The delicate Lie 10

The mood on the base had shifted slightly with the news that Thrawn had not been able to grab all the ships he had hoped from the raid at the Sluis Van yards. Suddenly the reality of what the Grand Admiral was attempting to do and just how hard it would be had begun to sink in. According to Parck Thrawn had managed to sneak up and was in the process of taking all the rebels ships but rather than let Thrawn take the ships from them the rebels had used the fact that Thrawn had forgotten to jam the signals of mole miners and turned the machines on the ships to destroy them. When I had heard this news I was astonished at what had taken place.

“They’re desperate.” Voss had said when he had given me the details. “As you can imagine, Thrawn wasn’t overly happy with the outcome. They did manage to procure some ships but not nearly as many as they had hoped.”

I had just shaken my head. The New Republic’s victory was empty since they had to destroy the ships to win but it hadn’t made me or anyone else feel any better about what had happened.

“So what next?” I had asked.

Voss had shaken his head, “I don’t know. Thrawn did not go into details about his plans and I did not ask.”

I had nodded and that had been that.

Later I learned that instead of returning to the base for supplies and briefings Thrawn had chosen to take the ships he had managed to obtain to a secret location and then go back to Wayland to check on the progress of the clones being created there. All Voss could tell me Thrawn had other ideas and they did not involve returning to Nirauan for the next little while.

In a way I was relieved to hear this because I was pretty sure if he were to see me in my current state he’d know instantly something wasn’t right and badger me about it. The morning sickness was proving to be an issue and there wasn’t much the doctor could really do about it except prescribe herbal remedies and teas which helped a little but not enough. The very fact that I couldn’t go near stim’caf alone would have set off Thrawn’s curiosity alarm bells.

I had told Park that I had come down with a particularly bad version of the Corellian Flu which had a long recovery time and he accepted this without question. It meant no one would think it strange that I rested a great deal or that instead of working in the pit instead I spent a lot of my time reading in the quiet of my quarters, not that I figured anyone would really care anyway, but it was always good to have an excuse. With Thrawn’s campaign so far underway things at the base were fairly busy and I was a minor blip on the radar as far as most of the people were concerned.

I was not surprised when Voss came to me shortly after the news about the Sluis Van raid to tell me that the few Chiss who had been learning basic had told him they no longer had the time to study and felt they had come sufficiently far enough to more than get by. I had to agree with this assessment of their skills and in the end I didn’t mind the break. I was exhausted almost all the time which surprised me but apparently was normal according to what the doc said.

“Your body is a little busy at the moment.” He said when I complained about it during a check up. “I don’t, for a second, imagine that growing another being is easy and neither should you.”

When I made a face he had just laughed. “My dear you had better get used to your body and your time no longer being your own.” He admonished.

It was a daunting thing, this little life that was slowly but surely growing inside of me, but it was also infuriating. While I still could not sense or feel it I was well aware of its presence due to the morning sickness that seemed to happen at the most inopportune times. The almost constant nausea was driving me crazy.

“I do not know what to say, Merlyn, usually I can address this problem with standard medications but in your case there’s not much we can do. The herbs are not helping and the antic emetic drugs are too risky and unfortunately I cannot think of anything else that might work for you.” He said. “I will do some more research and see if I can find anything to help because you are supposed to be gaining weight not losing it.”

I patted my abdomen feeling the ever so slight roundness that I was pretty sure wasn’t fat. “This little alien is not making my life easy. Just like his father.”

“His?”

“Feels like a him.” I smiled. “It’s always males making my life hard.”

Doctor Thracer gave me a look full of worry. “I realise that I am preaching to deaf ears but do not get too attached to this pregnancy you are not out of the woods yet, not by a long shot.”

I made a face. “I know, I try but it’s difficult.”

“I understand that but I am concerned.”

“You said everything was ok.”

He sighed. “You are in no immediate danger and as far as I, and all this equipment, can tell you are stable but the fact that you are so sick so much of the time worries me a great deal. You have to eat and you really have to gain some weight.”

“You want me to get fat?” I grinned.

He shook his head with a smile. “You are a slender woman Merlyn. You were tiny when I first met you and you’re still tiny. If it were not for the fact that I’ve actually seen you tuck away more food than a grown man on occasion I’d think there was something wrong. I do not think that getting fat is one of the things you need to worry about. I am quite sure that the admiral will adore you no matter what, after all he’s stuck with you in spite of all your crazy antics. I only need to see the way he looks at you to know that he won’t care about a bit of extra weight as long as you are healthy and well and I dare say he’d welcome that to finding you skinnier than a skeleton.”

“Funny ha ha.” I retorted, getting off the exam bed.

He regarded me for a moment. “You don’t have any abdominal pains, especially sharp ones or any spotting, do you?”

I shook my head. “No, just nausea, vomiting and a lot of really, really bad dreams which I guess would explain why I am so tired all the time.”

“Well the same advice still follows no heavy lifting, no stress and your mission is to find food you can keep down and to drink more fluids.” Doctor Thracer said flapping his hand at me in a shooing motion. “Now, I have patients to see to and you seem to be healthy so go away and stop worrying.”

I nodded and then because there was nothing else I left to find something useful to do.


*** *** ***


As I washed my face and stared at my reflection in the mirror I could understand why Doctor Thracer was so concerned. I looked gaunt and there were terrible dark circles under my eyes. I had hoped that the soup I had eaten would stay put but it hadn’t and I was getting really fed up of this. It was late and this was wearing me down and even I was starting to worry about the baby, about myself. I was tired. I was tired of being sick and even more tired of the terrible dreams which had me waking up screaming in terror. I was scared and feeling very sorry for myself. I probably would have spent more time feeling that way had the chimes to the door not suddenly rung making me jump in fright. I made sure I didn’t look quite as scary as I felt and went to answer the door.

“Syal!” I said surprised to see her.

“Hullo Merly, can I come in?”

I stepped back to let her past. “Are the boys okay?”

“Oh they’re fine.” She said with a smile, making her way to the small kitchenette. “I thought we’d have some tea and a chat. It’s been a while since you and I just had a girl’s evening. I had K’arla’sh baby sit so we could spend some time together.” She replied as she put water in the kettle.

I smiled and pulled the tea pot and two cups out of the cupboard then reached for the tea but was stopped by the touch of Syal’s hand.

“Try this tea instead.” She said gently, “it’s one of my favourites.”

We waited in comfortable silence for the water to boil and then with the pot full I placed everything on a tray and which she picked up before I could and we made our way to the living room. We sat and she gazed at me for a very long moment and then she said, “So why did you not tell me you were pregnant Merly?”

For a moment I forgot how to breathe then I shook my head. “How did you….?”

“I’ve been pregnant enough times to just know.” She said as she poured tea and then handed me a cup. “This will help with the morning sickness, or in your case the all the time sickness.”

I sniffed the tea suspiciously. “What is this?”

“It’s an extract from a root the Zabraki use in their cooking. They call it zjenzär and it’s what makes Zabraki food so spicy.”

I took a sip and smiled. The taste was familiar to me. I loved Zabraki food. “This really helps?”

She nodded, “I am allergic to most anti emetic drugs and this was suggested to me when everything else failed. My first pregnancy was pretty rough. When medicine couldn’t help me I went to see a herbalist and this was what she suggested. I was sceptical but it helped.”

"Then why the hell hasn't Doctor Thracer suggested it?"

"It's used in cooking as a spice," she said with a shrug, "that it helps against nausea isn't something most people seem to know about."

“Does everyone know?”

“Know what?” She asked, “Know that you’re with child? No I doubt it. The flu has been going around the base so you not looking so well isn’t so weird but usually people get over a flu after a couple of weeks and you don’t seem to be getting any better. Eventually folks will be wondering about that so I thought you might like some help. Have you gotten word to Thrawn about it?”

I shook my head. “It’s too early.”

Syal frowned.

“Doctor Thracer, he thinks well, he wants me to be cautious.” I sighed. “He keeps warning me about the dangers of cross species mating and the terrible outcomes.”

She nodded. “He’s worried you cannot carry to term.”

“I don’t want to tell Thrawn until I’m sure and while he’s away it seems selfish to give him yet another thing to worry about.”

“I doubt he will see it that way.” Syal said. “I get why you think it is a good idea but I think you are wrong. It’s his baby as well and even though he is a passive observer he is a part of it, he should know the whole journey not just the last few months. I didn’t even know you were trying.”

“We weren’t.” I said with a shrug.

She raised her eyebrows at me so I told her what had happened and when I was done she took a deep breath. “That’s not at all like him.”

“I know but it doesn’t matter anyway because what’s done is done.” I said absently stroking my abdomen. “Unplanned doesn’t mean unwanted.” I said with a smile.

She nodded, “But still that’s not like him, not at all.”

“I don’t really know, it’s been ages since we’ve actually spoken.”

“Still has he ever kept anything important from you before?”

I thought about it for a moment and then shook my head. “Not that I can ever remember. He’s never kept anything from me that would impact me in that way.” I said slowly. “I mean he won’t talk about his work much, in fact he flat out refuses to discuss it most of the time so I really don’t know anything that goes on in that area, but if it was something to do with me, to do with us, as far as I know he’s never lied and he’s always been upfront about things. It’s one of the things I love about him. I always knew where I stood with him but lately…I don’t know especially after this.”

“What do you think it means then?”

I shook my head, “I don’t know.”

She was silent for a moment, “You have to tell him about the baby. Men don’t like it when women keep such secrets from them, you have to tell him.”

I smiled sadly. “A very good friend of mine once told me the exact same thing.”

“And was she right?”

“More than she will ever know.” I said quietly thinking of Cati.

Syal gave me a puzzled look so in order to change the subject I told her the whole story about having to accompany Grand Admiral Zaarin to one of the Emperor’s Grand Balls. By the time I was finished with the story she was in tears from laughing so hard.

“Zaarin must have been so mad at you.” She said between breaths.

“You have no idea.” I said, “In fact he was so pissed that he tried to rape me a year or so later.”

“What!” She very nearly spilled the tea from her cup.

I nodded and told her that story too.

“You’re unbelievable, Merly.” She said with a grin. “You look so… I don’t know…harmless.”

I grinned. “I know but I grew up on a docking bay in Mos Eisley, trust me I had to learn the hard way how to defend myself. One of the mechanics at the bay showed me how.” I said, surprised at the pang of sadness I felt at the thought of Jyrki. “Seems like forever ago though and I never imagined for one moment I would be living at the other end of the galaxy, in love with a man who is not even human and pregnant with his child.”

“Do you regret it?”

“Not a bit.” I replied and I almost meant it, if Syal spotted the lie she let it slide.

“So any word on when Thrawn will return to the base?” She asked after a moment’s quiet.

I shook my head. “No. Last I heard he was returning to Myrkr for a sweep and clear.”

“So it could be a while before he returns?”

“Your guess is as good as mine Syal.” I replied, “But I hope it’s soon.”

“Yeah I understand. It’s so hard when they are away.”

“Usually I can deal with it but this… pregnancy… changed all that.”

“It always does.” She nodded, “It always, always does.”

We both sat back against the couch with a sigh. And for the very first time I understood what my Uncle had meant when he had said that choosing to be with being with an Imperial lifer was my heartache. I was so grateful to have a friend like Syal who understood exactly what it was like.

The delicate Lie 9

I sat with one hand gripping the edge of Voss Park’s desk and with my other I held my hair back from my face. I felt like bantha poodoo, not to mention deeply embarrassed. “I am so sorry about that.” I mumbled.

“Merlyn maybe you should go pay the doctor a visit.” Voss’s concern would have been almost funny if it weren’t for the fact that I had just suddenly and violently thrown up in the waste basket by his desk. “There’s been a bad case of Corellian flu going around and I hate to say this but you really don’t look so well.”

I nodded and took the tissue he handed me to wipe my mouth. “You’re right, I don’t feel so great.” The truth was I hadn’t been feeling so great for a while but had just put it down to lack of sleep.

He grinned and made a motion with his fingers that I had missed a spot. “Regular rest and some food would help that you know. You push yourself too hard. I heard you spent nearly fifteen hours straight in the pit fixing ships the other day. You know that is against regulations.” He poured a glass of water and handed it to me.

“I hate seeing broken ships lying around. We need all the working ships we can get.” I shrugged, sipping the water slowly. “I can’t sleep, I can’t settle so I make myself useful.”

“I am quite sure that when the Admiral said you should do something productive to keep busy until the Virulent returns from what ever mission Admiral Larsen has it on he didn’t mean kill yourself by working over time in the flight deck pit.” He said with a sigh, “Even the chief of ops came to me worried about the time you’ve been spending there. Half the crew are sick with this virus so it’s no wonder you are too. Don’t make me pull rank and forbid you to go down to the hanger.”

I gave him a weak smile. “You’re right, I just wish….” I stopped myself from saying what I really felt out loud, Voss knew it anyway, “I suppose just buggering off to Hjal would also not be a good idea.” I said with a sigh. I had been toying with the notion of going to spend some time with Navaari but never quite made up my mind about it.

“Oh I am certain Thrawn would not mind you going to Hjal but please don’t just leave without telling me, the paperwork is a bugger.” He teased. “Really, Merly, go see Doc Thracer and for goodness sake get some rest and maybe eat something, you look like something out of one of those awful holo-horror dramas Fel likes to read .”

“You know you can be really bossy some days.”

“Just because I care.” He shot back with a grin.

“Thanks.” I got up a little shakily. I had been feeling queasy for a week or so on and off but usually it went away after a while. The throwing up was a fairly recent event and given that someone on the base had contracted the Corellian flu which had spread rapidly, my being unwell was not a surprise. What had surprised me this time was that it had been the smell of the stim’caf Voss had poured me which had made me so sick.

“I swear as soon as I hear anything from him I will come and find you myself.” He added looking at me with genuine concern. “But really if Thrawn comes home to find you dead or in a coma or something from this flu it will be ugly.”

I nodded again, mumbled another embarrassed apology for being sick and made my way to the medlab where Doctor Thracer didn’t seem all that shocked to see me. “I’ll be right with you dear. This Corellian flu outbreak is creating a lot of paperwork. Go wait in exam room two.”

He came into the small room just as I was throwing up again. “Oh, that’s not very good. Let’s see what’s going on shall we.” He said as he shut the door.

I stood quietly by the bed as Doctor Thracer fussed. He asked questions, took my temperature and then waved the small hand scanner up and down my body. There was a moment where he just looked at me with an expression I could not decipher and then he tucked the scanner away.

“So?” I asked. “What’s wrong with me this time? Did I manage to catch this wretched flu?”

“Nothing is wrong with you. You are in perfect health.” He said with a smile.

“Well I don’t feel healthy.” I snapped. “I feel sick and tired and just plain out of sorts.”

He nodded. “Yes, that’s perfectly normal for a woman in your condition.”

“My condition? I thought you just said I wasn’t sick.” I said, confused.

He looked at me in surprise. “Merlyn, you’re not sick, you’re pregnant.”

The shock of his words drained the blood from my face and for a moment the world around me spun out of control. I felt his hands catch me and the next thing I knew I was lying down on the bed trying to recall how to breathe.

He handed me a glass of water. “You really didn’t know or suspect?” He asked with surprise.

I sat up slowly and shook my head. “How is this possible? How did this happen?” I asked him.

He frowned for just a moment, deciding if the question was a serious one or not then after taking a good look at my face decided I wasn’t messing with him. “You are sexually active are you not?” He asked carefully.

I nodded. “Yes but….”

“And you don’t take anything to prevent pregnancy from happening do you?”

“No.” I said crossly. “But Thrawn does.”

Doctor Thracer shook his head ever so slightly and sighed. “He didn’t tell you.” He murmured.

“Tell me what?”

“The Admiral stopped taking Evexelhan.” He said naming the drug which enabled men to have sex without producing viable sperm thus preventing unwanted pregnancies. The drug had become very popular for members of the Imperial navy who did not want to suddenly find themselves landed with a baby and a wife after one night of shore leave. Thrawn had told me a very long time ago when the topic of babies had been brought up one evening that he had taken care to prevent this possibility. It would have been a very bad thing to get pregnant during Palpatine’s reign.

I looked at him, stunned. “When was this?”

“Shortly after he returned from his exploration of Mount Tantiss.” Doctor Thracer frowned because really he was giving me information that was, in theory, private between him and Thrawn. “He said the drug had started to give him headaches, which is one of the known long term use side effects.”

“That was ages ago.” I protested, “He should have told me.” And I wondered why he didn’t. That was very unlike Thrawn, he usually took care to avoid any unseemly complications of any sort and babies would be considered a major complication, at least in my book at any rate.

The doctor frowned and fiddled with the scanner in his hand. “The chances of you conceiving a child with him were, as far as statistics go, incredibly slim, next to impossible actually, and you are not together that often perhaps he felt the risk was minimal or maybe he really just forgot. He’s had a lot on his plate lately.”

I stared at the doctor angrily. “Yet here I am, minimal risk aside, pregnant.” My mind reeled as I spoke that word out loud. “He should have said something. I am certain he had no intention of any sort of family plans, this is not something he wanted especially now.”

For a terrible long moment an unhappy silence weighted the air down.

“I can advise you on your options.” He said quietly after watching my face carefully.

“Options?” I asked a little confused then I realised what he was not saying. I narrowed my eyes at him. “You mean like terminating the pregnancy?”

He nodded carefully keeping his expression neutral.

I shook my head. “No way. That is not an option I even want to hear about.” I said angrily, unconsciously clutching my abdomen, suddenly fiercely protective over this little life I had thought was lack of sleep, bad dreams and stomach flu.

“Merlyn, apart from the pregnancy is everything alright? Between the two of you is everything alright? You don’t seem happy about this.”

“Don’t seem happy? You just told me the impossible has happened.” I couldn’t stop the tears that welled up in my eyes. “I’m too shocked to know what to feel.” Which was the truth.

“The shock will wear off. How will you feel about it after the news has had time to sink in?”

I thought about it for a moment and then gave him a little smile. “It’s clichéd and silly and probably the most girly thing I will ever say in my entire life, Da’han help me, but I want this.” I said. “We’ve talked about it, you know, on and off through the years we’ve been together but always the time just wasn’t right and then when you told me that it would be damned near impossible I had given up the idea but …this child is nothing short of a wonder.” I whispered the words carefully. “I think apart from the shock I’m well…pleased, I guess… I think.”

“You’re very good at hiding your joy well.” Doctor Thracer said wryly.

I made a face at him. “Well, this could not have happened at a worse time. Thrawn’s in the middle of a war that will last for who knows how long. The last thing he will need or want to hear is that he’s going to be a father.” I didn’t even want to imagine that conversation.

He nodded without comment but his expression said he wasn’t buying my explanation.

“How far along am I? Can you tell?”

He looked at the scanner’s data. “Approximately forty two days, give or take, so nearly nine weeks going by Coruscant standard time.” Nirauan’s days were longer and instead of five day weeks, here they stretched out over into seven days per week. We tried to keep to Coruscant standard time when ever possible but it wasn’t always easy to do given the planet’s time and rotation differences.

I did some mental math and nodded. “His last time on the base.” I said with a sudden flashback to that particularly memorable evening. Just the thought made me blush but the doctor tactfully ignored this.

“When you missed your period did you not wonder?”

I shook my head. “I was never regular, I’ve told you that, especially with all of the sport and exercise I do and lately it’s been even more irregular than ever. I just put it down to stress, general bad eating habits and lack of sleep.” I sighed. “I didn’t think anything was wrong until I started throwing up at the drop of a hat and then I just assumed it was this stupid flu that’s been going around.” I said, “But all of a sudden I can’t stand to be around stim’caf any more and you know that’s not normal for me.”

That made him smile, my stim’caf habit was legendary on the base. “It should pass. Cravings and changes in food and drink likes and dislikes are pretty standard.”

“I hope it goes away soon!” I said, alarmed at the though of not being able to go near stim’caf for fear of throwing up.

He nodded. “It’s normal as is the morning sickness which, despite its name, can occur at any time I am afraid to tell you.”

“Ugh.” I made a face.

“Drink lots of fluids and you need to eat better as well as rest more. I will make up a diet plan for you and we’ll need to monitor your weight gain. I should warn you, you’ll be tired and you will have mood swings due to all the hormone changes.”

“The drinking and eating part I can probably manage in between the throwing up parts but the sleeping part… can’t guarantee that unless you have a sure fire cure for getting rid of nightmares.”

“I wish I could help you with the bad dreams, Merlyn, I see what they are doing to you but I don’t know how to help other than offer you some sort of counselling to discover their roots.”

“Talking won’t help.” I said with a shrug.

He sighed and nodded. He knew all about my strange gifts and the issues they brought with them. “I want to keep a very close eye on you. While Chiss and human physiologies are similar there are some major differences which will complicate this pregnancy greatly. That means monitoring your health carefully. I don’t want to scare you but this will not be an easy pregnancy.”

“Differences? Aside from the obvious appearance ones what should I know about?”

“The major one I am concerned with right now is the different gestation times. Humans carry offspring from between two hundred and fifty-nine to two hundred and ninety-four days. Chiss gestation times are longer by nearly fifty to sixty days. I don’t know what sort of stress that will put on your body.”

“He wants me to return to the Virulent and work with Admiral Larsen. I would have been there now except the Virulent is off on some mission and out of contact for another month or so.”

“Well I don’t really care what he wants from this moment on you are my patient and you will remain here. While I am sure the doctor on board Larsen’s ship is good he will not know yours or Thrawn’s medical histories the way I do, he certainly won’t have much experience with Chiss physiology and I have better equipment here.” He said thoughtfully. “Don’t make me pull rank on you to get you to do as I ask.”

“You’re the second person to say that to me today.” I smiled.

“I’m surprised you don’t hear that more often. You are reckless and impulsive but if you want to carry this child to term you will have to curb that nature and settle down a bit.”

There was something he wasn’t telling me so I asked outright. “What’s the but? Because I hear a definite but in there, what are you not telling me?”

He drew a deep breath. “Most inter-species pregnancies don’t last to term. The variables in DNA make it almost impossible to grow a viable embryo that lasts beyond fifty-six days and, to be brutally honest with you; this is usually a good thing due to the deformities and mutations that occur.” He looked at me to make sure I was actually hearing what he was saying. “You need to be prepared for the fact that the chances you will carry this child to term are very, very slim. I will do everything I can for you to make it possible as long as it does not place your life in any danger but statistics are not on your side.”

“So what you are telling me is not to get too attached to this baby?”

He sighed. “Without trying to seem like Doctor Doom here, yes. If you make it past the two hundred day mark then we can hope a little but before that, especially in the first hundred days I would advise caution and that’s the reason I don’t think you should be anywhere else but here.”

“I will have to lie or find some really good reason why I should stay here.” I said quietly.

“You already have a good reason, dear, you’re pregnant with his child.” He was puzzled.

“How long before it starts to show?” I asked ignoring the unasked question in the doctor’s eyes.

“Not for a while yet, at least a hundred and thirty days or so depending on development.”

“So we can keep this a secret, at least for now?”

He looked at me for a moment then nodded. “Yes, if that is your wish.”

“And you won’t tell Thrawn or anyone else?”

“Unless you give me permission to do so I am legally not allowed to but why, if I may ask, do you not want to tell him or is he not the father?”

I shook my head. “Oh he’s definitely the father.” I said quickly with a smile I couldn’t quite stop. “There’s never been anyone else.”

He nodded. “Then what is the problem?”

“He has enough to worry about and as you said I might not carry to term. I’d rather tell him good news when I know the news is good. If I tell him now and things go wrong ….” I shrugged offhandedly but suddenly and to my surprise I didn’t want to think about that. “Besides it’s not as if he is here every day to see what’s going on. I’m not even sure when I will see him next so best not to worry him just yet, especially while he’s in the middle of his biggest move yet. When we know for certain there will be a baby then we can tell him, okay?”

He wasn’t happy about this but he nodded anyway. “As you wish but I have to tell you I don’t like it and I am pretty certain he won’t either when he does find out. You know how is about you keeping secrets from him.”

I made a little gesture with my shoulder. “Well that’s my problem when it happens isn’t it. Right now he’s busy, in fact he’s up to his neck in it. I don’t want to add to the stress.”

“I heard that he was planning on going after the ships at the Sluis Van yards.” Doctor Thracer said as he loaded up a hypospray. I gave him a look. “Prenatal vitamins, nothing more.” He said as he pressed the spray gun against my neck. “You’re eating habits are terrible when Thrawn is away and your body needs a boost.”

I nodded. “The fleet needs ships, though I find it weird there are not more Imperial ships out there. I mean the Imperial navy was enormous and not so many were actually destroyed at Endor. Where did the rest of the ships go? I mean surely if an Imperial Captain heard that a Grand Admiral had survived and was trying to take back the Empire would he not come running to join in?”

Doctor Thracer shrugged. “I agree with you but I have no answers. Thrawn often asked the same question as you and I had no answers for him either. Perhaps these ships are holed up somewhere so remote that no one knows what is actually going on, or maybe the crews simply gave up and left these ships abandoned somewhere in space. I don’t think we will ever know.” He dug out a data pad from one of the drawers and started to punch stuff into it.

I shook my head. “It doesn’t add up, you know.” Then, suddenly feeling exhausted I discovered I didn’t really care about ships or fleets or much of anything. I sighed. “I didn’t know he spoke to you about his campaign?”

The doctor smiled. “We have come along way from the very first time you met me, you know. I have you to thank for that.”

I raised my eyebrows at him.

“You have a way of bringing people together, though I don’t think you notice that much. After Endor he had no one to talk to about you and what you were going through so he came to me and through that experience we developed a friendship after a fashion. He does not confide in many people nor does he have many people he would call friend but somehow I am honoured to be one of them so yes he talks to me about his campaigns though not in great amounts of detail. Friend or not that’s still classified information but I think he finds it of use to have a non military point of view sometimes.”

“So he finds it weird as well that so much of the Imperial Navy is … missing.”

“Yes but he cannot afford the resources to try and find them or try to obtain information on where to start looking.”

A thought flashed across my brain but I bit down on it before it could show on my face and I changed the subject quickly. “How long will this nausea and vomiting go on for?”

“Hard to say, though in normal human pregnancies it usually subsides after eighty to ninety days though there are exceptions to this rule and given the nature of this pregnancy I can’t say with any certainty this will hold true for you. I can give you something for it if you need it.”

I shook my head. “No.” When he raised his eyebrows at me I explained, “You can’t tell me for sure that anything you give me won’t harm the baby can you?”

“No. You are the first human I know of to conceive with a Chiss. I have no idea what will happen so I am going to have to do some research on Chiss pregnancies. I truly didn’t even think this was possible and I remember telling you that when you asked me some time back. I guess I am eating my words today.” He smiled.

“So this is a good thing right?” I asked carefully.

“Yes, if you two wish a child this is a very good thing though I cannot stress enough caution in your optimism but the fact that you even conceived at all is a very good sign, bad timing aside.”

That made me smile. “So… tell me what I need to know about being pregnant because this is a first for me.”

Doctor Thracer handed me the data pad and did his best to educate me on the subject of being an expectant mother. By the time he let me go I was more bewildered and astonished than ever. I was grateful to get back to my quarters so that I could just lie down. It was an awful lot to take in and on top of it all I was worried about Thrawn. The attack on the Sluis Van Ship yards should have taken place and I had half expected to hear about the results by now.

As I lay on the bed I could not help but think about the lack of Imperial ships and wondered where the rest of the ships had gone. I was certain now, from the dreams I had been having that the Emperor was not dead but very much alive and also planning some sort of grand come back. The real mystery was why had he not found Thrawn? The two of them would have been invincible together. But then again, I thought the together part was probably the real issue. Palpatine had let power go to his head and for all intensive purposes I thought he was just mad. Sharing had never been high on his list of things to do and sharing with Thrawn, well that would be just wrong in the Emperor’s books. I wondered if he was simply waiting on some hidden planet somewhere for Thrawn to do the major damage to the Rebels and then sweep in and take the end glory for himself. If that was the case then Palpatine was more than just a power hungry madman he was a petty idiot. Thrawn did not want to rule the galaxy as its new Emperor; he wanted to bring back the law and order which had held the empire together so that if there was an invasion from some nasty unknown species that lived beyond the galaxy’s edge then just maybe we’d all be prepared, at least that was his story and so far he was sticking to it.

I absently rubbed my belly and thought about the new life that was growing inside of me with a sigh. It was too early and too small to sense or feel anything yet it was there. A child, our child. The prospect was daunting. Oddly enough I found myself wondering what Palpatine would have thought of this had it happened while he was still alive and on Coruscant. Chances were good he would be repulsed by the idea of a human and a Chiss mating and producing offspring but there was also a good chance my child would be a force user and that would complicate things even more. If Palpatine lived and if he ever found out I was certain he would want this child to train especially if it had Thrawn’s brains and my talents. I knew a sliver of icy fear then, and hoped that what ever gods were watching over me stuck close by because I was quite scared to death which, I suddenly realised, was probably how my own birth mother felt when she had discovered she was pregnant with me as well.

The delicate Lie 8

It was a familiar scene. Me, standing with my hands balled up into fists on my hips, angry and stubborn, while Thrawn, his arms folded across his chest, regarded me in his cool, reserved manner as we argued or rather I argued …loudly. People avoided the area of the corridor where we were standing as though their lives depended on it.

“Why must you always be so difficult?” He asked calmly. “It is a simple thing I am asking and yet you feel the need to complicate it.”

“I am not complicating anything; you’re the one forbidding me to do something I have done millions of times before! It’s the lower levels of the base for sarlacc’s sake not the creepy flesh eating bug infested caverns! My workout room is in the basement and I used to go down there all the time! What the hell are you hiding from me?”

I was trying his patience but I didn’t care. I was tired, cranky and beyond reason. I had wanted to go down to the room I used as a gym but now, all of a sudden, the area was now off limits and I didn’t like this much. He had reasoned there were other rooms I could set up and use as a private work out area if I had wanted but that was not really the point. The discussion had gone from civil to angry when he had outright forbidden me to go into the sublevels and then would not give me any real good reason.

“Merlyn, the area we are discussing is now off limits to all but a very select few due to the delicate nature of the project being undertaken and you are not on that list.”

I took a deep breath to begin my own tirade in response but before I could even get a word out he calmly but firmly grasped my upper arm and led me into one of the offices and shut the door.

“What are doing?” I hissed.

“I would prefer we do this in private. It is not good when you undermine my authority in public. While I know that giving you an order is rather like waving a red flag at a raging bantha the rest of this base does not need to see it in action.”

“Well there wouldn’t be any argument if you wouldn’t forbid me to do things I have already been doing since the first week I have lived here. “

He sighed. “Just because you were allowed space to use does not make that particular space yours for all of time. The sub-levels are now in use for a very large and very secret project which demands the utmost in security and while I know you can keep your mouth shut I simply cannot take the risk.”

“Risk of what?” I demanded. “I’m not going any where because you’ve made it pretty clear you’d prefer to keep me close and besides there is no where else for me to go anyway and if anyone invaded the base they’d discover your secrets all by themselves with no help from me what so ever.”

“How difficult are you going to be about this?” He asked after a very lengthy silence in which we just stared at each other.

“Very.” I replied. “That was MY room, you said I could have it and now I can’t for no real good reason! You’ve no right to keep secrets from me all the time.”

His eyebrow shot up. “No right?” He asked. I could swear I saw the faintest hint of a smile on his lips but it vanished as soon as it came. “I am the leader of this base, the leader of the Imperial Navy and I have all the rights in the galaxy to keep what ever secrets I see fit to do so from you. Just because you share my bed and my heart does not mean you are automatically privy to everything going on in the universe, especially if it has to do with my current and future campaigns.” He said. “You are my mate not my first in command and the sooner you get that through your lovely head the better.”

I couldn’t really come up with a suitable reply to his logic so I did the next best thing and made a face that said I don’t care and we were at an impasse. The moment stretched into a too long silence that I wasn’t going to back down from.

He drew a deep long breath and then shook his head. “It doesn’t matter what I say does it. As soon as I have left the base you will find a way to bypass the security and go down there.”

I made another face because he was right. I really didn’t take being told no very well.

“If I take you down, explain and show you the project myself will you promise to leave things alone afterwards?” He asked carefully, “Because I really don’t want to have to lock you up for the duration of this campaign.”

“You wouldn’t dare!”

His glare said Try me and I didn’t need to be force sensitive to know who would lose this fight. He was willing to compromise but that only went so far.

I sighed loudly and nodded. “Okay.”

“Okay what? Okay you allow me to give you a guided tour through this project and then you leave it alone or okay I incarcerate you for the next millennia and let everyone think we have a very kinky relationship?”

“Think I’ll take choice number one, if that’s okay with you.”

“Smart girl.” He said.

I sighed and moved away from him. After nearly four months away, he had been on the base for just two days and almost all of it had been spent in meetings with his staff. I had seen him briefly once when he first got back because he had come into the quarters to change into fresh clothes but that had more or less been it. He was due to ship out again sooner than I would have liked and I was not really happy about it. I felt as though I never got to see him anymore and I wasn’t sure how to cope with the sensation of being a bystander in what looked to be a very complicated game of dejarik. He understood that most of my being difficult came from not wanting to admit I was scared and that it was just easier to pick a fight with him than deal with my fear of losing him. I kept telling myself I should never ever have gotten involved with him in the first place but it was a bit too late for that now. I had my back turned to him and stifled a yawn. I was exhausted.

“Tekari…” He started but I shook my head and made a please don’t motion with my hand.

I didn’t know what to do or think any more. After we had made up from the terrible fight which had taken place on board of the Virulent we had talked about where I should go, and what I should do. His suggestion had been to return to working with Ged Larsen on board of his ship but I had outright refused, citing his jealousy of Ged and my need to be on the base to help Syal with the children and teach Cheunh but really I was scared to leave. For the first time in my life I felt as though I had no place, no real purpose and no useful job and I wasn’t handling this very well.

“Merlyn, look at me.”

I did as he commanded. He reached out and caressed the side of my face with his hand, this time I didn’t flinch or move away. “Perhaps you should talk to the doctor about giving you something to help you sleep, something to maybe counter these nightmares you’ve been having.” His voice had softened now that we had brokered a deal.

“No.” I said. I didn’t want drugs to help me sleep, what I wanted was to understand the terrible dreams that had started up again. He watched me for a moment, trying to puzzle out what I wouldn’t tell him. I guess when it came to secrets I also had my own fair share.

“Sj’iu tekari….” He started but I shook my head again. I didn’t want to hear what he was going to say, however this time he ignored me and continued, “You wake up half the base at the moment with your screams. Tir tells me that Syal is worried about you. I have not seen you in this state in a long time and not opening up about it is not going to help.” He lectured. I wondered how many time he had said these words to me. When I said nothing he continued, “Are these the dreams in which you see me die?”

I gave him the one shoulder shrug. “I really don’t want to talk about it.” I said and I meant it.

“Fine, but sooner or later you will need to deal with these nightmares and find a way to get some sleep.”

“I don’t know why you’re so worried about it,” I snapped. “It’s not as if I keep you up.” It was a low shot because I was over tired and angry as well as scared and frustrated. We stared at one another and I wondered if I had gone too far. The moment between us wavered and then the expression on his face gentled.

“I know the past four months have been difficult for you and I appreciate that you are unhappy with this situation, however when the commanding officer of this base gives me reports which include concerns about your well being I am afraid I do worry about it.”

I exhaled slowly. “Guess that will teach me for confiding in people.”

“Do not blame Voss or even Syal; it was the doctor who expressed concerns, Voss merely mentioned it to me.” He said.

I just stared at him wondering when this discussion had suddenly become all about my bad sleeping habits rather than his secrets in the basement.

“Talk to me tekari,” He said quietly, “Please?”

I bit at my bottom lip and turned away from him, wrapping my arms around my body. “Do you recall that awful painting you once had in your dining room on Coruscant?”

“I do.”

“Well that’s what some of these dreams are like.” I said. “I can’t explain it but they’re bad. I wake up terrified because something terrible is coming, is going to happen and I don’t know what because I can’t see it clearly enough.”

“Do you not think it is just a manifestation of your worry for me, for what is happening now?”

I made a face, “You sound like Doctor Thracer.”

“Be that as it may, you did not answer my question.”

“I don’t know.” I shrugged, “But it feels different from the dreams I have about you, about the campaign even about the Emperor. In these dreams everything just feels wrong, as though the universe becomes twisted somehow.” I struggled for more words and then gave up exasperated. “What do you care anyway? You are too busy fighting your own war!” I regretted the words as soon as they were out of my mouth but it was too late. I flapped my hand at him and fought back tears of frustration. “I’m sorry. I’m so….”

He cut me off. “I understand, I don’t take it personally when you lash out because you are so tired you cannot think straight but I will march you to the medlab if you don’t get some rest.”

“Not advisable.” I growled. “You may be leader of this base but I can still hurt you.” As I said those words I wondered if Rukh would suddenly appear and put his knife to my throat. Where ever Thrawn was Rukh was not that far away.

For a long heavy moment Thrawn watched me and then he just sighed letting some of the tension he had been holding in go.

“I don’t know how to help you. I arrive back on this base to find you pale and drawn. You’ve lost weight and everyone who cares about you has come to me expressing concerns.” He eventually said. “I see you in turmoil and I don’t know how to fix that. Even if I could tell you right now this campaign was a complete success that all was well and you and I could settle down somewhere and start a family that would not help would it? You would still wake up screaming from something I can neither see nor do anything about. Would my constant presence at your side alleviate these nightmares?”

I shook my head. “I doubt it. These dreams, these visions, they’re not like the ones I have about you and yes I still have those as well. Hell, I even still dream about Jyrki for sarlacc’s sake. But these new ones, they are vague and utterly terrifying.” I wasn’t telling him the whole truth about how much detail I could recall from these new sets of dreams and I was pretty sure he knew that but he let it go for now.

He glanced at his chrono and said, “I will be free of meetings in about four hours then I am all yours.”

I nodded not trusting myself to speak.

He came up to stand behind me and with his hands on my shoulders turned me to face him again. “Why don’t you go and see if you can get some sleep so we can talk without it turning into an argument?”

I saw genuine worry in his eyes and I felt a pang of guilt. He had enough on his shoulders as it was without me adding to it.

“I will come for you when I am done and we can talk then, I promise.”

“And this super secret project that’s stolen away my training room?” I asked with a little smile.

“That was part of the deal.” He stroked the side of my face with the backs of his fingers, kissed me on the forehead, “Go and get some rest, please? I truly do not want to spend the precious amount of time I have with you arguing, we’ve done enough of that to last a lifetime and I am quite tired of it.” he said, waited for me to nod and then he left.

I stood still for a few moments and then headed to our quarters. It was late afternoon and Thrawn was right I was exhausted. I stripped off and slid into one of his shirts because it held his scent which that was comforting and drifted into sleep. I didn’t dream and nearly five hours later Thrawn kept his word.

It was the touch and warmth of his hand as he ran his fingers through my hair that woke me up. He sat next to me on the bed, fully dressed, leaning back against the headboard and smiled at me when I focused on his face. “Do you have any idea how truly lovely you are?” He asked.

I made a face and got up, not bothering to hide the blush that rose to my cheeks. He did not say things like this all that often and I was always at a loss for words when he did. I never thought of myself in that way and somehow it surprised me that he did. In my head I would always be the plain Outer rim girl who never quite fit in anywhere but he saw past all of that. I stumbled to the fresher to wake up. Once I had cleaned my teeth and washed the sleep from my face I felt a whole lot better. When I returned to the bedroom Thrawn had not moved but he had taken off his uniform jacket. He patted the side of the bed I had just come from and motioned for me to rejoin him there.

“I want stim’caf.” I told him.

He shook his head, “No you don’t.” he countered. “You want me, now come here.”

I was surprised at the sudden shot of desire his words created and it made me blush as well as smile. “You are so arrogant.” I told him as I sat on the bed beside him.

His smile was smug. “I am simply very good at what I do, my dear.” And to prove his point he began to trace his fingers lightly across the skin of my thigh.

I shivered at his touch, watching the blue of his hand against the white of my own flesh and wondered if he was deliberately tracing along the scar there or not.

As if he could read my mind he said almost absently. “I should have made you heal in a bacta tank.”

The scar on my thigh was the first of many I had gathered over the years since I had begun working for the Empire but unlike most of them this one had a meaning and memory that was not altogether unkind. “I’m glad you didn’t. It serves as a reminder.” I said softly.

“A reminder of what?” He asked, sliding his hand further up my leg, under the shirt to my belly.

I swallowed as what he was doing with his hand was starting to make thinking difficult. “That nothing is ever what it seems to be and when I let my guard down I tend to get hurt.”

“Even when you are with me?” He asked as he watched my reaction while he brushed the tip of my breast with his thumb.

I gasped. “Especially when I am with you.”

“I don’t think that’s what you really mean tekari.” He murmured.

“Oh?”

“No, I think you mean it reminds you that everything is dangerous.”

“Everything is.” I nodded wordlessly as he unbuttoned the shirt I was wearing and brushed it aside.

“Perhaps,” He smiled that beautiful yet feral smile I had come to think as his hunter’s smile. “But you rather like danger unfortunately.” He said.

I pulled his shirt off and ran my hands down his chest, tracing the line of blue black hair that went from his navel to his trousers. I didn’t need to be a jedi to see that he too was aroused and in need. I traced the form of him through the fabric of his pants and gave him a feral look of my own. When he growled from the back of his throat, I laughed. Two could play at this particular dangerous game and at least here we were, more or less, evenly matched. For a moment we stopped and stared at each other and I that single second the rest of the galaxy slid away, there was only him and me. This passion which sparked between us never ceased to astonish me and sometimes I wondered if there was enough space in the universe for such a powerful thing.

Four months apart had done its damage and suddenly a desperate sort of need made me hungry for more than just caresses so when he brought his head down close to mine to kiss me I threaded my fingers through his hair, gripped hard enough to surprise him and whispered in his ear “Don’t be gentle this time.” I figured there would be time enough afterward to unravel the secrets he had in the basements but right now there were more pressing things at hand. I released my hold and he pushed himself up.

His eyebrow arched and for a moment he paused, braced above me with a smile that was unreadable to consider what I had just said to him. “As you wish, my dear.” He replied and with that the games began in earnest.


***


Several hours later, satiated and a lot less tense, I followed him quietly down to the door to the now forbidden basement area. As we stood at the door he looked at me. “What you will see is a secret. I expect you to respect this absolutely and I also expect you to not come down here again unless I give you permission to do so. If you disobey this order then I will have you locked up. Do you understand?”

I didn’t like being spoken to this way but since we were standing in front of a matched set of Chiss guards I didn’t argue. I nodded. “Yes, Admiral.”

He nodded at the guards who moved slightly to allow us to unlock the door. As we walked down the small corridor to the turbo lift I felt my head buzz but shook it off as a reaction to too much physical exercise and not enough to food. He was silent in the lift but I could feel him watch me carefully.

“What?” I asked.

He shook his head as the lift stopped. “Come let me show you the project.” And without anything further he stepped out of the turbo lift into another dimly lit hallway. I shook my head to clear away the dizzy sensation I was feeling. This wasn’t how I remembered it. He had changed things down here. I followed him, having to trot to keep up with his long legged strides. He keyed in a code on the door-pad and the security door slid open. He walked through into the room and I followed. I immediately doubled over, clutching at my head and sinking to my knees with a gasp.

“Ysalamiri.” He said as if that explained everything and then grasped my arm and helped me to my feet.

I was completely and utterly head blind and the effect was hellishly disorienting. Stepping through the door into the room had been like stepping into the vacuum of space with no suit on. It was as if everything I knew and felt had suddenly been sucked out leaving me cold and blind in the process. The only other time I had ever experienced this was on Myrkr. Slowly I got my bearings and adjusted to a world without the force. I had not truly realised how much of a part of my life it was until it was suddenly no longer there.

The room was dimly lit and fairly quiet with the exception of the humming machinery and a quiet bubbling noise. I looked around and saw, built into the walls and ceiling of the room branches of Myrkr trees and on these branches were the strange, furry serpent like creatures Thrawn had named Ysalamiri. The room was full of them. It was no wonder I had reacted the way I had, these creatures somehow managed to repel the force away. I drew a deep breath and began to take note of the machinery until I came to the large tanks, the source of the faint bubbling sound. At first I thought they were empty but then I noticed one was not and went to take a closer look.

“Cloning tanks from Mount Tantis.” Thrawn explained walking beside me.

I glanced at him then to the growing being inside the one tank that was being used. “Is that a…human?” I asked, it was hard to tell because the clone was still in very early stages.”

“A Chiss actually.”

I glanced up at him in surprise.

“Humans make excellent soldiers and we are already making use of the large cloning facility left to us in Mount Tantiss for them but I wish to see if I can breed a better class of soldier and the Chiss make for better soldiers.”

“Who is it a clone of?” I asked.

He regarded me for a moment and then said, “No one you know and the one who volunteered wished to remain anonymous.”

I nodded. I could certainly understand wanting to not be known but eventually that truth would be all too evident when the clone matured. “Why all these creatures?” I waved my hand atthe menagerie around the room.

“They repel the force as you well know but unbeknown to most it is the force that also greatly interferes with how fast we can mature a clone. When the force aspect is removed the clone maturation process is sped up greatly, allowing us to create more clones faster. It by passes the cloning sickness that was sometimes prevalent in clones who were matured too quickly.”

“Did the Emperor know this?” I asked now curious.

Thrawn shook his head. “I do not think so. He was aware of Myrkr and its unusual fauna but he avoided the planet and removed it from all the databases. He would not have instituted the use of a force repelling creature in a place where he thought he was a god.”

I nodded rubbing absently at my temples.

“Are you alright?” Thrawn asked.

I nodded. “It’s just difficult to get used to. It would be like you suddenly losing your ability to see.” I smiled wanly, “Right now I am just an ordinary girl with no special abilities.”

“Well, perhaps your special abilities have been temporarily removed however, my dear, you are anything but ordinary.”

“I can’t even tell if you are telling me the truth or just pulling my leg when you say that.” I sighed and looked around again at the room.

He didn’t dignify that statement with an answer. Instead he said, “Any questions you have about this project ask them now because once we leave this room there will be absolutely no further discussion about it and you will not be allowed entry again.”

I nodded. I was pretty certain I would not ever want to come back here. I did not like the eerie sensation of being cut off from the force and the clone growing in the tank made me very uneasy. I sighed and thought about it but in the end there were no more questions to ask. He was planning an army of Chiss clones. I really didn’t need to know more than that nor did I really want to.

“I will be installing more of the Ysalamiri in the hallways, just to that you are aware.” He said.

I nodded and turned to him. “Thank you.”

He tilted his head to one side, “For what?”

“Sharing this with me.”

His smile reached his eyes and he almost laughed. “That was pure self preservation tekari. If your curiosity had not been satisfied you would have found a way to venture down here on your own and I don’t wish to think of the conclusions you might have come to or what the effects of these creatures would have done to you. Better that you know what is going on and I know what happens when you are in the same room as the ysalamiri because they will be a part of my life for a while, or at least until the clone making process is done and the Jedi Master is off my ship and out of my presence.”

“If these creatures nullify the force won’t it be impossible for your jedi master to detect me?” I asked suddenly wondering.

“I dare say you are right but do you really want to take that risk? I know I do not.” He said as we left the cloning room as quietly as we came.

Only once we were back up in the main floor of the base did the force return to me. It was as if someone had suddenly turned on all the lights. We walked in silence back to our quarters and once there he poured two brandies and motioned for me to sit beside him on the small couch. He touched his glass to mine and sipped slowly. I did the same and relished the warmth that slid down my throat.

“I will be leaving the day after tomorrow and I want you to return to the Virulent.” He said suddenly with no preamble.

I just glanced at him over the rim of my glass. “Why?” I asked.

“Because I think you will be safe there and I want you to work as a liaison with Ged Larsen for me.”

“After everything that happened?”

“The only thing that occurred was my inability to control my own emotions and that will not happen again. Larsen has assured me you will be safe and I trust you.”

“You do?”

He smiled. “Yes.” He said and it was not a lie. “You are not happy here, even though you try to be and you need a job that is more than just something to while away time. I need you on board the Virulent and Larsen says that he has use of someone with your abilities in the area of ships mechanics as well as your, for lack of a better description, office skills.”

I gulped the rest of my brandy down and toyed with my glass. “And will I get to see you?” I asked quietly.

“When and if I have time during the next stages of this campaign then there will be time for you. I cannot promise any more than that.” He said looking at the remnants of his own drink, “But I will keep you better informed.”

“Promise?”

He regarded me for a long moment, his glowing red eyes bored into mine and then he said, “Yes. I promise.”

I nodded, “Okay then I will go back to the Virulent but if you ever and I do mean ever pull a stunt like you did the last time I was there I will put you on your ass so fast even Rukh won’t know what hit you.”

He smirked and put aside his glass. “Is that a threat or a promise Miss Gabriel?”

I narrowed my eyes at him as he removed the glass from my hand just in case I decided to use it as a projectile and before I could come up with a suitable retort he shut me up with a kiss. It was hard to argue with this ability of his to quell any discussions and instead of fighting him I played along and kissed him back. We didn’t have so much time together that I wanted to waste it talking about trivial things.

The delicate Lie 7

I sat with my legs dangling over the side of the gantry and my chin on my arms as I rested them on the railing watching Thrawn disembark from the shuttle. He didn’t look up but he knew I was there. I watched as he returned the salute from his deck officer and then, with Rukh in tow, left for the commander center and then to the debriefing I knew was scheduled. It was just past two in the morning local time and I had no intention of going near our quarters not to mention sleeping.

People were used to me being up on the gantry, sitting like a little kid watching a Jawa market so I was left alone mostly. I just observed the activity on the dock as pilots and crew came and went, going on about their business. Even at this late hour there were a myriad of things to do and it was interesting to see, of course avoidance of Thrawn made anything more interesting including watching the dock-bay crew sweep the floor. I wasn’t tired although I should have been. I had woken up early because of nightmares and then spent most of my day with the Fel boys, teaching them Cheunh and helping their mother, Syal who was kept busy with their latest addition Jagged. He was a bit of a handful.


I had come to watch Thrawn’s shuttle land as soon as Parck told me it was on the way to the base but actually seeking Thrawn out was not on my agenda. I decided to wait until he sent for me, or not. Either way he had to make the first move. It was nearly four am when he broke the stand-off by coming to fetch me himself. I felt the subtle shake of the gantry when he walked along it and only glanced at him when he squatted down, heel to haunch, beside me. For a very long time we just stared at each other until he broke the silence.

“I am sorry.” He said simply.

I continued to stare at him until something in his expression wavered and then I nodded. “Me too.”

He opened his mouth but the overly abrupt hand gesture on my part stopped any words he wanted to say from escaping. “Don’t.” I said. “I know you feel you need to explain but you don’t.

His expression indicated frustration. I sighed and returned to resting my chin on my arms to stare over the docking bay. “Navaari was right.”

“In what way?”

“You and I are like the ingredients in a sun. We need each other to shine. It’s fine as long as all the chemicals and gasses that go into making it up are in harmony, but when something goes out of balance it explodes, usually violently and then things get…well… a bit tense. It’s all very exciting in a weird sort of way until someone gets burnt or hurt. We’re very good at going nova and we’re both very good at hurting each other when we’re angry.” I glanced at him and he nodded, waiting for me to finish. “It takes two to start a war. You were wrong…but so was I.” I paused for a moment. “And,” I added, “I think a part of me likes winding you up like that even though I know it will end in disaster.”

“Why?”

I shrugged ever so slightly with on shoulder, “Because I’m human, I need emotion from my partner. You’re so calm and so cool headed almost all of the time, you use your own super intelligent logic to out logic everything and everyone else, and it’s like living in a vacuum. I almost never know what you are thinking or feeling unless you show me and even then that’s rare. Sometimes I feel as though I could be part of your office furniture. Riling you up like that is the only way I have of really knowing that you actually care about me, even if it’s anger it’s better than cool, calculated indifference.”

“I have never been indifferent when it comes to you.” He said quietly. I could taste the hurt behind the words.

“I know that…logically.” I said with a little grin then returned my gaze to the quiet of the docking bay.

“But logic isn’t always enough?” He said after a moment.

“Something like that, I guess.” I nodded. “Look, I’m am not now nor was I ever having an affair with Ged Larsen. That’s not to say it didn’t cross my mind because that would be a lie. He’s attractive, intelligent, arrogant and bossy which is exactly the sort of man I seem to like. Maybe if you were not in the picture he and I would have started something but I am also sure if we had it would have ended badly. So you were wrong about all of that, wrong and hurtful. You need to believe me when I say I would not do that to you. If, and I have to stress the if part here, if I were going to cheat on you, you’d know about it because I would talk to you about it first.” I glanced up at him.

He arched an eyebrow, “Then it wouldn’t technically be cheating.”

“You get my point.” I gave him a look.

“I do.” He conceded.

“You have no real reason to be jealous but you are anyway. I like it even though the results are a bit…unpredictable and winding you up just to get a response is also unfair. In this I was wrong and I’m sorry, but as I said, it takes two.”

He reached out to brush the side of my face. “Time with the Dantassi seems to have a calming effect on you.”

“No, it’s the mind numbing cold of the planet does that.”

“So, I take it from the fact that no objects are being flung at me that you have forgiven me?”

“There is not really anything to forgive.” I said after a lengthy silence.

“Indeed?” He replied sceptically.

I glanced at him. “If I had told you to stop you would have.”

He sighed as he stood up. “I think this is a conversation better finished in private, don’t you?”

I stared at him for a moment then reluctantly got up, unsure of how the rest of this conversation would play out. I walked beside him in silence as we made our way to our private quarters. The halls of the base were quiet and almost deserted. There were a billion questions I wanted to ask him about his campaign but I kept my mouth shut not wanting to break the oddly calm stillness between us.

He let me through the door first before following me inside. Once inside he began to strip off his uniform jacket in a single graceful motion. It was like watching him shed a skin and once he laid it carefully over the back of a chair he seemed to relax. I watched this process with a sense of profound wonder. When he was done he turned to look at me, for a second our eyes caught and time paused. When he beckoned I came to stand before him. When he crooked a finger under my chin and raised my face upwards I didn’t resist. We stared at each other and then he nodded ever so slightly.

“If you had asked me to stop, I would have.” He said after what seemed forever.

I just continued to look at him.

“But you said nothing.” He continued, almost puzzled. “You let me….”

I gave a slight shrug with my left shoulder and moved away from his touch. “You seemed to need….”

“I did not need to be cruel or hurtful and I was both.” He interrupted angrily, turning away from me to pace over to the window; the dawn was making its presence known as the night sky began to lighten in the east in faint red streaks. “It is a poor leader who cannot admit his mistakes.” He said. “I have had time to think on what passed between us and it was…unnecessary.”

“I pushed, you lost it, we’re both to blame.” I said more sharply than I meant to. “Sometimes I like it when you lose control; sometimes I want you to lose control.” I said honestly.

“Why?” He asked turning to look at me, curiosity and concern rippled across his face.

“The Emperor would say it is all about power games, my uncle would tell you it’s because I don’t know when to back off and I really don’t know but it’s probably someplace in between.”

Thrawn arched an eyebrow at me.

I shrugged. “I don’t care to get into the why of it and it’s not something I want to make a habit of either. It happened; it’s done and over with so can we please just let it go, okay?”

“Just like that?”

I nodded, “Just like that. Some things are better left alone and I think this is one of them.” I said, watching him carefully, wary and worried that something really had broken between us. Vader had often been abusive and Thrawn had often berated me for allowing it, as if I had had a choice, and now here we were discussing a similar theme only this time it wasn’t Vader he was angry at it was himself. I watched the struggle on his face and then breathed a small sigh of relief when I saw him let it go. I went to sit down; suddenly I was tired.

“I’ve said it before, I will say it again; you are a distraction I do not need but you do make my life interesting.” He remarked quietly.

I wasn’t quite sure how to take that so I just smirked a little and sipped my drink. “You’re not the easiest man in the galaxy to be with either you know.”

“Then we make the perfect pair, don’t we.”

“That’s what Navaari says all the time, only he usually adds we’re both too stupid and stubborn to see it. I really am sorry. I think you’ve been right all along when you said I need some sort of crisis to deal with in order to be happy.”

“You should try to base your happiness on something less destructive.” He replied.

“You mean I should not create more conflict?”

He nodded. “We have more than enough of that to go around right now without you adding to it, my dear.”

“Your campaign?” I asked, “How is it going anyway?”

He smiled slightly but it never reached his eyes. “As well as could be expected given the circumstances.” He said after a moment.

“That didn’t sound encouraging.”

“Things sometimes do not go according to plan.” He said cagily.

“But Park said you were doing well.” I frowned.

“Define well tekari.” He replied. “I am working with too few ships and too many raw, untrained people. Given these circumstances we have done well so far but it is difficult and I cannot help but think the New Republic seem to have an inordinate amount of sheer dumb luck on their side. Though we have made great strides and I am, for the most part, pleased with what we have accomplished so far.” He drew a deep breath and came to sit beside me. “I do not discuss openly much of what has gone on. I wish to boost moral not drive it down but we lost a significant battle because I misjudged the enemy’s capacity to think on their feet.”

“Doesn’t that crazy old jedi master you have on board the Chimaera help?”

Thrawn shot me a sharp look. “He does his job but he is unpredictable and in this particular case was of no use. Park told you about him did he?”

I nodded. “And the clones, and the cloaking device.”

“I see.” He said unhappily, “Well, Joruus C’Boath is a clone of an old jedi master I once had the misfortune to meet when I was a lot younger. This clone has all the unpleasant personality traits of the long dead original jedi master as well as clone instability. In other words he is a dangerous time bomb who is quite out of his mind but he has his uses and for the most part I have him under my control. When I no longer have that ability I will eliminate him.” He said. “I would prefer you stay as far as way from him as possible which is the main reason I wanted you on board the Virulent.”

“And now?”

Thrawn shrugged with one shoulder, “Ideally, my dear I would prefer you return to the Virulent and resume your work there.”

“After the fuss you made you want me to go back there?”

“It is still the safest place for you to be and one where you can be of use. I am concerned that C’Boath will sense your presence here and try to obtain you for his student. I have no illusions about what he would do if he became aware of you and your talents and I do not wish to have to deal with such a problem should it arise.”

I slumped back against the couch. “I should have stayed with Navaari.”

“The thought had crossed my mind but I am not so sure his new wife would have appreciated that.”

I scowled at him. “You should have been there.” I said suddenly switching to the topic of Navaari’s wedding.

“Yes, but I was not and it seems everyone except you understands why. I have a job to do and I cannot drop everything to come to a wedding. It was far more important that you be there and it meant far more to Kirja’navaar’inkjerii that you were there than I. If I cannot accomplish this task, if I cannot unite this galaxy under one military might then the future will be uncertain indeed.”

“Uncertain? We’ll all just be under the rule of this crazy New Republic, what is so terrible about that?”

“Nothing if you live in a time of peace and security but I happen to know that this little galaxy is not as safe as everyone seems to think it is.”

“You’re talking about this threat from beyond?”

“I am.” He nodded. “I realize no one wants to hear about it, I realize it is easier to say it’s a lie there is nothing beyond this galaxy and that it is simply an excuse to obtain more power but mark my words, should this invasion come to pass this galaxy will be very sorry it was so quick to eliminate the might of the empire.”

“Every time you speak of this you scare the hell out of me.”

“As well you should be scared.” He said flatly. “These creatures eliminated a Chiss defense fleet as though it were a small bug to be stepped on and while my people may not appear outwardly aggressive we have some of the finest warriors in this galaxy. It is a mixed blessing that the Chiss have no desire to rule everything or to make the first move when it comes to dealing with threats from other species because if they did, the New Republic would not exist. So yes, you should be scared.”

“If this threat is so terrible then why not talk to the leaders of the New Republic, why not try to make them understand.”

He laughed, “Do you really think that after everything they have done to beat the Empire they will willingly and openly talk to the last Imperial Grand Admiral and then give up their power over what they would see as pure speculation?”

“But you said…”

He held up his hand for silence. “I know of a threat that may or may not happen. I am calculating by the knowledge I have and the artwork I have managed to gain access to that this species we discuss will come, they are driven to do so. However, it is only conjecture and,” he said with a sigh, “I have been wrong before.” He drew a deep breath, “No self respecting government would ever in their right minds, give up their power to a military might based on such a theory. They would no more trust me on my theory than they would the Emperor to be nice.”

“Artwork?” I asked quietly, remembering a piece he had once shown me very long ago in his flat on Coruscant. It had utterly creeped me out.

“Yes.”

“I remember the painting. Aside from being the ugliest thing I have ever seen what did it tell you?”

“That this is a species best left alone and we should all pray they do us the same courtesy.” His reply was evasive and said this topic was not up for discussion yet.

“What about joining with The New Republic instead of trying to beat them then?” I steered the topic back.

He shook his head, “I personally do not believe that the New Republic has what it takes to actually join forces and fight off a common enemy, just as the last republic bickered until the end so will this one. It is the nature of the beast. While they all say they want fairness and equality it is the way of things that some species are more equal than others. I guarantee you that should this threat come to pass, it will take this government too long to take appropriate action and then they will spend more time trying to figure out who to blame than trying to solve the situation.”

I stared at the dregs of my drink and let the weight of the silence descend on my shoulders. “I really hope you’re wrong because if this is the future we face then everyone will wish they had the might of the Empire to back them up.”

Thrawn regarded me carefully. “The problem is no one is ever happy with how things are run and everyone not running things thinks they can do a better job. When Palpatine took on the mantel of emperor everyone cheered and those who opposed were few and far between, but when suddenly things didn’t go their way the same people who cheered turned against him. I would willingly bet that in ten years we will see the same kind of dissent in this new government when people realize that they do not get all that they want or when things do not go their way.”

“Do you think you can win?”

He thought about his answer for a while, “Yes, but it will not be easy and certain things have to go very right for it all to happen.”

“If I ask for details you won’t give them will you?”

“No.”

I watched his face, not saying anything and then asked, when he remained closed on that subject, “So what now?”

He cocked his head to one side and downed the rest of his drink. “Now, if you permit me, I shall take you to bed.”

“No more discussions?”

“Not of a verbal kind, unless you wish to stay up discussing politics and war until I need to depart of the Chimaera again but I can think of more pleasant ways to spend my time with you.”

“Endless discussion about war and politics...that’s not really my idea of fun.” I said letting him take me by the hand and pull me to my feet.

“Nor mine.” He smiled.









03.08.2009

The delicate Lie 6

Standing for Navaari as he was bound to An’jast’a was one of the proudest, most wonderful moments of my life. As the enclave elder pronounced them joined I thought my heart would burst and the tears that welled up in my eyes were tears of pure joy. The great hall was so full it felt as though it would burst, Navaari had many friends, as did An’jast’a, and everyone wanted to be there for them when they finally wed. The celebration which took place after promised to be the largest the enclave had ever known and I felt honoured to be a part of it but at the same time saddened that Thrawn was not here to share it with me.

During the feast I sat next to An’jast’a as was custom and she made certain I did not feel left out or lonely. She made sure that I was caught up on all the latest news and gossip that I had managed to somehow miss during the month I had been on Hjal. It was easy to avoid the gossip when Navaari was in charge of keeping me busy. Convinced that I was getting lax in my practice of tracking he had insisted on taking me out on long treks across the tundra to make sure my skills had not diminished any. I had been grateful for the distraction and happy to be under Navaari’s watchful guidance, learning from him was a treat. He had sensed my need to escape from Thrawn, from Ged and everything that had been happened. When I needed to talk he listened, when I wanted advice he gave it and when I needed a distraction he provided it in the form of hard work.

Once the feasting was done the great hall was cleared for the dancing. It was a huge thing and the Dantassi loved to party at every opportunity. I was convinced it had something to do with the endless amount of time they seemed to spend cooped up due to bad weather. Whatever the reason for the celebration it was usually an amazing event and normally I enjoyed it greatly but this time I found myself missing Thrawn more than ever. His presence failed and it made my heart ache. At some point late in the celebrations, once I managed to escape being swept into the dancing again, I slipped quietly out of the hall, picked up my warm clothes and went to the South Gate to sit out on the hanging bench that had been made for me by Kerrjan, one of Navaari’s closest friends. I had often come here when I wanted to be alone, when I had felt the walls of the enclave closing in on me or when Navaari and I had been fighting. It was Kerrjan’s clever solution to stop me from doing crazy things and to give him some peace and quite. Apparently, Navaari and I were very loud when we argued. I loved it here especially when it was such a beautiful night, still, cold with a crystal clear sky full of twinkling stars.

As I swung the bench back and forth with the tips of my feet I stared up at the sky I could not help but wonder where Thrawn was now and how his campaign was going. I had not heard from him in all the time I was here and now, after a month’s time, I wondered why I had been so angry at him and if he was still furious with me or if he had just decided I was no longer worth the hassle. I missed him greatly and I was deeply saddened that he had not come to see Navaari joined with An’jast’a. Bundled up in the warmth of my clothes, I was half dozing when I heard the outer door open. I let my senses talk to me and smiled, making room for Navaari to sit next to me.

“You should be celebrating.” I said as he tapped his pipe against the side of the chair to empty it.

“I could be saying the same for you.” He replied as he filled his pipe and lit it. “I just wanted to be sure you were not vanishing off into the night.”

I made a face, “You will never let me forget that will you?”

“Probably not.” He chuckled. “So what is on your mind that you had to be slipping away like a ghost?”

“Nothing really, I just needed some fresh air.” I said evasively.

Navaari smiled and took a deep draw on his pipe, making the tobacco glow. “You’ve been gone nearly two hours, that’s a lot of fresh air.” He said gently, “What is it?”

“He should be here for you!” I said crossly.

“He is busy fighting a war, Kycsi’i.” He said gently.

“I know but still….”

“I did not expect him to be here and neither should you. If you want to speak with him you should return to him and stop hiding here.”

I nodded, Navaari was right and we both knew it. “I was planning on returning to Nirauan in a day or so.” I said, “I thought it would be best if I was out of your hair when An’jast’a moved into your home.”

“You are never, as you are putting it, in my hair and it is your home as well, but An’jast’a will appreciate the gesture. She is a little worried about taking over your place in my life.”

I laughed, “She can’t do that.” I said, “We have different places in your heart and as long as I have a bed to sleep on when I come to see you I don’t care really. In fact I think she’ll do wonders for the place because while you may be the best tracker there is you know nothing about home décor.” I paused to look up at him to make sure he knew I meant what I said, “I am truly happy for you. It was about time.”

He smiled, “You are not the first to be telling me this little pup, but it is nice to hear it from you.”

For a long moment there was silence between us, comfortable and easy then I broke it by asking the one question Navaari had avoided answering the entire time I had been there.

“Why did your daughter not come to see you bound?” I didn’t think he would reply because before when I had tried to bring up the topic he had always shut me down as fast as he could. His daughter was a touchy subject at best but this time he surprised me.

“She disapproves.” He said simply, studying his pipe as though it had suddenly become a fascinating artifact.

I looked at him in surprise. “What? Why?”

“Under Chiss custom remarrying is seldom done. She feels I am dishonouring the spirit of my late wife, her mother. She did not wish to be a part of this. She is angry with me for what she feels is a breaking of trust.”

I sat back against the bench and let out an angry puff of air. “Well, that’s just dumb.”

He smiled at my reaction but the sadness in his eyes didn’t go away.

“What’s the real reason she didn’t come?” I pressed.

He shook his head and took a long draw from the pipe, the scent of the smoke permeated the air like a strange sweet perfume. “She wants nothing to do with her Dantassi life. She is ashamed of it. The Chiss view us as something to both fear, look down up on and ultimately ignore. We are a part of their past, their history they would rather forget. She has left her Dantassi past behind to become Chiss. Returning here reminds her of where she came from and she does not wish that.”

I frowned, “But you are her father.”

He nodded, “So I am but in the end sometimes the family you are born into is not the family you choose to be with.”

I leaned me head against his shoulder. “Well I think she’s stupid then.” I said tartly.

He chuckled a little and stroked my hair. “She has chosen her path just as you choose yours.”

“I don’t choose my path, Navaari, it chooses me. I just seem to go along for the ride.” I said with a large sigh.

“Psshht,” he answered back, letting me know he wasn’t buying my pat answer. “You choose everything you do, all in life is chosen.” He paused for a moment then said, “You need to go back to your mate, whether you are believing it or not he needs you, now more so than ever before.”

“I find that hard to believe.” I grumbled.

“Perhaps but it is the truth.” He said. “I would be happy forever if you chose to stay here and live as the Dantassi but your place is not here. I do not know what your future will bring but I do know that you and Nikätza’arth’pavjäska are two parts of a whole. When you are together you shine and when you are apart and fighting it is as though the sun has gone dark. You need to break from this stubbornness and return. He came to you when you needed him and now you must return that favour. He needs you, even if you do not believe this, even is he is not showing this. Do not let your pride and anger get the better of you. It will be something you regret for the rest of your life.”

I sighed. “Okay I get the message.”

He laughed and emptied his pipe. “Come back inside before An’jast’a has to come search for us, if she does it will not be a happy thing.”

We returned to the celebration and it went on for many more hours. I stayed until I could no longer keep my eyes open and An’jast’a shooed me to bed.

Two days later I took my leave of Navaari and the Dantassi once more and was on my way back to Nirauan with sand-jiggers in my belly at what sort of a reception I would find there. I needn’t have worried so much though because everyone on the base was so preoccupied with what Thrawn had done by winning his first major battle that my return was a very small thing in comparison with his finds.

It seemed strange to be back on Nirauan after such a long time away but my things were here, and for all intensive purposes it was home, or as close to a home as things got for me, if I didn’t count Hjal. I found myself at loose ends trying to acclimatise to both the planet’s time difference and climate. Time lag caught up with me after a while and I slept for nearly a day.

Once I felt more like a human being and less like a sun-doped jawa I began the process of catching up on all that I had missed during my time on Hjal. It was Voss Parck, thrilled to see me back safe and sound, who filled me in on all that had occurred in the time I had been away. As we sat in the quiet of the small private lounge which Thrawn reserved for private conversations, eating a light supper and drinking a very nice wine he told me how, once Thrawn had received the data from me, he had taken his fleet to Obroa-Skai and raided the great library’s archive computers. Not only had he been able to determine the location of Wayland, which did not surprise me, but he was also able to obtain a vast wealth of up to date information on the New Republic. There had been a skirmish over the planet when the New Republic’s assault force consisting mainly of frigates and three wings of X-wing fighters had shown up. Parck grinned as he recounted how Thrawn, using his keen knowledge of art had managed to bring about the attack force’s defeat. I just shook my head at his thought process. I had never known anyone else to use art as a tactical weapon before.

“After he was done there he went to Myrkr and then on to Wayland.” Parck said.

“Did he find it?” I asked, “Mount Tantis?”

“Oh yes.” Parck nodded, “He most certainly did, and we’ve been busy ever since.”

“Why is that?”

“He’s taken some of the technology he found there and he having it installed here, in one of the subbasements.”

I frowned. “He’s having cloning tanks installed here?”

Parck did not bother to hide his surprise. “You know about that?”

I shrugged. “I knew there was a cloning facility on Mount Tantis so what else could he have been after? Why is he growing clones here?”

Parck shrugged. “He did not say, I think he is trying to maybe experiment with the effects of the ysalamiri on clone growth but to be honest Merly, it’s all technology I can’t keep up with. Now the cloaking device… that’s another story.”

“Wait the what…ysalamiwhatsits?” I flapped my hand at him to back up a bit.

“Ysalamiri, some creature he found on Myrkr that repels the force.” Parck said looking at me with a frown, “He said you were the one who actually found them.”

I nodded, “Ah those things,” I said with a sigh. “I remember but I didn’t know their name.”

“He’s had them installed all over the Chimaera to keep his crazy Jedi master in line.”

“Crazy jedi master? What crazy jedi master?”

“Some really strange old man he found on Wayland, claims to be Jorus C’Boath but he’s actually a clone. He’s as mad as a sun crazed durni and as dangerous as a tusken raider. Seems he’s a jedi master and a pretty powerful one as well, anyway he’s on board the Chimaera helping Thrawn direct the flow of battles or some such nonsense.”

“Buggery sandrats I’ve been gone for just over a month and the whole galaxy has turned upside down.” I said wryly. “Well I guess that explains why he didn’t want me on board his flagship.”

“Yes,” Parck nodded. “He asked me to tell you to, and I quote, not even think about it.”

I laughed and sipped on my wine. “I have no desire to go near any crazy Jedi master, clone or not. Between the Emperor and Lord Vader I have had enough jedi-ness to last me a lifetime.” I said, “So what’s he doing now?”

“He’ll be arriving here in two days to take on supplies, sort some things out then he will continue what he has been doing.”

“And that is?”

“Showing the New Republic who is really in charge of the galaxy.”

I smiled. It was nice thought. I just hoped he knew what he was doing. “Two days?” I asked.

Parck nodded. “When I informed him you had arrived on the base he did tell me that I was to keep you here until he had a chance to speak with you.”

“Oh oh.”

“He mentioned to me that you and this Admiral Larsen had a little misunderstanding?”

“Oh that, well I left his ship without permission and he was a little annoyed, when he tried to pull me in with a tractor beam I micro jumped out of range, yeah he’s a bit pissed but there’s more to it than that.”

This time it was Voss Parck’s turn to smile, “With you, Merly, there usually is.”

What could I say, he was absolutely right. I sipped my wine with a smile while he began to fill me in on the news of what had been happening on the base all the time I was gone. I was grateful for his kind chatter it kept me from thinking about Thrawn’s arrival and all that it would bring. The last time I was with him things hadn’t exactly been cheerful.