Some words from the author.

Sometimes very large ideas begin out of the smallest moments. This one started at a science fiction convention in Dartmouth, NS where Dave Prowse was the guest from a conversation about what the worst job in the Star Wars Empire would be. My take on it was being Darth Vader’s personal assistant would probably really suck and that idea wormed into my brain and settled there like a song you can’t seem to stop humming.

It would surface every now and then and I would write some pages but they never went anywhere so I let it go and went on to other things. Later on, in the late 90’s,I found the Imperial Order, on online Star Wars club based around the Lucas Arts Game TIE Fighter and it was run by a charming guy named Ged Larsen. While playing in this club the online persona of Merlyn developed and the story made headway but I kept it to myself and other things got in the way.

Several years later when I began to play Star Wars Galaxies the story resurfaced again, this time reborn as a blog but the blog style didn’t really work and eventually it led into an online book in serial form which ended very recently with the last post.

My goal was to write this story to its completion and since I already knew the ending and had a rough draft version written well before the 1st book ended I thought it was do-able. I had no idea it would turn into this and it has been an interesting journey.

It wasn’t set out to be a “Thrawn” fan fiction although many read it this way. In fact it wasn't a "fanfic" at all as far as I was concerned I was just writing a book, and mostly for me. It grew into something more and fanfic is the lable most people seem to want to use. I personally just call it writing books that won't ever be professionally published In teh end what ever lable gets used doesn't matter.  It was a story about a girl who ended up in an unlikely job and what happened next. I had never intended for it to turn out to be an intense love story but it is on many levels and about all kinds of love both good and bad. I tried as much as I could to stick to canon and be as true as I could to all the pre-existing characters out there while weaving my own story throughout in such a way that it left no big footprint or impact yet at the same time could be plausible and realistic. There is something incredibly challenging about doing this and it was a lot of fun to try.

There are a lot of original characters in these books that have nothing to do with George Lucas’s creations and they were a lot of fun to write. There are also characters in these books who exist in real life. They were someone’s ‘toon’ in Star Wars Galaxies or they were people I knew from the Imperial Order. I am deeply grateful for having been allowed to “use” them in this fashion and I hope I did them justice. It was a way of keeping them alive long after the platform where we met had vanished.

A lot of people have helped along the way not the least of which are my husband and Nathan P. Butler who is the creator of the Star Wars Time Line Gold.I would also be amiss without saying thank you to the incredibly dedicated readers (you know who you are) who nudged, commented, and helped shape the books along the way. You have no idea how important you are. The fact that people actually read and seemed to enjoy this story kept me going through some pretty grim moments.

Now the process of editing and cleaning the books up so that the story runs smoothly begins, so that they can be without all the fill stuff that went in it to pad out the blog posts. It will take a while but I think the end result will be worth it.

I will ask that the hosted pdfs here stay here. Please do not post or upload them or host them anywhere else. Link to this page if you’d like to share it and maybe let me know you’ve done so. It’s nice to be asked.

I should also add for the lawyers out there I have not ever and will not ever make any money off this. It is not for sale. To the best of my knowledge no one else is making money off it either and if they are  they do so without my knowledge and against my express wishes. Copyright of all the Star Wars everything belongs to Lucas Film Limited and I am deeply grateful that we can play in this sandbox without too much fear of reprisal. I would ask the same respect for my own creations as well.

So to everyone out there who is in love with the Star Wars world, felt that Darth Vader was more than just an evil masked villain, fell in love with Grand Admiral Thrawn and has looked for more I hope that you enjoy this small contribution. It was a labour of love.

Endings and Beginnings 12

I stood holding my breath as Kerrjan left and Thrawn walked into the light. The pup at my feet growled softly in a way that meant business. I didn’t think that such a small creature would attack a grown man but I picked him anyway and hushed him, grateful to have something warm to hold onto so that no one could see how much my hands trembled.

“Hullo A’myshk’a,” Thrawn said carefully, “Welcome back.”

“Za’ar?”

“Were you expecting someone else?” He asked taking a step closer to me. The little wolf pup in my arms raised his hackles so I held his muzzle gently until he stopped and licked my hand instead.

I shrugged trying to sound nonchalant and failed spectacularly. “I thought you’d left the enclave. All of your things are gone from my room at Navaari’s. And after what I said to you before we left... well I thought you had gone for good.”

He cocked his head to one side. “Why would I leave?” He asked genuinely surprised at the question.

“I broke our bond. I told you I no longer wanted to be with you?”

“Ah,” He smiled ever so slightly and nodded, “You were angry with me and rightly so but only the Elder could officially undo a bond and only I could request he do so. I am the one bound to you under Dantassi law not the other way around. Even then, I doubt he would, in this case, comply. Didn’t Kirja’navaar’inkjerii tell you this? He knows the rules as well as I do.”

I shook my head. Navaari had failed mentioned this to me but then again I had also never really asked him either.

“I see.” He said thoughtfully, “Well, I felt it would be prudent to wait a little and see if you still felt the same way about me, about us, when you returned.”

I swallowed down the sudden fear I had felt and replaced it with a strange sense of relief so vast it nearly made me sick. “I don’t.” I told him honestly, “Although I could still kick your ass for what you did to me and if you ever lie like that to me again you won’t have time to make a clone to save you from the hell I’d put you through.”

Thrawn chuckled. “Of that I am quite certain.” He replied as he shortened the distance between us even further. “But I am hopeful that I will not ever need to use such deception with you again.”

I raised my eyebrows at this statement. “You hope…?” I asked, “No, no. You only get to pull that card once in our lifetimes and it’s done.”

He studied me for a moment and then nodded ever so slightly. “I see I was right about the whelp.” He said gesturing to the wolf pup I was still holding, changing the subject deftly.

I looked at the small furry bundle of growl and teeth in my arms. “It would appear he likes me but he’s not so sure about you.”

“I seem to have that affect on certain creatures,” He said never taking his eyes off me, “But he’ll warm up to me in time after all,” He added, “You did.”

I ignored the comment and asked, “Why did you ask Kerrjan to keep him for me? You know his stance on sled wolves being pets. And what ever made you think I would want a pet at all?”

He regarded me with an expression I couldn’t decipher and took a very deep breath. “Were I to be completely honest I would say that really, I don’t know.  I was here helping when Gisch was giving birth, and he was a bit of a surprise, the last to be born. The scanner had indicated she would have a litter of seven not eight. When he was born he was cold and not breathing. Kerrjan said he was not worth trying to save, too small, too runty but I managed to warm him up and his lungs began to work. We were not certain the whelp would make it through the night but he did, against all the odds he survived. He has a very strong will for one so tiny. I suppose he reminded me a little of you. It’s not been an easy road for you but you managed to come through everything stronger than ever. I thought that maybe he should have a chance at life, I thought that maybe you would be the right person to train him and give him that, after all everyone deserves a chance or two.” He said carefully.

 I buried my face the pup’s fur and sighed. “You’re getting soft in your old age.”

“Death will do that to a man.” He joked. It wasn’t funny.

I made a face, “According to Navaari it’s love which makes men do stupid things.”

“Perhaps a little of both?” He suggested. “But for now you should put him back in his kennel as there is something I wish to show you without a pup underfoot.”

I did as he asked making triple sure the kennel was locked tightly. I felt a deep pang of attachment as the pup began to whimper and then howl when I turned to leave.

“I see I was not mistaken.” Thrawn remarked cryptically. “He’ll quiet down when the lights are off.”

I nodded, used the force to flick off the lights and then followed him out into the still light night, across the quad to the main enclave entrance but instead of turning to head to Navaari’s he took a completely different route and led me to a older part of the enclave that was now seldom used. At the end of a short corridor he opened up an ornate wooden door.

“It was once a meeting area but it has since been renovated.” He said as he stood to one side and let me enter first.

When I gasped in surprise he smiled. I had been here once before, a long time ago, when Navaari had shown me all over the complex and back then this had been a disused large open hall with a fire place and a small set or stairs off to one side that led to storage rooms. There were six offices or smaller council chambers, three to either side of the main hall, but they had been dimly lit and somewhat dusty with disuse.  Navaari had explained that due to the ever growing size of the enclave new council chambers and meeting halls had been built, deeper underground and more modern. What I saw now was a far cry from that memory and the beauty of it reminded me, on first glimpse, of the flat Thrawn and I had shared on Coruscant.

“What is this?” I asked.

“This is the reason I am no longer taking up space in your bedroom in Kirja’navaar’inkjerii’s home.” He replied as if his words explained everything.

I just looked at him in question.

“Come, let me show you.” He signalled for me to go with him so I did and what I saw took my breath away.

The main hall had been divided into an open plan living area, a semi walled in kitchen and dining room. I recognised some of the furniture and the art work that adorned the shelves and walls. Most of these things had been on the base at Nirauan or placed into storage when we had left Coruscant for good.

I followed him, speechless, as he showed me the rooms off the main area, one had been turned into a study with a library for him, and there was a training room along with a small but serviceable ‘fresher. Two of the remaining three smaller rooms were still empty and one was full of storage containers.  The whole place was cleverly lit to simulate day light and was airy enough that I didn’t feel as though it were under the ground which in reality it was. 

For a moment I just stood looking around me unable to comment and then it crossed my mind something was missing. I opened my mouth to speak but before I could ask he gestured at me to follow him so I did and was surprised to find him leading me up the staircase which I had recalled being plain and small but was now wider and ornately made out of a dark hard wood leading to what had once been a dimly lit, claustrophobic archive storage area.

“I know how much you hate being shut indoors so I asked for some help in rethinking this place. There was more than enough workable space for our purposes. We had to build up the walls some, add the side rooms, redesign the roof and open it up quite a bit but I think you will like the results. Kerrjan is the one you mostly have to thank for this.” He said as he led me to the second floor. “He’s really quite brilliant when it comes to working with design and materials here and he has a soft spot for you.”

I found it hard to imagine Kerrjan having a soft spot for anyone especially me but I didn’t comment on this. I was too busy trying to process what was looking at. This was one large room with high open sloped ceiling with two smaller rooms off to one side and a door to what looked like it could be a large closet on the other. This was the master bedroom and I covered my mouth with my hand when I saw that bed taking up center position against the far wall was the beautiful antique one from Coruscant. Before I could ask any questions he took me by the hand and showed me the master ‘fresher and smiled at the reaction on my face.

“We designed this room especially for you. I have my own ‘fresher so this is all yours.”

I just stared at the beautiful craftsmanship that had gone into the room, the bathtub was deep enough and, I noted with a smile, large enough for two to fit with ease. The floors had been made of a deep grey polished stone and I feel the warmth from the floor heating under my feet. There was a large, well lit vanity and the rest of the utilities were all elegant and simple in design. There was a lot of room for plants and a shelf that ran the length of the bathtub built into the wall for books and candles and other things. I gazed around in wonder. It was perfect.

“How? When did you do all of this?” I asked as I walked around the room caressing the surfaces and fixtures with my fingertips.

“While you were gone and as I said, I had a lot of help. Many people here were only too happy to make sure this project would be finished before you returned but you missed something. Come.” He said leading me back into the bedroom. “Look up.”

So I did and gasped. “Skylights? You had windows put into the roof?” I almost got a crick in my neck looking up at the fairly large sloped windows that showed a deepening night sky streaked with colours from the slow setting sun. Windows were not something the Dantassi generally used, too wasteful when it came to design especially as most of the buildings were below the ground to help preserve heat.

Thrawn smiled. “It took some work, and we needed to raise the roof up so that it would be above the ground which meant some special engineering to make the room completely insulated but there are plenty of talented architects here and the transparent durasteel is strong enough to withstand the worst of the weather here and when it’s too bad they have shutters that slide over them to protect them as well as for some semblance of darkness during the summer. I told Kerrjan you would live in a place without windows but I would rather we found a way around that because I never wanted you to feel boxed or shut in.”

I took a deep breath and looked around but I didn’t know what to say. He had done all of this in the four months I had been gone and it took my breath away.

“Is it to your liking because we could change it if you wa...” He started to say, uncertainty lacing through his words, but I made a little hand gesture to shut him up and was grateful that he complied.

“You did all of this for me?” I asked softly. “Even after what I said to you?”

“Did you really believe that a few words said in anger would be enough to drive me away from you?” He asked genuinely puzzled.

I made a face because that’s exactly what I had thought. He chuckled and caressed my cheek with the back of his hand.  “I had the plans in mind for quite some time knowing that you and I would need our own space if things worked out with the clone the way I hoped they would. It did not matter whether he lived or died, either way he would have taken my place so that I would be free to choose a different life. My time with the Empire was done. I accomplished what I set out to do, for the most part and now being Imperial would only serve as a hindrance not an advantage.” He paused for a moment. “It is equally important to know when to withdraw from something as it to know when to advance. When I first met Palpatine the galaxy, the rules were different. Working under him made certain things easier to do. I had a goal I was working towards and for the most part I accomplished this goal.”

“Nirauan?”

He nodded. “Yes, and it isn’t going anywhere. What has been built out there will last and grow.”

I digested this for a moment then asked. “So you haven’t retired to settle down completely then?”

There was a very lengthy silence while he chose his words carefully. “When I was taken in as a merit adoptive under house Mitth I swore an oath to serve and protect my home world, my people and Chiss space. Everything I have done has been with this oath in mind. I felt I couldn’t effectively do my job bound by the constraints of Chiss laws so when the opportunity came along to work outside of these constraints I took it. I have said this many times, you were an unexpected deviation in my path. My focus was on my work not women. Yet there you were a mystery waiting to be unravelled, like a work of art I could not quite decipher. By the time I realised I was in over my head it was already too late.” He looked around him and sighed. “I knew I had lost the battle of keeping myself distant from female distractions the night Jyrki stole you away after the Grand Ball. The way I felt as I realised what had happened to you made me realise that I cared deeply for you and it wasn’t just a passing fancy. It was especially unnerving to discover there was little I could do to find or help you and  the way I felt in that moment shocked me because I would have torn down planets to find you if I could.  I understood right then and there, that you had become a part of my world so that my oath to serve and protect now also included you. When you began to tell me about the dreams you were having of my possible death at first I was sure they were just dreams but I soon learned that your force talents are remarkably strong and one would be a fool not to pay them heed. I planned for a variety of possible outcomes all of which included you.”

I bit my lip and stared at him. “You never tell me this.”

His face softened, “Oh sj’iu tekari I tell you this all the time you just haven’t deciphered the language yet to realise this.” When I didn’t answer he continued, “Originally I had thought you and I would both build this together, that you would want to have a say in the plans but,” He paused, “I had not reckoned on the depth of your anger although in retrospect I should have. After you left I decided that no matter what you felt for me upon your return you should have a place of your own. As much as you love them you cannot live with Kirja’navaar’inkjerii and An’jast’a forever. So yes, it was done for you but I had hoped we would share it.” There was hesitation in his voice.

I looked up at him sharply in question. 

“The last time we spoke you were not exactly happy with me and with good reason. I was not certain that when you returned you would still wish to even be with me. You were right when you said I had underestimated the level of pain and sorrow the death of Grand Admiral Thrawn would put you through and I honestly thought that you would see through some of my cleverness.” 

“You give me way too much credit.” I said a little crossly.

“No, no I do not, I am certain that once you got over the shock you would have asked the right questions and unravelled it all but what I did underestimate was the power of your sorrow to cloud everything else.” He shrugged ever so slightly and I got the distinct impression that his failure to gauge my grief was something he felt ashamed of. “I may be able to plan a war down to its finest detail but dealing with the depth and the intricacies of human emotions will always be somewhat of a mystery to me. The Chiss, as I am certain you have noticed, simply do not feel the same way humans do.  I think that our upbringing and the evolution of our kind has somehow wiped away some of the intensity of the emotions we have and I do seem to constantly underestimate yours.”

 I didn’t think this trait was restricted to just arrogant Chiss males but I bit my tongue. “You’re just figuring this out now?” I asked instead, walking about the bedroom to look at everything. I smiled inwardly when I saw the ma’arilite sculpture that I loved so very much.

He made a face, “Yes, no, well, perhaps. I had not realised just how deeply hurt, how much pain you were in and I honestly thought the very act of actually seeing me, of seeing that none of it was true would counter that grief.”

“You really thought that?”  I shook my head in disbelief. “Really?”

He looked at me for a moment then admitted, “Yes, but then I realised I had made a rather large error in judgement.”

“What was your first clue?” I asked tartly giving him a look.

“Well you hit me for one thing.” He shot back.

“You deserved it!” I told him flatly, “In fact you’re damned lucky I didn’t do worse.”

“I will not dispute that.” He relented and then sighed deeply. “The extent of the damage became clear to me when time passed and you could still not even look at me. I understood that I had completely miscalculated your reaction and the depth of your grief for what you thought was my death.” He frowned. “I had no idea, truly, no idea but when you were willing to release me from the bonding promise I had made to you then I understood the hurt must have gone very deep. After you left the enclave with Kirja’navaar’inkjerii, Kerrjan had a few choice things to say about the whole matter as did the enclave’s council and several of your rather over protective girlfriends made sure I knew exactly what I had done wrong, I would be forever grateful if you would ask them nicely to stand down now.”

I grinned. “It does serve you right you know.”

“Indeed.” He arched an eyebrow and drew deep breath. “Needless to say I have had some time to consider just how hard it must have been for you and that you saw everything I had done as a betrayal of trust for which I am sorry but I maintain it had to be done this way and now I hope you can forgive me.”

I looked around the bedroom once more and took in all that he had done to turn unused council rooms into a beautiful place to live. I thought about how much we had lived through and all the windy twisted paths that had led us to this moment. “I think given the right incentive I could be convinced to do so.” I told him while giving him that under the lashes stare which said even more than my words. “But you understand things are different between us. What you did, what I went through, it changed me. I am no longer the same girl I was before all of this….” I struggled to find the right words, grateful when he interrupted me with words of his own.

“No,” A slight hint of a smile touched the corners of his mouth as he took a step to towards me. “No you are not.”

I frowned wondering if this was something he found distasteful but before I could voice this concern he beat me to it.

“Every time you go through some sort of emotional or physical trauma you manage to come out of it stronger. You are so fierce and yet at the same time so incredibly vulnerable, it is a seductive mix. When I first met you, you were a lovely, feisty young girl on the verge of discovering her place in the galaxy now you have become this extraordinary woman whose strength through adversity awes me at every turn.  You are both fragile and strong and this strange dichotomy makes you unbelievably attractive. You have no idea how truly beautiful you really are.” He paused for just a second then said, “I am certain that were I to try anything like this again you would kill me before I could ever apologise. But just this once forgive me for not telling you the whole story. I had my reasons and one day these will become clear to you.”

I made a face. “I reserve the right to use it against you when we fight.” I told him and I was only half kidding.

His smile broadened. “I would expect no less.”  I let him caress my face with gentle hands, smiling when he pulled me to him and held me tightly as though that very act would make everything that had happened between us go away. He wasn’t right but he wasn’t wrong either.

I looked up into his face to find him staring intensely at me. My heart skipped more than one beat and I welcomed the familiar and wonderful sensations which sent heat flooding through my body. I waited for him to move but he didn’t and for a second I wondered why then I decided the why didn’t matter. There had been too much back and forth, too many misunderstandings and, above all, too much time apart. I had spent far too much time letting him take the lead, letting him set the pace and allowing him to make the rules and now I decided that it was my turn. This moment wavered, fragile and delicate, as though everything between us hung on my next words. I wanted to make them count.

“I think this is the part where you kiss me.” I whispered never taking my eyes from his.

He raised an eyebrow in question.

“Now.” I prompted.

I could see relief and something else in his face. The sweet smile on his lips turned feral and hungry but he hesitated for a moment so I clasped his face between my hands and drew him to me so that I could kiss him making sure that if my words were unclear my actions were not.

When we pulled apart he went to speak but I shut him up with my forefinger upon his lips. “No, no more words. We’ve had enough words to last an age. You told me you loved me now show me just how much.”

“As you wish.” He replied, his voice suddenly husky and brandy warm.

I just smiled and then I let him undress me slowly while I took great delight in removing his clothes with equal care. I let my fingertips explore every inch of his skin, seduced by the sensations his own hands created as they reacquainted themselves with my body.

I had thought this was lost to me forever and suddenly the enormity of what he had done so that this moment was possible crashed down on me much like an avalanche. I rested my forehead against his chest and gasped at the whirlpool of emotions which clouded my thoughts.

“What?” he whispered, guiding my face upwards so he could maybe figure out my sudden change in mood just from looking at me, “What is it?”

I wanted to tell him but I couldn’t find the words and perhaps he read some of this in my expression because he didn’t ask any more questions he just kissed me instead until the strange sad dizziness passed into something filled with hungry need and heat. This, too, he saw and he did not argue when I pulled him to the bed, yanked him to lie on top of me so that for a short time he could complete me. But I was hurried and breathless. I wanted too much too quickly, but this was not really what he had in mind. I growled at him when he moved away.

“Not so fast tekari, not so fast.” He murmured, slowing everything down to an agonising crawl. He shifted and moved so that he could kiss my body gently. I writhed under his touch. When his mouth, his tongue, warm and wet, found my breasts I arched my back involuntarily and whimpered as he teased. He left me shuddering with need and it was annoyingly wonderful.

There had been a time when such intense passion had scared me but not anymore. Now I found myself willing to follow him into this abyss and drown in the desire which made my heart beat so fast I thought maybe it would burst out of my chest. He chuckled as I snarled at him when he moved away, tormenting me in a way I had utterly forgotten about. I could have, if I had wanted to, turned the tables on him but for reasons I could never have voiced I was happy to have him lead. His hands found all the right places to touch, his mouth on mine was sweet yet needy and I responded exactly as he knew I would.

We had danced this dance so many times that his guidance was more of an afterthought than a direction, a variation on a theme that had an unlimited amount of combinations. He led. I followed. I knew what pleased him but he knew me better and this time he took great care to direct the action so that my lack of self control would not get the better of us both. He wanted this moment to last a very long time and it made me nearly sick with a sexual hunger I had never quite known before. For this moment in time this was his dance floor and upon it he owned me body and soul.

Just when I thought I would pass out from want he shifted again, nudging my knees apart, sliding his body between my legs. The weight and warmth of him made him real, made him solid. I wrapped my limbs about him but I wanted more so I grabbed his hair, which had grown longer, and pulled fiercely.  The growl which came from somewhere deep in the back of his throat gave me an odd sense of satisfaction. He pulled in tightly to my body as if that would quell my need to hurt him but it only drove my need higher. I nipped his shoulder with my teeth and dug my nails into the skin of his back.

“Sheath your claws and fangs, tekari.” He whispered, “You can punish me later if that is your wish but you asked me to show you how I feel, allow me to do so without drawing blood.” He reached up and threaded his fingers through mine to push my hands back up over my head pinning them there against the pillow. “Please.” He added.

For a second we lay there face to face, almost joined as one, pausing to savour the moment, utterly aroused and incredibly vulnerable. The galaxy held its breath just for just a moment, waiting. There was so much pleasure that it was almost painful and when I could stand it no longer I gave in to his request and relinquished control. He smiled as my body which had been tense suddenly relaxed into his touch, moulded to fit against him, water over ice, a second skin.

His hands grazed across my breasts, then trailed across the flat of my belly to pause there. An expression I couldn’t quite decipher flashed across his face as he kissed where his hands had lain but before I could ask about it his fingers found something else to occupy them. Whatever question had been on my lips was cut short by his caresses and deep, exploring kisses which sent me into a tailspin almost nudging me over an invisible edge into that madness which only lovers know.

I growled at him and he chuckled softly.

“Keep this up and I will have to hurt you.” I gasped, “Again.”

“A delight I shall look forward to at a later time but for now allow me the illusion that you are mine and let me pleasure you in my own way.” He said so possessively that it made my heart skip.

It wasn’t an illusion though, I thought idly. After all we had been through there never was and never would be anyone else but I didn’t say this out loud. Instead I just gave him an enigmatic smile which he returned with one of his own then he eased himself into me with agonizing slowness. I gasped at the delight every centimetre of him gave me.

My entire body reacted quite of its own accord to each thrust and all I could do was ride with him. The pace he set was slow and he moved with a deliberate, languid grace all the while watching my face, keeping eye contact as if he were afraid I would somehow vanish. I smirked at the knowledge that he needed me too and then because I didn’t really have a whole lot of options I followed the path his rhythm created. It was a deep, deep place and I felt my mind slip backwards into it, surrounded by love and pleasure, strength and power as well as something elusive and indefinable. I sighed as sensations stripped me of my senses and I let my mind go.

Stop holding on to your fears someone had once said and that advice had never felt more apropos than right at this very moment. I called up the force and felt it shift around us, a subtle misty veil which threaded through all living things. It wound between us and bound us together sparking like fire on resin soaked wood and I knew he felt it too because his eyes widened in surprise. I pushed it through us both and he gasped with my name on his lips.

When I tapped into it in this way I could see it dance over us, forming a living breathing arc of magic illuminating everything that breathed. I followed this thread of light as far as I could into my body, into my soul, into that place where we joined. In this moment we were truly one and just possibly we were also creating life. Suddenly I understood his earlier expression as he had caressed my belly. There had been such sorrow in that loss but it would not always be the case and I smiled with a secret joy then clung tightly to him while we rode through the storm our coupling created as it reached that point of no return.

For a very long time we just lay wrapped about each other until the racing of our hearts slowed down. Sweat soaked, satiated and boneless, I nuzzled his neck and kissed his salty skin only half aware of the world around me. When he pulled back from me, separating us, I complained about it, as I always did, which made him smile. When I shivered, he drew the large blanket over us both.

“Za’ar?” I spoke his name out loud and asked a thousand questions with this single utterance.

“I am here.” He murmured in my ear. “I am not going anywhere and you are safe.” It was an old, familiar mantra.

“And will you still be here when I wake up?”

He nodded. “Yes.”

“Promise?” I asked too drowsy in the aftermath to move.

I could feel him smile as he answered. “I promise.” He said then he shifted so that he could curl himself protectively around me stroking me absently until I fell asleep and if there were dreams, good, bad or in between I didn’t recall them when I woke up the next morning.

He had kept his word and when, still caught up in the remnants of sleep, I rolled over he was there lying on his side with his head propped up on his palm wide awake and watching me. For a long moment we just stared at each other and then he broke the spell by caressing my face.

“And she who dances as sunlight upon snow finally awakens.” He murmured.

I grinned and stretched in a jax like manner. “You’re still here.”

“I promised I would be.”

“Did that promise include ‘caf?” I asked hopefully.

“It certainly could be arranged.” He replied, moving a stray lock of tangled hair from my face as I just watched him, then something in my expression made him ask, “What is it?”

“I was just wondering how long we can stay like this?”

“In bed? I think it would get a bit uncomfortable after a day or so.” He teased.

“No, I meant, like this, in general, together and alive at the same time in the same place with nothing to do that will keep us at opposite ends of the universe or do you have some new plans for galactic domination that I need to know about?”

“Ahh.” He cocked his head slightly to one side and the corners of his lips curled into a smile. “No, currently my schedule is clear for the time being. Perhaps at a later date more pressing issues will intrude but for today I had rather thought you might like to unpack your things and settle in. I had all of our belongings shipped from Nirauan and from storage.”

“You did, how?”

“I made arrangements in secret with Thomas to sort all of that out prior to coming here. Once this place was finished and habitable I had everything moved here and what I didn’t get around to or belonged to you I placed in one of the unused rooms downstairs.” He said. “Even if you did not wish to be with me I imagined that you would prefer to have your things here rather than return to Nirauan to deal with all of that on your own.”

If I ever saw Doctor Thracer again I was going to have words with him about keeping such massive secrets from me but for now I was happy that he had been able to help. “So everything is now here?”

He nodded. “Unless you still have belongings on the Virulent.”

I shook my head, “No, I didn’t know if I would be returning to that ship so I cleared my quarters out completely. I think Ged knew I wouldn’t be coming back even though he told me I could.” I answered feeling an odd flash of sorrow as I recalled that moment in time. “Even if I had wanted to I don’t think I would have returned to that life.” There had been something horribly final about that moment in the Virulent’s hanger bay. It must have shown in my expression because he reached over and caressed my face gently.

 “I am sorry.” He said.

I opened my mouth then closed it again and then I said finally, “I know you are and I know you mean it. You keep saying those words but you should stop.”

“Perhaps.” He didn’t sound so sure. I guess he had been given quite an earful by several people after I had left and being told off by Kerrjan alone would have been enough to send me scurrying away like a frightened durni. Here, in this enclave as Nikätza’arth’pavjäska, he was not in charge of anything and while he might have been respected and have a place on the council he was not considered terribly important in the overall scope of things. It must have been weird for him to make such a switch. I suspected there were many things going on to keep his brilliant mind occupied that I did not yet know about. It occurred to me in that moment that maybe the Aristocra had known the body I had returned to Csilla wasn’t actually the man I thought it was, and then I wondered if Ged also knew the truth. Thrawn was many things but a man to settle down and be happy with a quiet family life was never going to be one of them and I was a little surprised to discover I was okay with this.

I inhaled deeply and let the air out slowly while I thought about what I wanted to say, and then deciding that thinking was overrated I ploughed ahead. “Listen to me.” I said, “I used to have nightmares about your death a lot and I lived with that knowledge for a really long time. Then the very thing I feared and dreaded the most happened and thought I’d lost you forever but that was not the case.” I brought my knees up to my chest and hugged them tightly. “I don’t like being lied to and it was a hell of a shock to see you alive and well after what I had just gone through, sitting with your corpse, sitting through your funeral. I needed time to deal with that shock, that grief, your ghost, as well as my own anger.” He watched me with in intensity that was a little unnerving but I needed to finish my thoughts.

“You hurt me.” I told him plainly, “I thought you were dead and grief sits deeply with me which you should have known. Maybe part of you did but the logic part of you ignored this fact and the result was not very pretty. You really did put me through hell and I still don’t know what to make of it all but I worked through the worst of it and came to understand that no matter how mad I may have been it doesn’t compare to life without you in it.”

He nodded but before he could say anything I added. “Navaari knew, he knew I needed time to think and he did as well, like me, he was pretty pissed off at you, you know.”

“That would be an understatement if ever there was one.” Thrawn said with a sigh, running his fingers through his hair to brush it back off his face.

I nodded, “We both just needed time and once we’d sorted through all the grief and the anger to discover that having you alive was much better than thinking you were dead it was time to come home. When I saw the room cleared of all your things I thought…well I thought we just never seemed to get a break that, no matter how much we tried, the universe was determined we should not be together. In that moment, when I thought I had lost you for good a second time I knew that no matter what you had done or how you had done it I wanted you alive and I wanted you with me. I didn’t think I would ever be whole again until the moment you stepped into the barn.”

“I had hoped to catch you when you arrived so that I could explain why I had moved everything from your room but you had already gone to change and then I missed you again because you had come to the barn. I ran into Kerrjan who wanted to see what all the fuss was about, suspecting that the pup had escaped. He got to you first. ”

I nodded. “I had forgotten my pack and you know how picky Navaari gets when I leave my stuff lying around.”

That made Thrawn smile. “You are a little chaotic.”

“It’s part of my charm.” I replied airily.

He reached over and caressed my cheek. “You were not the only one who was concerned about the state of our relationship.”

“That’s good to know.” I told him. “But now you’re here and you’re alive. I feel as though we’ve been given a second chance. You don’t have to plan a war, you don’t have to command a battle fleet and there’s no Emperor to meddle our fates. I may have been pretty pissed off at you but now I am just grateful. Stop saying you are sorry. I accept your apology, okay?”

He gave me a slight almost uncertain nod. “Okay.”

“And I forgive you.” I added after a moment.

The air in the bedroom was still as he just watched me and then he let out the breath he had been holding slowly. “Thank you.” He nodded and I understood that he had really needed to hear these words.

“So that leaves me to ask what happens now?” I looked at him.

For what felt like an age he said nothing. He just stared at me as though I were some great mystery he had yet to untangle. Then he leaned over and kissed me on the forehead. “Now I make stim’caf and we begin.” He replied, getting out of bed and nudging me to do the same

“Begin what?” I asked taking the warm, floor length robe that he handed me and slipping it on.

“Begin the rest of our lives.” He answered with an enigmatic smile.

I stood very still, watching him slip into a pair of soft trousers as the enormity of his words sank in slowly. I wondered, for a moment, if we could actually have a life with each other that did not revolve around some sort of personal conflict, or a galactic war, or some other major disaster. If we could live together for longer than a few stolen months at a time and not end up fighting or hating each other. I had believed, in the past, that such a life with this man could never happen because he was too tied to his command and his ship but now that the possibility stood before me and I suddenly found myself scared at the prospects of one way of life ending so that another could begin. Perhaps he sensed my thoughts because he looked at me with a slight frown and came to stand in front of me.

“Credit for them.” He said as he circled my waist with his hands.

“I was just wondering if a normal life together was even possible.”

“I think, given all that we have been through, we have earned the right to try, don’t you?” He replied touching his forehead to mine.

I just stood there for a moment not answering him then I looked up into his face trying to read the expression in his eyes and nodded. “Yes.” I said, “I suppose we have.”

“Right then, come with me so that I can feed you.” And he led me downstairs. 

I sat at the kitchen counter and watched as he prepared ‘caf and breakfast.  I believed then that, maybe just maybe, it was possible to be loved, happy and content all at the same time.  I wrapped my hands around the hot mug of ‘caf he handed me and sipped it with a smile. I had no idea what our future would bring but in that moment I also didn’t care. I sipped my ‘caf slowly and thought briefly about the last ten years of my life. I had come a long way from the mechanic pit in our docking bay on Tatooine to being here. I had experienced more than I could possibly ever dreamed of although I had not planned for any of it. Certainly I would not have believed I would fall in love with a man like Thrawn but now I could not imagine a life without him although that had very nearly occurred. I wasn’t a person generally given to long periods of introspective thinking but it occurred to me that in this moment I was content. I also knew it wouldn’t stay that way for long but that was also okay.

“So,” he said suddenly breaking into my thoughts, “have you considered a name for that whelp of yours yet?”

“A name?” I laughed, surprised at his question. “No.”

“Kerrjan has been calling him Ka’lü’biri and if you are not careful that name is going to stick.”

I grinned, Ka’lü’biri meant little pest who is nosey. “It’s an apt name though.” I replied.

“You like him then.” It wasn’t really a question.

“I do, thank you he’s very cute.” Then I said, “You understand that he will be living here with us and not stuck out in the barn, right?” It had been heart wrenching to hear the little pup yowl for me as I had left him alone in his kennel. That was not going to happen a second time.

“Kerrjan warned me you would want that and I have no objections as long as he is well behaved. He also said the pup won’t be a good sled-hound but that he has the makings of a fine tracker. He’s very intelligent. You will have to start training him soon though.”

“I’ll talk to Kerrjan about it later.” I said. “One more day of relative freedom won’t hurt the pup. I want to spend the day here, unpacking and…well… being with you.” There was a quiver in my voice which made him stop what he was doing and turn around. “I still can’t quite believe everything that’s happened but I’m grateful you’re alive and….” I added, “I am really glad you’re here.”

He turned to look at me thoughtfully and when our eyes met I felt the world stop and my heart flutter. After all this time, after all we’d been through he still had the power to suck my breath away with a single glance.  The sudden blush that coloured my cheeks did not go unnoticed and his smile was seductive and pleased all at the same time. I didn’t need to ask what he was thinking because I could see it written all over his face.

“No, no, no,” I waggled my forefinger at him, “breakfast first, I’m hungry then I really, really want to try out the bathtub because I think every muscle in my body hurts and after that …well I’m sure you can think of something since diversionary tactics seem to be a speciality of yours.”

He arched an eyebrow and smiled. “Indeed.”

Perhaps if we had been an ordinary couple in the galaxy he would have said something romantic to fill the silence that followed his words or maybe taken my hand in his and gazed lovingly into my eyes but we were not an ordinary couple and he did none of these things. Instead he refilled my cup and then he made breakfast which we both shared in an easy silence reminding me of that single morning on Coruscant when everything had seemed perfect.

There were a billion things I wanted to ask him and he knew this but all of my questions could wait. Right now I was content just to be here in this moment with him because I knew from personal experience that moments like these were rare and precious. We could never go back to what we had been before but I was glad for this too. Now, at least to me, it felt as though we were on more equal footing, as though we had both passed some sort of test of character and managed to survive it intact, more or less.  We had been given a second chance to share a life together unfettered by all the constraints that the Empire, duty and expectation had laid in place. I had never known or loved anyone the way I knew and loved him; it was a daunting thing to face. He was a lot of work, but then again so was I and it was this last thought which made me smile.

I looked up to find him staring at me. His eyes glowed with a soft red heat which made me shiver. “You have that look on your face.” He remarked casually as he began to clear away the dishes.

“Oh? And which one is that?”

“The one that usually means you’re planning some sort of mischief.” He replied.

I shrugged as I got off the stool and headed towards the stairs. “The only thing I plan on doing right now is running a bath and giving that swimming pool you called a bathtub a try. There is nothing mischievous about that,” I said looking at him over my shoulder, “Unless you’d care to join me.”

And then it was his turn to smile. 








The End….

Endings and Beginnings 11

We travelled far the first few days, not saying much beyond what needed to be said. The weather was fine and the wolves ran happily. I wasn’t sure where Navaari was leading us and I didn’t much care. Broken and sad I sat on the sled as counterbalance and swayed with its odd rhythm as though I were caught in a far away dance with a ghost who never really existed. It wasn’t hard to withdraw especially as Navaari was also quiet and brooding. I let time pass by without notice and enjoyed the subtle changes that spring was bringing to the world. Eventually, Navaari let me know that we were headed northwards near Chjelahn. There would be less thaw and more snow as well as better weather in the area. We would end up at the enclave situated close to the North Range Mountains where An’jast’a was staying there, helping her youngest daughter who was in the late stages of a difficult pregnancy.

I wasn’t sure how she would feel about Navaari bringing me along but I kept my mouth shut. According to him I was family and if anyone had anything to say about it they would be dealing with him. He wasn’t in the mood for big discussions and I didn’t want to argue with him so I said nothing and did as he instructed. I was happy not to have to think about anything or make major decisions. It was nice to have instructions and guidance that were clear and concise. It was a long trek by sled especially as we deviated often so he could show me places of interest as well as instruct me along the way. We fell into a routine which did us both good. The hours became days and the days shifted into weeks. Time passed easily which surprised me a little.

I soon discovered that if I had thought I had learned a lot from my time on Hjal under Navaari’s tutelage before it was nothing compared to now. He seemed hell bent on teaching me everything he knew as though jamming my head full of knowledge about tracking and hunting skills would chase away the demons we both knew lay in waiting for the right moment to pop out. I was grateful for the distractions and mostly by the time we were done for the day, had put up the shelter or made it one already existing I was flat out too exhausted to do more than eat and sleep.

When I had last been on Hjal for a long period of time, after I had recovered from my brush with death after Endor, Navaari had taken me trekking to teach me Jhal’kai skills but we had never gone too far from the home enclave. Now as we travelled northwards through parts of the planet I had never been to before I understood more and more why the Dantassi had chosen this world to colonize all those years ago. It was extraordinary.

I marvelled in sights I had never seen before, tracked creatures I had only ever heard tales of or read about and learned a great deal about myself but still we did not discuss the one thing we really needed to, Thrawn. I had never known Navaari to hold a grudge or be so angry at any one person for so long but it wasn’t as if I was in any fit shape to talk to him or council him about any of what had happened. So we danced carefully around the subject and tried very hard not to bring Thrawn up at all.

I carried the terrible grief around like a too heavy pack. It weighed me down and made me melancholy. The memory of Thrawn’s death mixed with the knowledge that he was actually alive and well was strangely difficult to process.  I felt betrayed and relieved all at the same time. I was furious at being left out of his plans, feeling as though he not trusted me to keep his terrible secrets but underneath it all I grudgingly understood that he had done exactly what he had promised he would do. He had taken all my advice, my dreams and visions of the future and he had managed to cheat his own death very cleverly. I tried not to let this thought worm its way into my anger but it did.

Navaari allowed me my space. I know he worried that I might do something crazy but I had learned that lesson a long time ago even if he did not think this was the case. So that he would not fret I kept my feelings to myself, working through the now unjustified sorrow to try and come to terms with reality. It was a slow and difficult inner journey. Still, as was the way of most things, the passage of time made the anger less sharp and one night nearly two months after we had left the enclave the damn of pent up emotions finally broke.

We were staying at one of the many permanent hunting lodges that had been built across the planet’s main trade and track routes. These were small, rustic buildings with the basic amenities such as hot and cold running water, heat, a place to shower, sleep and cook if needed.  All Dantassi who tracked, hunted or even just traversed the planet knew where to find these shelters. Navaari, who had learned from past experience, knew how far I was willing to go without at least being able to shower and had planned the trip accordingly.

We stayed longer at this one because we had been caught by an unexpected spring storm which had been too vicious to try and set up a temporary shelter so he had driven hard to reach this place and I had been grateful for it. For four days straight the blizzard raged about us and with each passing moment I had felt the pressure of words and emotions bubble upwards until the damn finally burst.

I woke up crying and had been unable to stop the flow of tears or sadness, which seemed to pour out of me like bitter poison. I had been dreaming, oddly enough, about Lord Vader as well as my birth mother but I couldn’t quite recall what the dream had been about, just that it had been very sad. Not wanting to wake Navaari, I wrapped  myself up in my warm coat and snuck out to sit by the entrance. He found me there sobbing uncontrollably. I thought when he opened the door he would yell at me for buggering off but instead he just joined me and held me tightly until the tears stopped then he motioned for me to come inside and get out of the wind and blowing snows. He made tea and poured me a cup knowing that now the topic we had both kept so close to our chests was now open for discussion.

We talked for a long time. In the end it was good to get all the feelings out into the open and discover that I wasn’t quite as furious as I had been. Mostly I was just incredibly sad but even that emotion was shifting into something else as the grief I had felt for the death of a man who wasn’t really dead at all receded slowly.

I had been given plenty of time to think about all that had happened to me eventually coming to the conclusion that the universe hated me just a little. Navaari only laughed when I told him this, reminding me of all the good things that had graced my life. It was hard to be self indulgent and melancholy for long around Navaari. He had a way of disarming self pity that was effortless.

“I’m not very good at this relationship thing.” I said crossly, “I seem to incite men to do crazy things.”

“Love does that Kycsi’i not you.” He replied. “And you are a remarkably wilful creature which can be quite confusing to men.”

 “Love!” I snorted ignoring his other comment completely because I couldn’t refute the statement at all.

“You do not agree?”

I had only made a face because he was right.

He watched the play of emotions across my face. “Do you truly no longer love him? Is it really your wish that you go your separate ways now?” He asked, concerned.

“No and no.” I grumbled, “The stupid thing is I do love him.  I love him so much it seems impossible. I spent so much of the time we had together terrified that I would lose him and then suddenly I did. The worst thing that could happen happened. I dreamed it, then I lived through it and now I don’t know what to do because none of it was real.”

“It was very real.” Navaari countered. “Do not ever think it wasn’t. You believed him to be dead and you grieved. You saw his corpse, you returned it to Csilla and you sat through the funeral. That is about as real as it can get. Nothing can undo what you experienced and you will carry this for your entire life and should anyone ever ask you about it, question it, you will be able to tell them this truthfully.

“But?” I asked because there had been a “but” at the end of Navaari’s words.

“But he is not dead.” He replied simply as if this explained every single mystery in the world.

“So what? Are you saying I shouldn’t be angry with him? But you were furious with him…you were…”

He held up his hand for peace and I complied. “I was and I still am. He treated you with great disrespect. He is your Ta’kasta’cariad, he knows you so he should have known better than that. He acted without taking into consideration your emotional attachment or the fact that your species is not as well schooled in suppressing deeply anchored feelings. I told him to wait, to allow you some time to get used to the idea first but he said it would not matter, either way you would probably feel the same. You would be angry and resentful and no amount of softening the blow would change this. Perhaps he was right. You can be incredibly stubborn when you set your mind to a thing.” He stopped to drink his tea and then continued, “My own feelings in this matter are irrational because my attachment to you is irrational and I would not be having this any other way. Simply put, he hurt you and that angered me. But I wonder how much deeper and irreparable your grief would be if he had not managed to plan this elaborate scheme and survive.”

I watched the contents of my cup for a really long time then said, “I don’t really know why he went to all that bother.” There was petulance in my words which made me sound surly and childish mostly because I knew Navaari had hit the mark dead on.

He made a noise of disbelief. “Pshh, of course you do, he loves you more than he ever wants to admit, he found a clever way to avoid death to be with you because he made you the promise that he would listen and honour your wishes for him to, how did you put it, take care of himself? He is not a man to break his word easily. I do not like how he dealt with you in his plans, his lack of empathy for your grief is astounding, but his reasoning was pure and simple. He had to choose which world he wished to be in. He had to decide what it was he was willing to give up and leave behind. In the end even if we are not liking his methods, he chose you over everything else. I know you would have eventually found a way to move beyond losing your mate but I am grateful you do not have to. Now you must find a way to forgive him his lack of communication skills with you in this matter and try to remember that he acted out of love as well as self preservation.”

When he put it like that I wasn’t sure why I was angry at Thrawn anymore but I wasn’t quite ready to forgive him yet either.

“How much further until we reach An’jast’a?” I asked after a long silence.

“A week, maybe two. Depends on the weather. Why are you tired of me?” He asked with a teasing grin.

I made a face. “No, but I really, really want a very long, hot bath.” While I was deeply grateful that the small hunting lodges we managed to find along the way had some semblance of warm water and showers nothing compared to soaking in a bathtub full of really hot bubbly water.

Navaari shook his head. “Too soft and spoiled you are.” He teased.

Maybe he was right but I didn’t care. “Well it’s good that you love me anyway.” I told him as I got up to go to bed, kissing him on the cheek before I turned in. “Thank you.”

“For what?” He asked in surprise.

“For everything but mostly for letting me be with you and listening.”

Navaari just nodded and smiled then shooed me off to bed as though I were a six year old. The next day we made a significant dent in the journey to the nearest enclave and somehow I felt lighter and more free than I had in a very long time.

We arrived at the enclave a week later just in time to celebrate the birth of An’jast’a grandchildren, twins, which was something of a rare occurrence among the Dantassi. It was cause for a great celebration so for a time I forgot about all my worries and small problems to celebrate new life. An’jast’a had come out early to help care for her daughter because the pregnancy had been a difficult one and everyone was very concerned for both the mother and the children. I was relieved to hear the birth had gone better than expected but the unexpected wash of memories it brought back made me melancholy. If anyone noticed they didn’t say anything and I hoped they would just put it down to me being an irrational human.

On the third day I was introduced to An’jast’a’s daughter E’mirji, her husband and their babies. For a moment I knew a terrible pang of sadness at the loss of my own child but I covered it up and it passed quickly so that when I was offered one of the twins to hold it was an honour I accepted happily. The tiny being seemed content cradled in my arms and I was more than willing to oblige him, rocking him gently humming some long forgotten lullaby. While I had no connection by family or birth to An’jast’a or her daughter I felt welcome just the same. Her bonding to Navaari had not given him any familial rights to her children or their children but the legalities of it all didn’t seem to matter. Family was family and love was love and for the first time since I had left Thrawn standing alone in Navaari’s kitchen I missed him. The ache of that emotion surprised me.

Oddly enough it was An’jast’a who ended up being the one I poured my heart out to. She found me late one night sitting in a quiet corner of the living room of the guest quarters we shared crying softly. I had always assumed that Thrawn would have told Navaari and An’jast’a about the miscarriage but that was not the case and when the words came tumbling out of my mouth in a messy jumble she just did what all mothers do, she held me and gave me comfort. 

Slowly, with just the right questions, she drew out the whole story of what had happened between Thrawn and myself from the time I learned I was pregnant until the moment I left the enclave with Navaari. From the look on her face, while Navaari might have explained some of it he had not told her everything and she was none too happy about how Thrawn had behaved. It felt good to talk about it with someone who wasn’t directly involved and when I was done talking she made tea and gave me some advice of her own which I listened to carefully and took to heart.

“I am sorry about your child.” She said after a lengthy silence had passed. “Had I know I would have been more careful….”

I stopped her quickly, “No, it’s fine, I’m fine really. I love seeing the twins, they’re beautiful. I am so grateful you let me be a part of all of this. You’ve all made me feel so welcome, so loved and such a part of the family that I can’t even begin to express how good that has been for me. She had a hard pregnancy but she made it through just fine and now she has two beautiful babies. It gives me hope which I suppose is silly but....” I shrugged not finishing my sentence because what I wanted to say seemed now beyond my reach.

“Hope is never silly, dear, and you have overcome far too much to give up on what it is you know you have.”

I looked at her in puzzled at first and then in wonder as the reality of it all hit me. I nodded that I got it, that I understood what she was trying to tell me without actually voicing it out loud. It all came down to a single action and for the first time ever I put it into words, “He cheated death to be with me.” I said quietly.

She smiled and nodded. “Yes, child, he did.”

And suddenly I knew who I wanted to be with and where I wanted to be and neither of those where here. 

We stayed for a month helping out where we could and I enjoyed the time I had with the babies as well as getting to know An’jast’a’s daughter but I grew restless and it did not go unnoticed.

One evening, while we were eating, An’jast’a told Navaari he had to take me home, “It’s time for you to go back and I’ll not be here for much longer now, E’mi is doing fine and soon enough I’ll be underfoot. Besides, she has many here who want to help out including her husband’s mother.” She looked at me. “You’re done with your ghosts now aren’t you?”

I nodded.

“Take her home before it’s too late.” She said to Navaari and with that the matter was closed. The next day we packed, said our goodbyes and headed back.

The return journey took a lot less time because we didn’t deviate from the straight line or stop as often on the way. It was early summer. Or what passed for summer on Hjal at any rate which meant long days and very short nights. Even though it was nearly midnight when we returned it was still mostly light. The sky had taken on that strange eerie half light quality of early summer colouring the world in dusky shadows. The snow was crunchy from thawing during the day’s warmth and then re freezing as the temperatures sank down to the freezing mark after the sun had sunk low in the sky. In a couple more weeks there were be no more snow on the low lying grounds and for a very short time much of the tundra around the enclave would be filled with all manner of wildflowers and vegetation. If we had waited any longer to return we would not have been able to use the sled and as it was we could only travel late in the evening when the temperature cooled the snow enough so it wasn’t too mushy. We were lucky and the weather held so that in just three weeks we crossed the threshold of the enclave and we were home.  We had been gone just over four months but it felt more like four years.

I helped Navaari clear the sled and get the wolves settled in their respective stalls in the large barn like building. They were shedding their winter coats which made them look scruffy since they scratched and great patches of fur fell away to reveal a soft, lighter summer coat. It would be my job to comb them so that most of the winter fur could be saved, spun and used for clothing. The wolves’ fur was surprisingly soft once it had been washed, carded and spun. Once I had housed and fed the wolves Navaari told me I could go and that he would see to the rest of the work. He knew I was dying to shower and find Thrawn not that I had said anything but he knew me well enough by now that words were not needed. It was a reunion I looked forward to but this feeling was mixed with great trepidation.

I made my way across the large quad to the main entrance and found myself oddly nervous. I knew it was quiet because it was so late but it felt deserted and strange to be back after so long under the open sky. I opened the door to Navaari’s flat and knew instantly no one else was there. There wasn’t anything unusual about that, Thrawn was a part of the enclave and summer was the time for many projects and meetings, repairs and new building. He was probably off somewhere helping out.

I stripped off my heavy gear and hung it up then went straight to the ‘fresher to strip out of the clothes I had been wearing for several days, wrinkling my nose in disgust at myself. Navaari was right I was soft but it made me smile. I rejoiced in the kiss of the hot water on my skin as I stood under the shower.  I felt as though I were washing away the past not just sweat and grime as I scrubbed my skin clean so hard it turned pink. I relished the process of turning myself from scruffy, unwashed tracker into a clean girl again but it took a while. I was deeply grateful that the enclave had an unlimited supply of hot water.

It was only when I had finished my shower and returned to my bedroom wrapped up in a large towel, did I realise that not only was Thrawn not at home but all traces of him were gone. The bedroom was clean and devoid of anything he had ever owned. For a moment I stood looking to see if he had left anything behind but there was nothing. I shouldn’t have been surprised after what I had said to him the day I had left with Navaari but I was. My heart sunk. Just for a second I shut my eyes tightly, squeezing away the unwanted tears that had suddenly found themselves there.

We had taken too long to return and I guessed he had decided that he had waited for me long enough. I couldn’t really blame him given the circumstances, after all I would not have wanted to stay with someone who had told me they no longer wanted me around, but it was still a shock. I wasn’t certain what was worse, the grief I had felt with the news of his death or the emptiness I felt now. We never seemed to catch a break. For a moment I let the reality sink in and then, because there was nothing else I could do, I picked out some clean clothes and got dressed. I had let him go and it was foolish of me to expect him to wait for me to find my way back even though part of me had hoped he would.

With a deep sigh I went to the kitchen and set the water to boil. Halfway through making tea I realised, to my annoyance, that I’d left my pack on the floor near the main kennels. So before Navaari could find it and give me a lecture on leaving my stuff lying around I slipped on a pair of shoes and headed back across the main quad to the barn to find my pack right where I had dumped it. I looked around for Navaari to let him know that the tea was brewing but he was already gone. Instead, to my surprise, I found that one of the young wolf pups had managed to escape the holding pen and was trying to dig his way into the feed store.

“You little bugger!” I told him off as I dropped my pack to pick him up. He struggled and wriggled, half snarling, half licking my face. I knew he wasn’t really a threat in spite all the growling because he was too small and he was wagging his tail. For a moment I forgot about everything as I cuddled the little animal, burying my face deep into his still soft puppy fur. I was so lost in thought I didn’t hear Kerrjan walk in to stand near me.

“Here you are.” He said causing me to nearly jump out of my skin, giving the puppy I held a big enough fright that he nipped at me with sharp teeth. “Huh, I see you’ve met our newest escape artist.” 

“He was trying to get into the food. He got out of his pen, I think.” I explained as I soothed the animal wriggling in my arms into more or less staying still for a few seconds.

“He’s a pest.” Kerrjan said tartly. “Always getting into things he shouldn’t. Can’t keep him locked up, he always finds a way to escape. Good that you found him when you did or he’d have wrecked havoc trying to get at the feed bin.”

I smiled and gave the pup in my arms a kiss. I felt a strangely powerful sense of kinship with the small animal in my arms but for the life of me I could never have explained why. “He’s adorable.” I said.

“Hrmph,” Kerrjan snorted studying me for a moment. “You are the first person I’ve seen that he allows to hold him like that. Usually he goes for anyone that comes near him with a surprising amount savagery for one so small. He was the runt of Gisch’s litter. He’s around seven weeks old now though he looks younger and he’s into everything. I didn’t think he’d make it because he was too small, too sickly when he was born but your Ta’kasta’cariad had a hand in keeping him alive. Turns out the pup survived against the odds and even thrived although he’s still under weight and too small for his age. It was suggested you might like to train him.”

“Oh?” I said careful not liking the way my heart skipped a beat at the mention of Thrawn.

“He felt, when you returned, that you might be needing something to keep you occupied. Now I see he was right. The whelp has taken to you.”

I sighed and put the puppy down where it sat strangely quiet at my feet as if to prove Kerrjan right. “Keep me occupied?” I asked.

“Looking after something has a way of taking a person’s mind off their troubles, I suppose, and this one will definitely keep you busy if you want to train him right.”

I frowned. “I thought you said we couldn’t make pets of the wolves, they are too wild.”

“Since when have you ever listened to anything anyone says about such matters?” Kerrjan retorted. “And even I am mistaken on occasion. It seems you won’t be getting rid of him any time soon. He’s been trained for indoors but he’s still young and he has quite the mind of his own, you’ll have to keep an eye on him.”

I was a little confused at the direction this surreal conversation had taken but the pup had laid his chin across my foot and stared up at me as if to say ‘you are mine so don’t even dare think about saying no’. “An’jast’a won’t be happy to have him in her house.” I remarked with a frown.

Kerrjan just gave me a look and shrugged. “Oh I don’t think she’ll be too concerned as other living arrangements have been made for you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked a little alarmed.

“I’m not the one to be putting this question to.” He replied, “He is.” And he gestured with his head to the figure standing silhouetted in the doorway.

“Wait, what?” I began but Kerrjan just flapped his hand impatiently at me.

“Turn the lights out when you leave and either take the whelp with you or make sure his kennel is well secured.  As I said he’s good at getting out.” He turned to go but paused and then said, “And for goodness sake keep the yelling down to a minimum and try not to kill each other, you have both put this enclave through more than enough nonsense as it is and to be perfectly honest about it we’ve all had enough drama from the pair of you to last us a life time.” And before I could even think to reply he was gone.







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Endings and Beginnings 10

In an ideal galaxy he would have led me to the bedroom and we would have reacquainted ourselves with each other’s bodies until we were too exhausted to do anything else. In an ideal galaxy I would have forgotten that I was grieving, full of unspeakable anger and sorrow in favour of the utter joy in finding him still alive and not dead. In an ideal galaxy none of this would ever have happened at all but if there was one thing I had learned in my life it was that I did not live in an ideal galaxy. 

It was incredibly and surprisingly difficult to adjust from grieving over Thrawn’s death to rejoicing in the fact that he was very much alive. His physical presence did nothing to help this along, if anything it angered me even more. He shared the same space, he breathed the same air, and he slept in the same bed as me but the distance between us had never been greater.

I felt awkward and uncomfortable around him, wondering how he could have planned such an elaborate ruse in such a way that I had not even thought to suspect that something was up, after all, once he pointed them out to me, all the signs had been there for me to see. I also wondered how he ever could have thought that I would take his sudden return to life all in stride and not be upset by everything that had happened. Perhaps because he had not been the one having to go through all the motions of grief he simply did not understand how deep my feelings in this matter were and I forgot that he was not human. I forgot that he came from a culture that eschewed emotions for logic and rational thought. I was not rational about any of this and I really didn’t understand how he could be.

It felt peculiar to watch him drink ‘caf or eat lunch knowing at the same time that not so long ago I had sat leaning against the cold stasis box talking to what I had thought was his corpse. My anguish was still very real and very raw. When I hoped no one was around I cried a lot, still feeling that gaping maw of loss and not even his physical presence in my world could ease it. While he slept I would lie awake listening to him breathe, watching his chest rise and fall terrified that he would vanish at any given moment. I knew this was stupid behaviour but I could not help it. Wounded, heart sick and resentful I shied away from him.

During the day, as much as I could, I avoided him because I was irrationally angry at him and when that wasn’t possible we tried to act as though everything was normal but it wasn’t it was awkward and strange. I no longer knew where I fit in his world and I wouldn’t let him touch me. The tension between us pulsed and grew making everyone around us uncomfortable. Eventually I took to hiding from him as much as possible, losing myself in small mundane jobs around the enclave and pretending to be asleep when he would join me in bed.

I spent a lot of time with Navaari who seemed almost terrified to let me out of his sight. When he decided that the sled gear, harnesses and tack all needed to be cleaned and mended thoroughly I was happy for the job which gave me something to do with my hands. I spent time with his sled-wolves, brushing out their winter coats, collecting the wool and generally hanging out with them and was grateful for their uncomplicated company.

As was the way of things eventually news of what had taken place made its way through the enclave and the fall out was even greater. Most of the people who knew me well felt much like Navaari, they were angry at how things had taken place but there wasn’t much they could do. Everyone had an opinion about it which, whether or not I wanted to hear, they shared with me anyway. I was glad to have a place to hide from the prying questions and the strangely annoying sympathy.

Not many people spent a great deal of time with the sled wolves, they were working animals not pets as Navaari’s friend Kerrjan was fond of telling me but that didn’t stop me from spending time with the animals or finding comfort in their uncomplicated company. I had grown up with wild creatures almost on my doorstep and had gotten used to my uncle’s jaxes and their ways of showing affection for food.

“You be careful!” Kerrjan admonished one day when he found me sitting with one of the pregnant wolves grooming her carefully. “She’s like to bite them as get too close.”

I just shrugged. The wolves seemed to like me, there was a strange kind of trust and while I wasn’t quite sure where it came from I was happy to accept the fact that they neither snapped nor snarled at me when I was with them. I wondered sometimes if my connection to the force had something to do with this.

“I’ve experienced worse.” I told him wearily and we both knew what I meant. If he had anything to say about the whole Za’ar come back from the dead thing he kept it, thankfully, to himself but it did not escape my notice that he, too, kept a watchful eye on me especially when the weather was bad.

“All of the whelps from this season are spoken for.” He said unexpectedly.

I looked up at Kerrjan in surprise. “What made you think I was wanting a pup?”

“Might be good for you start learning how to train one, for when you are wanting to run your own sled.”

It had not occurred to me that I would be staying on Hjal long enough to earn or train my own team of sled wolves. “I don’t think that will ever happen.” I said. “I don’t plan on being here forever.”

“Is this not your home now?” Kerrjan asked, clearly surprised by my answer.

“I don’t know where my home is any more.” I answered with a shrug.

 “Is not your mate here?”

I just shrugged again causing him to look at me carefully, speculatively. What could I say to that?

“As you wish.” He had eventually said in his usual taciturn way. “But be careful around the bitches they get snappy when they are pregnant.”

I nodded that I heard him and then ignored his warning completely. Being with the wolves gave me a sort of peace I could not find anywhere else in the enclave.

If Thrawn was hurt by my avoidance he never said anything about it. I had the impression he was giving me space to find my own way back, much as he had tried to do on Nirauan after the miscarriage. He hadn’t really learned from that mistake or maybe he just didn’t know how to make amends. Perhaps he felt that it was enough he had found a way around the terrible visions of his death which had plagued me for so long. In the end it didn’t matter. What was done was done and I could no more undo the damage than I could bring back Lord Vader and so the gulf between us widened.

What surprised me more was that Navaari wouldn’t even speak to him unless he had to and then when they did talk it was usually in hushed angry voices which didn’t help matters at all. I was glad An’jast’a was not around because the current state of affairs in the flat was uncomfortable at best and downright unpleasant at worst and as we were both guests in her home she would have not taken too kindly to the terrible atmosphere we were creating. Eleven days after returning to Hjal, sometime in the early hours of the dawn things came to a head.

I woke up with a gasp disoriented and half caught in a dream, or at least what I thought was a dream until the man who lay in the bed beside me stirred but did not wake. I stared at Thrawn, sitting for a long time hugging my knees to my chest, looking at him but seeing, superimposed over his sleeping face, the face of the version of him I had seen dead. I could not shake this image from my mind and the grief I had lived with for the past weeks came flooding back like a slap.  I got out of bed and made my way to the kitchen to put the kettle on. I wasn’t sure how to proceed with my life as it currently was but I knew how to make tea and the familiarity of this action was soothing.

I poured a large cup and then slipped on my heavy coat and fur lined boots to head out to the south door to my swinging bench, a special place that Kerrjan had made just for me. I brushed off the snow and sat down, cradling my heavy pottery mug in my bare hands for warmth. It was still mostly dark out but dawn was not far off. The storm that had ravaged the enclave on my arrival had long tired itself out and left perfect stillness in its wake.

The tea sent wisps of white steam dancing in lazy swirly into the bitterly cold air but it was still too hot to drink. With the tips of my boots I swung the heavy wooden bench back and forth trying to make sense out of my world but it was just too much like hard work. I was exhausted from all of it.  Adjusting to the fact that Thrawn was alive and not dead was far more difficult than I could have ever imagined and I didn’t understand why. The fury I had first felt upon seeing him had gone into hiding and what had replaced it was still to be determined. At the moment I was in a strange sort of limbo and I didn’t know how to move forward.

When I heard the door open behind me I smiled and brushed off the rest of the snow from the bench to make space for Navaari. The wood creaked as he sat down and pulled out his pipe, tapped it against the side of the bench to knock out the ashes and then set about filling it with fresh tobacco. When he lit it the air filled with the sweetness of the smoke. It was a comforting scent.

“You should be asleep.” He said mildly.

“So should you.” I replied sipping my tea slowly.

“It seems I have grown accustomed to An’jast’a at my side and her absence leaves me restless. What is your excuse?”

I gave him a sad little smile. “I just can’t sleep. When I sleep I dream and in my dreams I still see Za’ar dead. I know he’s alive but in my head I still see him in that horrible cold stasis box. Now I’m so scared that if I do fall asleep I will wake up and he really will still be dead, that all of this is not real. I am so angry at what he did that I can’t be happy he’s alive. I’m terrified to breathe. I can’t go through that again, I can’t and I’m so scared that I will never be able to get past this moment in time. I don’t know how to live with him anymore.” I said looking up at Navaari, “I love him so very much and I should be deliriously happy that he’s alive, that he found a way to cheat his death but I’m not and I don’t know why.”

“Oh that’s not so difficult to unravel.” Navaari replied taking a long draw from his pipe.

I raised my eyebrows at him.

“Little pup, he kept you in the dark about his plans, he lied to you about what he was doing and he put you through one of the worst possible traumas that a person can go through by making you experience his death, carry his body to his home world and sit though his memorial service. You mourned his loss as though it were real because for you it was real. It has torn you apart; I see it every time I look at you. He made you an unwilling accomplice to what has to be one of the greatest deceptions your galaxy has ever known placing a burden on your shoulders which no one should have to carry especially not a bond-mate. No wonder you do not know what to think or feel. Your grief is very real and your body remembers this even if logically you are knowing it is no longer true. You, especially you,  cannot switch off these emotions easily; it will be taking a lot of time for you to come to terms with all that has happened and perhaps even longer to forgive him and heal. ”

I shrugged. I didn’t think I would ever be able to forgive him or heal. “What am I supposed to do?”

Navaari, who knew me just too well, gave me a speculative look and took another draw on his pipe sending sweet scented smoke into the air with his exhale. “Well, I have some thoughts on that if you would like to be hearing them.”

“I’m all ears.” I said making a face.

“Come tracking with me. You still have much to learn and I think it will be doing do you good to get away, be putting some distance between you and your mate. You will have time to think and come to terms with all that has occurred and perhaps even learn to forgive him.” He replied. 

I stared at my tea for a moment and then nodded. I wasn't  so sure about the forgiving part but the getting away part sounded just fine. “Okay.”

He raised his eyebrows in mild surprise. “Okay?”

“Yes, I will go with you or were you expecting me to argue?”

He chuckled. “I was but only because you always argue with me but good that you do not, you would lose in this case anyway. You cannot be staying here with things the way they are, all this tension and anger, one of you will break irreversibly and I am worried that it will be you.”

“I am already broken Navaari.” I told him with a slight shrug.

He took a very deep breath and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulling me close to him, holding me tightly. “Not yet little pup, not yet but this impasse you are both at will eventually shatter and I fear that he will not be the one to pick up the pieces. You believed you had lost him forever and he is a part of who you are. You have been living in a place where he is neither alive nor dead, the in between with ghosts you cannot let go of but you cannot stay there forever and you know this. Right now you hate him just enough that given the slightest push it will darken your spirit forever. I would not see that happen to you, after all that you have been through, I would save you from that. I would not see you become bitter and angry, broken and forever tainted by a love that was lost then found only to be lost again because neither of you know how to move beyond this moment.”

“You sound like Ma’kehla.” I grumbled.

Navaari just smiled. “I am much older than you I have learned a few things in my days. Ma’kehla is not the only one who understands the ways of the heart. I have already lost one child I don’t aim to lose another.”

“I’m not your child Navaari.” I sighed.

He shrugged and made a dismissive sound. “Perhaps not by blood but in here you are.” He tapped his chest, above his heart. “Love is love Kycsi’i; do not underestimate my love for you just because we are unrelated by genetics.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” I said with a small smile. “You know I love you too, right?” I added because it somehow needed to be said.

“I do but it’s nice to be hearing it now and again.”  

I just nodded and drank my tea and when my cup was empty I rested my head on Navaari’s shoulder to enjoy the silence and his presence for a while.

“How soon can we leave?” I asked eventually.

“As soon as you are packed and ready to go.” He said.

I sighed and then got up. “Okay then, I will be ready in an hour.” And before he could say anything I had vanished inside.

I had learned from my time with Navaari that one did not need much on a tracking and hunting trip. There wasn’t much room on the sled for extras and packing light was a must. As I hurried about the bedroom, quietly gathering my things Thrawn woke. He watched me silently but I didn’t explain what I was doing and he didn’t ask. It was pretty obvious anyway.

Once I had packed what I would need I left to shower, while there were a few lodges along the ways Navaari hunted they were far and few between. Such creature comforts as hot showers were not something that occurred daily while on a long trek.

When I was done I could hear Navaari and Thrawn arguing loudly in the kitchen with hard, angry voices. I knew it was about me but I didn’t really care. I slipped quietly into the bedroom and got dressed, grabbed my pack and made my way to the kitchen but stopped short of entering to listen.

I heard Thrawn sigh. “I do not need another lecture Kirja’navaar’inkjerii.”

Navaari snorted. “You think I am wanting to lecture you? We are so far beyond that.”

“You do have that look on your face.” Thrawn replied airily.

“Do I indeed? There are no words for what you have done and I am so angry with you that I am unable to voice my feelings on this matter, not that you are caring about this anyway. You do what you will and the emotional well being of others does not enter into it. I understand this but she does not so it is not me you must make your peace with.”

I shivered at the underlying fury in Navaari’s voice. It was like listening to a disappointed father berate his son and I had never heard anyone speak to Thrawn this way before.

“She will get over this and come around to see that I had the right of it.” I heard Thrawn say softly.

Navaari snorted. “If you believe that then you are as stupid as you are insensitive.”

“And you are being insulting.” Thrawn said with a touch of annoyance finally lacing his words.

“There will be no debate on this. The decision has already been made. She is….”

“You do not have the right to....”

I took a deep breath and walked into the kitchen. Both men stopped mid sentences and looked at me, one with love and compassion the other with more questions than answers.

I hoisted my pack over my shoulder, “I’m ready. Let’s go.” I said to Navaari.

“Merlyn...” Thrawn began but Navaari cut him off.

“You have no say in this matter Nikätza’arth’pavjäska. She is my adopted kin and this is my house. I have the last word here not you and she has made her decision.”

I watched them both with wary eyes. I had never seen things so tense between them.

Thrawn’s jaw tightened in anger as he spoke, “She is my mate so I think ...”

“Do I have a say in this?” I asked interrupting before it got out of hand. “Or do you two just want to fight over me like sled-wolves over a bone all day?”

Navaari took a deep breath, clenching his jaw to bite down on his anger and Thrawn just folded his arms across his chest. I took both gestures as a yes.

“I’m going hunting with Navaari. I need to time to think about everything and I can’t do that here in this flat. This is not my home it belongs to Navaari and An’jast’a so Thra... I mean Za’ar do us all a favour and stop acting like you own the place, you don’t. You are a guest here just like me.”  I watched as a myriad of expressions flashed across his face not the least of which was shock at the bluntness of my words.

For a moment I thought he would argue with me but he stayed very still and waited so I continued. “Navaari is right you know, it is his house and even though you named me and brought me into the Dantassi world, this is his enclave, his home and under the Dantassi rules we both swore to abide by I am his family. You don’t have a say in what I do.” As I spoke I felt a strange sense of coming into my own. “Especially now.”

“Merlyn you cannot ...” Thrawn began but I stopped him from speaking with a sharp flick of my hand.

“Shut up!” I told him firmly, “Just shut up.” I took a deep breath to try and quell the sudden anger and hurt that had flared up in my gut then to make sure he really understood what I was about to tell him I stared him straight in the eyes.

“I love you, I love you more than anything in the galaxy but right now I can’t look at you or bear to be in the same room as you. No one should have to experience what I did and I don’t care if you thought I would handle it better than I am. I also don’t give a wamprat’s ass what your reasoning behind it all was. You put me through hell. I believed you had died and that I had lost you forever but it was all just a huge lie. I’m still trying to come to terms with Grand Admiral Thrawn’s death never mind the complication of his sudden rebirth with a different name. Maybe it’s easy for you to switch like that but I am having a really hard time so no, you don’t get to say a word to me about what I can and cannot do right now or about what you think is best for me or any other life shattering decisions you feel you need to make on my behalf.” I could feel tears well up in my eyes and I sighed, trying to fight  off the unwanted emotions that washed over me,  “You have so much to answer for that I don’t even know where to begin and do not get me started about what happened on Csilla. When you refused to allow me to bond with you in any official capacity you gave me the right to choose what I wished to do with my life so now I am exercising that right and you have to respect it.”

He drew a deep breath and let it out slowly. His face told me he did not like this sudden turn of events, it was not going according to his plans but I really didn’t care as I waited for him to answer me.

“If this is what you wish then I will abide by it but I don’t think that running away from your emotions will solve the issues at hand.” He replied carefully and the uncertainty he now felt was so strong I could taste it. He had really believed that I would just accept his miraculous return to life without blinking an eye. I shook my head in disgust. Sometimes men, no matter what species, were incredibly stupid.

“Really?  I said shaking my head. “Well maybe it isn’t, but it’s my choice to make. You cannot stop me and you cannot protect me by lying to me to cover up the truth.”

“I am bound to you, protecting you is my duty.” He replied as if that somehow explained it all.

I stared at him for a long moment and suddenly tired of those words, tired of this argument, tired of everything I said, “Then I release you from your bond and you no longer have to bother with my protection anymore!”

I heard Navaari suck in a breath but he didn’t say anything.

Surprise and hurt flashed briefly across Thrawn’s face and he took a step towards me, “Tekari, please you need to rethink wha...” he started to say something but I cut him off.

“We’re done.” I shook my head. “If you are still here when I return then perhaps we can begin again but I can’t do this, or live here as we are right now. I can’t bear to be with you. I am still walking with your ghost every day and yet you live. How am I supposed to deal with that? How?” I brushed angry tears from my face, “You are free to do what you want. I release you from the promise you made to me because the man who made that promise is dead. I carried his body to Csilla and I sat through his memorial service. Perhaps he was just a clone but I believed he was someone I loved and trusted. I don’t know who you are anymore but I know you are dead to me.”

My words left perfect stillness in their wake and when no one spoke to break the awful spell I turned to Navaari and nodded. “Whenever you are ready, I’ll be with the wolves getting the sled and the gear.” And with that I spun around and left them to finish whatever remained of their angry discussion.








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