura-glass until Ged put his hands about my shoulders and led me away.

“Wait.” I said as I pulled away from Ged’s grip. “Where are his things? His clothes?” I asked.

“Why?” Ged asked puzzled.

“Where are his things? What he was wearing?” I repeated. “Please?”

“Doctor Evram?” Ged asked knowing there would be no peace with me until I had an answer.

“As per the Grand Admiral’s last request they were destroyed.” The doctor replied.

“Destroyed? Why?” Surprised, I blurted my questions angrily.

“His instructions said it was in accordance with his people’s customs. All that he was wearing at the time of his death was to be incinerated, his body was to be cleansed and then sealed. The only exception to this was that if you requested to see his body you would be allowed to do so.” Captain Pellaeon said softly from behind me.

I shook my head in disbelief. “Everything he was wearing? Everything?” I asked not caring that it came out sounding more like an accusation.

The doctor didn’t like me very much and I wasn’t making it easy for him. “I assure you Miss that everything was done according to the Grand Admiral’s wishes. Everything he was wearing at the time of his death was removed from his corpse and destroyed. His body was examined to determine the cause of death, cleaned and laid to rest in the stasis chamber exactly as he requested be done in the event of his death. We run a tight ship and nothing was done without the Admiral’s request and Captain Pelleaon’s authorisation, now do you mind telling me who you are and what this is all about?”

I opened my mouth to speak, to say something indiscrete and stupid but Ged stepped in front of me and pulled rank.  “That will be all Doctor. I am sure that everything was done according to regulation. Thank you.” He manoeuvred me towards the door, signalling Captain Pellaeon to come with us. “Captain I think Miss Gabriel could use some quiet, could you please take us to the Grand Admiral’s quarters?”

“His quarters Sir?”

Ged nodded, “If you would, Captain.” He said in such a way that Captain Pellaeon understood it was not a request but an order.

“Of course sir, it’s this way.” He nodded and began to walk in the direction of the turbo lifts. “When the Grand Admiral came on board he had the luxury entertainment suite converted for his personal use. It was his secondary command room. He meditated there and it was where he would display holos of art so that he could study it.”

“He did love art.” I said softly to no one in particular.

“He used to tell me that if you understood a species’ art you understood the species.” Captain Pellaeon replied to me.

“I know, he has...” I corrected myself, “... had an amazing art collection. It used to be in the flat on Coruscant but he moved it,” and my mind flashed back to the exquisite ma’arilite stone carving he used to have there. “Some pieces were on Nirauan and now I guess the rest ended up here.” I was babbling now but no one seemed to mind.

“Oh he only had one real piece that was not in hologram form. I wasn’t aware he had an entire collection.” The Captain replied.  “Right now his command center is in command lock-down because of the nature of information stored in the data banks, I’m sorry Miss Gabriel but you cannot have access to that however right next to it is his personal living space.”

I nodded. “I understand.”

He didn’t say anything else as he unlocked the door to what had been Thrawn’s private sanctuary and let us in just as him comm peeped. “I’m afraid I am needed on the bridge, there is too much to do and we have had little time to deal with this crisis.” He said. “Admiral? I would be grateful for any assistance you might care to provide.”

Ged looked at me. “I need to attend to this, do you mind if I leave you here on your own?” He asked as he glanced around and set the courier’s pack that he still carried down on the nearest table.

“Go, I’m fine.” I said, repeating the earlier lie but the numbness that had spread through my body made it an easy lie to tell. “They destroyed his things.”  I added to no one in particular.

“Why are you so upset about that?” Ged asked in a hushed voice.

I just shook my head. “It doesn’t matter. He’s gone, so now it doesn’t matter anymore.”  I shook my head. Ged was puzzled but he didn’t press.

“I will have a crewman stationed outside if you need anything.” Captain Pellaeon said. “All you have to do is ask.”

“Thank you Captain, you’re very kind.”

He nodded and then he paused, weighing his next words with great care. “I don’t mean to be forward but you were in a serious relationship with the Grand Admiral weren’t you, I mean the two of you had something remarkable?”

I nodded, unable to speak.

The Captain watched my face for a moment and then he said, “The Grand Admiral was an incredibly private man but he had a holo-capture of you which he kept on his desk. It’s an exquisite image. He caught me staring at it one day, sometime after the dinner we all attended on board of the Virulent, and told me it had been taken at your first Grand Ball on Coruscant. I asked him if you and he were close, because I recalled how familiar, how at ease you both seemed to be with each other at that dinner but did not want to presume anything. I suspected there was much more to your relationship than met the eye but it isn’t my way to ask about his personal life. I wasn’t certain he would answer me but he did.” Pellaeon paused and the room become very still. Lost in memory he spoke softly. “Thrawn picked up the holo capture and looked at it then he said to me, ‘She is the most extraordinary creature in the entire galaxy and she graces me with her presence, reminding me that not everything is war or strategy and that sometimes even men, such as myself, may know what it means to be touched by such grace in spite of our faults.’”

I looked up at the Captain who had the beginnings of tears in his eyes and I had to look away for fear of losing the little amount of self control I had on my own emotions. My fingernails dug into my palms, the pain helped to steady me. He took a moment to collect himself and then continued.

“He was the most brilliant tactician and strategist I have ever had the fortune to know. I watched him forge such bonds with the men and woman under his command that not one of them would hesitate to give their lives for him but until that moment I never saw the man beneath the uniform or the rank. That moment was a gift, Miss Gabriel, and I have you to thank for it.” His voice wavered for a second and he breathed deeply to steady himself. “I don’t claim to understand the exact nature of the relationship between the two of you but I do know this, he cared deeply for you. I don’t have to be a genius to know that you felt the same for him. I am sorry, truly, truly sorry for your loss.”

All I could do was nod, covering my mouth with my hand because I didn’t want to fall apart, not here, not now. I just looked at Ged and hoped he understood.

“Captain, I think it’s time you showed me to the bridge.” He said.

“Of course Admiral.” Captain Pellaeon replied.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can.” Ged told me.

I just nodded and without further conversation the two men left me alone so that they could attend to the business at hand. The silence left in their wake was heartbreaking.

Thrawn’s living quarters on board the Chimaera were surprisingly sparse.  I walked about the small suite of rooms aimlessly, careful not to touch anything at first. The place was kept spartan and impossibly tidy, nothing was out of place. I stared at the rooms and took note of the lack of decoration, there might have been art here once but nothing was here now. He had worked here, and slept here but he had not lived here. Gingerly I opened some of the drawers in the bedroom but they were mostly empty aside from the basic items of clothing that were neatly folded. Nothing I touched spoke to me.

On the desk in the small ready room sat a holo-image in a plain frame. I guessed it was the one that the Captain had spoken about. I looked at it not knowing who that girl was anymore. She seemed impossibly young and far too happy to be me and slowly the shock which had stripped away my ability to feel receded leaving unbelievable grief in its wake.

I had known death my whole life. Each loss had brought with it a pain so great I had not believed I could ever find my way back from it and yet I had. I had nearly lost my sanity when I had miscarried my baby but even that nightmare had passed into a strange kind of strength I never knew existed. Each death had been a shock to my system yet I had somehow been able to work through the darkness but not this one, not this time.

This one I should have been prepared for and this made it all the more terrible. From the very first waking vision at the Nona Shyr gallery until this moment I had subconsciously known this day would come and yet I had not, and could not believe it would ever happen.  I had been warned over and over and still I had dared to hope. Now I had to cope not only with the fact that Thrawn had been murdered by his trusted bodyguard but also the loss of all hope that he had somehow found a way to prevent it all from happening and I didn’t know how.

Alone and not knowing what else to do I made my way to the small couch and sat down, hugging my knees close to my chest. I tried to bring Thrawn’s face to mind but all I could picture was him lying in the cold stasis box. The ache in my gut grew so unbearable I thought it would choke me to death until finally I broke. Deep ugly sounds wrenched from my throat and I was powerless to stop it. I could not wrap my mind around a galaxy without him and it broke me completely.

I cried so hard it almost made me ill. I was grateful in this moment to be alone and when, eventually exhaustion took over from grief, I fell into a dreamless sleep until Ged woke me gently.

“I’m sorry, “I mumbled as I sat up slowly, “I must have dozed off. How long have you been gone?”

“About six maybe seven hours.” He said. He looked shattered.

I sat up feeling like something a bantha had dragged in. I was stiff and achy from sleeping in a strange position. My eyes were swollen, sticky and sore from crying, my throat was raw and I was quite sure something had died in my mouth. He had a cup of tea in his hand, when he offered it to me I took it and sipped the warm, sweet liquid gratefully.

“I’m sorry, things took a lot longer than I thought they would but you slept, that’s good.” He said. “I had them bring you something to eat as well.” He gestured to the tray on the table in front of me, beside it sat the unopened courier packet from Thrawn

“Thank you.” I nodded knowing I wouldn’t touch the food. I wasn’t hungry. “How are you holding up?” I asked as he sat down beside me.

He drew a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Honestly? I’m exhausted, angry and frustrated.” He replied after a moment. “We lost one of the greatest military leaders this galaxy has ever seen and we lost one of the single most important battles ever fought. Now we have to decide what to do about it. It won’t be easy.”

“Was he wrong to withdraw?” I asked. “The Captain, was he wrong?”

Ged shook his head slightly. “No. Under the circumstances he did the very best thing he could do and he saved a lot of lives as well as ships. Thrawn always knew when to withdraw and it seems he taught his protégé well.”

“What happens now?”

“Now you and I will have some food and drink some tea and then you will open that.” He indicated the pouch on the table. “I know you don’t want to but you have to. That’s why I felt it would be better for you to have some quiet space. No one will come in here.”

I stared at it for a long moment then put my cup down and picked the sealed pouch up. I braced myself for a barrage of memories but nothing happened. I put my thumb on the seal to open it and emptied the contents on the table, four small sealed packets and another envelope, this one smaller and made from fine paper tumbled out.

I picked up the envelope as it had my name on it also expecting to see the memories it contained but again nothing happened and then I understood that when he had put this package together Thrawn must have worn gloves. He had known what would happen to him and he had known about my gift so he had protected me as best he could. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

I opened the letter and sat back to read it but there wasn’t that much to read. His last instructions were clear and concise. When I was done I handed it to Ged so that he could read it as well. Thrawn had written in basic.

I looked at the four slender packets, all secure-sealed, identified and encoded for the person they had been designated for. I picked up the one for Ged and handed it to him.  One was for me, one for Navaari and the fourth one was to be delivered to a member of the Chiss Aristocra named Chaf'orm'bintrano with whom I was to meet with when I returned Thrawn’s body to his home world of Csilla.

“I can’t allow this.” Ged said as he set the letter and the data-disk case down on the table.

“You don’t get a choice in the matter.” I told him wearily.

“It’s dangerous and stupid to travel right now.” He replied angrily.

“Thrawn’s instructions are very clear. Timing is everything to the Chiss and I’m the person he has given this task to, no one else may interfere. Not even you.” I was amazed at how detached I sounded.

“I won’t let you.” He was fierce and I understood he was just being protective.

I looked up into his face. “You have to.” I said gently, “I need to honour his last request and you have work to do here. He’s given you the fleet, now you need to decide what to do with it.”

Ged sat back hard against the couch and ran his fingers through his hair. “Oh, I didn’t sign up for this.” He said with a short bark of a laugh. He reached out to pick up the packet marked for his eyes only, turning it over and over with his fingers. “All I ever wanted to be was a pilot.” It was a half truth but I let it slide.

“You mean you don’t want to be supreme warlord of the Empire?” I asked with a small, tight smile. It wasn’t a job I would ever have wanted and I understood Ged’s reticence to take on the mantle himself, though I thought he would probably be good at it. “You could always give the job to Captain Pellaeon and go back to being Ged the super spy in charge of the Imperial Order.”

He looked at me for a second and then he leaned over and kissed my cheek. “You know, you’re brilliant. Who better to lead the fleet right now than Gilad Pellaeon, Thrawn’s protégé? I can promote myself to Grand Admiral and then do the same for him. It’s not as if anyone is left to argue about this is it?”

I just shook my head and fought the immense lump of sadness that had suddenly welled up to the surface. “No, not anymore.” I said and finished drinking my tea. I set the cup down and looked around me, then picked up the pouch and stuffed the remaining packets in it along the Thrawn’s letter. Ged never took his eyes off me and I knew what he was thinking.

“Don’t say it.”

His jaw clenched. “You should return to the Virulent and rest, properly. Make the decisions on a clear head.”

“There is no decision to make; it’s already been made for me. Now I have to prepare for the journey to Csilla. I need the cold stasis chamber taken to my ship. Do you think you can arrange that? I’m not up to arguing with anyone or explaining the intricacies of Chiss mourning rituals and ceremonies plus you out-rank them all.”

“Right now?” He asked. “Merlyn it’s...”

I cut him off, “I have a deadline to meet. The Chiss have a strict burial code and if I am to comply with that I need to leave as soon as possible. Please don’t argue with me on this because you won’t win and I don’t want to have to fight with you.” I paused to get a grip on my grief. “Please Ged, just don’t...” My voice wavered and I had stop and take a deep breath to get myself back under some sort of control.

“I’m sorry, Merly, I’m sorry. Just tell me what you need, I’ll see to it. ”

I nodded, pinch-faced and utterly bewildered at how calmly I was able to make the requests. “Do you think you can get the Chimaera’s crew to fuel my ship and set me up with food and supplies as well?”

“I’ll arrange for everything including an escort.” He answered.

“No escort.” I told him firmly.

“I insist!”

I shook my head. “No. Trust me, you need all the pilots you’ve got and I am far safer travelling in my own ship alone than with a formation of TIEs at my side. Such an escort might be seen as an act of aggression and believe me when I tell you do not want a war against Thrawn’s people. Please, you have to do this for me. You have to trust me and you have to let me go.”

“Let you go....” He murmured and then swallowed hard. “How can I do that knowing you might be killed?”

“I don’t know, you just do.” I said quietly.

He shook his head and sighed. “This is against my better judgement so you had better return in one piece.  Don’t make me come after you just to tell you I told you so.”

My resolve gave out and I couldn’t answer him so I gave him a kiss on the cheek before laying my head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around me and when I broke down and cried he just held me more tightly without saying another word. We sat like that for a very long time.

Eventually I pulled away from him. “I had better get ready; I have a lot to prepare for and not much time.” I said wiping the last of my tears from my face. “Once Thraw...once his body is on board my ship I have to head over to the Virulent to pack my things. I’ll take you back over, if you like.”

“Let me know when you’re ready to go.” He said, “I will have to brief my people on what has happened and then need to start making some plans for the future.

And because there really wasn’t anything else to be said about it I nodded and with that we set into motion the last journey Thrawn would ever take; his journey home.




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